zenjen

"God Is... Perhaps the closest way to describe 'God' is in paradoxes. It is everything and nothing at once. It is everything you can and can't perceive. It hides in plain sight. It is simple yet unfathomable. People then say "it is infinite being". Obviously, all these different words can cause more confusion, if you are too attached to the words." - From my journal entry in Make Happy

No self-respecting person actually cares if you are more enlightened than them or not. It does not make you a special snowflake in the least. Let your spiritual practice bring you joy, but understand it does not make you better than anyone else who practices something.

This changes based on the individual. The more of your spirit you put into something, the more spiritual the practice becomes. My most spiritual practices are drawing and designing things that I think are beautiful.

I have the same experience. I was never into porn, and I never even masturbated for a long time. I much prefer real intimacy over watching other people have sex, it just doesn't turn me on. I bought myself a vibrator and still don't watch porn, but I can still get off in my fantasy mind. Claim your sexuality for yourself, find out what you do and don't like. It's completely valid to not like porn and doesn't make you prude-ish in the least. <3

Why So Serious? "We need not worry for we are never broken beyond repair." So I noticed there's an epidemic on this forum of people taking themselves far too seriously. I myself am very guilty of this, some days I think my problems and shortcomings and proving my misfortune to others are some of the most important things I should be focusing energy on. I think sometimes we like to feel validated in this way. But, life isn't meant to be serious. There's literally nothing to do here but simply to live. So what if you never get to the root of your childhood issues, so what if your relationship with your family sucks, so what if you can't seem to ever finish anything you start. SO WHAT IF YOU BECOME ENLIGHTENED. Congrats, you spent half your life in solitude in an empty room, but hey, you do you. As Leo might say, stop your "should" statements and start living life for what it is, which is in the end just one big complex game that you will never be able to win or lose. The fact that there isn't a prize to be won, no real point in life, isn't depressing. It's uplifting if you look at it in the right context. You can create the meaning yourself or with people that you love. My life purpose wasn't thrust upon me in a single moment of clarity, I wrote it for myself and I continue to do so. In this process, I edit, revise, and move pieces around daily in order to maximize my fulfilment. You never stop learning, so your purpose should never stop changing. Let this inspire you and not scare the shit out of you.

Better Man So I went on a date yesterday with the guy I've been crushing on for a long time. He's almost like my twin, we see life the exact same way and seem to want the same things out of life. He seems to be almost effortlessly enlightened. The day was amazing, we waded and made out by the river by my house. He loves it out in the country where I live, he's never been. But, I couldn't help thinking about someone else who has been on my mind for a while too. Someone who I poured my heart out to and didn't want any part of it. Do I even deserve someone who likes me so much? Should I rip this off early like a band-aid? I'm not sure, maybe I'm just not ready for anything serious yet. But I know this guy I went out with likes me A LOT, and he's such a sweetheart. I've never felt this way before; torn between someone who wants me and someone who doesn't. Any advice would be appreciated.

MY MANS LEO CALLED HIMSELF OUT LOL!

Life Improvements Talking to and hanging out with friends again Getting into a regular nighttime and morning routine Working on a passion project Keeping my room nice and clean/organized Memory improvement Finding out what I like again, not what my partner liked Making to-do lists again Exercising regularly Promoted at work, getting attention from my manager for showing so much initiative Found a roommate for August Not responding to guys who are hitting on me just because they are giving me attention now that I'm single again Having an "if it's meant to be, it'll happen for me" attitude towards life Came to orgasm for the first time without anyone's help *NSFW Setbacks Started smoking cigarettes again, but I have faith that I can cut back and then quit Screwed up my sleep schedule last night by going to bed late

@Truth nowhere haha I’m just starting a new journal called “the alchemist” the “make happy” chapter is over

Hello, person who is reading this! As you may have already noticed, the title of this journal is named after Bo Burnham’s comedy special “Make Happy”. I watched it for the first time a few weeks ago and was oddly inspired by it. I really want to try to get happy, and that is primarily what my journey to self-actualization has been about. I started getting serious with self-help after a severe panic attack in February. For me, it was a personal record of hitting rock bottom. Since then, I have been spending more and more time seeking truth, learning about/trying to challenge my ego, and trying to love/forgive myself. Since childhood, I have been battling clinical, chronic depression. I often feel hopeless, lonely, and struggle with thoughts of suicide. I also have some social anxiety and issues with perfectionism. I have a long way to go. Still, I think I have been making (very) slow but steady progress with my inner work. I’m here for the same reasons as probably most of the others on this forum. Self-help and enlightenment are hard topics to seriously talk about with the people in my life. Many of the ideas that go along with these topics aren’t yet understood or even acceptable in the mainstream. Though I realize this life is mine alone to fight for, it is nice to have a support network and some guidance along the way. Maybe I’ll even be able to help others. This will be an all-purpose journal, but I will primarily try to post entries on the self-improvement and awareness exercises I’m doing. In documenting my ups and downs, I will be as brutally honest as possible. I, like most others, usually filter out the bad parts of my life online by omitting certain information. However, I will try to include the good, bad, ugly, tragic, and comedic in my own writing here as I try to “make happy” for myself. So, here we go. – zenjen

It is written I feel like it's finally time to close this chapter of my life. It's been one hell of a ride. Thanks to all who believe in me and continue to believe in me. My story is dedicated to you. You’re on your own from here, so are you happy?

@Truth yeah I love how concise it is. It’s the story of all of our lives, truly.

I've got a dream / Do you believe in Magic? I feel like I've found a new purpose in life. I'm just gonna leave this here.

@d0ornokey thanks, I will look into it

Disney Movies / Changing Ideals I didn’t know exactly why exactly my dream was to create children’s books or cartoons besides “I want to save the babies”. Now I remember the most traumatic event of my childhood happened when I was watching Cinderella, and I held on so tightly to the idea while it was happening that someday my Prince Charming was going to save me as I tried to ignore what was happening. Well, guess what? He never came when I needed him most. I’ve had multiple lovers throughout my life, sometimes more than one at once. I became codependent with each one of them. But, none of them could save me from myself. Kids need to have certain ideals in life, but ones that are totally dependent on relationships that save them are a bit dated. By understanding myself more, I think that I can solve this problem and help save future generations from destructive patterns and ideals that are ultimately disappointments.

You’re on point, you already know what you are. Time to accept it. Let this be your guide. <3

I’ve been living in such resistance to what is, every moment, it seems my every action is motivated by trying to push off an inevitable truth. I’m coming closer to understanding the enormous implications of what I’m doing. I feel like I’m being handed a knife and am now being told to stab myself in the heart. Not the psychical me, but my ego, the story and perception and emotions that have made Jenny for years and years. I feel split in three. There is the first Jenny, who I am actually quite attached to, the second Jenny who truly wants to change, and my highest self which is reality. I think my ego severely fractured when I started to hate myself and I basically ended up creating two. This has created an amazing amount of suffering but has actually served me well in getting closer to the truth in a relatively short time. “Kill her, do it now!” Reality cries out. It’s been trying to get me to do this all along. The second part of me responds in agreement. I feel like I’m ready. I really want to end her suffering. I want her to die. But then I take a good look at her. She’s not all that bad. And I’ve known her for so long I feel very attached to her. I love her in fact, so much that I would consider a life of suffering to keep her safe. “I love her. Please don’t make me do this. There has to be another way.” And deep down, I know there isn’t. But I haven’t accepted it yet. I haven’t accepted reality yet. So I guess the question is, how do you find the courage to surrender your ego when you’re at this point? What do you do when you’ve reached the edge of this cliff and are too afraid to jump into the void? Is there a person on here who can realate? Has anyone delivered the fatal blow to their ego?

@Jed Vassallo Here’s something I wrote down today that I think relates: “When you’re dreaming, do you think you’re the one who’s controlling it? Doesn’t everything seem so real when you’re in the dream? But then you wake up and say ‘that was a crazy dream, it felt so real!’ And go on with your day. When we have bad nightmares, the subconscious urge to wake up becomes stronger. Doesn’t it always seem in our nightmares we wake up abruptly when we are in danger or about to die? Life is a dream within a dream, just wake up!” Life looks literally like an absolute nightmare to those who commit suicide. After my first experience with enlightenment, I fell into psychosis and thought that I would actually physically die if I fell asleep. My ego backlashed HARD. I was so desperate I went to the hospital and I made them give me drugs just to make me fall asleep because I hadn’t slept in days, and of course I awoke in a psychiatric unit. I guess this is the weird metaphor, things are finally seem to be coming full circle for me.

@Jed Vassallo exactly!

Lol

Because god is nothing. *mind explodes*

@Morten @jjer94 @phoenix666 Thanks y’all ?? *internet hugs*

Suffering to End Suffering - The Lion and the Zebra By focusing all of my energy on eliminating all of the sadness and anger and hate in the world I failed to realize that maybe the world actually needs a little bit of it. Not only that, me trying to eliminate it is actually making it worse. We wouldn’t say to a lion “no, you need to stop feeding your babies because the Zebra suffers.” Then, if you’re ignorant, you might try to separate all of the lions from all of the zebras and say “There, all of the suffering for Zebras has ended. All suffering is over now!” but then all of the lions starve and die. Whoops. Time to hit the panic button! Internally, I was trying my hardest to separate the lions from the zebras in my mind and then wondering why I had just made everything 10x worse. It wasn’t my fault that I had tried to do this though, it was the result of a deep psychological wound that made me identify with suffering, that was made by someone else with a deep wound. To tell myself “it’s all going to be okay” was a tall order at that point. It is okay though, because my crusade was noble and driven purely by love. I just went about trying to get it all wrong.

And yes the initial post sounds a little silly because I have a giant ego. Sorry, everyone. Lol.

Update: I’ve been doing some inner work and healing for the last few days and am feeling much better right now. To share all that I’ve learned about myself would take too long but I’ll give you part of my conclusion... Life is a game, and I was obsessed with winning this game. Little did I know it was a game of chance, I have no real control over the outcome. I thought maybe if I just twist my hand or shake the dice a little differently I’ll get what I want, which is dumb and basically pointless. I just need to keep rolling the dice for fun without thinking there’s some prize to be won or lost. Everything is functioning beautifully and perfectly already without having to be controlled by me. The hardest pill for me to swallow: I have no control over my suffering or other people’s suffering. Even deeper, I will create it with my every action whether I like it or not. I feel the sadness of other people deeply because I’m very sensitive, and therefore I create it in myself and become very serious about the world. It’s something I still need to work through. I’m surprised so many people actually replied to this, thanks everyone!