Igor82

Day 7: 2/10 Ego backlash confirmed. I woke up without any motivation to do anything else than going back to sleep, even though I was relatively awake. Normally when I would feel like this a lot of cravings for PMO would hit me during the day, but laying in the bed I just ended up fantasizing about intimate sex with the blond chick and it got my dick hard, but actually, no urges or cravings arose. My mind just knows that PMO won't lead me anywhere other than regret and misery (really shown as I experience my social capacities, my confidence and purpose heavily suffering from the addiction) During my recent mild 5-MeO trip, I got in touch with how worthwhile it is to choose emptiness over an addiction even though the addiction will ultimately take everything away from somebody (all motivations, all pleasure etc). And now its much easier for me to abstain from perpetuating the addiction. These two factors make cravings or thoughts about PMO much less frequent and laughably less compelling. I need to get back on track for tomorrow, and to do this I need to strategize about taking proper action and what actions to take, because part of the reason for my motivations fading away is that I have too many directions to take (which is good)! That I can't align with any of them.

Day 5&6 1/10, 1/10 On day 5 I planned to go and practice athletics, but I woke up late and ended up instead plugging 15mgs of 5-MeO with little success due to improper administration. I had no thoughts of pmo that day whatsoever. Today (day 6) I still managed to wake up late, but I did my morning routine planning to go to the athletics and finally get my things in check... but the house closed earlier today, so I ended up going outside for a long run. I ran about 3km, and then I walked through the city oozing with confidence! You know when you are afraid of being socially awkward, and you have alot of self-awareness always trying not to do something wrong? Well, this was all gone! I felt like I could approach any girl or person (but none really caught my attention).. I was so confident that I proceeded to ask a couple for directions... across the street, somehow it worked! The most profound thing was that I danced in public. In the city, there is a small area were there is a public trampoline (in the ground), and I love visiting this trampoline and playing around on it, more like a workout. Butthis time, I danced on it, dacing to the music I was listening to through my headphones. I visualized flowing with the music itself, and I tried to connect with love and gratitude while dancing as well, and people were looking alot. About every person turned their head, but I didnt mind, because my mission on that trampoline was to express as much love as possible through my body while dancing. As I listened to the song “Paradise” by coldplay, my heart really filled up with love, there was no worries, I felt like a child, I danced, gesturing love however I could, jumping high in the sky, throwing my hand up there, hugging the air and covering my heart, you name it, I danced to the lyrics, I felt like I was giving a very tangiable message to the world, it was ver inspiring for me! At one instance, a family walked by, and their 2 young children could not stop staring at me out of curiosity, and even one of the wanted to approach me! Amd as I looked back at them, I felt soo much love that I just couldnt stop smiling. I gave the most lovley smile to that child for like 15 seconds as he walked by. It was very profound. I ended up dancing for at least 90 minutes and I will definently visit that trampoline again. I realise how neurotically I have been thinking about what I said I was gonna do the last post. Today, I didnt let these thoughts grasp me, I just let them all go and so I found a much more delightful connection with the moment, recognizing that these thoughts are just silly thoughts and not even attractive. The takeaway of today is that what I really should be working on is embodying as much love and play as possible in my life, and only then I can share it with other people, bringing success to my purpose and relationships. If I approach the blonde girl due to fear rather than from a standpoint of genuine love, it is doomed to fail. What a test.

I plugged 15mg's of the 5-MeO oxalate today, but it was a failure. I didn't plug it properly, and I suspect my bowells was not completely empty. I went lying on my back right after administration, rather than lying on my belly with the syringe still inserted... and all of this made it a weaker trip. I did trip, but it felt a little weaker than the trip I had with 10mg's, although this one was beneficial and I will try the proper method very soon. Ill go 16-17~mg's next time.. the setting today was just too perfect.

@Leo Gura @Serotoninluv @Enlightenment Thank you for the responses, the syringes have just arrived... It is time. I will plug 15mg's as soon as it gets appropriate, ill speak to you very very soon.

Day 4: 1/10 The urges got as demolished as they were yesterday, I woke up 9 am without much motivation to my schedule. I ingested about 75mg's of Modafinil and was ready to get productive, but I ended up spending the forenoon in an odd way. I had a very genius idea yesterday, and it is to implement a piano into the athletics house! To actually get a piano into the second floor where there is a public eating space (really large room). I started elaborating on this idea a lot, all the reasons for doing it, all the reasons for not doing it, how the conversations would go with the authority of the house, etc, and this idea got stuck until this morning, and I started visualizing about going in there and having this conversation. Now after considering many possibilities, im absolutely certain that it is gonna go through, im so damn confident in this idea that im ready to do very very much to get it done. I also visualized approaching the blonde chick! And through this visualization, I have regained my true sense of self-confidence. The reasons why I was very afraid to approach was that I thought it was gonna turn out badly, I wasn't certain that it was gonna go smoothly for me or the one im approaching, or for the surrounding people, I was also uncertain of my personality, my looks etc. I started visualizing having conversation with the blond girl, I started coming up with certain greetings, certain punchlines, certain things I would ask, and what I would do against resistance, for example: I walk up to the blonde girl and her trainer, and as im there, I say to the girl, ignoring the trainer: "Hello! You know, I really like you, no... I love you!(tongue in cheek) The way you sprint, the way you stretch, the way you jump the way you look -owh- you are a wonderful distraction... I may have developed some emotions towards you even though we have never talked before, and observing you here is very thrilling and inspiring... what is your name?" The trainer has a couple of options, either interferes with the conversation or stays quiet, I mean, what can he do? "This is completely inappropriate!" "Hey, being honest and open about my emotions is very healthy!", and so I would turn to the girl again and ask some more stuff... The purpose of this conversation would be that I get my message straight into her heart in a confident, friendly manner, subconsciously excusing her for maybe making her feel uncomfortable by staring at her kind-of seriously in the past.. and also the purpose is to set her up for a conversation in the future, maybe on the second floor where the piano resides. The thing was that im afraid of not doing it right and that I would attract pain and suffering through the interaction, maybe that she or somebody else would reject me. Now I realize that any rejection from other people can be welcomed and reasoned with, and rejections from her wouldn't really happen unless I fuck up completely, but getting my message through is all I want to do really, approaching her with my confidence and with my message&purpose will happen!! Getting rejected or accepted does not really matter at that point. Im not afraid for others to look at me weirdly, what of it? Im doing my thing in a confident manner, my mission is not persuaded by somebody looking weirdly at me, forget that. Now, what are the action steps, what is the plan? I will definitely get the piano in there, that is step no1, and if I see her, I will give her the biggest smile, letting her know, but if it's not appropriate, then I won't approach her (maybe because of fear). To get more comfortable with this, I will get out on the streets and have random conversations with women, starting with "Excuse me, you look very pretty today, you really do, I would like to get to know you". I did this in the past, but I stopped doing it, and I miss the confidence that I had now lost. The visualization has been really helpful in me regaining my confidence through pinpointing my fears and clarifying a purpose. I'll go to the athletics house tomorrow, and ill leave an update for you guys on what will happen. Fapping has never been as revolting as it is now, and Im on fire.

@TheAvatarState Ill stick to doing 5-MeO and very low doses of cannabis (for meditation) in the future, thanks for the reminder! Day 3: 1/10 Every urge got demolished, even though I felt out of touch with my motivations today, the last thing I wanted to do is fap. My reasons for fapping are becoming utterly weak. I snorted 10mg's of 5-MeO today, and during the peak (which was just a stronger surge of awareness), I felt totally disinterested in giving into any craving/thought of doing something. During the comedown, I observed the cravings/thoughts rather than engaging myself with them, and so I noticed how ridiculous they were, the thought of the blonde girl is just a thought, just a thought! And the cravings always seem to show the absolute best scenario, but they as well are only thoughts and certain sensations.. the key is to stay aware of that. I even touched my flaccid dick during the comedown (I was taking a piss), and I was aware of the sensations with no thoughts attached to it, and it didn't feel attractive at all! It felt weird. Normally it would make me hard, but that would be because of all the thoughts being attached to the sensations, but this time they were gone. Now I feel like I can much more easily make the choice of choosing awareness and emptiness over the addiction itself, as now, I much more intimately know what it feels like. I need to recollect my life though, I have been slacking off the last few days (with not waking up early and doing a schedule)

@Shin Haha:D Please send me that video, I have been looking for it.

A few days ago I tried snorting some 5-MeO, just a starting dose, 3mg then 3 more mg when I didn't feel the first dose (I didn't feel the second one either). Anything could happen you know, so about 3 hours before the dose, I got into the expectation that I would die and never come back, this was it, I would die (I did this for the sake of surrender). At one point I felt like I could throw myself of a bridge and that would be it, ofc there would be a lot of fear and maybe pain involved, "but who cares?" I was truly gonna die on that couch. After snorting, life felt a bit meaningless, but the morning after that I had this wonderful playfulness spawn within me as I strongly felt in touch with the present moment while having a sense that it's all meaningless. I was still doing stuff, but I knew that I was gonna die soon, and I found deep enjoyment in that. Im not at the point of being dependent on my life purpose, my mother is financially supporting me, but I am soon getting there. I feel like my life purpose is gonna kind of hinder my spiritual path. In the same way, I would never take 5-MeO if I would not be ready to die. Is my life purpose gonna hinder my spiritual path (or vice versa), or will they really combo and create the deep satisfaction I felt that morning? If this is possible, how can I approach my life purpose so that Im ready to die at any moment?

Day 2: 1/10 I had some cravings, but now my mind is just completely against the idea of even relapsing, every time I get a thought of touching my dick, the thought automatically gets replaced by the look of the blond girl as she ran by. I solved some self-confidence issues this morning, I previously thought of myself as being awkward and weird, taking peoples looks too personally. But the looks of other people actually has nothing to do with who I am, so I should not assume false things, people gaze at me like im a tall hippie weirdo, but that is only because im dancing in public, or im trying to make eye contact but my face looks so handsome and out of the ordinary that you have to look away in shock and revolt, and there im sitting taking all these things personally without realizing that these remarks have nothing to do with my personality. In my mind, I had a conversation with the blond chick, and it went pretty well! I explored my humor, I explored being humble and authentic, and I got in touch with the lost confidence and potential that lies in me. I know that NoNut will take me to this wonderful potential making me much more independent. If I would be streaking, I would be so confident that I would not even care about looks or about how hot a chick is, I would forget about that in the midst of my vigor, confidence, and purpose... but now I just find myself getting attached to things, especially the blonde chick. She has been on my mind for a long time... Okay, let's connect the dots: Today I have felt unusually connected to my purpose, but with the emotional reason (I assume) to "do it for the blond chick", as a picture of her come into my mind along with a strong sense of purpose. With a strong sense of purpose comes a strong motivation for Nofap. What if my mind is actually attached to the blond chick, but actually is pointing me to my purpose, in order for me to get the blonde chick!? But ultimately my purpose will make her insignificant, the constant thoughts of her will disappear, and my attachments will be released. In the end, the athletics and all of that is a very very good challenge. It's uncomfortable, its hard, but it sure grows me. Im shooting for accumulating the motivation to surrender my addiction into awareness itself, choosing awareness solely above the addiction. And getting motivated to do so is a tough staircase, but day by day, im getting there. Its hard, because I have to give up all my attachment in the end, to ultimately transcend the addiction, I must release my clinging of all the benefits that I may receive from staying abstaining my addiction as well as releasing the addiction itself into awareness itself. I have to let go of the blonde girl, while I see her 2 times/week

We are in need of Vikings... as the horny Arabs invade the land permeated by hot blonde chicks and weak males, man, we're dying out. Help! (Personally, I dont have any Swedish genes in me, im more like a Russian) Where do you find these rich, deep memes? You are hilarious!

@Sahil Pandit Holy shit, I wanna be the practical man! But its hard, so damn hard, but we're getting there.

Day 5&1: 6/10 & 2/10 I relapsed on day 5, it was inevitable. I snorted a starting dose of 5-MeO, but I didn't feel much from snorting 3mg, two times. After that I was very out of touch with my purpose, as it was my break day and I was letting go of my attachments because I knew that I would physically die (I had to think this way for the purpose of surrender for 5-MeO) After this, I smoked a moderate dose of weed, enough to make me hungry, so in this state of unawareness and lack of purpose, I went and experimented on how it would feel like fapping while high. Today was day 1 again. I had a very magical morning of being in the moment, almost like doing constant self-inquiry, and I went to the athletics house and did my training, it was empty in there and I had a lot of fun, but more people started coming. After I ate my lunch and meditated for a bit, the blond girl (my crush and my challenge) showed up. I decided to listen to some mellow music and watch all the people train as I sat on the second floor of the building, having a nice bird view of the whole thing. It was really beautiful, my eyes did water up. I had the idea that it would be useful for me to observe the blond girl doing her thing, so I can learn from it while trying something new. I ended up learning something new; Fapping makes me a whimp, it makes me more fearful with a stronger tendency to escape. Well, I ended up observing my biggest challenge, observing how she moved etc. I didn't mind if somebody would look at me while I sat there staring, but when she looked, oh boy. I tried to maintain eye contact as much as possible, but I got this strong feeling to escape. The worst came as I was on my way out of the building and saw her running a 100m towards my direction (although I was a story above her), and she decided to look back at me towards the end of the run, and I got this explosive emotional urge to just escape, it was not an uncomfortable feeling, it was not passionate either, it was something like never before, but it did make me walk out of the building with a smile of disbelief on my face, "how did that just happen? Am I really such a whimp? I do like observing poeple at the bus, and I don't really mind making eye contact, but this girl just shattered me" I intuit that if I would be streaking, I would have no problem approaching her, I intuit that all that fear would begone. This will keep haunting me every time I go and practice in that building. I have to conquer my fear, and my biggest fear would be approaching her. I mean, I only see her when she is actually in the middle of training, and approaching her like that would be a real test. And I still have this strong fear of approaching girls, especially really hot ones. I will, of course, keep working on my life purpose, but this challenge will still haunt me. Sooner or later I will strike the root issue, maybe I had some trauma, maybe its PMO, maybe its the scarcity mindset... but now I will come back with the strongest motivation for NeverNut, as I know that too many problems stem from PMO that I just can't tolerate anymore.

Amazing! Just amazing!

Day 4: 3/10 NoFap news: I didnt make a schedule today and I woke up a little late, I got caught up in having very valuable conversations with my mother about her relationship with a guy. We did some work together, but now as im writing this at midnight I have not even dont my Kriya yet. Im a little out of touch with the aliveness of my daily schedules, and this hit me as a reason for me to fantasize while sitting in the toilet, ”as an experiment” to see if It would be something special. The fantasizing wasnt that special, and it led up to me beginning to touch my dick, but I didnt edge, I didnt orgasm, but I touched the thing. Luckily I had stuff to do so I snapped out of it. Random insight: I feel like my higher self is starting to talk to me more. You know the voice that comes up when we are self-sabotaging, and it command you to do something? Like when you are about to eat junk food, it says to reach for the fruit, or when you are touching your dick, it says ”stop”, or when you are taking a comforting hot shower, it says ”switch to cold”. We tend though to immediately suppress this voice as it comes up, automatically disobeying it. It is a weak voice, it does not have the punch the the reward system has, but its there. I have started to obey this voice more and more, im hearing it. I feel like its connected to my purpose and tells me what to do to align myself again, and if I keep obeying the voice, I get into flow! This voice is very hard to obey, but at least listen to what it says. I feel like im starting to obey this voice more and more, and its really rewarding because it keeps telling me the right things to do.

I love you I know its hard, it's so damn hard, I have been right there, its all so incredibly difficult! I see me in you, the moments of struggle when it's difficult, you deserve a wet kiss on the forehead! Thank you for doing this, you are brave! I would give you the most loving hug if only I had the arms to reach you <3 @Shin

Day 3: 2/10 As easy as yesterday, just with slightly more sexual content. (Morning wood, more fantasy etc) I feel like my vision has improved, everything is so damn beautiful. You know when you watch a wall and think its white or something... now I can actually see that wall for what it is, like how all the colors are reflected, all the patterns and shit, I feel like im on some psychedelic. I don't know if it has anything to do with NoFap, but it's interesting. I was practicing athletics today, and this 10/10 blonde showed up again.. she is distractingly beautiful irl: After the session, I went through some emotions that came up during the training concerning that girl. I felt afraid to lose her. I have had success in visualizing infinite love by picturing her (or some other girl) every morning, and girls like her is a good reason why Im excited to go to the athletics house and get tested. But im approaching this with a scarcity mindset, this is why im afraid for her to stop showing up, and with the fear comes a need to approach her. I feel like I need to approach her, but the fear of doing so is very compelling because of my scarcity mindset. At home, I checked her Instagram page, and I immediately went on and judged her, and after checking her Instagram and getting a just a little idea of what's going on in her life, I felt liberated from this need of approaching her and clinging. Why?? What did I solve by judging? Well, I think this was a decisive moment of if I would approach her or not, by getting to know her a little more. If I would check her Instagram and see that she is meditating, eating healthily and doing the same stuff as I do, being that 0.01% of girls, then I would happily approach her the next time I saw her. The purpose would be too strong for me to repress it (getting to know such a person is highly valuable), but now as this is not the case, I feel like I don't need to approach her, because I feel like there is nothing she can give me that I am not capable of getting myself. And after checking Instagram, my mindset shifted and now I feel like I should just do my stuff, the attraction is still there, but im just liberated of the need to approach her, of being needy. But the problem is not solved. Im afraid of approaching. I need to work on this, but why approach? Im too committed to my life purpose than having to deal with committing to a relationship. Ofc, I do want to experience that Thao-style intimate nonejaculatory sex, but I really don't need it, and I'll have to abstain from it for now as I need to find my life purpose (which is my current LP) and align myself with it, before even considering a relationship. Other than that, the awesome feminine essence will keep empowering me through my athletics sessions, and It keeps reminding me of the importance of NeverNut. Its a testing chamber im entering 2 times a week that tests the strength of my masculine essence. And within these chambers, NeverNut will draw the fine line between me being a weak wimp or a superior man.

It was very hard for me to conceptually make sense of language during a trip, I listened to Leo while tripping on 200ug of LSD, and I got more caught up in the beauty of how his words sounded rather than what they meant, so it was very hard for me to make sense of what he said. If concepts would get me where I intended to go when taking the LSD, I would already be enlightened long time ago. The power of concepts themselves are worthless, but they can be very valuable pointers. Concepts won't directly take you anywhere in preparation for a trip, ofc they can tell you what to do during a trip, but forget grasping the concepts in the middle of a trip. The consciousness of a trip is way beyond concepts. @Beeflamb

Never give up on your deepest intentions

Is this experience comparable to a cold shower? Edit: If it's not, I may have to implement prayer, hoping for God to be merciful and kill me quickly

Day 2: 1/10 Literally no cravings. The only thing I did was visualizing approaching that 10/10 blonde leading up to me briefly visualizing intimate sex with her. It has been a month since I started this journal, and I have been growing very rapidly, I do not know where im gonna be in a month, I have 5-MeO on the way, im implementing my schedule... A month has colossal potential. Today I have been working really hard, I did consume some Modafinil, and this stuff works its magic, so I can't specifically credit NoFap for my current work ethic, but what I know is that being on track with a purpose is the best one can do when trying to abstain from PMO. Finding a purpose and staying on track with it counteracts the main problem of PMO which is the concealment of your purpose, making it irrelevant enough that you will pursue porn instead. If I can really get in touch with my purpose, NoFap becomes effortless, and I can enjoy my masculine essence. All that's left is enhancing it, and now im ready to let go of PMO. I just know that en ego backlash will come rolling down on me like a boulder down a staircase. I hope I can handle it, I will wake up 8 AM regardless, so let's see if this waking up early keeps me safe. I will have to take a break day on Sunday (Im doing schedules until Sunday) or If I don't, I won't be able to do anything that day, or even the next due to a backlashing burnout. I really hope this works.

@Emerald Thank you for the long post, I read it all and now I've learned something new.

@Sahil Pandit @BjarkeT Personally, If I don't run, my life sucks, because I have built up such a lifestyle that I have to run to sustain it. I do like running because eventually, it becomes more effortless, but some days its cold as shit, somedays you will fall into some mud, somedays you have a broken leg. But if I am too wimpy to handle a fall into some mud, then my life will suffer for it. I must fall into the mud, I love falling into the mud.

Day 1: 1/10 I am sticking to waking up 8 am, im gonna do that every day no matter what. Things are changing. I was doing athletics today, my trainer was busy with other students who pay him, so he could not train me today, and I had the task to do 3x60 meters of hurdles. It did work, after about 2 hours of figuring it out by myself. I Used visualization very extensively, I visualized more than I actually moved, and I was very creative in making it work perfectly. Now, I was very focused on my purpose with the practice, I now have the mindset that by being on track with my purpose I won't desire PMO. Although, I did notice how much potential has been removed from my life by me jerking off. There was another 10/10 elite blond athlete there, really my type, really hot. I didn't distract myself too much, but I got this feeling that I needed something from her, or this feeling that I would miss her is she suddenly went away. That I need to do something with her. What does this mean? Well, what I specifically wanted to do with her is to give her love, but also experience more love in my life, and me wanting to kind of make a relationship with her was to fulfill that need. The catch is though that im working so hard with my purpose in life (which is to find my purpose), and in gradually getting there, but I feel like im lacking that. I went home very tired after 4 long hours of athletics, but I managed to summon the balls to take a cold shower and surrender into it. And this cold shower really gave me some insights. As I got in touch with pushing through fear, I felt liberated from being engaged and controlled by suffering in my life. I am suffering "by not experiencing enough love", I am thus also suffering from being shy, etc. Ofc, I could have these fears and needs, any man could have them, but what constitutes the masculine essence is to not be hinged by suffering, If I have fear, I push through! If im uncomfortable, I push through! The masculine essence does not give a shit about hinders in life, all it cares about is somehow fulfilling a purpose. And here is where noFap comes in. PMO kills your masculine essence (especially porn) because it hooks you to it. For you to get hooked to porn and masturbation, you must subconsciously prioritize it, which entail that whatever purpose you have in your life that would be a threat to the addiction now has to be suppressed and forgotten, making PMO your no1 purpose in life, and now if you don't have a strong enough purpose, there is no reason for you to push through suffering, and you will become a wimp, only pursuing the comfort zone. And ofc, spilling your milk comes with alot of other downsides.. Wasting your sexual energy that could have been channeled into your purpose, which would perpetuate the strenght of your masculine essence and living on the edge. My purpose would shine strong, and I would be ready to push through any suffering I would have much more energy and confidence I would be much more happy and loving I would have a clear mind free of cravings and thoughts, free of fear, suffering and boredom. I want all these stuff^ and the more I fap, the less I would enjoy these. Fapping would not make me hit rock bottom, right now is as worse as it gets (for me), so im just looking up towards a staircase leading to heaven.

The vendor usually ships within 1 month and now it has been 2 weeks since me purchasing it. When the substance will arrive, I will plug a threshold dose as soon as I have space and time to do so (probably 2 hours of loneliness). If all goes well, I will probably write my first report in about 2-3 weeks. .

The effects: Duration: 15-16 hours The substance made me not able to form a clear sentence in my head, all the stuff I did during the trip was from intuition, and pictures in my mind, like a strong sense of pressure in my belly and a picture in my mind to pee, or thoughts of being heated up and an urge to sweat (to cool myself down) I saw very intricate colorful patterns which melted into each other and morphed into each other in a very beautiful way. Because of all colors and all wired sensations, it was very easy for me to find a sense of unity within all my senses, much more like a sensory bubble. My monkey mind disappeared almost completely during the trip and it felt like the visuals that I experienced kept it silent. It felt like the constant visuals left me with a constant sense of being in the now. My emotions get distorted, at one point I knew I felt love for the world, but the love felt different, more like the kind of "love" you feel when you are horny, a more pleasurable kind of love. I could clearly see all the connections, interconnections and baggage of thoughts that came with an object I was looking at, it was represented as a synergy of the visuals, pictures in my mind and intuition. I could see much more possibilities. My digestive system got severely slowed down to the point of not filtering away water from my body fast enough and when I tried to crap, a heavily constipated ball of fiber came out. Music synergized with all my sensations thus sounded heavenly good, it got so synergized that at one point I could not tell the difference between my audible sensations and the visuals. Cravings (for masturbation) got so intensified to the point of enjoyment and satisfaction. Side effects: During the comedown it was very hard for me to find comfort, mainly because I could not trust the weird sensations in my body. The substance made "me" feel very fragile, I felt no security from all these sensations and visions in my mind and I felt like they could have killed me. The next day I had a loss middle-term memory of what I even did the last few days, and all of my daily tasks felt foreign. Report: I took the substance at 9:25, 2018-12-27 on an empty stomach with all preparations made properly, I felt excited and good for the trip ahead of me. The weather was also in my favor. As I started to feel the effects an see some colors, I decided to lay down in my bed and observe, I laid with my eyes closed waiting for an ego death or something, observing the effects and getting lost in the CEV. After a while of doing that, I sat up and started to explore this high, I asked some questions which I didn't get an answer from in return, and I observed the visuals. After I sat up, I attempted several times to make sense of reality, but it didn't work. 12:46 I saw the iPad and got the idea that I need to share this to my future self in fear that I will forget, so I picked it up, started recording, and then I put the Ipad away to further observe reality, but as long as the Ipad was recording, I assigned myself the mission to give a proper message to the future me, and I rushed to try to grasp what was happening to me using language. I made several attempts to make sense of certain concepts that I had in my mind which I also had the prior expectation that they would help me or point me to the right way, but that didn't work out due to lack of language in my mind, reality just made me laugh instead of answering my question. The visuals constantly entertained me. I had certain expectations of the trip I was trying to fulfill during the trip, I started to answer questions, but I worried that I would not be able to fulfill upon the expectation that I would ego death. I asked questions like "Is this god?" but based upon prior models of what god is, like that I believed that it was happening right in front of me. I basically constantly distracted myself from sitting down and observing. It was impossible for me to grasp what was happening, partially because what I used to grasp reality (language) has been crippled. I was constantly baffled from all these interconnections that were presented in my mind from any concept that I brought up, the visuals were interconnecting with the senses which were showing me concepts in a weird way, it made it very hard to explain. 13:15 I picked up my phone and started listening to Leo's "What is love?", during my listening to it, I got intimate with the struggle that Leo went through to try to explain these concepts because how I experienced reality ascended concepts and conceptual pointers. I started forgetting how I got to this state in the first place. My memories of how I got there became irrelevant Many things that Leo mentioned in "What is love", like disease and evil got clear to me that these distinctions and self-made, evil is nothing more than a bunch of concepts, sensations, and colors. Every concept that came up into my mind didn't make sense to me, in this way I got fascinated by the concept, and I laughed like they were jokes. Rather than understanding the concepts, I got fascinated and entertained by thinking about them. Reality was very fascinating and beautiful at this point. I seemed to love watching my face in the camera of the iPad. ~14:00 I began listening to the song "Paradise" by Coldplay, this is one of my favorite songs and as I listened to it all of reality "resonated" with the music. It was the most beautiful thing which made me lay down and cry during all of it. After that song, another mellow song started to play, and this one was very slow but still very beautiful, and so I decided to try jerking off (with success).. This combined with the music and the LSD (without any negative thoughts involved) was as sugar-coated reality has ever been in my life, but it was not fulfilling, it was very very pleasurable and fun, but it was not fulfilling by any means. 15:08 I started getting just a little soberer and so I started to film higher quality videos where I tried to explain a clear message to the camera with it now properly positioned to capture my face. I did a little Mukbang of eating dates. 15:44 This was the time stamp of the last video I filmed, where I started giving up on the quest of mental masturbation. I got a little depressed as I realized I was coming down and didn't even have a single epiphany. I filmed several videos to "keep me from forgetting", but I had to delete several of them because I didn't have enough memory space on the Ipad. 16:25 About 6 hours into the trip, I thought that the peak was over and I was supposed to integrate the experience, so I assigned this purpose to myself (unable to fulfill it due to not being able to form language in my mind) and walked around trying to do something while being very handicapped to do so. I started walking around in the home trying to be productive, like cleaning up the mess in my room, eating and writing down something to remember into my commonplace book. I also actually tried intentionally surrendering and letting go into reality, but nothing big came from that. I tried writing in my commonplace book, I essentially concluded that I didn't get the breakthrough I was seeking and that 5-MEO would be the most direct way to do it. I wrote that I should not be too tense when doing stuff, because at this point I was very exhausted from the trip, and I could relate that exhaustion to how I feel when going through the motions of my life, working hard. I saw very clearly how all I do in life was assigned to a certain purpose. I reacted against it because I could not resonate with why I did that. I wrote that im never open to the joy and beauty of reality because of im always in the motions. "What would be perfect is to have this awareness but still being able to be on track with my purpose!" The LSD crippled my ability to do stuff and fulfill what I wanted, and this made me feel blue. I was never able to let go in the trip because of a voice in my head telling me to do stuff like "eat", "drink water", "move your foot", "answer this question" etc. "What the trip boils down to It only matters how long im in the now just basking and surrendering into the beauty of the substance, the rest is just me trying to fulfill on that purpose... Sometimes you just get too caught up in the motions though, not able to just enjoy being for what it is." "Im trying to write a trip report while tripping, and by doing so, I distract myself from reality. I just distract myself. It's so sad... Im just constantly trying to draw a conclusion of what is happening and of the trip while im tripping! Distraction." After this, I accepted that I was coming down, and I tried to make the most of it. I was very exhausted and the trip really just didn't seem as beautiful as it was a few hours ago. I felt guilty that I masturbated, but that guilt also showed me how much im suppressing that part of me that wants to masturbate, it felt uncomfortable and not beneficial at that moment. I wanted to make something productive, I tried to fulfill upon the purpose I assigned myself of trying to have an ego death and recording my experience by doing mental masturbation. When that didn't work I tried seeking the fulfillment of being on track by cleaning up my mess, eating, drinking water, and making the most of what was left of the trip, watching myself in the mirror, actually sitting down and observing reality etc. When the evening started to settle in (past 18:30) I was very exhausted and was just enduring the trip, trying to feel comfortable while waiting for the trip to end. I watched comedy on the iPad, brushed my teeth and finally went to bed at around 19:00 but this was not the end, I would lay there awake for the next 6 hours. I laid in bed with my urine jar and water bottles beside it. I drank water to not get dehydrated, I had my urine jar beside me if I wanted to pee, I was ready to sleep at any moment, but I couldn't, the room was dark, window was slightly open for ventilation and this was all I needed, so I just laid in bed waiting for the substance to wear of and me laying in that bed was what I should have done from the very beginning of the trip! Not all that mental masturbation I did earlier. I realized that I had all I needed in that bed without all the distractions, I could fully focus on the trip! But in my exhaustion I had a hard time finding comfort, and I was in a survival mode, I felt like my survival hinged on me falling asleep, my exhaustion became a bit painful and the lingering physical effects of the LSD was uncomfortable, I didn't feel bored, as long as I survived, I just felt good. I was clinging to what kept me alive, the comfort, the water, the ventilation. I didn't know when the substance was gonna wear off and that made me a little afraid because I was experiencing this discomfort and all these disturbing thoughts, although I managed to always push through. I felt in control, I was wasn't bored, and as long as I survived, I felt good, and I got comfortable observing. When I needed to pee, I pissed in the jar, drank some water because of my dry mouth, and went to lie down feeling better. In the bed I was not sure If I was freezing or overheating, so one of the major components of me feeling comfortable was keeping the balance of temperature using my blanket. In bed I enjoyed being with the substance, I was in a constant meditative state (which didn't go deeper by any means). I repeated the process of going to pee, drinking water, occasionally emptying the jar in the toilet and going to back to bed at least 10 times (I went to the toilet 3 times). I drank 3 liters of water. I fulfilled my purpose at that moment, and as the hours passed I got more and more tired. I just felt very still and neutral, it was in fact very pleasant, I had not worried as long as my survival methods worked, and they did. At this point, I felt a strong sense of gratefulness of being alive, of being able to do all these stuff when in my sober life. I saw the importance of taking care of my body, and the importance of staying aware. I felt strong gratefulness for that my body will bring me back into everyday life, and I sense a strong appreciation for my daily life, always being on track with a purpose and always doing something on track with that while trying to improve myself day by day. I concluded the trip as very beneficial and not bad at all, but there were many things I would have done better. I finally fell asleep about 1 am, and I woke up 10 am feeling refreshed, a little blue and with no motivations. Valuable insights: Proper set and setting are very important, at least during the comedown you have a hard time feeling secure and comfortable, so only the little things can spawn fear in you, and fear arose mostly when I had a certain picture in your mind associated with it. When I tried to lay down and go deeper, certain disturbing scenarios started playing in my mind, mainly being decapitated, and from that fear arose, I can see how bad trips are made, because on LSD we feel very insecure and very fragile, not much can put us into survival mode and spawn fearful thoughts and emotions. I asked myself what is the purpose of life, and I got the answer of what has always been there in my life: Action, rhythm, awareness and the substance of reality. My happiness comes from me being on track with my purpose rather than feeling distracted from it. How will my behavior change? In the future, I will trip without distractions and expectations, with the purpose of observing reality rather than trying to get my answers through engagement. I will focus on doing the proper actions in life and being on track with my purpose and not suppressing any of my authentic desires, rather im gonna be fulfilling them through my purpose and actions. I will take care of my body because it is that has superior accountability in what and how I feel in life. Experiment with substances that has shorter durations than 16 hours. I will plan out to leave at least the first 4 hours the next day for integration the next time im planning to trip on acid. I will embrace with awareness the parts of me counterproductively suppressing (mainly my addictions). I will trust myself that I will remember a trip after the trip is over, so I don't feel the need to record it during the trip. Conclusion: The peak was a profoundly beautiful experience while the comedown was a harsh, exhausting and difficult experience. This was a very beneficial trip for me with a lot of valuable experiences, I didn't fulfill on my expectation and purpose that I assigned on this trip. To fulfill that purpose of having a breakthrough, I shall experiment with 5-MEO. Me attempting to have an ego death was the mistake I made, and I got too distracted with mental masturbation (which was nice) but left me disappointed. This experience has presented me the beauty of LSD and has left me with a lot of new valuable experiences that I had to go through, and a new found respect for the substance. Yes, the trip showed me what I needed to see, and I will keep that in mind till next time.