zenjen

@gleb if you can, write your insights down so you remember exactly how this moment feels. If not, that's ok, too. You created a beautiful life and you can remind yourself of that each day

@Joseph Maynor I think a collectively masculine mindset is on its way to blowing up part of the human race one of these days. We are out here disrespecting our mother earth. The good news is that everything is ok and being will be restored in due time, somehow, because it must.

“When your dreams turn to dust, vaccum.” I have been led to follow the self-help spiritual wonder woman Gabby Bernstein. Why? Because I felt an aversion to her and I examined the reason for it. She basically has everything I would want for myself in her life. She is an excellent communicator and writes from her heart. How would I ever know that if I kept my idea that she was shallow because she plasters her pretty face all over her books to sell copies? I’ve come to accept that’s not a bad thing; she’s using her personal gift of conventional western beauty to get people to listen to her message. I might even benefit by doing the same. So, upon this realization, I took her up as my current teacher and bought a few of her books, as well as her “The Universe has Your Back” card deck (because hey, its pretty and inspirational). For tarot, you pick a card to reflect on your past, present, and future. I thought I’d give myself a reading and reflect, so here we go: Cards are shuffled and in place, left to right, past present and future. Past: The Universe has my back Oooh, the famous card. The universe had my back in the past without me even knowing it. I look at all of my life I’ve led until now and all of the needless suffering and I can finally see the point of it all. It made me an extremely strong person and it helped me grow almost exponentially. In my darkest moments, I would have never believed this message, but it was true all along. I have been thinking a lot about this fact. Present: The more energy and intention I bring to my faith, the more fearless and free I am Currently, my biggest fear is going back to school and at the same time, dropping out of school. Maybe the universe has bigger plans for me than I possibly could have dreamed up myself if I keep my faith bigger than my fear. This could be a good one to remember in regards to this present fear that I have of choosing the wrong path. Future: I find deeper meaning, and personal growth, amid the discomfort In regards to the school thing, whichever path I choose will bring me a certain amount of discomfort in my daily life. Either discomfort in doing my homework or discomfort in the fact that I need a degree for 90% of the jobs in my field (even though I already have a job without a degree). The discomfort is just another growing pain, which will happen naturally, hopefully throughout my life. Discomfort is what drew me to personal development and even to this deck of cards, so it’s a good thing for the future to keep in mind that discomfort isn’t a negative thing. If anyone on here would like me to draw cards to do their own reading, I'd be happy to. Just let me know

Part 2 – Dropping The Roles You Play – Worksheet: How does each role feed into your sense of being a self? The shy girl ­– I see myself as being an introvert now because that’s how I’ve always been labeled. The Victim – I am seen as the one who bad things happen too. Poor me. The quirky/strange/outcast ­– It makes me feel like I’m some type of special person. How are your roles protecting you? The shy girl ­– This gives me an excuse not to talk to people. The Victim – This gives me a scapegoat for my circumstances. If it’s the worlds or other people’s fault, I don’t have to take the blame. The quirky/strange/outcast ­– By not getting close to people, so I cant get hurt by them. Which deep psychological needs does playing out each role satisfy? The shy girl ­– The need for security. The Victim – The need to feel loved and coddled. The quirky/strange/outcast ­– The need to feel special. Which genuine aspects of you is each role suppressing? The shy girl ­– The aspect of me that is silly and outgoing. The Victim – The part of me that wants to be the hero, to rise above adversity and not care about what happened in the past. The quirky/strange/outcast ­– The aspect that wants to fit in and be loved and accepted as part of a group of friends. Who would you be without these roles? Probably happier. How are your roles limiting the growth of your consciousness? These roles limit the multidimensionality of my character. Especially the part of me that wants to speak up and be heard and fit into the crowd. How could you be more aware of when you’re playing inside a role? By being more aware of my roles in themselves. Specifically, being aware of how I tend to act differently around certain people, and questioning my beliefs and judgments about other people.

The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression “The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality and my life, as I write this, is vital even when sad. I may wake up sometime next year without my mind again; it is not likely to stick around all the time. Meanwhile, however, I have discovered what I would have to call a soul, a part of myself I could never have imagined until one day, seven years ago, when hell came to pay me a surprise visit. It's a precious discovery. Almost every day I feel momentary flashes of hopelessness and wonder every time whether I am slipping. For a petrifying instant here and there, a lightning-quick flash, I want a car to run me over...I hate these feelings but, but I know that they have driven me to look deeper at life, to find and cling to reasons for living, I cannot find it in me to regret entirely the course my life has taken. Every day, I choose, sometimes gamely, and sometimes against the moment's reason, to be alive. Is that not a rare joy?” ― Andrew Solomon This quote didn’t make sense to me when I first read it in the self-help section of Barnes & Noble, but the idea really started to kick in when I listened to @Leo Gura's video on morality and solidified with my own insight. For every happiness there is suffering to come, possibly at a much later time, but as Leo said before judgment is like spitting into the wind. As someone who has experienced extreme depression and came out the other side, I urge everyone suffering to take this quote to heart and think about the meaning.

Tuesdays with Ken I met my therapist for the first time today. He is around 55, my dad’s age, named Ken. I told him about some of my insights and he seemed to wonder why I was in therapy. I’m no longer considering myself depressed or suicidal. He was totally aware of the aspect being, and cited awareness and acting as the observer of your own thoughts. I asked him if he read The Power of Now and surprise(!), he has. I was so happy to find that he understood me and didn’t dismiss me as a spiritual woo-hoo. He said being an older therapist with 30 years of experience, he is more acting as the sage compared to his younger colleagues. At the end of the session, he said I was articulate, smart, and insightful, which made me feel good. Those are the things I’ve always wanted to be known as but I kept getting in my own way before (probably because of not being totally honest with myself and others). Of course, it’s okay too if I’m not any of those things, but I was open and honest with Ken and I felt like that compliment was my reward. I am so excited to finally have someone who can provide me direct, personalized guidance each week. My next session is Saturday of next week. Hopefully I’ll be able to get on a regular schedule of Tuesdays soon though.

The Keyhole In spring of 2016, I decided to get a keyhole tattoo on the back of my neck, directly on my bone. I had wanted it for over a year and believe it or not, I never assigned it any specific meaning until now. I just thought it was pretty and I really wanted it at the time. Why did I get a seemingly random tattoo? I felt trapped in my life and wanted to have control over something and to do something strictly for myself. My boyfriend didn’t talk to me for a few days after I showed him. My parents weren’t exactly thrilled either. I knew I would receive that response but did it anyway. I went by myself to the tattoo shop and got it and there was no pain. I was highly satisfied with it and I still am. What I’ve been thinking about is that this tattoo actually does have an amazing meaning. I felt trapped in my reality and life and saw this rebellion as my way out. The same way my spirit is trapped in my body until I die and my true identity will never find its way out. I told myself I might get a key once I realize what this tattoo means, but I think that a key isn’t necessary now. The universe is inside me, hiding somewhere in my body that is beyond reach. The keyhole is representative of what is inside my body in that can't be touched.

Catatonia My sister was talking about the shooting in Las Vegas this morning with my family in the kitchen. “Was he Islamic?” my father asked my sister. “No,” she said, “He was a veteran, he was a 64-year-old white guy.” “Why would he do that?” “Because this is Trump America.” Anyway, my sister and father went on a search to find reasons, reasons, reasons. Was he in the Vietnam War? Oh no, he’s too young for that. Maybe he wanted to create his own war. My sister then compared Trump to Hitler and said that she would assassinate Trump and Pence if she could. That’s when I decided to intervene: “Assassinating them wouldn’t solve anything. The spirit of Germany was the problem, not Hitler. If he were assassinated, another Nazi would have taken over. America chose Trump because he is what the spirit of America wanted, and if he didn’t exist we would choose someone like him over again anyway.” Perhaps this wasn’t the exact right thing to say, but it did put an end to that conversation, which was making my dad a bit uncomfortable. My father seemed to agree with me. Then the topic of mental health was brought up. My grandpa was a veteran with mental health problems. Diagnosed with schizophrenia, twice he had gone catatonic and received electric shock therapy. Once after his time in the service and once after his son died. I loved him dearly. So, I wanted to self reflect on the likeness of my self and my grandfather given my recent trip to the mental hospital. Genetically, I am a part of him, a part that came after one of his shock therapies. I will think this over for a while and maybe journal my insights.

Glad you are ok Leo. ?? Sending love and prayers are for all involved or affected.

Who is the Devil? I wrote this for fun and reflection upon Leo’s last video. This is a portrait of me in the height of my evil days. Hope you will enjoy. The devil is a 22-year-old girl who suffers in the basement of her parent’s house (rent free), likes to watch videos of “fluffy kitties” on the Internet, and is afraid of ghosts. She gets overly worried about offending others. Last week she was crying in the Taco Bell bathroom because the world is so cruel. She has had much success in pursuit of her external goals but has no idea why it has not fulfilled her. “If only I could get out of this house,” she thinks, as if it will solve all of her problems. She believes that some external being or force will save her someday, and she is only partially right. She doesn’t understand the universe much and constantly labels her life, which should be “good” otherwise it’s “bad”. She has many ideas of "good" and "bad", and projects those ideas onto other people and things, but this is only in an attempt to save the part of her self that she loves but refuses to understand. She is an ignorant loving fool. She wants her fears and the fears of everyone she loves to be gone, to comfort those in need of comforting, but she’s so delusional that she doesn’t seem to understand where fear comes from. She sometimes thinks to kill herself to escape her own reality. She is as bad as this world gets and she is your worst nightmare.

Androjenous I've been listening to Leo's videos on male and female psychology. I found it very helpful, but I think I'm an edge case. I often feel almost autistic when it comes to gauging others emotions. I always felt like I sucked at communicating, especially in subtle cues. This is a male brain thing to do. At the same time, as a woman, I like men. I've always felt a bit androgynous if I'm being honest. Sometimes I was mistaken for a boy when I was a kid. I can easily see things from a more male perspective. On the flip side, this makes it very difficult to have close friendships with women, the more time I spend with guys. I've spent time socializing with guy friends to the point where having female friends seems foreign to me. This could be because I've experienced "betrayal" on the part of my closest girl friendships in the past and felt heart broken. I've never really had a man break my heart. They've hurt me, but not as bad as the women in my life. Including emotional abuse from my sister. There is a stigma against me having male friends though, which sucks. Then again, I'm a crier and I tend to get sadness instead of rage. This is probably much more feminine to do. So maybe I'm not so good at logic or emotions, but I'm somewhere in the middle of the spectrum of masculinity and femininity. That's how I like men, too. I think I'm getting better at both and it is a great gift that allows me the flexibility of compassion, no matter who I speak to.

@phoenix666 Yes! I started a journal, but I find it really refreshing to talk and answer questions with people right now. I've kept my thoughts private for most of my life and filtered my responses so maybe it's my learning to open up that is getting me excited to share right now. I'm enjoying the feedback I'm getting from group conversations.

@Elisabeth Thank you for your concern. I agree this should be covered more, especially for those people in depressed states who are seeking enlightenment. I think this could definitely become a trap and I plan on staying away from new agey stuff until I feel more stable. Only some simple mindfulness and breathing practice for me. In a way I feel more sane than I've been for awhile. Codependency, materialism, fear of the dark and supernatural have almost vanished from my life. I'm working on my fear and paranoia of opening up to people (social anxiety), & that has improved as well with talk therapy. At the same time I feel scattered and I'm not sure if it's because of side effects of the medication. I have been unable to focus very well on one thing for any extended period of time. I'm very much in the moment and it's challenging to plan for the future right now. The doctor said this would go away relatively soon though, so I'm hoping. (By the way I'm crafting these long explanations because it's therapeutic for me to sort out my thoughts in writing)

@Principium Nexus good question about embracing my flaws. Maybe I'm not quite ready yet to totally do that. I don't believe I'm insane, but I'm afraid I might seem that way to others. I think the psych meds will help me as a temporary fix until I can recover my body. My diet, exercise, and sleep schedule have been trash for a long time and I think it contributed largely to throwing me off balance. I naturally have a seemingly athletic build, and Ive never been told by a physician to change my diet or exercise. But how would they know all I eat is junk? My physical tests all come back ok (probably also helps that I'm young, 22 years old). Seems kinda like how crazy "normal" behaviors go undiagnosed in the realm of psychology. Anyway, once I get grounded in a healthier routine I think I will gain more confidence to embrace myself and eventually come off of the medication. After all, it's better than commiting suicide.

@phoenix666 thank you, I really appreciate that. <3 When I was admitted to the hospital I told my whole story truthfully to a worker there. At the end I held her hand and started to cry and I remember asking her "do you think I'm insane?" she said "no" with tears in her eyes

@phoenix666 in the back of your mind could you can rest on the thought that it was a trip that would come to an end sometime? I thought I would die if I fell asleep on my own, and the fact that I wasn't on any drugs made it seem more terrifying

I like Disney movies, high quality non-toxic shit right there ? Oh yeah and the Over The Garden Wall mini series is beautiful. That one planted a seed for me. Children's shows, in my opinion, have the least amount of "impurities". But if you are interested, the show Game of Thrones has an interesting message if you look carefully. Specifically analyzing the character of the three eyed raven. It will also make you question your own views on morality (if you are not too passive in watching it).

Emotional healing/Self Reflection Your deepest innermost desire/secret: you want to place all of the love you should have for yourself in someone or something else The truth you would rather not face: it's all okay, all of it, yep ?? even the misplacement of your love ❤️ Admit defeat over your desires and you'll know true peace, keep having them and your life will make certain situations seem catastrophic when they are actually not (at all!) You fear what you desire most because you've totally forgotten what it felt like to be like a child, and now you think your innermost desires must somehow be evil. The good news, they are, in fact, not! Only suppressing your desire to truly love yourself creates 'evil'. It's not as serious as you think.

Many points of view on this, I see. Personally, I wouldn't recommend taking them until you are quite secure in your enlightenment process, because you might see something you are not quite ready to handle and be scared away from the enlightened path all together. Of course, this is not an absolute certainty if you were to try it, just a small possibility that it could happen.

You are in the process of facing your greatest fear. Don't be scared away by thinking you may go insane. Be grateful for this experience, I think you are doing wonderful ??

I always liked to listen to the podcasts while at work. A Leo video a day keeps the ego defense mechanisms away!

@Leo Gura when the student is ready, the master will appear thank you Leo.

Dagnabbit @Leo Gura you are at it again! that new video is exactly what I needed right now

So, it finally clicked for me. The fact that we are all the same energy, like apples that fall from the same tree. Everything in nature is this same energy too, at varied levels of consciousness. I was awakened to the fact that my body is basically just a machine, like Leo has said in his videos. For a long time, I had believed this was possibly true but never really felt or experienced it. I feel like this insight is huge and I am blown away by how much better I have felt for the past 2 days. Just months ago, I was in so much psychological pain I was putting a gun up to my head and turning the safety on and off, desperate to escape and feeling so confused. I feel like I’ve had glimpse of what it’s like to be truly happy, so what I fear now is losing this insight. I don’t want to go back to the way I was. I want to keep seeing myself in everyone, I love it. I believe some of the people on this forum must have had an experience like this. What did you do after this realization? How should I continue from here?

@Extreme Z7 thank you, I feel like I looked evil in the face and the evil was me. I'm still learning to let go of fear and accept that it's not that scary. I'm not that scary, just misunderstood. I feel like I have a better understanding of that now and it's helping me cope with the onslaught of emotions.