Hero of Time

I am reminding my boys when I take them for a walk to be prepared to notice anything we might find, to not grow attached to seeing certain things. By taking a walk, they are exposing themselves to whatever they’re supposed to see. In this way, they can be open to to anything. I am going to approach meditation in this way as well.

If hypergamy is stronger than spiral dynamics, then so is gynocentrism. As I currently see it, hypergamy and gynocentrism are the driving dynamics behind Tier One zone, expressed differently in the group-focused and individual-focused zones. I don’t have time this morning to get into it, but a couple of examples I can think of would be pickup artists and entry-level MGTOW who espouse “pump and dump” as being very red in their gynocentrism. Men who value sacrificing themselves for their women and children with no thoughts to themselves as very blue. I haven’t through through orange yet, but in green you’ve got men who have basically given up on seeing much positive in masculinity and do whatever a woman wants. Do we go “full circle” when we reach Yellow? As in, we men have a strong masculine foundation with an integrated anima, and women have a strong feminine foundation with an integrated animus?

Sunday, June 24, 2018 Yesterday, I was in a suicidal state for most of the morning. This is my weekend to be by myself. My addictions to thinking, porn (themes of not being enough are strong with me), masturbation, sexual relationships, video games, screen time... they were in full force because I was feeling particularly isolated and alone and unable to deal with reality. I’m not going to shame myself for it. Why do that? I did manage to clean my room. There is still a box of paperwork I have been resisting dealing with because I’m afraid of what I’ll find. I am putting all of the things I need to deal with on my kitchen table today to start working through. I also meditated for one straight hour. I’m very proud of that, it was a huge milestone for me. My spiritual beliefs are very much in flux, so today I was thinking of attending an Eastern Orthodox church just for a change of pace. I don’t really think I’m ready for a spiritual community yet, though. Too much baggage from my past. I’m attending a twelve-step group locally and it's about as close to a spiritual group I feel safe in right now. Instead, I started my journal here and decided to invest myself in this group. I need to get a job (as I quit my job in 2016 to support the kids while my wife worked) to get some stable income but I really don’t even know where to start. This is frustrating because I have a master’s degree and live in an upwardly mobile city, but I’ve not landed a job after trying three different possibilities (complete with second interviews). I also have my own consulting business that if I could figure out how to market better, would make a lot more money than a job. I’ve been successful on a very small scale but I don’t know how to take things to the level where I’m fully supporting myself and my boys. Money is terrifying me. Especially since I will owe child support (long story). I’m going to eat breakfast, meditate for 20 minutes, and then start cutting through the paperwork on my kitchen table. Peterson attributes a quote to Jung where he says that genuine moral effort was a good substitute for psychotherapy. So, I’m going to make a good effort at getting through the crap on my kitchen table.

Thank you, all, for your encouraging replies. I’ve been watching Leo’s YouTube videos for nearly a year now and have decided that I need to be involved with the forum community, and I have not been disappointed with the way each one of you has welcomed and encouraged me. I’m going to start a journal. @starsofclay I like your avatar. @lmfao Yes. It’s easy to try to repeat a past good experience in a present action instead of letting the present moment be exactly what it is. @Sahil Pandit You've gotta hit me up on what you mean my “SDS.”

Yes, in one of the videos Leo encourages staring at a particular point for a period of time and then losing focus on it. Honestly, I think I would like to close my eyes more. Next time, that’s what I’ll do. ?