MarinM

@Angelo John Gage its not a thought, its achievable experience. I dont have true experience of that but I've had some smaller levels of truth. Seems like no one can convince you, and no one should. Just have the mind open for the possibility and see for yourself if it's true or false

Yea those videos feel much more natural I like them a lot

Oh and I dont want to propagate that college is bad, its really useful for a lot of things but in my case all i need is good portfolio and hard working hours behind it

For psychology I was at first like yea I'm gonna do that it was kind of I got no other option that I'm interested in then 2 months before college, things turned 180 degree, I went for drawing classes just for myself and I don't know how to draw and there was the teacher always telling me to go to art school and at first I was like no, I can't draw then the more time was passing there was this feeling in me telling me to go for that and I really felt like that's it then when I came in college now I got call to quit it and learn art on my own since I don't have much time left for myself after I do all the school projects (and it's not an escape from college I just feel it would be much more valuable being with myself, doing online courses for 7 hours a day than dabbling around everything from digital art and yesterday I found intermediate concept art online course one year long but I will need to use 2 years before that to reach intermediate level. It's really exciting yet scary in a way and all of those intuitions came when I was at full peace with everything, so kinda my advice is be patient it will come to you, but its not secure advice i know but I wish you find yourself in the right time

I feel you, I'm at similar place, I wanted to be psychologist but I saw no real juice in it for me so I went for art. Life purpose evolves and the thing is that you create if for yourself, there is no special life purpose for you, it's just going deeper on unimaginable levels. I'm now doing arts and want to master painting but I kinda know I won't stop there, I might end up cleaning old people's assess if I feel it later in life. Non-duality will help you a lot being more in touch with your intuition and all you have to do is follow that guidance. Life is a game, play it however you feel like. Good luck

So many times when I meditate I try to be aware of my body and most of the time when I go to feel my upper legs or feet they tend to tense up while still being in the same place - not a single move, but the more I try to be aware of them the harder the tension becomes and it's raising near the line of pain. And all that time I thought by default that awareness causes that but today I got question if maybe there is always tension there but I'm just not aware of it which makes more sense to me now but I'm still not fully sure. Even when my mind is calm through the day I can feel tension when meditating. So the question is: Is my focus building the "pain" in the legs or there is "pain" always but I'm not aware of it? I also tend to jerk my leg unconsciously when sitting, doing anything and sometimes it's kind of unstoppable and I just let it be but my mind is clear with no stress or anything, so is there something bigger being suppressed on a level it can't come in my mind?

@Dan Arnautu Isn't it just about doing much less, like for example meditating and drawing whole day (ideal for me)? How does minimizing number of objects help? I mean, I got rid of phone apps, fb, ig and shit just let it for calls and viber, I would get rid of it fully but I'm not really in position. The question is - how does reducing items that are not used to distract yourself can help? Haven't really researched a lot about this concept so I'm curious

My personal perspective on those things is to feel the grief alone. No one can really help you but yourself. Even when you share it with someone it will be like yea buddy be tough dont worry everything will be okay since no one can feel it with you and most likely if you dont have anyone to listen to you right now or to share grief with you wont find them instantly any time soon. Let the emotions through you and be stronger after it passes. Good luck

I was and am in the same situation but now is much less intense. Its a process that takes time for your ego to see its not scary at all to open up. Just continue your meditation practices, chose easier situations to open up or do/say something you are afraid - where you still feel fear but its not so big so you'll have smaller barrier to say it. Dont worry if you feel stuck in saying something just be aware and let go. It takes time so dont blame yourself, try to accept it and take small opportunities to grow, later when you feel more confident you'll be able to say/do things that were more afraid of. Good luck

@Ilya I'm at similar place. I just see myself getting enlightened and painting all day night long. The only contribution I see myself can do is positive murals on buildings. But, I think once one finds true fulfillment in himself he'll naturally turn outwards. I was kinda blaming myself for being unable to find purpose to help other people, but I just don't feel it right now.

@Nahm Thanks a lot for the support! Cheers!

I don't know how long this writing will be so I'll make long and short versions and I'll do my best to keep it on point and dont make it abstract. Long version(how I lived before college): SO, It's been almost 2 months since I moved in a new city to go to college and live alone. I'm 19 years old, I'm really really calm/happy most of my time. I almost never get angry or sad. Anyway, I was really hyped for college and how I'm going to grow a lot there, make my own lifestyle, make good habits and make discipline. Through my primary and high school I was learning only day before test and somehow I managed to have good grades. I didn't have discipline at all. Most of my time in primary school and beginning of high school I was playing video games with story or just some casual multiplayer then I started playing League of Legends for few years and I couldn't play anymore of "normal" games. Every time I would start new game I would be into it for a hour or two, then get bored and not playing it ever again (I was really neurotic about that, I just wanted to breeze through game and not spend single second on story and to enjoy it). Then, around end of 2015 I first time heard about law of attraction and it was really eye opening stuff. I was reading and listening a lot about it and was really seeing it in my life, then later in that process of discovery I stumbled upon Leo's videos and it was like next level shit, I was so amazed with the information he was putting out I just felt truth behind all that (I started watching him nearly after Enlightenment videos release). I also see that through my whole life I was gravitating towards understanding of people and life. It's been a year since I started meditating (but I broke in the beginning of the process for like one month, but now I'm 8 months daily meditation with 2 days fail which I will talk in further text). So from the last 2 years my understanding of reality is huge when compared with my old understanding and I feel much more free. To the point: So, the last two months when I started living alone I've experienced a lot of emotional and mental shifts. I'll try to put story in chronological order -I was really hyped for college and how I'm going to grow a lot in new city, make my own lifestyle, make good habits and make discipline. -Few days before moving in and when I moved I was really empty and sad (It's actually first time I was sad on my own, without any influence from other people) and finally broke to tears for like 1 and a half hours without stopping, it was really scary in a sense and I cried like 5 times tops in my life including childhood. I knew I have to cry to feel better and I managed to do it. Right after "last cry" I felt excitement (not full, since I had some sadness suppressed and couldn't let it out). -I started again cold showers and nofap (even tho I don't know why I stopped, I did two months cold showers and 3 months of nofap until starting again) -When college started I was hyped for challenges of meeting new people (99% of my meetings before college were coming naturally). I was going to every person/group that goes with me on classes, it was hard but I managed to hide my fear and presented myself as a cool guy. The trick was in cold showers and morning meditations (also I did Wim Hof breathing method first 2 weeks and it really worked but I stopped it since I didn't wanted to overdo my self with new habits and I also had to do home jobs, cooking, cleaning, etc.) since those would really hype me up for life and I was managing to meet people and talk funny things much easier. I also didn't care (not fully but mostly) if I will make any new friends, since I'm really picky with people and don't want to spend time with people who I can't connect with on a deeper level, but I'm really good with everyone and I like to spend time with people (this is not contradicting itself, when I'm in college I like to spend time with people and crack few jokes but after college I don't want to call them for a drink or anything since I don't feel like I will benefit from them). All first year students know who I am and I'm really extroverted in school with everyone and this is real shock for me since I was seeing myself only going on classes, not caring for anyone, but this type of attention feels good. -I've managed to make my meditation practices from half hour to one hour with no problem and at that time when I was doing one hour every day I had mindblowing, ecstasy type of experiences, it was peak of my meditations and I had some amazing insights. -But, the more college is going, the more I have homeworks (I study digital art and 90% is just work and not study). I realized how neurotically perfectionist-minded I am with my work since I want to present myself how good I am at creating art even tho I'm nothing special (Through my childhood I kinda felt how amazingly creative I will be later in life even tho I'm not currently able to express fully my creativity) and it's hard to present half-assed work since I don't have much practice in these new areas (animation, graphic design) and software (adobe mostly) and that is killing me. This whole week I stayed in home to do my homework since my project I want to make takes a lot of time and I'm doing it first time ever (cut out animation) I finished 60% of work and I could have done it 4 days ago already but I don't have any energy to do so. KEY POINT -Last two weeks my emotions are a lot of time anger and frustration, I've missed two days of meditation (and I'm from 1 hour easily to 20 mins barely, it starts to get hard at 10 mins) and cold shower, I failed nofap (I'm fapping neurotically 4 days for now), anything I want to do I feel huge pressure for not finishing my previous work. I've purchased 8 games for Steam kinda neurotically (even tho I haven't been playing games for 3 years (not counting league of legends, but I've stopped to play it half year ago and don't want to go back to it)) *also I think this buying is because when I was younger I always wanted to buy myself new video games and games on sales and have credit card*. I started playing skyrim and I broke my waking up at 7am routine. Now, I go to sleep at like 6 am these days, and wake up 10 hours later. My food cravings are huge (I ate 4 normal size chocolates in 1 hour) and I eat every little bit and I also see how I'm doing it just to fill the emotion but I can't help it, even tho I'm skinny-fat. When I'm doing all that and having in back of my mind I have to do my homework I have "inside anger" attack and I want to "explode" or cry but I can't manage to cry at all, I just feel desperate, I want to scream fully and I can't because I don't want my neighbors to hear (and I felt real anger last time when I was in puberty, I'm almost never angry at all). When I had biggest anger attack I went sprinting and managed to let it out "70%" in that moment. First time I did something to release anger was dancing crazily, it was really intense kind of dance and I was like all over the place, I had muscles hurting next day but it also helped. I also had plans for gym when I settle myself with my habits, I also wanted/have to draw every day for this college period since I basically have that much time to be able to get a job where I will improve myself further and be able to live normally without money issues. But now I feel really stuck and can't grasp bottom line of what's happening and have no motivation to do anything. Also anything that I want to do I can't and I get stuck in a situation (youtube, facebook, games etc whatever I'm frustrated with). I hope this is just ego backlash because I reached lately my highest peak of emotional state but this is really intense and I don't know what to do and it doesn't feel like I would be able to be hyped again. I might even call this depression since this is like bottom of my emotional state ever. I'd like to hear people's opinions about this and their experiences related with college, work, living alone etc.

@Joseph Maynor I'm currently not in position to go for enlightenment since I got no work ethic and discipline. I'm using these college years to put myself on path of mastery and gain needed discipline since I want to do ego things without being attached to it. Meditation habit will always be present so I'll keep on growing. Also I've spent quite some time last night self reflecting and making priorities having in mind big picture. Feels like a fresh start and looks really well planned. Suffering had stopped and I'm getting slowly back on my track

@DnoReally Cheers man! Good luck to you too, we can do it!!!

@ajasatya @Leo Gura @Toby All of this is really eye opening, thanks people!

@ajasatya good point but I don't plan to get enlightened any time soon

But aren't I supposed to resist my urges when backsliding? These days I'm really beating myself up for failing at every aspect I was good at. I also felt a kind of release and understanding when I wrote this post but everything is still same. Also your response gives me some consolation, thanks man!

Don't know what you expect to get for answer. It's not impossible, you just need to take more time. If you can do basic equations don't know why you couldn't do more. Involve yourself more instead of complaining... Good luck mate

@Mondsee I did LSD yesterday and felt like I need to watch yoga tutorial online and I did the whole process and oh man the feels I got. Just WOW, my back were full straight, head up, shoulders back and I felt amazing. Went out for a walk, 0 anxiety, felt like anything can happen and it won't matter, feel of freedom (to a degree tho, but I felt it like never before). Don't know if everything was yoga but feel was great. I'm planning to learn yoga asap. Cheers!!

In case you dont know what 4 aco dmt is - it's basically psilocybin legal alternative. It's not my first time taking psychadelics. I've used LSD 4 times, and 4 aco dmt once before but smaller dosage where trip was really easy to surrender to and had really positive impact on me during and after the trip. This time, kinda different story. I took 27mg of 4 aco dmt with my friends but we went each into seperate rooms to trip alone. When i took the dose I started dancing to relax myself and just when I got tired it started taking effect really fast. It was strange come up and I was sorta scared in a sense, so I went in my room where I lied on bed with eyes closed and started tripping really intense. I remember I was scared if I will see like some sort of demons attacking me and I was remembering other trip reports where people experienced real torture (not on this psychadelic, but it didn't matter), even tho I'm "9,7/10" positive guy (which means I'm always positive, not necessarily always smiling and being happy and excited but you get the point) and I rarely get depressed (but there are times of course). Few months ago I also got aware that my belly is really often tight in certain situations when I'm suppressing emotions (I realised it when I watched Elliot Hulse talking about how ego uses muscles to suppress emotions) and also it gets tightened even when I don't do anything unusual. I think my belly tightening lasts for years but I haven't noticed until last few months (tho it can easily not be true, I just have a feeling I used it a lot before realization). Now let's get back to trip: So, I was really scared of getting scared and that I would scream for help, flipping in bed or something which my ego really can't let me do (really need to work on that point of letting myself out), and even tho nothing scary in my head was happening, the trip was so overwhelming that my body was tightened so much that I couldn't let go. I would find myself in all kinds of poses so tightened in my belly, neck, legs, basically whole body was suppressing the trip. Times were rare where I realized its me tripping (basically 2/3 of the trip I've spent in my head unconscious). Also when I get to know what is happening I couldn't let myself relax all the muscle tension ( I couldn't even try). Somewhere in the middle of the trip there was huge relief (even tho it wasn't really relief for me because I didn't realize what was going on all the time, it basically was just natural to feel that way - still overwhelming but different state) - where i was smiling and fully relaxed on bed with arms and legs spread all over it and I was really happy and shouting something how I'm excited for life and I was like "give it all to me" then it actually gave all of it to me and I got back in that muscle tightening again until the end. After trip set down I felt really bombarded and my belly was tightened like 5 times more then it was usually and it's been tightened for 3 full days now, soon 4, and I just can't relax it. It's actually bigger struggle to relax it then to let it be tightened. SO, all I'd like to know if any of you had really intense muscle tension (regardless of taking psychadelics or not) and how to deal with it overall. I was denying my belly all these months because I didn't feel it was really that urgent to deal with it and I thought it will eventually come off as I get more confident and more self loving since then I won't have to suppress emotions. (ALSO, on the side note, when I suppress emotions with my belly I don't actually even know what I suppressed, I just realize I'm suppressing something and I don't feel guilt or anything in my head, even tho sometimes when I get really uncomfortable I know it's that shame I'm suppressing but I just continue normally after that). P.S. sorry for my terrible writing skills, my english isn't that good and I hope you understand and I hope I didn't bore you too much reading all this text but it's my first time posting my problems online and I'd also like to meet some cool new people here if that's how forums roll

Man, "The Intouchables" is all I will recommend

@Naviy Amazing response, thank you very much sir. Just what I needed to hear. Cheers!

The only question that was bothering me is: Do I need to focus on being more in the moment while doing the "do nothing meditation" or is that counting like doing something? I've been doing it for quite some time and I haven't done anything at all but I'm most of the time not aware what's going on and I'm mostly daydreaming. Is it okay or there is something I should be doing?

I just want to say thanks because you put me back on track. I was taking it every day for 3 months, started at first for a month as a challenge then continued as I saw benefits but then I just convinced myself to go back to comfort. This post actually reminded me why I started in the first place and motivated me! Cheers mate!

Thank you all for your support, I will definitely consider the recommendations. Cheers!