Forestluv

I've been perusing a few journals and I'm really impressed by how genuine they are. So many people are sincerely seeking inner truth and to improve themselves. It's humbling for me to read at times. And it is beautiful. It inspires me. One common thing that has limited my expansion is an inner insecurity, not "being ______ enough" and limiting beliefs. These are some of the first things we hear about when starting personal development. Yet a surface-level awareness only pulls out the weeds, it doesn't get to the root. I've found these dynamics go really deep into my psyche. So much of my life had been shaped by wanting to avoid experiencing these energies that felt uncomfortable. And I'm not just talking about the big, obvious stuff. For example, being afraid to ask out a guy or gal one likes or avoiding a job interview. This is obvious fear of rejection. Yet, it goes much deeper and influences small actions we take each day. These subtle influences go under our awareness radar. They add up to be a big mover of one's life. One of my deep insecurities was that I wasn't smart enough. It doesn't really matter how it got programmed into me. It's been there since I was a kid and has influenced how I perceived life. Sometimes I was aware of it, yet usually it was below the radar. It was like wind in my sail directing my travels. It influenced my career, who I dated, people I interacted with, how I interacted with people and on and on. No amount of external validation was able to dissolve this insecurity. I got bachelors degree. Still there. I got a PhD in molecular biology. Still there. I did a post-doc, won awards, got grant money. Still there. I became a professor. Still freaking there. I still wasn't a good enough professor, like the others. I wasn't bringing in enough grant money. I still had to prove myself to others. So many ways I interacted in life was influenced by this insecurity. I never had the confidence to be me. One thing that helped me reach a deeper level of awareness was student evaluations my first couple of years. A recurring eval would sound something like this "Dr. X is super smart, yet he is incapable of communicating with students like a regular person". I would dismiss the part about me being smart, since they were students and couldn't really tell if I was truly smart or not. . . The part that got me was the inability to connect with students. This was so true and baffled me. I failed out, dropped out and got kicked out of several undergraduate institutions. I know their struggle. I experienced it and could relate. Yet, I couldn't connect. The big block was this dang insecurity of not being smart enough. My inner self was more motivated to present a persona of an intellectual professor to my students and colleagues. It created a huge gap of separation. One of my breakthroughs was realizing I'm kinda good at certain intellectual things and I kinda suck at other intellectual things. Once I accepted that, there was a huuuge relief. I no longer had to carry on this charade of being smart in every area. I could utilize my strengths and I was ok with my weaknesses. This was a game-changer in terms of my career. For example, I am a natural abstract thinker. I naturally see big picture, integrate and connect dots. Conceptualizing comes naturally. However, I suck at memorization, remembering details, people's names, dates and facts. I often forget who, when and where the great scientific discoveries were made. Yet, I know why the experiment was so elegant and creative. I know why it was a big deal, how it opened up doors and the impact it had in the larger context. . . I can't memorize all the proteins involved in photosynthesis and I have no interest in doing so. I can look it up in a book. Yet, the energy dynamics from photon, to photo systems, to electron carriers to concentration and electrical gradients is fascinating. That is the art. That is the awe. That is the magnificence. . . It's like I'm finally teaching like who I am and what I think is most relevant. Not like how I think a teacher should be like. That is what's needed to reach the next level. Then the next level and next level. Before long, one realizes they are free to express themself, pursue inner interests and has developed their own style that is unique and magnificent.

Direct experience reveals the distinction. It's not something one figure's out through thinking.

Yes, there are subtler egos and identities the deeper one goes. There can be a mixture of self and trans-self seeking energy. Yet, the direct experience of pure trans-personal desire is very distinct from self-need based desire.

It depends on the developmental level of the person and the underlying source of motivational energy. For a mind-body immersed in the personality, the seeking energy of the things you mentioned could all be self-need based seeking energy. Once one breaks through to deeper levels there can be energic shifts toward the trans-personal.

It’s in it to win it!

Climbers gonna do what climbers gonna do. . . ?‍♂️

@JayG84 These realizations are halfway there. Absence of meaning to an ego is dreadful and there can be ego backlash. There is a deeper meaning and knowing beneath the ego. Yet it doesn’t serve the ego, so the ego resists it.

?

It was just a statement in general. The ego doesn’t like giving up control of the narrative. My mind included. And yes, this thread has turned into a can of worns, hasn’t it?

@now is forever the awareness that one’s own perspective is relative is a high level. Stage yellow in the SD model. It’s one of the hardest parts of evolving to tier2. I still have to work through it at times. It’s one facet of ego death.

You were as well ?

I don’t think I can be helpful to you in this space and I will step aside ?

@corndjorn Seven “IS’s” in that last post and you state each one as if you believe it’s true. I’m not agreeing or disagreeing with you. Take a step back and look at the thought dynamics appearing in the mind. The ego wants to control the narrative. It appears in my mind as well. That’s what egos do. It’s hard to let go of.

Indeed

@corndjorn Go back in your writings and look for everytime you used the word “is”. The “X” is on the left of “is” and the “Y” is to the right of “is”. And you most certainly have some beliefs appearing. You just aren’t aware of it. The ego will always want to control the narrative. And I am not suggesting there is something wrong with beliefs or it is something to be avoided. As a mind expands, as does awareness.

@corndjorn Not my point. You keep saying “X is Y”. Then you say “I understand X is not Y”. Then you go on telling stories with an underlying belief X is Y. Embodiment goes much deeper. And I am not pointing to your concept of nonduality. That is an assumption you seem to be making and I think you are dismissing nuggets of insight because of that assumption.

@MM1988 I’m not an expert on ketamine, yet I know reserachers of psychoplastogens are not including ketamine due to toxic effects. They are trying to develop safer chemicals.

@corndjorn All stories are ultimately groundless.

@Nahm (spoiler alert: there is no escape).

You betcha. With some silly sprinkles on top. ? Over seriousness can lead to a contracted state. Humor and silliness can be a release valve.

“Escape From Nonduality”

@Tistepiste For sure, trips can take all sorts of turns and detours. Changing one’s orientation by just a few degrees can make a big difference. On one of my trips I was in a reality within a reality within a reality. . . I didn’t know which was the right reality. Then, I felt like I was trapped and would never return to normal reality. Anxiety maxed out and was about to reach the panic zone when the thought entered. . . “Wait a minute, this is like the movie Inception. I get to be in a real life version of Inception. This is so freakin’ awesome!!!” Then I put on some music and started dancing because I was free in any reality that was appearing. . . . Strange Brew. . .

It’s so awesome to see you explore life and spirituality. Thanks for sharing your story with us. It made me smile. ?

@Nahm Hmmm, perhaps I’ll call my second book “A journey to nowhere”.