Forestluv

Thank you Truth. This gets at "it". Once the "person watching the person watching the person. . . " concept went to infinity and disappeared, there was no movie, no spectator. I held the original "observer" concept for many years and had been thinking about it for the previous10 minutes, then poof - it was gone. I was stunned for a moment and there was nothing. Then I thought the old concept doesn't work anymore and there were thoughts trying to form a new concept: "maybe awareness is just being. But then a rock is just being, does it have awareness? Maybe awareness is. . . ". And like you said, each concept and set of words failed. None of it could describe that moment. I teach cellular biology and much of my mental processing is about forming concepts and teaching students. And my mind wants to develop a new concept it can "rest on" for a while. So what you write means that words and concepts would fail for everyone (not just me). And I won't understand "it" by seeking someone more advanced to explain "it" to me. So are my efforts to understand by conceptualizing with my thoughts and other's thoughts a waste of time? Or could forming a concept which later blows up into nothing lead to "ah-ha" indescribable moments of clarity?

It's even more of a mindblower. The previous night her boyfriend blew his brains out in their basement. (I also checked this out and it was true). Yep, she survived and is still alive today. We are friends on FB. She seems to be doing OK.

smd, for sure it was a delusion. And there were red flags. For example, several times she told me how wonderful I was and that she didn't want to hold me back from finding someone who deserved me. She would say she didn't deserve me and actually encouraged me to leave her a few times. I thought she just had low self-esteem. I couldn't see that she was guilt-ridden. After we broke up, a year went by with no contact. I moved on and was dating someone else. Then, I get a call from her out of the blue. She tells me she has brain cancer and will be undergoing brain surgery the next week. She said she has felt awful for what she did and apologized. She said she didn't know if she would survive the surgery and if there was an afterlife she didn't want to carry this with her. . . I was like - holy shit - there is no need to be concerned about me. Let it go and experience your last week without any guilt and remorse. (She was so manipulative that I actually checked out the story and it was true).

My tendency is to be attracted to the "bad girl". Sometimes I am into her and open up my heart and become vulnerable. This inevitably ends with a broken heart and sorrow. I have also dated the "good girl" that is emotionally available, supportive, wants deeper levels of intimacy and is totally into me. Generally, I am less open and vulnerable here. Perhaps I feel smothered - I'm just not into. It's not just a fear of intimacy - sometimes I feel like I am dating my mom! I also do not want to hurt her and I have let relationships go on for too long to avoid hurting her. During the after glow of one of my psychedelic trips, I was feeling particularly empathetic. In this case to myself (which was odd). I connected with that sweet, vulnerable persona within me and how much it had been hurt by others. And I'm not just talking breakups. I'm talking opening my heart and this sweet vulnerable persona. Experiencing love and connection . . and then one day literally walking in on her with another guy. That part of me hurt so much, yet I put it aside and thought things like "This is about her. She is just acting out based on her genetics and physiology. Don't take it personally. Be compassionate toward her". And that sweet side got put aside and I would just go through the motions with the next gal. During the trip, I really experienced the sorrow - full-on tears. And became compassionate for that part of me. On the other hand, part of me thinks "There is no "me". It is just an illusion. This is all just another story you tell yourself and use to create a false self". Regardless, it remains a story that causes emotions and shapes my behavior.

Pros: 1. Experiencing awe and fascination 2. A sense of liberation and freedom 3. Connection Cons: 1. The fear and struggle of letting go and surrendering. 2. Not knowing how to use personal pronouns. 3. Twenty five years of nut licking

Could "you" also be considered awareness?

" So when I says "I am suffering" you believe you are "I" and therefore you suffer" Who is "you"?

Hmmm, how would one recognize the truth deep within?

Me doesn't want to experience sadness of ego dissolution.

Who is the "I" that doesn't care about about opinions? What is the "me" this "I" has been concerned about? The insights for which the self has a sense of being the decider and acceptor have come easy. Insights that reveal the self is irrelevant have been more difficult. At times, terrifying and liberating.