Forestluv

@ZeN Snorting was very uncomfortable for me. I dislike lying with my head upside down, the nasty nasal drip and the loss of 5-meo substance. Plugging works much better for me. Relevant to your post: 1) I crush the 5-meo-dmt into a fine powder to help it dissolve. 2) I dissolve it into 3/4 water and 1/4 astroglide gel (to prevent powder sticking to sides of syringe). It is an orange color. 3) I suck up the liquid into the syringe. Also, people have different sensitivities to 5-meo-dmt and it is very different than other psychedelics. 5-meo-dmt is not visual. For me, 15mg feels like what I imagine heroine to be like. The experience is very different at 25 or 30mg. As well, if you had some losses that 15mg may have been closer to 12mg. Under 15mg is a low dose. If was comfortable at 15mg and was like "What's all the fuss about". I then moved up to 20mg without problem.

@Nahm For sure. For me, acceptance feels close to unconditional love.

I've noticed many women list "emotionally available" on their desire list. I'm comfortable discussing emotions and I generally like to. I can often get curious. . . One or both of us may be experiencing fear the other might leave. How might that affect our actions toward each other? Let's look at a few examples. Currently, my gf and I have an interesting control/power dynamic going on. We both want to control the narrative.. . . In general, I've found women in romantic relationships like to express emotions, yet don't like to engage in self reflection. For example, if I told a gf that I experienced a sense of rejection after one of her actions - most gals I've dated would either: 1) get defensive and suggest I shouldn't feel that way, 2) get defensive and suggest it's my fault, 3) self-judge and go into "I'm not good enough" mode and suggest maybe I should date someone else. I bet guys act the same way. Perhaps it's human nature. I've found very few women that are open and comfortable discussing emotions and then learning and growing.

Especially the deep penetration.

@Elliot For me, I'd rephrase the question to: What is my reaction to someone I perceive as acting inappropriately? Why do I view the behavior as a mistake? Who put these "rules" in my mind?

@Key Elements Great story. This reminds me of my youth when I wanted to become so many different things: an actor, a philosopher, a scientist, a psychologist, a photographer, a writer. Someone told me if I studied deep enough into one field I could break through to all fields. After 26 yrs of study into Biology, I am finally starting to see how it is all interconnected.

For me, seeking a place I deem as "good" is part of the character self dynamic. Seeking a "spiritual" space through meditation is the same self dynamic as seeking higher income, seeking control, seeking a girlfriend etc. . .

Regarding anti-depressants: we are all constantly taking "anti-depressants". We seek what we believe will make us feel "good" and avoid what we believe will make us feel "bad". Listening to music, sex, reading a novel, eating a delicious meal, drugs, alcohol, writing stuff on actualized forums, playing video games, masturbating, running a marathon, meditation, yoga, watching a movie, anti-depressants. All of this alters brain chemistry. It's all part of The Game we play. Another part of The Game is judging whether others are "right", "wrong", "good" or "bad" based on their brain chemistry and how they alter their brain chemistry. How we score these moves in The Game seems mainly dependent on the conditioning we received in our life history.

Hmmm, I'm not sure I'd refer to it as happiness. IME it's different than what I had thought happiness was and what most people seem to think happiness is.

@PhilGR Your English is very advanced. Nice work. I think it’s fairly easily to reach an intermediate conversation level for English, yet very difficult to reach an advanced written and verbal level. One idea I had for many years was that spirituality or enlightenment was “out there” somewhere. At a meditation retreat, in a book, a teacher, a community, an ashram in India. That’s part of the *seeking* dynamic of the self. Ot’s part of The Game. Seeking the ideal job, girlfriend, recognition, acceptance, spiritualily. Yet, that “it” I seek doesn’t exist. The “it” is what IS in this moment. Not what it could be or what it should be. What is here and now. That here and niw exists for all of us - wether we are meditating in an ashram or being held in a prison. Would some environments be more conducive to realizations? I’m not sure. For me, any environment that takes me out of my habitual thinking and attachment to my story allows space for realizations. A meditation center may seem like a great environment, yet I still need to be aware. There are darma talks that may challenge an old belief, but they are replaced by new concepts and beliefs which end up getting challenged. My favorite environment is simply nature. Observing nature and life.

Who is the “I” that is watching the screen? who is the “I” that will never take it for real?

Would infinity also include the giraffe that I do not see in my office right now?

One Sunday afternoon last month I sat on my couch listening to sad music. I then experienced the emotion of profound sadness. Deep, deep, deep. With and without crying. I just let go and experienced it. There was no *reason* for me to feel this and I didn't try to figure it out it my head. There was just profound sadness that came for an hour and then left. . .

I've found attachment to any particular perspective leads to suffering.

And that is a perspective as well. Another perspective would be that there are are no levels to rise above or fall below.

I've experienced some awakenings of the self as an illusionary character. Like a character in a movie. For me that character is part of the mind-body dynamic. That character still wants to eat, have sex etc. It comes and goes for me. Sometimes there is an awareness of the character playing out a role, other times there is no awareness and there is immersion into the story of the character.

What is "life purpose", "good" and "benefit"? Who decides what is "beneficial"? These are abstract concepts with many different view points. What if someone started personal development and became depressed for years with an attempted suicide. Would this be "good" or "bad" for them? Now imagine that person reaches complete despair and has an awakening. They clearly see the underlying truth of their depression/suffering and can let go of their attachments. They experience deep liberation and creates a program to assist depressed people toward awakenings. Would the personal development that caused years of depression be considered "good" or "bad" for them? Who decides what is good or bad? The individual? The community? A mathematical algorithm? A stage blue perspective would be more like: Everyone is born with Original Sin. Only God can forgive sins. Going to church confession to ask God for forgiveness is *good*. Sinning without confession is *bad*. . . This was the messaging I received in a Stage Blue strict Catholic upbringing. Every time I questioned these beliefs I was told The Bible says so and the Bible is the word of God. Black or white. There was no room to discuss shades of gray such as: is a *little sin* without confession just a *little bad*? What is the threshold "badness" for something to be classified as a "sin"? A white lie? Lusting for a secretary? . . . Why are some proclamations in the Bible considered sin (lying to your parents) but others are not considered sin (wearing clothing with mixed fibers)? How can a sin be absolute if different denominations disagree on whether it is a sin?. . . NO ONE in my upbringing wanted to engage in these questions. They kept coming back saying that I either believe in God and His teachings or I don't. Don't question God - he can work in mysterious ways. The bible says so. . .

I've found most people get very defensive and closed minded about self actualization. Most people are unwilling to even consider they lack free will - which is an entry level realization on the path. Living this life has it's challenges. My gf recently told me I lack opinions and that I don't take a stand for something that I believe in. . . . Well, yea. . . I have preferences, yet opinions and beliefs are conditioned thoughts that are part of the character's story. They limit a person to one perspective. . . . I was then lectured on how her beliefs motivate her to advocate for people in need and do not limit her. . . We're both right and both wrong. Two of an infinite number of perspectives. Yet, I find it tiresome at times interacting with people locked into one perspective.

My latest 5-meo-dmt trip: I previously have done about seven 5-meo-dmt trips, starting at 10mg and worked up to 30mg. I've had anxiety and surrender issues with other psychedelics, yet not with 5-meo-dmt. This time I plugged 32mg, weighed out on a research grade 1mg scale. My third time plugging. The powder was ground fine and none stuck to the syringe - so I think I got nearly the entire 32mg. I think I may have hit my upper limit since I sorta blacked out during the peak. There was a lack of being present and aware. Perhaps this was due to complete loss of self, such that there was no self to experience or remember. About 10min. of the 30min. trip was in this quasi dreamlike state I don't recall. The other 20min. were similar experiences on dosages of 25-30mg. I'm not sure if this is the exception or the rule for me at 32mg+. Yet, I'm not interested in high dosages that cause pseudo blackouts. Overall my experiences have both similarities and differences to what I've read. 1. I have not had any anxiety, panic or surrender issues - not even into ego death and blackout zones. I previously tripped about 30 times on other psychs and have had several intense surrender struggles. Perhaps this allowed for a smoother ride with 5-meo-dmt. As well, I think the short duration helps. When I lost control with Ayahuasca I knew I was in for a 4hr. ride and panicked because I couldn't stop it. With 5-meo-dmt I know it's not that long. For both psychedelics, the concept of time disintegrates, yet I find it easier to let go and surrender knowing it's a short duration. 2. I've only had moderate increases in heart rate and minor rectal discomfort with plugging. I had yucky nasal drip snorting it - even with the upside-down head trick. 3. Dosages of 10-20mg feel so chill and sublime. Like what I imagine heroine would feel like. 4. At dosages of 20-25mg it feels like I am at a "more evolved" conscious level (although that notion doesn't exist during the trip). In Spiral Dynamics terms, it feels like what I've read about yellow / turquoise levels. It's like I step out of my lower green and orange levels. This seemed to be the range where I was conscious of truth and could integrate it smoothly into my "regular" life. 4. Dosages of 25-32mg cause complete dissociation from my body and "my story". A type of liberation. At one with the changing energy of nothing / everything. 30-32mg was too high. I wasn't very conscious and not much was integrated into regular life. 5. I have not had any "omfg!! I am god and created the universe!!" type of experiences. Perhaps I interpret the experience differently. 6. Overall, the most alluring state for me is in the 25mg range. I'm not sure if this is because I want to develop into this state of awareness in my waking life. 7. 5-meo-dmt is definitely a unique substance and complements other psychedelics well. For me, the lysergics/tryptamines are in one similar group, san pedro is unique and 5-meo-dmt is unique. 8. My trip durations have been about 30min. I wish they were about 2hrs.

More abstract conversations can involve confusion. We each have a life history that has shaped our interpretation of abstract words. I lived in South America last summer. One day I was telling a story in Spanish to a friend. I wanted to describe a social situation that was awkward. Yet, the meaning we give to awkward has no single word in Spanish. My friend offered words like incomodo (uncomfortable) or raro (strange). That's kinda part of awkward, but not fully. The meaning of awkward was completely obvious to the two other Americans in the group, yet extremely evasive to the Spanish speakers. Similarly, there are four different ways to say "I was" in Spanish. Each has a different sentiment. There are some straightforward rules which verb tense to use, yet there are also areas involving abstract concepts of time and mood. Telling your story is like painting a story. I find Spanish beautiful since there is more space to convey sentiments, yet it's also difficult at times to convey the sentiment I want. It's easy to get directions and chat about food. It's much harder to talk about things like freedom, justice and the nature of suffering. My past history has programmed meanings into my head. Meanings that are different than someone with a very different life history. It's uncomfortable to put myself in these situations, yet they take me out of my box. Each of us has a filter for the concept of suffering that has been shaped by our life history. I don't speak of what's true, since there is no universal truth. It's just a perception. Similarly, your use of the terms "I", "suffering" and "other's" can have various meanings when processed through another's mind filter. I find it exciting to discuss various perspectives, yet I also find myself at times trying to be understood and explain "how it is". One view I like on suffering is that the majority of suffering is due to trying to avoid and escape something painful. Trying to figure out why this happened to me, debating in my head what I should do, analyzing all the potential outcomes, wishing I had only said "such and such" and this never would have happened. This requires a character in my mind that has a story. A character that has a history and continues through time into the future. When I drop the story, there is simply *what is*. Not good or bad. When I see someone else trapped in their story and suffering, I feel a sadness.

I ate powder. I have not prepared it myself. I bought some powder in Peru. I haven't seen the cactus in stores in my area. For me, San Pedro is the least possessive psychedelic. For others I have a sense that it is taking over control and I need to surrender. With SP it is like the moment, the essence, the teacher, the "it" is always present and available. Yet, I was allowed to drift off and return without scorn. I didn't have any anxiety at all. Super chill. I spent about 6hrs in my meditation room with singing bowls playing. I did not feel like I was losing control or needed a sitter.

@Krishna Siva How can a perspective be “correct”? Our perspective has been shaped by our environment and phsiology. My gf and I got into a debate about justice and accountability. I thought her perspective was illogical. Yet due to our different life history, we have different meanings for concepts like justice, fairness, responsibility, punishment etc. Her upbringing was VERY different than mine. At times we have miscommunication and confusion since we are essentially speaking different languages when we interpret words differently. My ego wants to be objectively *right*. It is not satisfied with the idea that I only have one perspective of an infinite number of perspectives. It holds no more or less value. My ego sees itself as being right for me and everyone else. Yet how would one determine whise perspective is *right*? Take a public poll?

San Pedro is lovely. So smooth. Such a patient, gentle teacher.

I have. There are no words or concepts. It’s like trying to debate the essence of fdaewituy on zadfipuyf during pkiurdg as a Tfguerokm

Noone sees 5-meo-dmt clearly. It is not understood or explained. It’s like discussing the healthiest dog food options for a great dane on a thread about how to order contacts online without a prescription. It just sounds silly. Try some out to see it clearly