Forestluv

I met a gal a few weeks ago online and we seemed to click immediately. Intellectually, physically, emotionally and spiritually. She had been in open relationships before, yet told me that here she prefers to “just focus on each other”. Since then, I deactivated my online dating apps. We’ve had what’s appeared to be intimate, meaningful time together. I’ve opened up that vulnerable sweet part of me and my heart. I don’t open up like this to many women. In the past, I’ve been naive and thought the two of us were on the same page only to find out she was seeing another guy or just using me. The connection and emotion seemed so authentic and real. Finding out the truth was really painful. As a result, I’ve had several surface relationships in which I wasn’t emotionally involved . There isn’t much pain and sorrow, yet not much emotional connection either. . . Well, after 7 months of introspective work - I had a desire to live my truth and experience love in a relationship- even if that meant becoming vulnerable and experiencing sorrow and heartache. So, here I am. We seemed to have such a strong connection and I opened up and became vulnerable - it seemed like she did too. She’s been in open relationships before, yet we decided to just focus on each other for now. So, today I was feeling unsettled and went onto POF to see her profile. She has still been active. Rather than confront her, I texted her that I was developing emotions for her and asked her to be open about intentions. She asked a couple questions to clarify what I was saying, yet not where she is at. I’m uncertain where she is at, yet I am also uncertain where I am at. It seems a lot easier to be aware and “just be” when things seem to be flowing smoothly. Yet, now my body is filled with stress-response hormones and my mind is filled with thoughts about what is going on, what I should do. Rechecking if she is on pof and if she has texted me. Wanting to know what she is up to. It seemed I made so much progress on the conciousness path the last year, yet now I feel like the first level. So, do I just treat this all simply as “happenings”. Just try and observe without attachment? Observe how these thoughts are part of a story of my illusionary self? Yet the thoughts and feelings are my experience right now. My surface desire is to communicate with her and make this all better. Yet there is a deeper desire to get in touch with *me* and the deeper source of these thoughts and feelings.

@egoless Acting classes helped me with that.

@christianblake Thank you. This is helpful. Self love was one of the themes of an Ayahuasca retreat last sumner. Those self inquiry questions are great. I don’t go deeper than a surface level with most women, so this is a good opportunity. There are definitely projections from past experiences. It seemed like there was an authentic connection and emotional bond. Yet, I ended up being used and discarded. That’s one reason it’s hard for me to be trusting now.

@SFRL I can be naive and overly trusting. Everytime I’ve opened my heart, I was used and discarded. Then I put up walls that the next GF can’t penetrate. My concern here is going exclusive with her and not meeting a better match. Yet, I am enjoing myself and the sex is phenomenal.

Sure, sporadically - not consistently over a 30 yr. period. A few people get lucky. Yet, the most likely way to become wealthy is slow and steady over a long period. Or, become a quant. and write algos.

@Star Net Yes, that is what I started doing 25 yrs ago. And if you can average 20% gains over a 30 yr. period, you would be by far the greatest investor that has every lived.

@Heart of Space Beliefs are limiting.

The idea that "enlightment" is "this" necessitates it is not "that". How could anything not "IS"? Let go. . . aware. . . all "ISness".

And what is "love"?

I'm curious if there is intention within your use of "supposed".

IME, it depends on the person. I've seen novices jump in hard and fast to later regret it. Yet, the Shamans in Peru encouraged us to jump right in and drink a strong dose of Aya, then let go and surrender. I didn't meet anyone at the retreat that later regretted it.

Regarding tolerance: IME it takes about 10 days for a full tolerance reset from a regular/full dose. It takes about 7 days for a full reset from a mini dose and about 3 days for a microdose. I trip consistently and mix up micro, mini, and full doses. Once I became more accustomed to the psychedelic experience, I found that I could raise my level of consciousness on lower dosages. Regarding brain damage: It depends on your definition of "damage". Do you mean losing cognitive abilities like doing math? Or perhaps fundamental changes in perception / world view? My psychedelic experiences have shaped me, somewhat similar to how my experiences living abroad have changed me. There are a couple changes that I would have considered "brain damage" before I started using psychedelics, yet I know longer consider it "damage" - I now consider the "new normal" more "normal" than the "old normal". The only long-term side effect I wouldn't consider "normal" is occasional HPPD. When someone is animated and moves their hands around fast, I sometimes see tracks. I'm not sure if I am just more aware now, or if there has been a visual processing alteration. It's a bit annoying, yet not a big deal to me. IMO, anyone serious about exploring and expanding consciousness will naturally utilize psychedelics. Similarly, anyone serious about travel and exploring the world will naturally utilize airplanes.

It’s right here and now peeps.

@Leo Gura Would you consider 5-Meo-Dmt a "regular psychedelic"? I've done a variety of RCs (4-ACOs and LSD derivatives) and Aya. I've gone through the "ego death" process and losing control at times has involved struggle and anxiety (yet, I think it's getting easier with experience). I feel a calling toward 5-Meo, yet also feel a sense of caution.

@vizual I love this analogy and I experienced it with her last week. I was lightly tripping and not overly thinking like I normally do. I noticed how our conversation was flowing between us. Ideas and concepts merging together and developing. I felt like we were out at a concert. . . It also brought to my attention how my over-thinking disrupts this flow (e.g. while she is talking, I am developing my own concept and thinking about how I am going to explain it). @YaNanNallari Points taken thank you. I'd just like to mention that this is not my normal manner of communication, it is only occasional blips (perhaps one comment like this for every 8hrs we are together).

There have been times on the mediation cushion where I am bored and I think "Fuck it, I'm going to think". I consciously make a choice to take the think drug. I can go off into far away spaces of thought. I'm a science professor - this allows me to pursue conceptualization. Like most INTPs, I do not like organized/structured institutions. I have lots of autonomy, which I like. For me, the psychedelic experience shattered my thinking structure. I was shown that thinking is limited. I know have interests in non-thinking/conceptualization areas. Yet, my default mental state is absolutely still thinking.

@vizual But most people don't "get" our dry sense of humor. During my classes, one or two students will crack up laughing and the rest of the class is like "HUH???"

I can get trapped into the concept of "progress". I remind myself that meditation is not linear progress toward a destination. It is learning to be aware and experience the present moment. I'm always zero steps from what I seek.

I'd put awareness up there too.

@kieranperez I also take Adderall XR 20mg. The first time I mixed it with LSD, I experienced an unpleasant type of physical euphoria, including heart palpitations.

Consistency has been key for me. Saving is a habit, a lifestyle. When I was 22 yrs old, I started deducting a certain percentage of my income and put it into a type of savings that would be a bit of a pain to withdraw. After about 6 months, it became habit and I didn't even think about it. Even though I was poor, I adjusted to living without it. I've been doing it 25 years now and never missed a month.

Thank you all for your comments. I’m seeing this behavior from another perspective. (I would like to mention: I am not like this ALL the time, yet it is a habit I’d like to let go of).

@Sine Thank you Sine. She has a very high emotional intelligence with amazing interpersonal skills. She mostly works to resolve conflict and provide support to refugees. When I can step out of my analysis, I see she has a sophisticated perspective of life and is so connected. . . The other day, I was going on and on philosophically about neglected diseases and the ethics of resource distribution. She was so patient. Then, she shares about her years of work assisting inner-city poor people with HIV. . . I suddenly realized she KNEW and I didn’t know what the hell I was talking about. I had been sitting in my office, safe in my head pontificating. I was able to shut up and listen. I learned so much and my perspective changed. A couple times she mentioned that she felt “too basic” for me. Yet, I don’t see her like that at all. I’d like to get better at letting go of my tendency to over-intellectualize. In some ways, it gives me a sense of comfort and control.

@SirVladimir In these situations, I generally share about how the deceased person contributed to my life. Or, I invite others to share how the deseased person contributed to their life. Timing is important tho.