Forestluv

I can get so immersed in thought that I lose awareness of my self, of time and of my surroundings. I often miss exits on the highway. One time I snapped out of it and realized I missed an exit and had driven over 100 miles on the wrong highway. . . Another time while running I became immersed in thought. I suddenly realized I was running through a strange little town. I asked someone where I was and how to get back to my town. It turns out I ran 10 miles out of the way. I ended up running over 30 miles that day - more than twice as many as I had planned. Meditation has revealed that thinking is a drug for me and I can get addicted to it.

@Revolutionary Think @Leo Gura I just want to add that I've experienced anxiety and fear during moments of realization that free will doesn't exist. Overall, it hasn't been a pleasant process.

I'm hyper-curious about some things, yet I also get bored incredibly easily. When I get hyper-curious about something it can become an obsession. I can lose my sense of self and of time. I can spend hours and hours, researching and developing models to figure it out. At times, I suddenly realize I haven't eaten all day and I really really need to use the toilet. Sometimes when I'm with someone, I ask lots of questions and try to form hypotheses and models - the other person often gets exhausted and asks me to stop. The flip side is that I can get soooo bored with people and common ideas floating around. I generally like eccentric people that step outside the social norm box. I have strong urges to find new perspectives, ways of looking at the world, interesting ideas. I travel to different cultures abroad, dabble in quantum physics, learn a foreign language etc. to engage my mind. Boredom is my personal hell and it is one reason I love psychedelics so much. It makes anything and everything interesting. Yet, I've read this is garden-variety stuff for an INTP.

There is an empty void in the present that is very scary to the ego

This sounds like a self trying to figure out enlightenment.

The sense of self is uncomfortable with the silent void in the present. It creates fantasies and concepts to avoid. It wants to be a linear entity in time with a past and future

Yet all experiences nontheless are territory, no?

And that beautiful glimpse makes the terror and insanity aspects of the journey worth it.

I’ve needed tens of thousands of hours trying to figure it out to convince myself I can’t figure it out.

Over the years, I’ve had realizations that I thought “this is it!”. Or, at least a component of it. Yet, those realizations eventually fell to the wayside as a new teacher entered and I experienced new realizations, which eventualky fell to the wayside. . . For me, most of the thinking, conceptualization and patting myself on the back is a form of mental masterbation. My first *real* experiences came after decades of seeking in which every thought, belief and self identity was stripped away from me as I struggled like hell for control. They were the most terrifying, humbling and liberating experiences of my life. Full on insanity with temptations to kill myself - as this would be the only way to regain control and make it stop. I can’t relate to anyone skipping along joyfully as they sing a song of their knowledge and enlightenment. It’s so different than my direct experience.

@phoenix666 Most of the time I cycle through: "That was it", "Was that it"? and "I don't know what the hell I'm talking about".

Ahh, I suppose there comes a point where the distraction is over-powering.

@Joel3102 I hadn't considered depersonalization and ego-death as distinct spaces. Thanks. It raises something new for me to be aware of. In short, depersonalization involves detachment, while ego-death involves merging. So something like greater connection and empathy would be toward ego-death on the spectrum.

This type of thing drives part of me crazy. For me, letting go and surrendering is key. It may seem difficult here, yet this stimulus is FAR easier to surrender to than other stimuli. So, I would use it at times as an exercise of surrender. (I would also try to create a quiet space as well).

@Pure Imagination I've spent so much time creating definitions, concepts, parts. Searching for that "something". . . No, that's not it. Maybe this. Not that either. . . Perhaps it's a good exercise. . . Yet, what happens when all those thoughts and concepts get blown away? What is left? And what happens when the thoughts and concepts reappear? Are they within what was left or distinct from what was left? What if it's all "you". That every thought "IS". That's all. No more or less "IS" than any other thought?

@HII To me, it sounds like you are replaying a story over and over, reinforcing the belief that the illusionary self is real. You can let go of all those identity stories. . . and you do. I imagine there are times in life you are so immersed in an activity that you lose the sense of self. Perhaps while playing video games, or playing soccer or during sex. . . Then afterwards, the story of who "I am" starts up again. "Hmmm, that must mean I am "X" and because of "Y", I'm probably "Z". I do it too,

The only reality is right here, right now. Just be here and now. You are. Without attachments and judgments.

Based on my glimpses, "it" is not something that one "gets" or "becomes". There is nothing to attain or become. You are zero steps from enlightenment in this very moment. Nothing you can think or do is not "it".

I'm no expert and this is prolly enlightenment 101. . . The default setting for my mind is that enlightenment is a "thing", an "it", an "event", a "destination", a "process". My glimpses into nonduality is "it" just "is" - it's all and nothing of that (and this is coming from someone who for 20 years of my search hated when people talked liked that). As well, in my glimpses into nonduality - there is no "one" and "the same". Everything just "IS". There is "ISness" - I can't detach from it or escape from it - yet I can lose my awareness of it. When I am in a mindset attached to definitions, I'm generally in a low state of awareness. When I am chasing girls on Tinder, I am generally in a low state of awareness - this activity is also "IS" - the same "IS" as meditating at Machu Picchu, yet the chances of being that awareness of ISness is much lower when chasing girls on Tinder. For me, I have a higher chance by "getting struck" by awareness when I am not conceptualizing, attached to thought or distracted. Generally when I read or watch spiritual teachings, my mind is in "learning mode" with thought, concepts, curiosity etc. It's the teachings that break through that and stop me that are effective. For example, during Leo's latest video, I was watching very pensively. All of a sudden, he became very animated - waving his hands and saying with emotion something like "This is actual!! Right here!!! Me, doing this!! NOW, NOW!! THIS!!. . . ". It broke me out of my thinking and I had a glimpse. As well, Richard Spira relaxes my mind and gently guides me to a space where I might get struck by awareness. A few weeks ago, I was walking along a trail in nature and a big piece of fruit fell right in front of me. THUD!!" A glimpse. . . Another time a squirrel jumped on a log and started chattering loudly at me. A glimpse. . . And of course there are psychedelics. . .

@Leo Gura And within this dream, do you know why elephants paint their toenails red?

@Slade @Leo Gura I’ve also had dreams similiar to this. I was training to lucid dream and doing “reality checks” throught the day for weeks. One night, a reality check failed in a dream and I realized I was dreaming. I was concious and aware I was in a dream! I started walking around thinking this is so fucking cool! I got so excited, I started waking up. I thought “Noooooo!!!!” and tried to reenter the dream, yet woke up.

For me, a nice strong trip demolishes these types of beliefs and being right / wrong. Yet is also terrifying when struggling to hold on.

@Ryan_047 This insight was very difficult for my self to accept. I rationalized for years trying to find some way to integrate meaning into life. The concept of meaning is constructed by my mind. Yet, my direct experience includes what feels like “meaning”. Why not be aware of this and experience it?

@egolessI'm no expert, yet my sense is there is no "it". For me, I easily get distracted and conceptualization of enlightenment is a distraction. That is one reason psychedelics are an effective tool for me.

I don't know. To me, there seems to be a concept of an "it", "there" or "event" going on here. My mind loves to conceptualize or search for "it", travel "there" and hopes to have the "event". Yet there is no separation of an "it" or another place of a "there" or no experience of an "event".