Igor82

Hello guys, I need your help with a relationship. I'm confused. This is a long post but I'm writing this so you might read this and be able to give me some good advice. Short about me: I am 17 years old, been on this path for 3 years full time, taking a break from school. Meditation every day, getting rid of addictions, working on life purpose & self-love. I'm currently studying at home in high school in Sweden. How the relationship started: It all started about 6 months ago, I met this girl and we had a special connection She is 30 years old, I'm 17... We had met once before and we clicked, and now we met once again 6 months ago at a stage green hippie indoor event. Before I met her, I had been in a needy place, looking for girls as a way to distract myself, realizing my mistakes and trying to get onto the path again. But after this event, she invited me to her place which is about 100km's away from my home, she lives alone in this house and we clicked enough to have sex, and after that, I couldn't get her out of my mind. I was new to this, so I didn't place any boundaries on myself, but after we had sex the first time, as I laid there in bed with her, I kind of got sad and depressed, I don't know why. She is a yoga teacher, she has tripped on LSD a lot of times (mostly on festivals) she claims to have has several ego-death experiences, she has traveled the world, meditated for 7 years, done a lot of yoga, and now she has this wonderful yoga studio. She is full of love, she is quite happy, but not enlightened. Some traumas, being anorexic in her childhood, her father died when she was 11~ (suicide) and she didn't have a good relationship with her mom. She moved out when she was 16, independent from that point, to travel the world. Problems (Prelude): Basically, I thought about her all the time and I forgot about myself. I couldn't place boundaries on what I really wanted to do, and I used the relationship as a distraction and I enjoyed it. All moments with her was amazing, we clicked amazingly, it felt like we were going somewhere, ever deeper into our true selves, our emotions, etc. I really liked being able to get to know her more, being honest with her about my emotions, etc. But problems started arising as soon as I expressed my raw emotions to her, and that expressing those hurt her. Sometimes when I try to express my emotions, when I go into this process of just getting insights about my emotions, telling those insights to her without thinking, something with that really triggers her. It feels like I can't express my emotions to her! Like, being radically honest about my emotions in that very moment - wherever they come from, be it my traumas or something, it feels like she can't fully accept that from me, because it insults her, sometimes when I feel this bad emotion I just want to talk it out and I cant listen to her (its as if I have an unresolved trauma which I gotta get out of myself). She had many things she perceived in me that she glossed over, that was the thing that made her stay, maybe also the great sex. ------- Problems (Main): So, after like 2 months, she just wanted to push me away. We took a break for a couple of weeks, she had a dream about me, I wrote to her about how much I loved her, and so we got together again. 2 more months, I wrote an email to her that was based on stuff I fabricated out of my mind about who she is and why she does some things she does. She didnt like that. We had some phone calls where she really reflected upon me where all of this came from, and I just saw how much I have used her as a distraction. We took a break, more like a breakup, to love ourselves. These were a couple of really productive months for me and I feel more independent from that, I wrote many more things to her, but she was in her mindset that she is not gonna be with me. Then she took some LSD in the woods, and calls me a couple of days before the day we would meet - where I would get my stuff back and it would be over -, That she admits that there has been a lot of things within her that she didnt want to deal with that caused her to look away from me. I went to her place that weekend, and it was extraordinary. No sex. Now, we had a phone call where she hinted that she cant really invalidate all the strong feelings she have had about us not being together, that it is nice but that she cant give me any promises "so that we might get hurt". We talked on, and from being happy and having a nice day, I was overwhelmed with this same feeling of dread and sadness, as if I had some unresolved trauma just knocking at my insides, I dont know where this came from, but as soon as I tried being honest about my emotions, just being in the process or expressing everything that came by, I said something that insulted her, she got frustrated, it feels like this triggered the same stuff about how we dont click, as if her whole mindset about the relationship hinged on that very insult. What I feel (now after having talked to my mother): I do have my flaws, I probably have some emotions I have not dealt with, but it feels like she cant respect this. As if she wants to have only my good sides, and not myh bad sides. It feels like she has some ideal in her head about how a right man for her should be, she has mentioned how she just wants one who looks up to her. When my pain body comes along, it feels like it triggers her pain body which I assume is the source of her "Ideals", and as soon as try to go deeper into emotions and radical honesty, it doenst go well. I Have not given up on her because I can see how sweet it is on the other side if we just work sorting through our traumas and getting to know eachother much more. But it feels like the pattern will keep repeating itself, the triggers come back, I mean, who would wanna look at their traumas? It feels like she sweeps them under the rug. I also do this to a certain extent. But this is my first relationship, I just want to know more, learn more, go deeper, take those hits, learn the lessons, work on myself. But I cant be with her if I cannot express myself unconditionally and not be respected for that. My mother, she told me that it seems like she doesn't want to commit but because im 17 and I wanna go deep and all, she is too afraid to say no. Who am I to say no when this is my first relationship when I can see how sweet it can become? Who am I to say no when I have learned so much, when I have so much love to give? Read this: I just want to grow with her, be radically honest with her, getting to know her, celebrating life, and passion with her. But this rocky path we have in our relationship right now takes some introspection from both sides. I have this pain body, she has this pain body. I don't know if she is willing to go through this. We can live together if we are willing to make it work, but it takes some work. Please wake me up with something! I have no reference experience, I feel like I don't know anything other than my emotions. Help me. It feels like there is an elephant in the room which I'm not seeing.

@Preety_India Thank you so much for your reply. Its so helpful! Here is some more: You're right. It's obvious that she doesn't want to commit. She was the one wanting to make a breakup and she had a lot of strong emotions for why it should be that way; Right now, im in my pain body, im not normally this way, but this is what Ill write from this perspective about how I think about the relationship and how its probably hurting her, i'd like some more of your honesty: I have this habit of telling her my negative emotions, such a jealousy, why im jealous, why im angry, why I feel guilt. She has called me selfish because I am quite selfish. Honestly, I really care about how good I can feel in the relationship, and im not too interested in trying to figure out what makes her feel good such as asking her what she needs, how she feels. Its as if im using her as a therapist for my own benefit, for my own emotional well being, throwing all of my shit out and she gets nothing, im wasting her time on something I should deal with on my own (this is when I talk to her by the phone, but a little bit when we are together) When we are together, im all in on trying to get to know her, loving her through the love languages and such. Its such a joy making her feel good! But a part of me is jealous of her, that she is so smart, strong, loving, happy, while here I am feeling like im forgetting about myself. I have hurt her by thinking of her in a certain way based on me trying to defend my jealousy, I wrote emails of "tips on how she could improve her yoga studio" based on assumptions that she didn't know what she was doing. And as I used her as a way to distract myself, as a way to stay afraid, I had to see her as being inferior to me, because she is living her passion, and here I am prioritizing sex over my life. Today I feel really like this, like I dont want to do anything for myself, maybe a backlash. Im not always like this, nowadays once a week, but she has seen too much of me being like this. And this part of me will hurt her like this until its last breath, so I can admit that I have been working on myself like this with the intention of keeping her. If I leave her, I feel like this part of myself wont survive, so I cling on in a wicked way. Im hurt by her as she could just drop me like a hot coal. This hurt me very much. We took that break and she just repelled me like a hot rock. I don't feel like she loves me, but maybe I am that piece of hot coal. I mean, she have told me that "when I find the right one, i'd be surprised of how good it can get", she has clearly even told me what you say, that she is afraid to commit and doesn't want to hurt me, but that I'm so nice. She has clearly told me that we will keep hurting each other in the long run, and I know I will keep hurting her if I keep using her as a distraction. But you know, she is really good. I dont want to leave her because who am I gonna leave her for? ... <- Wow, holy shit. Im a devil. I think she has a big problem with me being this selfish. But I also know that with another, we would have to start this process all over again. And I know that in the very very end, all of this melts away, but for what? What does she get? What does she get? Good sex? I dont even know what she clearly wants, im ashamed. I feel deep down inside that love will prevail, but I have so much ego to work through, you tell me. And so I commit to this so that I can learn how to love more and be less selfish, but this in of itself is the selfishness. To actually love in this case would be to let her go, because im hurting her so much. She has told me that she has gone through all of this, that she doesn't suffer anymore but is living a happy & passionate life, she is seeking someone who does this with her. And a big part of me resists that, and this part of me repells her. Because she doesnt want me to pull her down like how I described I do. I feel confused, lost, uncertain, right now, I dont love myself. Maybe the elephant in the room is that love is not achieved through the relationship, because I fear self-love, and I turn to her to get it the easy way. Maybe this is why im so depressed. But this is why I want to do the therapy stuff, to make it more "selfless", but that just sounds wrong... Im using her because im afraid of loving myself for real, as staying in this relationship feels of no value to me other than learning to love someone else unconditionally, but even that feels like a distraction. I think she loves herself too much to keep being with me while I dont love myself and spew that onto her. I would want to figure out a way we can keep going somehow where its actually about self-love. Give me your best advice Preety <3

@Roy Thank you for that. Interesting about how she is attracted to younger folks because she maybe hasn't grown up, I don't know. On the surface, it seems like she is really mature, but I'm starting to feel like its a facade that she is trying to keep solid. The emotions I try to express with her is more like the stuff I would like to express to a therapist, just like @Username says, I'm sometimes this depressive and sad kind of person. These spells come out of nowhere nowadays, without any reason, as if some creature within me is not dealt with: My insults: When I am in this state, I'm very insensitive, I just want to get everything out of me. It became as bad as this: We laid in bed, just had sex, I was thinking about porn images to get turned on as my erection was a little bit weak. I expressed it to her without thinking too much about how it sounded: "If you would be a 10/10, I would probably have had a better erection than I have now". She started crying, she perceived my words as if her body was the problem. She wanted me to be honest about what specific things I wanted to change with her body, and so I said the thoughts that came up, I pointed at her chin, at her belly. But as I laid there, trying to figure out where my words came from, she helped me realize that they come from my lack of love from myself, and so I started crying for half an hour, just pouring out of me how I manipulated her, how I put a mask on myself, why I did this, that I was afraid to be myself, afraid of losing her, etc. But being honest like this didn't seem to help. She couldn't sleep days after that and didn't want to be with me. I'm quite aware of where all of this came from, lack of self-love from both sides, triggering her traumas maybe. Because I have not experienced being insulted like this myself, is this alone a relationship killer? Is this beyond repair? I have done a visualization of this, imagining me being her in that scenario, and of course, I would get hurt. Right now, all of this is gone, I perceive her body as perfect in its own way. The latest insult I told her was when we were talking on the phone and I was in this mode of trying to figure out where this sadness came from, that I didn't really listen to her, and I said: Compared to insights I get and thoughts about my emotion I find that what you said was a bit uninteresting. I was being honest. It really triggered her, now the phone call was not worth her time, she doesn't want to be my therapist, why should she listen to my insults when I don't even listen to her, etc. --- My honest conclusion: I feel like it won't work unless we get to the root of where our issues come from. Solve our traumas. And this is my intention with her, and I don't think this is her intention with me. I mean, she has her business to take care of, her structures can't take all of these hits. I know that it looks very sweet if our shit is handled and the triggers begone, we are quite similar in a sense. Every time I meet her, love & self-introspection is the theme, but It won't work out in the long run without any change, I just hope she is willing to do this with me. We won't really put a ring on our fingers and say a prayer and be together forever, what determines our separation is how emotionally difficult it becomes, but I know that all the value is there! All the gold is there. It feels like she is too rigid and doesn't want to open herself up to this, and this maintains all the suffering. We both will have to be each other's therapists for a while, and I don't know if she wants that, because it's hard, but this is my commitment: I won't let fear of love be the thing that makes me run away, it's untenable for me to project onto her that she is the problem and then push her away. So I will stay and see what she thinks, we both going along this path interdependently, as its enough for this chapter of the book. I'm super excited to solve the shit within me, what if I solve this sadness. Ultimatum: I feel like I want to stay, do my best, but keep my boundaries on my honesty, willing to know myself. But if she can't tolerate this, ill let her tap out. My commitment is love over fear, that's why I'm staying with her. But there is a nagging feeling that my honesty with my emotions is hurting her a lot. I think it's smart if I get to work with solving my traumas immediately to stop the hurt and all. --- You guys with experience, please tell me what I'm not seeing. How would a good relationship look like? I would like to hear the things that I don't want to hear. But I admit that I'm lazy, I'm not going out and searching for the solutions effectively myself.

@Artaemis I think ambient music is made to celebrate the emotional beauty of the now, its somehow made to combine with the state of calm behind everything. I also Love ambient! Any recommendations?

I want to start a discussion on this, I know there are some musicians on here who could share their perspective on this, but I would like to hear any thoughts from anyone! ? I am a musician and I got some few interesting points we can ponder over: What about the ASMR effect? Can we make music that can trigger our energies like this, but for consciousness? What about the trance state? When we merge with the music, most popular with Psytrance & Psychedelics What about binarual beats? What about 3D soundscape? What about the chakras? Can we somehow integrate all of these factors into music? I would love to hear your thoughts! I got an interesting model: simply, the chakras. And that we can, through indentifying how music connects to the chakras, know how we can raise consciousness with music, or know what song will become a hit or not (if we translate music into chakras and then into spiral dynamics) but ill post more on that later! ❤️

Great post! Thank you. Im sitting around here having postponed my 5-meo breakthrough for like a year now. But can justify to myself that I have laid some more groundwork, worked through some stuff, but I can use that as an excuse to say "So why not wait for the right moment?" "Lets wait some more". Shit... SHIT! I know I'm ready to surrender. This... will kill me

I think this is my life purpose. Man, ive been sitting with the life purpose course, but the level of passion I feel right now really points to something :DDD, if I'm gonna work my whole life on something, it will be to induce enlightenment experiences through music just as psychedelics does. Somehow!! It can be so great!! Ill do this even if I were the last man on earth!!! Most certainly when I have 100 million dollars, Ill pour everything I've got into this and die in love along the way.

The most spiritual music set & setting I can imagine with today's music is tripping on a darkpsy festival. Darkpsy is really bad at the moment, its can be 1000x better. This is the absolute best darkpsy song I have found so far: https://open.spotify.com/album/6hff31dWavvOgd2ZwRbDWj?highlight=spotify:track:7vHUHOJI95Cbe5e2zNgyKz (Live to love). This song has a lot of first chakra, but not much second chakra (rythm is too consistent), a lot of third chakra (in the vibrations), but vague third chakra in all the other stuff besides the main vibrations) this one, apart from other darkpsy has a more of heart chakra (like 2/10) , and just a little bit of 5th chakra, in the meaning, but it can be so much better. But because of the beat and all the effects, if you really listen to it, to ravishes your ANJA, I mean, it goes deep. Because you can find soo many interconnections. This opens up your Anja and kills your thoughts, thus all the thoughts that comes up. Maybe your ego resist, or maybe the music is not resonating with the other chakras, or something. So imagine yourself in a festival setting: Your bottom five chakras are opened more because you are around people you love, you're not hungry, you are dancing. Now, imagine that you take LSD, and imagine this music blasting all around you. Now, that will trance you up. Because you will see a lot of combos, everything melts together. And in that space, your ego disappears. It could certainly be tied into how open your chakras are at that point. The next level for music is the tucker zone. Man, just imagine!!! WE can create an entire psychedelic experience by stimulating the senses, the imagination, feelings, the chakras, by just having one sit down with a pair of fucking headphones. We can raise peoples consciousness! ARRHGHGHGH!! The passion. Ps: I think that our imagination comes from Anja, right? We apply an interconnection to reality to enhance beauty. Pps: About piano being a holy instrument, think about it. By pressing a single note, we trigger all of the 5 bottom chakras!!! (note, rhythm, poise, energy, expression) And by then pressing more notes, we trigger Anja, and with enough interconnections to how that connects to your perception of reality, man, you will cry and your ego will die. Guys there are so many components, how does chakras tie into spiral dynamics, etc. But Ill trust the purple cow. If people could take their headphones and listen to such music that gives a spiritual experience, I swear to god that they will do it.

Okay guys, thank you for the replies. Im SUPER PASSIONATE about this just so you guys know!! @FlowerNote In my insight, music is just how we perceive it to be. In truth, music is a form of perception. The musical idea you talk about is a perception in your mind! But its quite touch to pinpoint what this perception is made out of that it could be quite hard to express it accurately on the first try. There are a story about how chopin heard a melody in his head, as if it was a piano playing (the musical idea) and he was probably skilled enough to just play it out very accurately on the piano, but his memory faltered, and so he sat in his room trying over and over again to express the initial idea without success, and this could be regarded as tragic. I think its so nice to understand the components of music so that we can know how we can express this idea. And my bias here is mainly for the listener, of course, composing music can raise your consciousness, but im much more interested in how we can raise the consciousness of the listener. ------ So here we go, the chakras model. First, Id like to disclaim that I have not studied the chakras enough to know everything about them, although I have practiced Kriya yoga for a year and a half so I got some intuitions on this. And I know a guy who is really in tune with his chakras to even connect them to the spral dynamics model.In music, all components of a song can be explained with the 7 chakras. This is as nuanced as trying to explain human behavior through spiral dynamics to ill keep it simple: First chakra within music: This is the life force of the music, what makes music survive? In this case its the energy, its the vibrations themselves, the electricity, the sounds, the loudness. You know when you're sleepy? You cant put on a song with really open muladhara chakra because it doesnt resonate with your (slightly closed) first chakra at the moment, so you change to a calm song as if by instinct, well that instinct comes from your first chakra. Second chakra within music: This is the sexual energy! And what is that? Its the rhythm, its the movement. So, in music, this is the beat, the rhythm, the variation of rhythm. The second chakra is all about rhythm in music, and music like funk (with super open svadhisthana) is felt there! Its felt in that area like a resonance, an urge to dance. Second chakra is all about rhythm, and music with closed second chakra is music you don't really dance to. Third chakra within music: This one is hard to pinpoint, but its the why of music, of every note, of every sound. Why this sound and not some other sound? This certainty is felt in manipura. I press this tone because manipura, and I'm so certain of this tone that its felt in manipura. Its the poise, the why, the choose. This embraces: All the instruments, all the sounds. The purpose, the why. You know, some music is felt in the manipura because we know that it cant be expressed in any other way! Like as if the composer says: This tone, and no other tone, period. Fourth chakra: This is the heart chakra, and we all know this one! This is the love of emotional expression! We express our hearts! All those heartbreak songs, all those chords that we hear sometimes that just makes our hearts flutter, all of that, that's anahata. Its the melody! Its the note. The nuance, Its the chords, its all of that. The more closed this one is, the less heart we get into a song, the more death metal it is xD. Fifth chakra: Vishudda! So, here its all about meaning. How do we express meaning? We do this by lyrics, or just by singing, its a message. The attempt to convey a message through music always comes from Vishudda, and that message is always felt by vishudda. And stage orange people these days are so opened in their fifth chakra (but closed in many else) that we must go the way of lyrics. This one is dangerous because we can express our ego. We can use a song to perpetuate Maya based on the meaning. Some people try to only focus on vishudda when trying to "raise consciousness through music" but they can only get so far as Leo can get you through his voice. Vishudda is the voice of the music, it can be implemented into a wordless melody, but its mostly implemented through lyrics. Sixth chakra: the third eye: Oh boy, this one is different. You know when you take psychedelics and listen to music? The music is the same, but the way you perceive it is different. Anja (sixth chakra) is all about the perception of music, but it can be implemented into music as well. Anja is how all of the musical components that are explained below interconnect with each other!!! Below, in the first 5 chakras, you have all the components of music, take one component of music (the flick of a string on the guitar) r and we can assign it to chakra no 2, 3, 4 or 5 (+ chakra number 1). But charka 6 is all about how all of those components interconnect. Like when you take a psychedelic and all of a sudden, the music interconnects with your experience like 1000x more than it did before, and this is because of Anja. Now, we can make it so that we can interconnect chakra 2,3,4 & 5 so well, that it sounds just as good as if you were tripping, listening to music, right!!! Because that is possible! Because music is just sounds after all, and how we perceive it is actually totally dependent on how the music sounds in your experience! and so its possible to make music which sound so fucking good, just as if you were tripping. Of course, you must also include the visuals, the feelings and the imagination, of course you can explain everything you see by the chakras as well somehow, so in the psychedelic experience, the chakras are also affected by what you feel, see and hear interconnected. All I'm saying is that the interconnection of all of this is how we see the beauty (Third eye). And so what is Sahasrara, well, guess. Its the absence of thoughts!!! Ego dies. You kill off the thoughts so much that it is as if you're merging with the music. And this is possible, because we can stimulate the psychedelic experience by radically opening Anja but having the first 5 chakras very open, then interconnecting all of that so that anja may be opened, and when every chakra at the bottom is opened, then guess what!!? The 7th chakra opens!!! Absence of thoughts. Trance. So, today's music is limited. How? In the audioscape. Its just stereo. A real audioscape has infinite more potential for combining tones. You know how you can hear if something is approx. 2 meters away and behind you on your right side? Or you can hear how things are in front if you? This is because of your ears! And this creates a field!! In this field, you will trigger the ASMR effect. This is the field I'm talking about: In the Tucker zone, we can really make music so psychedelic and so ASMR'ic that is opens up our anja like music on acid. And this opens up our sasharara. Do you get what I am seeing? Think of a song which has all the open chakras, infinitely dancing in the tucker zone, to make your imagination go crazy, to make your energy go crazy, it will include binarual beats, whatever, and will be JUST LIKE a psychedelic experience. This is why we cant express the psychedelic experience through music, because we don't have the tucker zone.

I really like this, I have never thought this way before, thank you @Serotoninluv Now guys, what about actually fulfilling your needs in another way than porn? Your cravings for PMO can actually be made out of your needs for something, needs for physical touch, for the feminine essence, etc. Maybe it is that you have a part of yourself that you cannot apply self-love to, and the only way this part of you can get that love and relief is to overwhelm you with cravings. A human doesnt actually need to watch porn, so why do you watch it? Contemplate on this from your subjective experience, dont sit and think about "dopamine", or "your brain or porn" here. The need to watch porn has all to do with how you fulfill your needs. I have found that thinking about porn is what causes the suffering from it. You dont suffer if you smoke a cigarette once in a while and then never think about it again, but you do suffer if you smoke a cigarette after having been an addict, its the same act but a different way of thinking, its the same with porn.

I have found that for me to be able to stay consistent with the gratitude journaling I will have to develop a secure daily habit first. Right now, the friction of having my gratitude journal on this forum outweighs the benefits. There is friction in having the same style of journal on two different places, there is friction in how I chose my words, in having to open the forum rather than just my commonplace book... I feel like I need to solidify the habit and mainly do my gratitude journaling in my commonplace book because I feel like its important for me to reduce all possible friction in the name of the survival of this habit. I might post something here once in a while as I know its a cool read for some of you Or maybe not... maybe this is the end of this journal, who knows? This post is just as spontanious of a heart-felt desicion as the start of this journal With love & gratitude, No hard feelings

Hi there! The purpose of this journal is to spread positive vibes to all readers and also motivate me to keep consistent with journaling about gratefulness. I will focus on writing bullet lists of what has happened during the day that I feel grateful for while keeping full transparency and not filtering my words trough knowing that people are reading this journal. Gratitude journaling has many benefits, mainly that you will become much more satisfied with what you've already got, which makes you enjoy reality more, rather than trying to escape due to dissatisfaction. And the more grateful you become, the more things you will feel grateful for!! So let's get started!

2019-12-23 Thank you Bill W for your kind words Im so grateful for feeling on track with life, knowing exactly what to do next, and knowing where that will lead me Im so grateful for the wonderful intimate relationship I have with Eleonor Im so grateful for the conversation I had with Eleonor yesterday while I was doing my cleaning job, we talked about our future, our emotions, what we love with each other, how grateful we are for each other Im grateful for being so good in bed! Im grateful for having experienced Eleonor crying as we cuddled in bed listening to a love song Im so grateful to feel how it is like to feel inspired after amazing sex! Im grateful for being so comfortable with expressing my feminine side Im grateful to slowly realize how my childhood has always aligned with my strengths and values Im grateful for the run I did to the sea around Eleonors place Im grateful for the music! Im grateful to realize that music is what im so passionate about! Im grateful to have done and come up with such insightful answers to the Lp exercises Im so thankful for the wonderful food! Thank you lord for this wonderful life, and this wonderful woman Im so grateful to have such a nice relationship with my family Im grateful for the call I had this friday with SYV about how serious school is Im grateful for having brought the piano to Eleonors place Im grateful for the insights Eleonor gave me about music, love and consciousness Thank you for my room! Thank you for the food! Thank you for the water! Thank you for the freedom! Im soo grateful to myself about my willingness to actualize my potential! Im grateful to discover my willingness to keep my ego in check Im pretty grateful for having experienced a simultaneous orgasm with Eleonor while not wearing a condom! Im grateful for discovering more about what makes Eleonor feel good Im so grateful the insight that the only thing that matters is how I feel with Eleonor in the now. That I take decisions concerning us, based on how I feel my purpose, and to leave the rest to being fully me and in the now in her presence. Im grateful for the sweet moments I had with Eleonors cat Dennis Im grateful to be writing this Thank you for the piano Thank you for my home Im grateful for having slept on the bus Im grateful for the energy I felt this Sunday morning because of having passionate sex with Eleonor Oh, thank you for the Love, im so grateful for felling in love with Eleonor Im grateful for all the things she teaches me Im so grateful for the inspiration she gives me! Lets go! Im grateful for the picture she gave me, for the blowjobs she gave me, for all her moaning Im grateful for my ability to relate to how she feels and what her body wants! Im grateful for my penis is big enough to penetrate Eleonor deeply Im so grateful for being able to be totally comfortable with expressing myself to Eleonor Thank you Eleonor for the Tea! Thank you mom for the cake! Im so grateful for my sister being able to take the initiative, helping mom clean her room Holy shit im grateful to experience this relationship with Eleonor while being so young! Im grateful for the future! Im grateful to feel like the future is my safe-space Im grateful for having analyzed what I naturally do during the days where I don't have a schedule Im grateful for not having eaten for 16 hours after this big unhealthy delicious meal I ate yesterday Im just so grateful to be alive in this moment, to have cultivated all of this with trust for something good. And now im here! Im grateful for having woke up late Im grateful to be writing this right now Thank you for all the knowledge Thank you dad for being so nice and loving Thank you Leo for being such a huge part of my life & knowledge Thank you for the love, the tears, the insights, the wonderful experiences, the confidence, the relating, the sweet words, the motivation, the inspiration, the dreams, the future, life, creativity, intelligence, gratitude, consciousness. Thank you for EVERYTHING!!

Yes, its important to not think about porn all the time. What worked for me is indentifying what needs im satisfying with porn. For me it is: A sense of connection and a fulfillment of my need for physical touch An intimate moment with the feminine essence To see and relate to how the feminine moves to ecstasy An easy attempt to have a spiritual experience The trick is to not focus on quitting porn, but rather focus on satisfying your needs that porn is currently satisfying for you. Experiment! Go to some tantra yoga event and do some physical touch with people or some eyegazing, and see if that cools you off. For me Ive met an amazing woman that satisfies all of my needs above, and so I dont feel the need to watch porn anymore. And if I do watch porn, its because im deficent in these needs, and if I relapse, thats okay, because I know that if I just satisfy these needs I will not think about porn! We are not wired to watch porn. I believe that if we satisfy all those needs that makes us crave sexual satisfaction then we will not crave to ejaculate or watch porn, furthermore I believe that ejaculation for men is a conscious choise and not a need. Just as giving your greatest gifts to the world is your conscious choice and not your need. What also helps for me is to practise some taoist techniques, that will give you a way out of having to ejaculate all the time. Get out there, find a girl, or get your needs met in some other healthy way. Remember, if you are still thinking about porn, you wont be able to quit it, those thoughts will attract porn sooner or later. And those thoughts will only go away if your needs that porn currently fills is satisfied in another (healthy) manner.

@modmyth Thanks! @Raptorsin7 Its more like a practise to chrystalize all the nice things that has happend during the day, and this makes me more able to connect to gratefulness, express gratefulness and be more satisfied. But I did start out feeling really happy about life, and craving to start a journal like this to not waste the benefits. Its more like I practise feeling grateful for the little things, so I try to remember all the good things about my day and then apply the gratefulness to those things, but im not gonna write down a thing that im not grateful for. I really feel grateful for some of the things that I write down, and some other things less. I generally try to stretch out the feeling of gratefulness as long as possible and apply that feeling to as much as possible when I do the journaling, so with this journal, gratitude is something I activly try to feel more of rather than trying to be honest about ”did I really feel grateful for the breakfast I ate this morning when I ate it?” I just try to look back on my day and try my best to feel as grateful as possible for what happend during that day. For me, its about feeling as grateful as possible. And it works! Its makes me feel more grateful about the things that happen during the day when they happen aswell, and thats the real benefit.

Yes, it is. If you eat 6000 calories of fruits every day then you will meet your protein needs just fine... And some people do it! Like this guy: Here is a good video about the topic:

2019-12-10 I grateful for the nice conversations I have had with Eleonor trough email today I am grateful for being around my sister and getting insights about myself from that I am grateful for the food mom cooked for me today Im grateful for the delicious sauce I made Im grateful for the beautiful improvisations I made on the piano today Im grateful for the effects of the Modafinil I took this morning, I like that is was so nice and it made me so productive. Im grateful to discover the nice potential of Modainil Im super grateful that I went for a run this evening! It made me feel so good as I stayed home working the whole day! Im grateful for my willingness to go home and chose sleep over roaming around the city I am grateful for the salad I ate eysterday I am grateful for the good sleep I had I am greatful for the super funny stuff I came up with my sister today Thanks for making me able to see my sister in a different way after she has come back Im grateful for having watched Yes-theory today and that it inspires me to go and take ice baths with Eleonor! Im grateful for the sweet thought I have about Eleonor Im grateful for the stamina I had during the run Im grateful for having seen Martins cool headphones Im grateful that Martin asked me what was on my heart Im grateful for the Psytrance that my sister showed me Im grateful that I did the math homework Im grateful that I feel capable of doing the rest of the school work Im grateful for my room being so beautiful Im grateful for feeling such positive vibes when revisiting the forum Im grateful for having started this gratefulness journal Thank you lord for the good food, for the nice thoughts about Eleonor Thank you lord for giving me such nice creativity yestesday that made me write that poem Thank you for the tears, for the music, thank you for the love Thank you for the struggle, thank you for the strength Thank you lord that when I look in the mirror I can see such a beautiful face Im grateful that I feel so smart Im grateful that my sister will leave the house tomorrow Im grateful for having many social options Im grateful for realizing my weaknesses, im thankful for discovering that im able to be disciplined Thank you the universe for having paired me with this wonderful woman, I wouldnt have it any other way Im grateful for the inspiration I felt to start woking out again Im grateful for feeling so grateful. Im grateful that I have so much to be grateful for! Thank you for the water, the energy, thank you for my abilities. Thank you for the flow! Thank you for the wonderful thoughts of opportunities to make money the way I want to Im grateful for having watered my flowers this morning Im grateful for having been brave enough to take a cold shower Im grateful that I now know what writing like this feels like, and im grateful experiencing how it feels to attempt full transparency Thank you for the confidence. Thank you for tomorrow. I love you! Thank you thank you! Thank you for life!! Thank you for my capacities. Thank you lord for these wonderful memories, thank you reality for being so sweet!! Im grateful for having Grammarly correct my spelling

A package of fresh dates. It gives you the energy you need in a healthy way and it's compact and very quick if you can find some. That's how I do it. Easy: you can make nice meals out of canned corn, just take that corn and mix it into a bowl with whatever you would put onto your sandwich. It gives you a little better nutritional value than bread while it isn't that dry, just carry around some cans of corn and store the additives in some other container. You can also mix in some olives. Corn benefits from being canned as that's the only way you can store it without having to pre-boil it, as when corn ripens it turns the sugars into starch, but canned corn is fresh and delicious! No gluten, raw & more fiber! Aim for highest quality corn, but I think ordinary canned corn is still a better replacement for wheat

One thing is to experiment with being able to relate to your polar essence's direct experience. For example, when Im high on weed im much better at relating, to things, to people, molding my experience into something that I think they are feeling, and so I went and watched porn (classic weed activities) to soon find out that if I don't jerk off my mind goes crazy with sexual energy, and I was able to think up and strongly relate to how the woman was feeling in that certain sex scenario. I kind of project the feeling of being filled up with love and joy as I've read that that is what women feel during sex, I projected the feeling of being penetrated, and then I could resonate with her desires, how she would enjoy being dominated, how certain woman fetishes actually fits in with what I relate that she is feeling... its crazy, but as a man, you resonate with it because a part of you is a woman. And then when I have sex its easier for me to predict what she would enjoy - of course, based on what she has enjoyed from me previously but also what I think she would enjoy based on how I have related to the feeling of being a woman during sex. Like, she may like that you are pulling her hair or pinning her down, but why does she like that? And why does she like the unpredictability? Dont mix logic into this, think of yourself as a woman then feel it. Action: Watch some healthy porn, don't jack off as that eliminates your ability to fantasize, and then try to relate to how the woman feels. Or just don't watch the porn, and then its easier tp actually think of how you would look like as the sexy woman version of yourself, and go with that. Hope this helps, I got jealous of Serotoninluv getting called a sex god so I wanted to share my unique thoughts...

I think that conscious women are the most beautiful, because they are aware of the fact that what makes them inherently beautiful also makes them feel really good, or vice versa. You wouldn't eat unhealthy food if you were conscious of how it affects you while you strive to feel as good as possible, aka as conscious as possible - to a certain point

4 am to sleep, 2 pm waking up, and it has become a bad habit... Oh boy.

@Tiny Nietzsche I think you need to dig deeper about piano and then think broader about the new ideas you got when thinking deeper. Why piano, why not guitar? What is it that you love about the piano? Do you want to create music or be very good at playing other's music? Do you like the instrument itself or the music it can create? What is it that you love the most about this very broad field of mastery called piano? Can you condense what you love the most about piano and channel it into something else?

Amazing! Great share!! Thank you! Its also insightful to read the comments under that video

How is love synonymous with actuality? How is love synonymous with the colors I see? I can't seem to collapse this boundary For me, my imagination proves to be a powerful tool in expanding love, just like the demonstration in the "what is love?" video. How far can I use my imagination and visualization to magnify and expand love? Can I break through into absolute love by solely using my mind and thoughts as a tool to achieve that?

I'm a frequent weed user, most of the time I smoke with the intent of learning, experimentation and to explore spiritual insights. Weed can definitely be used for spiritual purposes but it's definitely not as potent as other classic psychedelics unless you take enough of it with breaks in between (5 days). I tend to use cannabis to subtly change my perception of reality, I smoke it frequently in threshold doses, and I'm being very picky with the strains. It takes me several months to smoke a batch of ~5 grams all by myself. Depending on the strain and what you do when you use it, cannabis will be addictive. If you use it to escape your problems then you will get cravings much faster than if you use it for spiritual purposes. What makes weed addictive IMO is that it can easily become a certain role in your life if you use it to escape you will get hooked much quicker than if you use it for spiritual purposes. You can use weed for productivity as well, a threshold dose of weed takes me deeper into meditation and makes me more musically creative, but see, that's exactly how it becomes a part of your life and then its quite hard to stop. What's fundamentally addictive is not the weed itself, but the opportunity to instantly subtly change sober perception without harm and commitment of emotional labor. The rest of its addictive potential lies in how you use it and what you use it for.