Forestluv

@Edvard A thought questioning what is right or wrong is a thought questioning what is right or wrong. Everything is "is".

@haai14 The feeling of 100% truth is the feeling of 100% truth. The feeling of doubt is the feeling of doubt.

@Ariel Everything you wrote "is".

Yesterday there was a moment that lasted a moment, hours or eternity. Time had no meaning. I took a low-medium amount of psilocybin and headed over to the local Nature Center. I was expecting this trip to be similar to my previous ones where I am ONE with nature and experience fascination and awe. Where I experience greater consciousness and feel like the *real* me. Well, this was quite different. I began feeling uncomfortable and was unable to steer things into the comfort zone. There was an ominous sense of some "it", yet I couldn't identify what "it" was. It wasn't a certain "it", it was everywhere. I couldn't make "it" stop. I couldn't change "it". I couldn't escape "it". I sat on a bench overlooking a stream - yet "it" was "it". I tried to walk, still "it". I layed down on the earth and tried to think about how beautiful the trees and sky were. They were beautiful and not beautiful - they were just "it". Everything was "it" and there was no making sense of "it". I went into the insanity zone - and that was still "it". Three students approached me on the hiking path - there was fear of what might happen - they could see me as an insane professor, I could start screaming, I could smile and say "HI", I could just continue staring at the sky - yet it was all "it". I felt so trapped - which was still "it". I was begging to make "it" stop and sensed that the lesson was just "it" and I could not run away or escape "it". Whatever I thought or did was "it". Whatever was, was "it". I looked at my watch and only 5 min. had passed. I thought there is no way I can deal with 2 more hours of this. I thought of jumping in the river - still "it". I thought the only way to stop it would be to kill myself, yet that would also be "it" and I had no control over "it". I wanted to contact Leo and ask if there is any easier way to learn this lesson. Yet, realized anything he said was also "it". As I started coming down off the peak and that ominous "it" became more of an "is". Anxiety is anxiety. A comfortable feeling is a comfortable feeling. That duck is a duck. Seeing the form of a face in a tree trunk is seeing the form of a face in a tree trunk. . . I saw a group of people with walki-talkis. I wondered who they were. What are they doing here? Mysterious feeling is mysterious feeling. . . Are they looking for someone? Could they stop and interrogate me?. . . People with walki talkis is people with walki talkis. Worry of unknown is worry of unkown. Then the worry went away and absence of worry was absence of worry. Everything "is". It "is" so fucking "is" it "is". . . All my search, all my trying to figure it out, all my listening / reading of spiritual teachings is "is". All those spiritual masters explaining insight and enlightenment - it's all "is", just like the duck and my anxiety of "is" is. . . Three cyclists pedaled by me on a bridge. I smiled and tried to make eye contact. The first two cyclists avoided eye contact. The third made eye contact with me for a moment. Is. . Is. . Is. . .Thoughts floated by "Was that a spiritual connection? Did she experience the same sense I did? Is that what it feels like to connect with someone?". Is. . .Is. . . Is. . . Then a flock of geese flew overhead. More "is". Wondering how I should end this post is wondering how I should end this post.

I’ve only dated a couple gals that was into it. Giving her some spanks didn’t do much for me. I’m more into spontaneous encounters outside.

@SFRL I’m a guy. Are you asking about getting spanked or soankinh her?

@SFRL getting spanking during sexual play or during the regular day?

Has someone done both Ayahuasca and 5meo that could compare the intensity levels?

@egoless That was one of my fears: that I would lose control and behave in bizarre ways and get in trouble. What I have found is that I can get anxious in the sub-ego death zone as it feels like I am losing control and I don't know what "might happen". Yet, beyond that, nothing new takes over. It's not like there is some alter-ego dark side that takes the keys for joy ride. I let go of control to . . . just being. And with the higher doses beyond ego-death, I am lying in bed in a state of confusion or visualizations. I wouldn't even be able to enter the passcode to my phone at that point. I have had blackouts in this zone. Yet, I'm literally sitting in my room or laying in bed in another zone. Perhaps others are functional on high doses, but not me. For low-medium doses, there can be some "mindfuck". For me it's only about 20 minutes and I can say "it's ok, not real, this is interesting, no one knows you are tripping, relax in a quite area for a bit". I am present and aware, the story of reality can get weird. For example, I was shrooming in Medellin, Colombia with a girl I just met the day before (she just smoked pot). We were at a restaurant for brunch during the comeup. At one point, the face of the waiter looked odd. There was an odd energy. We made eye contact and it was like "he knows" and I felt a connection. My mind starts telling a story how he seems like he's from a spirit world and he entered my life for some reason. Yet, I don't know why and get nervous. I look around the restaurant and people are eating and talking. It seems too perfect. Like a movie or a computer simulation. I don't know my role in the simulation or what will happen next. I get anxious that I may stand up and yell "what is going on? stop this!". I'm still present, yet it's like I'm on some foreign planet. That would make me anxious sober! I understand how this could spiral out of control for novices. I tried to talk myself down that it's all ok, yet the stimulation was too much. I told my friend I had to leave NOW. We boxed our food and left. I couldn't deal with people and asked if we could sit on a quiet bench in nature. After 10 min., life became so fascinating and beautiful! I was climbing trees and admiring insects and flowers. I was talking with street artists in Spanish about their life history. I may have had some nondual awareness that seem foreign and scary. Looking back, the moment with the waiter may have been nondual. Yet, my mind created a weird story afterwards. That's why I would suggest a low-medium dose the first time. So, you are still in touch with reality and can change your set and setting if there is a trouble spot.

There have been studies showing that psychedelics are among the lowest risk for harm to oneself and others. There are precautions though, like don't mix them with SSRI medication. Based on my reading a lot of message boards, it seems "bad trips" are often due to inexperienced people looking for a drug-induced high - taking too high of a dose and freaking out when they lose touch with reality. I generally trip solo. For me, I would plan on tripping multiple times and starting with a small-moderate dose. If reality gets strange, sometimes it's cool and fun. Sometimes it can be unsettling and the mind can make up some freaky stories. If I'm still in touch with reality, I can settle myself down by thinking "This isn't real, it will wear off in a few hours". I've experienced some nondual sensations on high doses beyond the "ego death" zone. Yet, there is also confusion and thought loops. So, not my favorite place to go. With experience, I've been aware of nondual sensations on low doses, yet it took experience to let go and relax into it. There can be a strange feeling and sense of losing control - it can lead to anxiety of the unkown and what could happen. Losing contact with what you thought was real can be unsettling. One time, I felt like I was in a reality within a reality within in a reality. I didn't know which was real and the anxiety started building. Then I was like, "This is kinda like the movie Inception, it could be cool". That was enough to steer things in another direction. Set and setting is really important. I get much more empathetic on shrooms and some things feel 10X intense. Like the bratty kid screaming outside sounds like he is being beaten and tortured by his parents. Yet, a touching scene of a surprise birthday party of TV can be the most beautiful thing ever and send me into tears, love and joy. . . I absolutely avoid all negative, violent, dark music or videos. It all gets amplified. Dark or light isn't too important to me. The visuals are better in the dark and with closed eyes. I generally go with the flow. Sometimes I can experience music at another level and want to dance. Other times, I go for a walk and experience flowers, insects, animals, clouds and trees totally differently. During the afterglow, I am still very empathetic and in tune with my surroundings. Yet, now I can interact with people now problem. I love to go for a walk in the neighborhood or nature during the after glow.

@Mad Max You missed my point. It matters that YOU care how the bill is paid. I am saying it is literally irrelevant for BOTH of us. Just as irrelevant as the brand of lightbulb in the barber shop across the street. There is no "IF". There is no "Pissy". There is no "Fact". There is no "I want to". There is nothing, because it's irrelevant for both of us. This is just a priority for me. How the bill is paid is important to other people. I get it. I used to care and stopped caring. The number one cause of stress in a relationship is money. Secondly, I started traveling around the world with dates and saw how money issues can interfere with the experience. I made a conscious decision that money will not be a factor in my relationships. AT ALL. Experiences are far more important and that I don't want to give a fuck about who's paying and all the score keeping / power dynamics that goes with it. And I want to be with someone who doesn't care. There is an incredible freedom that comes with that.

Based on my glimpses of being - this would be like trying to explain *seeing*. I can't explain it. I just do it.

For me, on a good date cost is irrelevant. It is a total non-issue. . . Like should we turn left or right along the hiking trail? It's a trivial factor when we are at a higher level of consciousness and connection. But I could make it a big issue about how she decided we turn left last time and I want to decide this time, because I'm not some type of wussy. We should end the hike with an equal number of direction decisions and she is ahead by two decisions. And one of my decisions shouldn't count as a real one, because one direction was an unmaintained path that we couldn't go down - so I'm actually down three decisions and I think there are only two more turns before the end, so I will end up down. I bet that bitch knew that early on and that's why she jumped out with three early turn decisions. . . If it matters at all who pays or splits - that is a red flag to me. Having money be irrelevant is one of my top relationship criteria. Like as irrelevant as what brand of contacts we wear.

@SFRL For me it depends on the date. I trust my intuition. I'm fine with paying and try not make it some irrelevant event on the side. Yet some dates seem to have an independent, equality vibe to them and we split. Or sometimes, I pick up the tab and we casually say, next date it's her turn.

@LaucherJunge @EmeraldSeveral of my "deep loves" turned out to be fantasy and not true love. When I'm living in a world where we are in love and deeply connected while she is cheating behind my back - it's a wakeup call that I'm in fantasy land. That sweet, vulnerable part of me had been beaten up and I try to protect it. Learning to love myself and live happily solo is great. Yet, being solo to avoid heartbreak is not great.

Thanks for those barometers. A few are obviously "yes", a couple other's are "sort of", yet it's hard to explain or pinpoint. In particular, I am relating differently to people. Sometimes there is a connection "Hmm, I never thought of it like that". Yet, if I try to discuss things beyond ego and free will, it doesn't go over well. I started talking with a colleague about how everything we believe in is just stories. Our identity is a projection of life stories and sensations. If we grew up in the mountains of Peru, we would have completely different identities. So who are we? He gave me a "wtf, are you talking about" look. As well, I went on a date recently. We seemed so compatible. Yet, something happened when I brought up existential stuff. I never heard back from her.

@Marinus IME, a low-moderate dose of a psychedelic at a festival is MUCH better than alcohol. Psychedelics enhance. Alcohol degrades.

@wavydude For me, I can drift back into fantasy and carelessness - yet it's not the same. Awareness returns to remind me. Kinda like the guy behind the curtain in the Wizard of Oz. I can still get caught up in the fantasy, yet know it's not real. Even if I could take the blue pill and unconsciously live in fantasy land as if it were real - I wouldn't do it. That illusion just wasn't that great. From the glimpses I've gotten from higher states of consciousness suggest the real world is where it's at.

I've gone through difficult periods with ego and free will. My mind tried to sort it out and make sense of it. I had similar thoughts as in your post: "This is unacceptable because. . . ". One big thing for me was the fear: if there is no free will, I could act on subconscious harmful impulses. Some reckless mysterious source would be controlling me. My ego wanted to create a narrative in which it was still relevant. For me, an Ayahuasca retreat blasted through all of this. My ego struggled to maintain control and steer the experience. My ego lost all control and painfully died. It was the most terrifying experience of my life. My ego returned, yet is no longer the "tough guy" it used to be. Three months later, I'm still feel shaken at times about that experience.

@SuperLuigi I've had somewhat similar experiences. Certain things grab my attention and drive me crazy and I can't let go of it. That restless kid two rows behind me in a movie theatre can captivate my attention, irritate me and ruin the whole goddamn movie. I think it's a combination of not having control and OCD-like focus/attachment.

@Psyche_92 I've done a lot of work on this. I've written a lot wrote about and discussed with others fear of failure and success. From 18-22 years old I was acting out all my beliefs of how I "wasn't good enough". In particular, education was a measure of success for me. Yet, I failed out, flunked out and got kicked out of several academic institutions. At 22, I returned to a community college and built a network of friends that did not party and were achieving stuff in life. I found a couple "study buddies" and learned how to study for hours straight. My confidence was so low, that I was planning to stop after an Associate Degree. Yet, a professor found out and pulled me aside. She told me she had been teaching for over 30 years and I am one of those that have an aptitude for academics. She told me if I continued in academia I would make meaningful contributions. I could not see this "aptitude" in myself, but I trusted her and continued on. I've never forgotten that moment and occasionally reflect on it. That moment set me in the direction of becoming a professor myself. In spite of my success, there was always a background fear and insecurity. In graduate school, I felt like an "imposter". I often felt like one day they would figure out who I "really" was and say "wtf, how did you get accepted?". Then, kick me out. A few things I've learned that has helped overcome this: 1) When I was a boy, I often heard from teachers and parents about how much "potential" I had, yet I didn't apply myself. I still remember sitting at parent : teacher meetings with them discussing how I was gifted and how much potential I had. Yet, how disappointing it was that I wasn't applying myself and using it. Part of my identity became : I am somehow gifted, yet a disappointment and will fail. This identity was acted out and reinforced as I repeatedly failed in college. Living my identity: I am somehow gifted and should be in college, yet I am a disappointment and will fail. Teachers and parents were disappointed in me as I lived my life script. 2) I had a bad tendency of comparing myself to more highly-skilled workers - generally those further along the path than me. For example, as a graduate student I compared myself to postdoctoral researchers even though they had four more years of education and training. I was not as good as them, I could not succeed. This created barriers. 3) I had a tendency of creating ambiguous and unattainable standards of "success". For example: This year, success means getting straight A's, publishing two papers and speaking at an international conference. Well, I did all that in the year, yet only published one paper. Not good enough. I failed. As well, if I was not at the "Top", I was not a success. For example, being an Olympian is a tremendous achievement. Yet for me, being an average Olympian without a medal meant failure. I eventually let this go. I started to create "easy goals", "reasonable goals" and "dream goals". I had small successes and learned to accept them as success. 4) Success to me does not mean being good at everything. I totally suck at remembering facts and details, yet I am extremely good at creating concepts, models, hypothesis and predictions with information presented to me. I've learned to minimize the impact of my deficiencies and leverage my strengths. 5) I had a belief that success or failure was individual. I would do everything independently, never ask for help and all success or failure was attributed to me. I took a class in Kinesiolgy and failed the first exam. I was devastated. Thoughts that I "wasn't good enough" returned and I considered withdrawing from the course. I feared this meant I would fail out of college once again. I mentioned this to a friend and he asked "Why don't you just use one of their tutors? It's early in the semester, you could still get a B or higher with *some help*". Asking for help didn't occur to me. I recoiled at the suggestion. I told him "Seeing a tutor would mean I couldn't do it myself and I failed". My friend replied "Who the fuck told you that and why do you believe it?". Ahhh, I got that belief from my parents. With that belief, I could always take full credit for success or failure. Yet, what if I saw a tutor and got an "A" in the course? People would be so impressed with how I overcame adversity. Yet, I would know that's a lie. It was a result of me AND others and I couldn't take credit. If I got an "F" on my own, that's MY "F", I own it. I realized if I was to be "successful" it would be through working within groups and I would never be able to take credit for it. I didn't like this deal at all. Yet, I finally agreed to it. I got a Kinesiology tutor, and a chemistry tutor, physics tutor, English tutor. I started hanging out at teacher's office hours. Before I knew it, I was a tutor. Then a teacher. Then a professor. There were times I wanted to break that deal. Fear and greed tempted me to be territorial or take something. If I share, he will take it and I will lose out. Yet, I've always honored that deal because deep down I know I'll get an "F" on my own. As a result am not competitive. I don't strive for the big money grants, keynote talks, the leader on projects, big titles and accolades. I'm a relatively unknown player. In basketball terms, I am one of the best "6th man" in the business. I come off the bench at critical times to provide a "spark" and to make others around me better. The stars get all the credit. I know my role and happy with it. I used to believe that I needed to be the "Star" to be successful. Yet, I realized all I really want is to participate in the Big Show, The Big dance.

Well there is the answer my self identity would like to give: "I would help others and donate most of it away" And there is the an answer based on passed behavior. How much of my disposable income do I currently donate and use to help others? Not much. Would this necessarily change if I had much more disposable income? Maybe. I don't know. Part of me would likely feel overwhelmed and there would be a fear of losing the wealth. That part of me likes security, so I would probably invest a lot of it in something safe, like a money market. Also that part of me would be concerned about losing the wealth due to hyperinflation. What if the dollar loses value or collapses? It's not *real* physical wealth. It's only paper after all. So, I would exchange dollars for physical wealth. I wouldn't want to manage houses and know nothing of art or jewelry, so I would likely buy a bunch of gold bars and have them stored in several safety deposit boxes. Another part of me likes to ration and pace myself so I don't run out (e.g. water or food during a road trip, pacing myself during a marathon etc). That part of me would want it a goal to live off the interest, or mostly off the interest. Another part of me would feel an urge to spend money to help others. This would be a combination of empathy and obligation. I would likely feel a new sense that I can make a meaningful difference in people's lives - yet there would also be a guilt factor if I didn't spend on others. I'm sure there would be countless people and organizations asking for money - and I would need to learn how to say know. I would give some to family and charities of interest - yet, I would probably try to lay low and not wear the wealth on my sleeve. I've never been particularly motivated by money or titles and they aren't really part of my identity. I currently have the resources to buy fancier clothes, jewelry, car etc. yet I don't. So I don't see that changing. Part of me really likes traveling and desires to live with other cultures and learn their languages. I lived in South America for two months last summer and loved it. I would likely take a year or two off to travel the world and there is a good chance I would spend the rest of my life doing that. A few years ago, I read an article that the majority of Big Time lottery winners are right back where they were after 5-10 years of winning. (Due to poor investments, gambling, theft, general irresponsibility). So, although everyone has a great story of what they "would do", it doesn't pan out for the majority.

Sometimes spoken language sounds like music to me. I listen to a podcast of a Spanish woman with clear and beautiful pronunciation. Her tones and rhythm is like music. The clarity and detail of her thrills is amazing. When she talks, it is like listening to a guitar. She is like a highly skilled artist or musician. This only happens when I listen to certain foreign speakers, not my native English. Perhaps my perception changes because all the English words have meaning and I am unable to listen to only sounds without meaning.

@smd @aniss I agree three years of this sounds serious and it's probably best to take the focus off of her and put the focus onto oneself. Yet, I would recommend seeing a psychologist or councilor rather than watching those videos. I've experienced mentally-unstable periods and I think those types of videos could have caused me harm.

@Emerald Cool. It took me a while to sort through some old beliefs I had. This perspective is sitting better with me. Thanks for your help.