zenjen

In the end, you will figure out you are your own teacher. The master of your reality, for better or worse. I wouldn't say anyone else is directly responsible for waking someone else up. It is a combination of life experiences that will wake someone up. Everyone is on their own time to do so. That's why you keep it a secret, keep trying to plant seeds, and simply keep living your own reality. They will get there when they are ready and only then, and it won't be the direct cause of any teacher.

God is a word. All words are made up by people to reference to certain things. Words actually mean nothing, but we try to assign them some very limited reference or meaning in order to communicate effectively with others. Words are far from anything that is concrete. Question your attachment or resentment to certain words. Knowing this will get you closer to the truth (or God or insert whatever word you want here). It is a wordless something that can't be described, that is why I think it is so often misinterpreted and confused.

Nice work! @Amit

I believe God is

"I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer." - Jim Carrey Quite a popular quote, surprised it hasn't been mentioned yet. He's out here spreading some truth.

@Preetom has a nice explanation of this From my experience, the best place to start if you are having these types of thoughts is learning about/practicing loving and accepting yourself. The bigger concepts of enlightenment can be put on hold, they might not be beneficial to you until you focus on loving and accepting yourself. Intentially turn inward, learn about acceptance, then seek to fix what is happening there by questioning your beliefs about yourself. The external will follow, inner love comes first. Leo has some good videos on self-love & acceptance, try those out, listen and contemplate each day until you are ready for the next step.

@Leo Gura @The Monk Unfortunately, the stupid gun isn’t mine to sell, or else I would have got rid of it before that even happened. I know it is in a lock box now, but I have no clue where it is at the moment. I will heed your warning. I realize my psyche is still healing, so I am still being cautious in my actions as to not over-exert myself. My ego thought pattern is strong and I don’t expect it to go away too easily. Upon reflection, I think what happened was that I was able to really distance my self from my identity for the first time. Continually telling myself to “surrender to this moment” is helping to keep up my awareness for now. I have also been able to see the “point” of doing meditation more clearly, so more meditating is my first order of business.

@Nahm The gun is locked away now. I included that bit of information to emphasize how big of a deal this is to me and encourage others who are suffering to keep their faith alive. I will be sure to write out my insights in detail, Thank you for the kind words

@JannaBanana Thank you! I'm glad that I'm getting such a good response with the Bo Burnham reference. I think his shows are awesome. Even though I don't watch much stand up comedy I was blown away when I saw "Make Happy" because it was so unlike anything I've seen. I wasn't expecting it to be deep and make a point (and have catchy songs). I think that he was willing to be vulnerable helped a lot of people connect with his show. I wonder why some people are so uncomfortable with quiet people, too. Maybe they just don't understand and that frustrates them. But, it reflects issues with that person and not you or me. You can download the worksheet from Leo's video "Dropping The Roles You Play" here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLIwNF_JTJg&t=621s If you want to do the worksheet too, I can get back to you when I'm finished with mine & we can compare insights

I'd say if she is asking you to make the decision, that is her giving you permission to make the decision and you shouldn't think too much of it. You can just pick whatever you feel like. Or, you could try to ask her a closed-ended follow-up question first to see if that gets her closer to making a decision, like this: her: "What dress do you think I should I wear tonight?" you: "What dress do you feel more comfortable in?" her: "I feel most comfortable in this dress, I think" you: "Then I want you to wear this dress" or you: "Which bench would you like to sit at?" her: "I'm not sure, I can't decide" you: "Would you rather sit at a shaded bench or the one in the sun?" her: "I think in the shade, I'm feeling a bit warm" you: "Okay! Let's go sit there then"

I will treat this as part one of finishing this worksheet because these answers alone took me quite awhile to think through and I have other stuff to do today. If you are brave enough to read the whole thing I would appreciate any feedback. Part 1 – Dropping The Roles You Play – Worksheet: What are the top 3 roles you play? 1. The shy girl 2. The artist 3. The try-hard 4. The quirky/strange/outcast 5. The victim 6. Perfectionist I found this question as being tough to narrow down because I really have no idea of how others label me besides shy. I can only attest to the roles I think I’m trying to play. I think I come off very, very differently depending on the situation around others, so in a way, I play tons of roles. I’d like to be more authentic but I lack confidence in myself. In my own mind, I’m often playing the victim, but it’s not a role that I act out in front of others because I try to cover it up by acting cold. I chose the top 3 because I think they cause me the most problems, but I might come back and do the other 3 later. What are all the specific ways you act out each role? 1. The shy girl ­– I don’t speak up or say much, even if I want to. I sit quietly and do my work for a long time without bothering to interact with others. When people talk to me I often don’t have much to say. I don’t reveal much personal information in conversations. I don’t often initiate conversations. I wait until others initiate conversations (specifically with me) to start talking. I will go out of my way to avoid interaction with people. 2. The quirky/strange/outcast ­– Sometimes I purposely try to go against the grain and be different. I try to be unique. I will isolate myself rather than try to conform to a group where I am not totally comfortable. I am resistant to labeling myself. I do not want to be defined, pigeonholed, stereotyped, or put in a box by others. I have an aversion to the mainstream culture and mindsets (this has actually alleviated quite a bit over the years though, but that’s possibly because I don’t want to be defined as a “hipster” either). I want to be seen as special. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. 3. The victim ­– I blame situations and sometimes people for my negative emotions. I feel I have been wronged in life/by others. I feel as if I have terrible luck. I assume the worst possible outcome of every situation will be the most likely one to happen. My automatic reaction is to see the worst possible intentions in people. I feel powerless in a lot of situations. How did you acquire each role? What traumatic event(s) – if any – created the need for each role? 1. The shy girl ­– This one started extremely early on and I believe it came on initially as peers started labeling me that way. I remember a plenty of times when I didn’t think I was being shy and I was asked, “why don’t you ever talk?” “why are you so shy?” and those questions genuinely surprised me, and then they made me sad. It got me thinking about what is wrong with me. I thought I was just chilling, being content. I was unaware people assumed there is something wrong with me for not talking. I remember in the fourth grade, my mom had told me that my teacher was concerned that I wasn’t talking enough and interacting with the other kids. I reacted angrily to this, something like, “What?! She yells at the class all the time to stop talking! Now I did something wrong by not talking?! How do I win?” I thought it was outrageous and hypocritical that my teacher would say that. I was a sensitive and I didn’t want to be chastised in front of my peers by the teacher for talking. That happened to many other kids and sometimes the whole class on a near daily basis, so I just didn’t talk. A teacher in high school did the same thing and told my mom I’m not social enough at parent-teacher conferences, and I was pissed off for the same reason. You want me to be social in class and you literally yell and kick people out of class for talking, even whispering? Maybe it was part of me that had always been quiet (not actually shy, just quiet), and part of me that was trying hard to be a good girl and follow the rules to avoid criticism or embarrassment. 2. The quirky/strange/outcast ­– I think this one might have started when I heard kids at a young age making fun of people for having certain stereotypical behaviors and realized that virtually anyone could be stereotyped for any little reason. I didn’t want to be pigeonholed, so I went against any stereotype in any way I knew how. This led me to become a hipster and an outcast. At a younger age, early middle school, I purposely stopped sitting with the “popular kids” because I realized no one in that social circle really gave a shit about each other. They only cared about their status of hanging out with one or two of the very popular kids in particular. I thought, “If they actually care about me, they will come back or ask me why I left,” & they didn’t, so I never went back. The thing is, when I moved to sit with an unpopular/nerdy crowd I didn’t find much more of a connection there either (even though they were generally nicer kids). This is when I truly felt like a lone wolf or an outcast. I don’t think I have ever met someone else who willingly gave up popularity at such a young age, kids usually have the opposite problem of trying to climb the social ladder. If anyone else has a similar experience with this I’d love to hear about it. I adopted the thinking that popular = mean + competitive + shallow, self-absorbed narcissist bitch and I wanted to distance myself as far away as possible from that. In my early high school years, I took up quirky hobbies just to distance myself from the popular culture, which I thought was stupid and vain. I took up guitar, saxophone, long boarding, & listened to indie music, which went against the popular girl culture at my school (around 2010). Then the word “hipster” was popularized to describe this type of faux uniqueness, and I took a step back to re-evaluate whether the mainstream was actually evil & I found it wasn’t as inherently bad as I thought. I even enjoy listening to top 40 radio (wow!). I still have difficulty connecting with people though. I tend to feel like a misfit or an outcast, even when I am trying to fit in. ^ Basically me in high school 3. The victim ­– This mentality could have started with the way my mother treated me from the earliest times I can remember. Every time my fragile emotions were hurt as a child she would take my side and be there to say “poor baby”, hug me, & give me a lot of attention and sympathy. I love my mom, but this wasn’t an effective way to prepare me for the world. In reality, it might have been better that she just told me to suck it up and toughen up, or offer realistic advice, instead of being constantly sympathetic. When I was bullied, when I was abused, when I was fighting with friends or just sad for no reason she always had that same poor baby response to me. I loved it, I felt like it validated and justified my feelings. It was as if she was just as convinced the world was out to get me as I was.

@Mad Max the ego is useful for the evolutionary purpose of survival, but the situations @OhHiMark describes are no where near "life or death" significance. I think this article explains my own thoughts on defensiveness well: https://www.circleofa.org/library/articles/in-my-defenselessness-my-safety-liesletting-go-of-our-defenses-against-our-brothers/

I’ve put a lot of thought into this topic lately & I’ll try to explain why I think it is important with a story. My sister dated a guy for a few years when she was teenager and he ended up cheating on her and breaking her heart. He was her first love. Seven years later, she still says she will never forgive him and carries a lot of resentment. She created a vow that she would never date a guy like him again. Even though there was a time when they were happy, in love, and had a real connection. After that relationship ended, she has dated a lot of guys that she has no connection with, they don’t last for more than a few months, and she keeps getting her heart broken over and over again. So the point here is, what she’s really doing by not forgiving her ex is sabotaging herself and her future relationships. Not forgiving, in almost any situation, will lead to some kind of self-sabotage. Forgiveness can be difficult and it doesn’t usually happen overnight. In more serious situations, it is something you really need to work on. The advice I was given was to just keep praying for the person you do not want to forgive each night before you go to sleep. Pray that they find love/happiness/peace/all of the things that you want for yourself. Eventually, I think this helps with the resistance that you feel towards them. I like to remember this quote in regards to forgiving others: “When one forgives, two souls are set free”. I hope this helps.