Forestluv

Awe is on of the most important traits for an explorer. Awe is re-invigorating. Sometimes, I feel tired and bored with the exploration. And then I experience awe and it gets my juices flowing. It is one of the greatest rewards of effort. That reality is fully imaginary and so is the reciprocal reality of a cluttered mind, full of trauma. Those realities are also very real. It boils down to what one considers "imaginary" and "real". In practical terms, being grounded in a realness can have benefits. When I'm at work and interacting with other people, it can be helpful to be grounded in a sense of realness. Yet in another context, this can be a major block / limitation to creativity, playfullness, exploration and expansion. Consider people that are hyper grounded into realness. What are they like? They are overly serious, unimaginative, hyper analytical and intellectual. For example, imagine hiking in a forest. What is the experience like if the mind is hyper-analyzing what is real? It's caught up in intellectualization? How creative and exploratory can the mind and body be? Imagine seeing an odd pattern of tree bark. It almost looks like an ancient symbol. You get a sense of some presence, an essence - yet then the thinking mind immediately jumps in with skepticism and says "That's just tree bark. Those other sensations are just subjective experiences". That is a block / limitation to exploring intuition, empathic abilities, connection and various phenomena. If we let go of the analysis, it goes prior to the analysis of what is real and imaginary. Into a "zone". We might get a sense of why tribal people were so connected to the spirit of trees because we are now being the connection to the spirit of trees. We might get a sense of the energetics that promote the expression of spiritual symbols in paganism, the occult, celtic religions, withcraft etc. - Yet not from an intellectual analysis. Rather, from a sense of beingness, knowingness - a realization of "Ohhhh, so that's what it's like!!". If the mind starts analyzing, it's lost. Analysis opens doors in some contexts, yet closes doors in other contexts. Consider your statement "how do we know for sure". . . What does "knowing" mean to you? Is knowing an intellectual thing that can be verified scientifically? Are there other forms of 'knowing'. Imagine you are a guest in someone's house and you are thirsty. They offer you either milk or strawberry soda. You immediately say "Strawberry soda". Wouldn't it be odd if the person asked you "How did you know for sure you want strawberry soda?". This is an odd question because the knowing comes prior to an analysis or verification. You didn't need to do a set of experiments to test whether you know you prefer strawberry soda over milk in that moment. Analysis and verification related to knowing has value, yet it can also be a major block to many areas of reality. For me, it can be a major block in terms of entering zone states of creativity, intuition, energetics, essence etc. From one perspective this is true. Yet step outside and deconstruct your construct of "proof". In one context, it is of value, yet it another context it contracts the mind into a very limited space.

Hmmm, a reactor to reactors. A new meta level. . . .

I agree with Simone Weil in how "muscular effort" and exerting "will power" can be counter-productive. In terms of entering "zones", I would consider it overly-yang and a block. Here, relaxing and letting go becomes of value. Ime, when "invading" appearances arises, trying to fight them insn't helpful, since I have now entered a zone of conflict rather than the intended zone. For me, letting go can be important and this often involves "returning". Sometimes returning means not giving up. There is a sense of commitment, yet it doesn't have an overwhelming muscular, will power energy. For example, some balance postures require focus and attention. If the mind wanders, I will lose my balance and fall. When this happens, there may be an energy to give up. Here, I need to let go and return to the posture. To relax and become one with the posture. There is effort, yet it isn't an imposing my will type of effort. Thank you for posting this. It's prompted me to explore various forms of effort and nuances.

A principle of magic: Things which have once been in contact with each other continue to act on each other at a distance. I've recently started reading the book "Psychic Witch" by Mat Auryn. It's a book about developing sensitivities and abilities. It's mostly exercises. The first exercise is to practice focus by counting down from 100 down zero - with complete focus on the number, without any invading thoughts. Before starting, you make the statement "When I reach zero, I will be in an alpha brainwave state of consciousness". This is done three times. The alpha brainwave state is one of relaxation, visualizing, daydream. Alpha is the state of consciousness that is most associated with insight, extrasensory awareness and psychic perception. Yet it is not a deep dream state like Theta brainwave. So last night I went into a forest to try it out. As soon as a made the statement "When I reach zero, I will be in a alpha brainwave state", there was a shift. The forest become a little more magical. Lush greenery, birds chirping, streams flowing. This is the power of open-mindedness, curiosity, intention and exploration. It felt like I was on a low psychedelic dose and I was reminded of psychedelic experiences. As I counted down, there were some "invading" thoughts and stimuli. It felt like they were pulling me out of "Alpha wave magic" into normal "Beta wave thinking". Some of it was generic thinking like what I was going to do later that night, how I wanted to share this experience with others, if I was doing the countdown correctly. I was also distracting by bugs coming after me. . . Yet there were also some "invading" thoughts that were more insightful and creative. For example, my mind wanted to imagine that if I let go, this could be any forest in the world. It would have no "location". I saw a deer and a thought appeared about making contact. In terms of the exercise, this would be considered "invading" from my complete focus on the number. There were different degrees of the intensity of the pull away and how far I was pulled away from the number. At times, the number was still center and the thought/imagery was background. Yet there were times in which the thought/imagery became center and the number was in the background. I never got pulled so far that I lost track of the number. Yet there were times, the countdown number was distant and I was very close to losing track. Also, the energetics of "commitment" and "sticking with it" emerged. This has also emerged during many of my breathwork sessions. For my mind, doing this exercise three times in a row without a single invading thought or image would take a lot of practice and work. And it not just worrisome, analytic type thinking. It's also imaginative thinking, which I may be useful down the line. Overall, observing how my mind is working and and what is "pulling me away" is helpful when moving toward getting into the zone. I think I will use exercise as an entryway toward getting into the alpha brainwave zone. Exercise number 2 is titled "Psychic Immersion" and involves permission, affirmations and neuroplasticity. So far, I like how the author integrates traditional psychic realms, witchcraft, psychology and neuroscience. That's right up my alley.

He’s been practicing for 18 years. Sometimes he livestreams his practice sessions and explains the process.

One can reach a quasi-psychedelic state through breathwork. Somewhat similar to a moderate 5-meo-dmt dose. It's not exactly the same for me, yet there is overlap. In some ways, I prefer the conscious state via breathwork via psychedelic-induced. I've found it helpful to breath with a facilitator and a group. I've recently listed several resources on my breath journal page. https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/59283-breath/?do=findComment&comment=909777

My vision is to explore breathing more deeply. Over the past week, I've been doing 1hr of kundalini yoga and 1hr of facilitated breathwork with on online group. It's had opened new areas of awareness and experience. I see a lot of potential for awakenings, healing, mind-body awareness, personal development and clarity through breath. I will be describing my explorations in the journal.

@mandyjw Thank you for sharing your insights about personal and collective emotions. It helps me process and work through recent events.

@bejapuskas Thank you for speaking up about the Dating/Sexuality/Relationship subforum. You had mentioned @Ananta We were the only mods moderating it for a while and we put a lot of time and effort into it. We got a lot of crap for trying to tone down the sexual objectification of women and crude disparaging comments. We received lots of disgusting PMs, but we didn't back down. Ananta got it worse than I since she is female. For a while, we were PMing each other nearly daily and I can verify that she got a lot of awful crap thrown at her. I appreciate her efforts and I'm impressed with how long she could tolerate it. Unfortunately, we didn't get any support in our efforts and we couldn't stomach it any longer alone. And yes, she was very good at tracking down repeat trolls hiding behind multiple accounts. She had great intuition for it. We were like teammates tracking them down.

Hmmm. . . I'm glad you mentioned that. Perhaps less thoughts and more feeling + LOA can create anew.

A few reflections on my breath session last night and a potential new portal opening. . . Over the last week, I've been accumulating some negative energy, lethargy, apathy and ickyness. The first 20min of the breath session felt uncomfortable. My breath wasn't full or flowing. It felt labored and restricted. Then, I felt an impulse to get up and move. So I did. Then, all sorts of 'crazy' energy started appearing. Flashes of energy through my limbs. I was moving in chaotic ways. I was making sounds like an animal. Yet there was no rational thinking. There were no thoughts of "This is weird. What's happening to me? What would other people in the breath group think". That form of consciousness wasn't there. I was in that realm. Images of being in a tribe in a jungle arose. There was feeling it and being it. It was like I was in a tribal dance being moved by spirits. And some of it felt very primal. At first, it was like a ritual to express and shake out dark energy spirits. Then it started to clarify and it was like I had another ability I've never had. I was moving energy. The thought appeared "This is shamanism" and there was a knowing of what shamanism was like. As I know reflect, I can go into an intellectual mindset in which I analyze and deconstruct it. I can analyze whether it was "real" or "imagined". I can create concepts about what an "experience" is. Or I can go into an empathic mind-body feeling realm with it. In this realm, I feel extreme gratitude because I was touched by grace. Recently, @Etherial Cat posted a video of Adyashanti discussing if some people are wired for certain sensitivities and others are not. For example, are some people wired for mystical experiences and shamanism? If so, can those not wired for it learn it. His answer was that wiring likely plays a role, yet many people greatly limit themself through beliefs and if they can simply let go, phenomena may arise through grace. It feels like thats what happened to me. I don't have any beliefs for or against Shamanism. For me, attending a Shamanic ritual would be like attending a dance performance. I would be an observer. I've been to Shaman-related ceremonies in Peru and was very moved by them, yet still a 'visitor' energetically. Yet for about 15min last night, it was like a tribesman or Shaman that *got* what it's like from the 'inside'. Yet I wouldn't say I'm 'wired' for it. It was more like a moment of Grace in which I was given a gift, that then fluttered away like a butterfly. Now that I've got a taste of it, perhaps it will appear more often. This also gives contrast to intellectual and empathic / energetic forms of knowing. Both have value, yet they are different wands.

@Vzdoh @bazera I do breathwork every night with online facilitators. One can go into deep conscious states for mysticism, insight and healing. I think there is a lot of value doing it with a facilitator and group. I just listed lots of Breathwork resources on my journal 'Breath' that I am engaged with. As well, I have some recorded sessions with trained facilitators I can share. If interested, please DM me.

For those interested in exploring Breathwork for mysticism, insights and emotional healing, I would recommend trying online breathwork sessions with a facilitator and group. There are expert facilitators that offer some free sessions. Nearly all resources also offer classes and one-on-one private sessions. Some resources that I am engaged with: A facebook group that posts lots of Breathwork events (both free and donation). Breath Church: Sundays at 6pm (New York Time) at this zoom site. They employ various breathing methods. One Breath Institute: Facebook page and website. Led by Lisa McNett and Debbie Shirmann. They offer free breathwork sessions every Tuesday at 8pm and Sunday at 11am (New York Time). They are more into using breathwork for healing. They employ conscious connected breathing. Angell Deer at the Sanctuary: Saturday nights at 8pm. He employs Shamanic Breathing. Make Some Breathing Space: Offers free online sessions: Tuesdays 9:30pm (New York time) registration, Thursdays 8:30 pm (UK time) registration, Thursdays 8pm (California Time) registration and Fridays 1pm (UK time) registration, Rebecca Llewellyn at Divine Roots. Rebecca is perhaps the highest level facilitator that I've breathed with. She goes into realms of Divine Feminine, Mother Nature, Mysticism, Shamanism, healing, Native Tribes, plant medicines, Tarot, energetics etc. She employs a combination of conscious connected breathing and Shamanic Breathing. She only offers one free ceremony per month online, which is listed on her website events. As well, I have some recorded sessions I can share with you via Google Drive. If interested, DM me.

Thank you for sharing your insights. In the area of shame, there can be feeling/thoughts of "There is something wrong with me and I can't tell anyone about it". This can elevate a minor condition to a severe condition. Cecilia McGough speaks about how the worse part of dealing with her schizophrenia is not the voices inside her head, it is the voices outside of her head - the voices and energy of real people around her and maltreatment. She attempted suicide not to escape the voices in her head, yet rather to escape the voices of people around her. She describes that she had a delusional fear of a woman stalking her, yet her fear of real people finding out about her and maltreating her was much worse.

My intention here is to create a community space in which Yin may breath and express itself. I'll be posting in it, yet I don't consider it my journal. There isn't much space for Yin on the main forum, so I'm trying to create space here. Feel free to express yin-related experiences or insights here.

We often associate Yin energy as feminine and womanly. Sometimes it can be helpful to view Yin expressed through an integrated male because it offers contrast. One of my favorite examples is Gabor Mate. He is a clinical psychologist from Canada. Gabor's understanding abilities don't come from analyzing people as if they were specimens. There is understanding value in that Yang realm, yet Gabor's understanding is within Yin realms of feeling and empathy. Rather than analyzing people with mental/emotional distress as specimens and creating theory from a detached space, Gabor immersed himself within that realm. He decided to live within the poorest area of Vancouver that was filled with abuse, addiction and mental illness. Doing so gave Gabor a sense of what it's like. What it feels like to be marginalized and stigmatized by society. What it feels like to have 'crazy' thoughts and emotions. He was accepted by the community, not because he was a psychologist with brilliant intellectual ideas (yang), but because he could relate (yin). For example, Gabor had a shopping addiction so severe he became obsessive-compulsive about it. It caused himself and his family intense distress. He internalized it all and suffered. He didn't feel comfortable sharing with others because he was supposed to be a psychologist with his shit together. Yet he felt comfortable speaking about it with his new community of addicts, abused and 'abnormals'. And they told him, "Yea, that's kinda like what my experience is like. You understand.". Yet this understanding is not intellectual understanding - it is empathic understanding. From his connection and empathic understanding of what it's like - Gabor describes how these dynamics are not just an individual phenomena based on one's genetics and personal decisions (yang). Rather, there are aspects of social (yin) illness. Yin cannot breath at the individual or social level, when Yang dominance is suffocating. Yet Gabor's description does not arise from intellectualization. The underlying energy is empathic understanding. One of my favorite Gabor videos is the "Myth of Normal". Here he describes how individual distress is impacted by society. Society creates a "myth" of normalcy and those outside that myth become marginalized and stigmatized. For example, someone may be labeled "crazy", "weird" or "abnormal" in a bad way. Gabor illustrates that we are all on a spectrum for "abnormal". We are all on a spectrum for ADHD, dyslexia, addiction, autism, OCD, psychosis etc. Yet we may have it mild enough that it doesn't interfere with our life. After I watched this video, I tried to be mindful of how I might be on the minor end of various spectrums. For example, I noticed that I flip letters in words at times. Sometimes, I have to pause to read words and at times I mispronounce words. Yet it is mild and doesn't interfere with my life much. I don't need to create coping mechanism. However, this has increased my empathic understanding. I had understood what dyslexia is at an intellectual level, yet when I became aware of glimpses of it in myself, I gained empathic understanding. There was a realization of "Omigosh, so this is what it's like!". Although I am minor on the spectrum, I can much better imagine what it would be like to have more extreme forms. I can now relate much better with people that have dyslexia since I've become aware of minor forms within myself. This is also true for things like ADHD, OCD, anxiety etc. We are all on a spectrum from so minor it we don't even notice it, to moderate with mild impacts, to severe with intense impacts.

Here is an example of over-intellectualization/conceptualization and the importance of integrating emotions and empathy. A member posts about how we should be more non-judgmental to other members, even if we disagree. Another member replies that non-judgement is judgement. In intellectual concepts, yes. . . non-judgement could be considered judgement. We can create all sorts of fancy constructs about this. For example, we could create a dualistic construct of non-judgement vs judgement and Judgement transcends both. We could create intellectual constructs that non-judgment needs the contrast of judgement to be non-judgement. Technically, any thought construct is a judgement. Right now, I hear birds chirping. That is a judgement because I am judging them to be bird chirps (rather than a pencil, tuna sandwich, ocean etc). As well, if I say "Those bird chirps are beautiful". That is a judgement. These types of conceptual constructs may have value, yet lets look at what they are missing. . . They are missing non-intellectual energetics, feelings, empathy etc. When I first became a professor, occasionally a student came to my office to tell me about an anxiety disorder. In an effort to help them, I'd respond something like "OK, let's diagnose your problem and find a solution. Here are the college policies about students with anxiety disorders getting accommodations for exams. You will first need to go to the college psychologist so they can analyze you and verify that you have an anxiety disorder. They will then send me paperwork and you can then get an separate room and extra time on exams". My intention was to help the student by analyzing (judging) their problem and finding a situation. Yet in another realm, how would this feel to the student? They would feel judged. And guess what? Students wouldn't come to my office unless absolutely necessary. In my evaluations, some students wrote about how I intelligent I was, yet I couldn't relate to students and have human conversations. Around that time, I had my first experiences with psychedelics and some of them involved extreme anxiety and panic. I got to experience what it was like. All sorts of nuances of anxiety and panic. Yet rather than simply intellectualize / conceptualize the experience - I integrated and embodied it. I can now much better relate to someone with anxiety disorders at an empathic level. Now, when a student enters my office with an anxiety disorder, I can feel it and I know what it feels like to experience it. Now, I may respond "Yea, sometimes I feel like that too. I kinda feels like xyz for me.". The student may respond "Omigosh, yes. That's kinda what it's like for me too. I was super nervous about talking to a professor about it. You are the only one I feel comfortable discussing it". We may discuss the experience more and then I may suggest a few things that have helped me with anxiety. The student may share a few things that helped them with anxiety. Notice in the above, we can create intellectual constructs about how judgement is happening. Yet it doesn't feel like judgement. It feels like non-judgement - in particular because of the empathic connection and understanding. It feels like connection and understanding. Imagine having experiences you don't think anyone else understands and then you meet that one person who gets it. There can be a tremoundous relief. Omigosh, I'm not a freak. This person gets it. Here, there is no intellectualization of whether it is judgement vs. non-judgement. That doesn't even exist. What exists are energetics of emotional and empathic connection. Both have value, yet this forum is waaay skewed to hardcore intellectualization.

This is still within the context of a thing called "death". This is the standard realm we are all familiar with. Yet Sunny clearly stated he was not in this realm (or wanted to transcend it). He said it was not an escape nor an ending. It was a transcendence. He was happy and had a great life. Based on what we know, he wasn't trying to escape and end suffering. He wasn't trying to end this life in hope for a better reincarnated life. This is difficult for most people to understand because they are so oriented toward escaping suffering and gaining joy. An analogy, imagine you are walking in a forest and encounter a mountain lion. You will feel fear and want to escape from the lion. You want to survive. You have a gf and are planning on having a child. This is at the human/personal level. The person identifies as me and wants to do whats best for me. Here's the hard part. Imagine identification is with the entire forest. Now "me" = "the forest". So now what is best for "me"? Well, if "me" is the forest than it might be best that the lion eats the person. Notice how it's all "me". This sounds insane from a personal level, yet it is not insane from a transcendent level. . . In the opposite direction, there are misfolded proteins in your cells that get digested and recycled. Yet you don't care because "me" isn't a misfolded protein and you aren't concerned what's best for that misfolded protein. Rather "me" is ALL of the cells in "my" body and I care about what's best for the entire body. If misfolded proteins accumulate, all sorts of diseases result. Therefore it's best that those misfolded proteins get digested and recycled. From personal/human perspective, this won't make sense and it may even seem psychotic. . . How could someone compare a human being to a misfolded protein!!?? Yet from a transcendent perspective, notice how there is no "escape" or "ending". In the first example, after the person is eaten by a lion, "me" (the forest) still exists. The forest hasn't escaped itself or ended. Similarly, after the misfolded protein is digested there is still the human being. There was no "escape" or "ending". Now imagine a person is oscillating back and forth between identifying as "me" being the human body and "me" being the forest. Sometimes the identification is the entire forest, sometimes it is contracted within the human body. There may be desire to transcend attachment / identification to the human body and become the entire forest. At the human/personal level, this is madness and insanity. Yet at a transhuman metaphysical level, it is sane. And this isn't unique to actualized. Humans have been reaching these transcendent states for thousands of years. Analogies that life is a dream goes waaaay back in time. This is nothing new. Yes, at a human/personal level is was scattered and misunderstood reasoning. Yet at a transhuman metaphysical level, it gets trickier. I'm in no way suggesting killing oneself. Yet from a transhuman metaphysical level, the idea of "killing", "oneself" and "death" are very different. Notice how in spiritual circles there is metaphysical talk about how there is no birth or death. Yet when a being kills themself, the spiritual circle immediately snaps back to the human/personal level and says "Oh wait. . . yea. There is death. Believing there is no death is foolish". At this time, Leo is only willing to discuss the issue at the personal / human level. Not a transhuman / metaphysical level. @RendHeaven I agree with you. Yet I want to strongly stress that these are not Leo's teachings or actualized. Teachings about transcending the human mind-body, death is illusory, everything is a dream etc. is standard nonduality and metaphysics. We might consider it advanced, yet it is not unique to Leo or actualized. People like Deepak Chopra talk in these terms regularly. As well, Leo promotes transcendence via psychedelics. I understand why Leo would revert to the personal/human level because he is dealing with others at the personal/human level. If he communicated at a transhuman/metaphysical level (like we are in this thread), it would be misinterpreted and there would be a huge backlash. Yet at the same time, I'm really disappointed that Sunny has been portrayed as a "fool that misinterpreted teachings" and very few people on the forum questioned it. I thought more people were at a higher conscious level. I think it's a real issue regarding transcendence that should be addressed, rather than swept under the rug. I also think it is good that Leo is now stressing "ego death" rather than "physical death". Again, I am not condoning suicide for transcendence. I'm trying to understand the conscious state in which a being would take their physical life to transcend it. I think this mentality is important to understand how we communicate.

Murder, Mystery and Makeup Baily Sarian is a YT personality. In her videos, she tells stories of mysterious serial killers as she puts on makeup. She is a very good story teller and very good with makeup. She is a type of artist. Her videos get millions of views - nearly all women. I'd estimate 99% women. Why are many women fascinated by serial killers? It seems counter-intuitive. Women are the victims of serial killers that have deranged, violent minds. Yet here we have millions of women watching Baily Sarian tell stories about serial killers. In my own life experience, I've met many women with fascination with serial killers. Many of my female students have revealed to me their fascination in private. Yet they keep it secret. I've never seen a woman be openly transparent. It's too taboo, which I think fuels the fascination. To get a sense if a woman might have this intrigue, I may casually state my interest in abnormal psychology - weird ways the mind works. Safer topics would be things like depression or schizophrenia. Next level would be sociopathy or psychopathy. Yet there can't be an energy of stigma, judgement or creepiness. It's a very sensitive area. Then, one might casually say "Yea, I watched a documentary on serial killers which was fascinating". . . I've noticed it's much harder for a man to connect with a woman on this intrigue. I imagine it would be much easier for two women to chat about this intrigue together. What is the reaction of most people to the mindset of serial killers. Most people react with repulsion and label the person a sicko that deserves to rot in jail. This has some truth to it, yet it is also a block to exploring other aspects. This mindset won't allow for curiosity about how a serial killer is formed and what their mentality is. There behavior is horrendous from one perspective, yet they've also led interesting lives. To see this takes a higher level of open-mindedness and curiosity. One of the blocks is that if someone is curious to learn about a serial killer, then they are condoning the behavior and they themself have sick mind. The next level is a deeper curiosity of what that mindset is actually like to the point one almost experiences it and 'gets it' from the perspective of the serial killer. This isn't an observer from a distance, it's actually crawling into the mind 1st person. This takes a special mind to do since there are risks of trauma and psychosis. An example would be a method actor. This is a method in which the actor immerses themself in environments that displace an old mindset with a new mindset - so they actually become the new mindset. Yet this has risks. Some method actors couldn't come back from the new character they adopted. The woman in the movie Psycho was a method actor that got so deep into becoming a woman being murdered, that she lost touch with what was "real" and what was "imagined". Other method actors have gone insane or committed suicide during or after their movie roles. I have a fascination with both "abnormal" psychology and delving into different mindsets to get a sense of what it's actually like. Yet from a personal view, this has a danger of not being able to restabalize. For example, I've gone deep into what it would be like to be held in solitary confinement, postpartum disorder, multiple personality and psychopathy. I've gone so deep into this method acting, that I've needed professional therapy to pull me out. And there were aspects of mini-traumas. One thing I've learned to help me shift back toward "normal" is to change my relationship to it as if it was a dream. We've all had deeply disturbing dreams, yet the impact isn't deep when the mind categorizes it as "just a dream". You could have a deeply disturbing dream and wake up shaking in tears, yet then realize "Oh, it was just a dream", then shake it off and move on with your day. For example, one might dream that they were psychotic and being abused in mental institution, then wake up and realize it was just a dream. It might have some lingering effects, yet it wouldn't be traumatic as if it actually happened. Yet this is much more difficult to do in "real" life. If someone experienced the harm anxiety of postpartum in real life, there is a much deeper impact on the mind and body. It's much more difficult to shake it off as "just a dream". The mind and body becomes entangled with the experience and identity. For a couple years, I tried to learn how to lucid dream. I tried reality checks, wake-sleep-wake cycles, dream journaling etc. I didn't have much success. Yet oddly, I had moments of lucid dreaming while "awake". I honestly didn't know if I was awake or dreaming. I started doing reality checks while awake to see if I was awake. Then distinctions between dream and awake begin to break down. Often, spiritual people use the metaphor that "life is a dream", yet this is a concept. The direct experience is very different. I'm quite intrigued by Sunny's story - his experience and mindset. If you have labeled Sunny a "fool that misinterpreted teachings", you will confine yourself to one realm and will not be able to enter other realms of exploration. This is a self-protection mechanism. If a mind labels Sunny "a fool that misinterpreted teachings", it can stay in it's safe zone. Similar to labeling someone "crazy" or "psychotic". One can distance themself and avoid going there, because going there can be threatening. Above I described three levels of exploration: 1) Labeling as "foolish", "psychotic" and pushing away, 2) having curiosity to learn about a mindset and 3) having curiosity so deep to experience the mindset. Overall, the forum is at level 1. The main reason is that there is a strong authoritarian leader that has set a narrative of "he was a fool, mentally ill" etc. that misinterpreted teachings. This has truth, yet is contracted within one realm. It also serves to stabalize an unstable community into one shared narrative. As well, it helps to protect a community from outside threats. Notice how nearly the entire forum community as accepted the narrative. It takes metacognition to see that this is only one realm within a larger network of realms. Very few minds can do this. One reason I'm able to do it is because of direct experiential learning and curiosity to explore. When someone tells me "this is how it is", my orientation is to see that ISness and then see other perspectives. Sunny was both foolish and non-foolish. Sunny had understandings of dualities integrated with nonduality. In his writings, he asks questions of whether to jump was foolish or non-foolish. I'm curious if Leo is consciously aware that he is contracting the story into one realm and has rationalized doing so. Or, if he is contracted within that realm and can only consciously see the "foolish" side to Sunny. There are a lot of pressures on him to only see the "foolish" side. Inspecting the non-foolish side is the hard road and would take effort and risk. The secondary reason for the forum being at level 1 is because it's a simple, easy narrative to say Sunny was "foolish and misinterpreted teachings". It takes much more effort and curiosity to explore Sunny's experience and potential mindset. My prediction is that if the situation was framed differently the majority of people on the forum would be open and curious to explore level 2. For example, suppose this occurred to someone in another spiritual community that actualized had no relation to. Imagine there was a documentary produced that went deep into lucid dreaming, spirituality, transcendence and death. In this case, I can see the majority of the forum being open to discuss and explore this. I could see an active thread on it. This is happening with other spiritual communities. I have a friend in another spiritual community that has never heard of actualized. We recently had a conversation about life as a dream, lucid dreaming, transcendence and death. Since she didn't label Sunny as a "fool" and has no attachment/identification to actualized, we were able to explore various mindsets together. Yet I predict very few people would want to venture into level 3. People have other stuff going into life and don't want to spend time and effort diving into mindsets of lucid dreaming and transcendence. As well, it is threatening. Most people would not want to dive so deep into the mindset that they know what it's like because that conscious space involves transcending a life dream via jumping. Over the last two days, I've explored these waters using my previous experience, Sunny's writings, my imagination and trying to energetically/empathically connect. A key through an initial door is to come to understand that it isn't an escape or end - it is a transcendence - as Sunny wrote. Again, this is a different realm and very few minds would want to enter that realm to see what it's like. I myself have had to pull myself back form going to deep into the waters for my own mental health and stability. Yet it adds a new twist. Previously, I would pull back from deep waters by changing my relationship with it to "it was just a dream". Yet the twist here is that the deep waters itself contains "it's just a dream". To me, those waters are both intriguing and dangerous.

@Nahm

I agree. At a certain point it becomes unhealthy to a community. For one of my breathwork groups, I am the only male. It's almost all feminine nature. Vulnerability, surrender, appreciation, gratitude, love, emotions, connectedness, cooperation, energetics, community etc. After the breath, there is a time for integration and sharing. The facilitator always takes a moment to thank me for holding space for masculine / yang. It's not an intellectual thing analyzing "well, what is 'masculine / yang'? why would only a male person have it? And what does it mean to be male? Is that a social construct? Let's deconstruct this?". . . That type of masculine/yang energy isn't within the group. And she doesn't say it for PR, branding or to advance herself. When she thanks me for holding masculine / yang space within the group, it comes from the heart. There is energy and feeling - gratitude and connection. And it's genuine. There is just so little of that here. And I've got caught in intellectualization/analysis/deconstruction here many times here. It is highly valued here. Lots of yang, yet very little yin. And what happens when someone expresses yin energy? Are they appreciated? Or are they intellectualized away? What is the consequence of a community when it becomes 98% yang energy? Yin won't have a voice or a meaningful impact. There is a loss of diversity. And aspects of Yang may become toxic. Similar to the ecosystem of a forest. If all the flowers and insects are removed, the forest ecosystem would suffer. I'm not suggesting 50% yin on the forum, yet allowing 10% space and appreciation for yin would be a huge difference. Allow her to take a breath once in a while. So, how could we integrate a little more yin into our current situation? Rather that distancing from Sunny and labeling him a fringe 1 in a million fool that misinterpreted teachings, we could acknowledge that he was an exceptionally loving, kind person that was a beloved member of our community. Rather than portraying Sunny as someone that was mentally ill and suffering, we could acknowledge that Sunny was happy and full of life. Rather than pushing Sunny away, we could introspect and relate to Sunny. Teachings that the body is illusory, everything is a dream and we can transcend the dream character can lead to some 'interesting' places. If I introspect, I can relate somewhat. I've been in places in which I wanted to wake up and transcend the dream character to move on to the next dream. As Sunny said, not to escape or to end. Rather to transcend to a higher conscious state. I've also been in places in which I felt nobody understood me and then I find one person who does understand me. I know what that impact is like. . . This type of introspection is healthy for one's self and community, yet it is not allowed on a forum that is 98% yang and has a hardcore yang narrative. There is some truth to that narrative, yet it is super hard core and rigid. Some more yin would be coming together as a community and donating to the family to help support them. We could have a couple threads in memory of Sunny, so his wonderful spirit of love and kindness can live on in the forum. He made many beautiful posts and YT videos. Yet again, this is a yin heart space, which currently isn't accepted on the forum because it goes counter to what yang sees as bad PR, branding and threats to an organization. Again, there is some truth to that, yet I would say it's a hardcore yang position that is highly rigid. That is a very optimistic way of looking at it, yet it's hard for me to see it that way. For example, I can see trying to distance from Sunny and portraying him as a foolish YT viewer to protect the forum from nefarious outside threats. I think there is some truth to that. I suppose that could be seen as a community trying to protect something they subconsciously love and feel a sense of belonging. That's just not how I'm oriented. If a beloved member of my breathgroup died, my first inclination wouldn't be "It's all his fault!! This will be bad for PR!! We need to protect ourselves from people trying to use this to harm us!!". That would be my reaction if a ceiling collapsed in a storm. Not if a beloved member of the community died. Yet I also understand that not everyone has a sense of humanism and some people express a sense of humanism in different ways. Good points. I hadn't thought of it like that. I've taught over 1,000 students in person and I can tell you calling a student stupid is a very delicate issue. The question becomes one of priority. Is the highest priority to create an environment that is conducive for learning and growth? If so, calling a student stupid nearly always is a deterrence. Not just for that student, yet for the entire class. It is basic pedagogy. If a student asks me a question in class and I call them a fool with a stupid question - that nearly always has a negative impact on them and the entire class. It creates an environment that is not unsafe and uncomfortable. This is a basic tenant of DEI (diversity, equity and inclusion). I have to spend a lot of effort trying to unwind that type of "you're stupid" conditioning in my students. A teacher who calls his students stupid is generally trying to distance himself - possibly due to insecurity or arrogance. It's the opposite of empathy. And empathic teacher would be able to relate. They would remember back when they were a student and how uncomfortable they were asking questions in class, with anxiety that they may be judged as stupid by the teacher and their peers. Such as teacher may be respond to a 'stupid' question with "I'm glad you asked that question because this is a common confusion for students, so clearing it up can be helpful to everyone". Or "from one perspective, that's a really good question for another class. Yet here we are talking about xxx, so it doesn't quit fit". Yet there is also a threshold. If I'm teaching an advanced genetics course and I student keeps asking questions like "What is DNA?", they are too far beyond. Yet I still wouldn't call them stupid. I would get them into an introductory biology class. On the positive side, this can help me expand my empathy through experiential learning. I often her women speak about being marginalized in male-dominated environments. Yet the males respond by saying "Well just speak up! Don't play a victim! You are marginalizing yourself!". There is some truth to that, yet such males also don't understand the energetics of asymmetric power structures and marginalization. Another perspective would be to see it as an observer. For example, at a recent job interview one of the candidates was an assertive male with masculine energy. The other candidate was a soft-spoken woman with feminine energy. They both had a skillset, yet the bias was clearly for the assertive male with masculine energy. The feminine skills of the woman weren't even recognized. I had to bring them to the attention of the committee, which they considered secondary and not "real skills". The position was for a botanist. As the field component in the course, the masculine male proposed taking students in the local nature center and teaching them how to identify and memorize every plant family. The feminine female proposed a field course in which they all create a garden together in the local nature center. Their goal would be to create a highly diverse sustainable garden with various plants and pollinators. To do so, they would need to learn about climate, different forms of flowering plants, pollinators etc. Not only are they creating a community of plants and pollinators, the teacher is also creating a community of students and wanted to expand that by inviting the local town community to participate. I see this as a wonderful idea involving diversity, inclusion, community building and experiential learning. Yet the committee was not impressed at all. Yet to be fair, she was so passive that I question whether she could have pulled it off as the leader. She didn't show leadership skills and I saw her as more of an assistant, than a lead professor. Yet I saw a lot of skills in her that the males on the committee did not. One male even mocked her as "stupid". He is the retiring masculine male we are replacing. Perhaps he had a shadow to her feminine abilities. Another area of learning is actually experiencing it. So here I am, experiencing the marginalization of yin myself within a yang-dominant environment. This is one of the best ways to develop empathic understanding / knowing. For example, I'm not better at relating to female colleagues (or females on this forum). . . Notice how Leo often lectures females from a male perspective in the dating section. That has truth from a male perspective, yet he doesn't have the experiential empathic understanding from within a female perspective. To do so, he would need to enter such feminine / yin domains, which he doesn't seem willing to do. Which is fine, there are plenty of other realms to explore - yet he will just be lacking empathic understanding and won't be able to connect through certain channels. For example, I think it would be safe to say that the two of us can connect through a certain channel that we cannot with Leo. I wish that was the case. That would be so wonderful!

@Ananta And you were so good at it! I have to do it solo now ?

@Proserpina @Preety_India Thank you. I'm heartbroken right now. I'll give it a few days and see where I'm at.

Leo asked me if I wanted to be a mod four years ago. My initial reaction was shock. At the time, I was deeply involved into the scientific paradigm. Yet I was also open-minded and curious. I knew I was missing something. Leo holds a special place in my heart because he was the only one who could penetrate my bubble. He could do so because of his intellect. I could not dismiss Leo as some irrational woo-wooer. He was the first person I encountered that had strong intellect and "something more" and I got very curious about that something more. He inspired me to explore consciousness and was a big influence on my expansion. I also wanted to be part of a community that explores consciousness and supports each other. Being a mod was a great way to support such a community. Over the last four years, I did a lot of work in areas of emotion, heart-awakening, divine feminine, intuition and empathy. These were my biggest deficiencies. I could have intellectual conversations, yet there was a sense I was missing something. The more I've developed, the more it becomes obvious that the forum lacks emotional integration, aspects of yin / feminine and empathy. Not only is there lacking, these aspects often getting beaten up by bullies. I've stayed a mod in an effort to keep the forum balanced and give a voice to those marginalized and bullied via hyper masculine and intellect. Yet it's been an uphill battle, especially when Leo doesn't value it. There is a reason there aren't many female mods on the forum and why female mods quit or marginalize themself to the periphery. The crap @Ananta had to go through was abhorrent. There was no support from Leo and he was often apathetic to issues (he wouldn't even respond to us). Ananta and I were the only ones willing to moderate the dating subforum during a toxic stretch and we had to put up with disgusting crap. Ananta got it much worse than me because she is female. I've always had this hope that our community was about to have a major breaktrhough. There were glimmers of hope that Leo was developing in heart areas or at least recognizing the value of it in us mods. Yet the breakthrough never came. To me, we are moving in the opposite direction. I think there will be lots of intellectual insights, yet deficiencies in heart/emotion/empathy and a lot of toxicity. I'm the most prominent mod in going after toxicity and trolls - and they are very sneaky and manipulative. I don't put up with it. And I've received countless disgusting PMs that are profane and threatening. Yet I put up with it and I won't back down. There is currently a mega troll that has created over 40 accounts over the last year. I've spent many hours of shitty work tracking his accounts down and I've received many disgusting PMs from him. I'm the only mod willing to do this. And the other mods refer the worst trouble makers my way because I can hunt them down. Yet the recent events have broken my heart. Both Sunny's death and Leo's response to it. There is a disturbing energy on the forum to me right now and for my own mental and physical health I think I need to distance myself to what I see as unhealthy energy. Especially since I'm not getting any support from Leo. He isn't valuing certain aspects that I value.

Yes, intellectual yellow has not embodied green. It can be heartbreaking. If someone wants to be involved with healthy green, I would recommend getting involved with a breath group online. I live in a small isolated town and there aren't any spiritual groups here. At times, I wish we could have a small heart-centered group that meets and does some type of spiritual ritual. Breathing, chanting, meditation, sharing - whatever. I've been a mod for over three years on the forum and have spent about 20 hrs/week diving deep into who gets shunned, warned and banned. I'm the one who often does it. I know the insides well and know what cannot be said. My voice would try to unite the group very differently than Leo. My approach would balance intellect and heart. Yet Leo wants to coalesce everyone around his intellectual constructs and protect the community from outside threats. There is value in that. Yet my input would be seen as undermining that effort - especially coming from a mod. How can a heart-centered mod participate in a forum that lacks heart, emotional connection and empathy? And a forum in which the administrator doesn't value these components? After losing one of our beloved forum members due to jumping off a bridge, Leo posts how he is amused that he has to create a video telling us not jumping off a bridge and another video telling us not to stick our dicks in a woodchopper. This epitomizes lack of heart, emotional connection and empathy. Especially given that Sunny's sister came to the site to help us and was reading that thread. It's absolutely gut-wrenching. And Leo saw nothing wrong with it. He let it stand and he didn't contact me about it. A mod cannot hold Leo to a higher standard because in an authoritarian structure like Actualized, the ruler is the highest standard. No one is allowed to be at a higher standard to hold the ruler to a higher standard - even temporarily. Authoritarian structures have their advantages as well as drawbacks. I do not have the abilities / skills necessary to lead a community like Actualized.