Igor82

Day 1: 1/10 Although I had enough cravings that would normally make a 4, after yesterdays realisation, im starting to develop an attitude of offence against my cravings, staring them down to oblivion. I feel pride in how many little demons I have slayed today, and in the days to come, it seems that nothing can stop me. It does not feel good though, the suffering that the addiction is spawning makes me very motivated to eliminate it. I feel like every relapse is the last, and definently this one, is the last. This is it men, 180 days starting now, ending 2018-06-25.

Just took the tests for the first time Big5: Open mindedness: 42 Conscientiousness: 71 Extraversion: 63 Agreeableness: 55 Negative emotionality: 6 Dark triad: Narcissism: 2.3 (30) Machiavellianism: 0.7 (1) Psychopathy 0.4 (0) I took them just once, answering honestly as soon as I felt certain.. I usually dont take persoanlity tests, I have not found a use for them yet.

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Cravings makes reality look bad while they promises you an escape out of that! They key to seing through this is to deep down realize that facing reality for what it is, is always more worth than fulfilling addictions. Love, beauty and fulfillment is on the other side of suffering (cravings), and its always more worth than a perpetual cycle of ”relief”. I need to fulfill my needs rather than fulfilling my wants. What I want is displayed as a temporary craving that goes away if faced. What I need is indentified by the constant symptoms of suffering that comes as a biproduct of me not fulfilling my needs. Cravings will never get me what I need! Getting rid of cravings is what I need. You need a reason to prioritize doing nothing rather than giving into cravings. Cravings will strip you away of all your motivations, of all pleasure, of all beauty, security and reason. When you have nothing besides the craving, you must know why you would rather do nothing than give into the craving. The reason is that if you resist the cravings, the addiction will eventually fade away, and release all it took away from you, so that the moment can become beautiful, valuable and full of love and freedom. Resisting the craving and killing the addiction will reward you with the things that the craving promised you in the first place (counter intuitive)! This applies to all kinds of cravings, even cravings related to exploring stuff you have never experienced before! Cravings are cravings, and beyond all of them lies your truest desires. There is a fine line between what you need to do rather than what you want to do. All my surface motivations will never hold in the long run if I cant fundamentally choose to face reality rather than giving into addictions. Of course, surface motivations are handy for me not to face the whole addiction all at once (e.g doing something elise or only facing a certain kind of craving), and to give me a smoother journey to the end, but if I cant grasp the underlying issue, I can never fully let go of an addiction.

Day 6 - Relapse The Christmas spirit! I relapsed exactly the same way I did last time, with some more foreplay of experimentation, ending in me trying to ejaculate up my spine (like last time) and it didnt work. I also watched porn for about 30 minutes towards the evening, giving into a craving telling myself that my observations would be worthwhile. Porn was actually really disappointing (compared to what I expected).. I could especially feel my masculine essence of confidence and strenght just melting away before the lust I saw infront of me. I realise that this journal is gonna be more like a journey, and what I write here will be boiled down to the most valuable! I contemplated about my problems in my commonplace book, and Ive got some gems to share with you guys: Cravings makes reality look bad while they promises you an escape out of that! They key to seing through this is to deep down realize that facing reality for what it is, is always more worth than fulfilling addictions. Love, beauty and fulfillment is on the other side of suffering (cravings), and its always more worth than a perpetual cycle of ”relief”. I need to fulfill my needs rather than fulfilling my wants. What I want is displayed as a temporary craving that goes away if faced. What I need is indentified by the constant symptoms of suffering that comes as a biproduct of me not fulfilling my needs. Cravings will never get me what I need! Getting rid of cravings is what I need. You need a reason to prioritize doing nothing rather than giving into cravings. Cravings will strip you away of all your motivations, of all pleasure, of all beauty, security and reason. When you have nothing besides the craving, you must know why you would rather do nothing than give into the craving. The reason is that if you resist the cravings, the addiction will eventually fade away, and release all it took away from you, so that the moment can become beautiful, valuable and full of love and freedom. Resiting the craving and killing the addiction will reward you with the things that the craving promised you in the first place! (counter intuitive). This applies to all kinds of cravings, even cravings related to exploring stuff you have never experienced before! Cravings are cravings, and beyond all of them lies your truest desires. There is a fine line between what you need and what you want. All my surface motivations will never hold in the long run, if I cant fundamentally choose to face reality rather than giving into addictions. Of course, surface motivations are handy for me not to face the whole addiction all at once (e.g doing something elise or only facing a certain kind of craving), and to give me a smoother journey to the end, but if I cant grasp the underlying issue, I can never fully let go of an addiction. What have I learned? I shall only take hot showers while standing up in the future, as a sibstitute for cold showers if im not able to take them but still need to clean myself. I will not do hot showers for comfort anymore. I will sit with all craving related to PMO, with the sole intent to completly kill my addiction for the sake of love. Breatinh into all the cravings helps with making the cravings less compelling and magnifying the wonder of reality, strongly helping me with not giving into the cravings. I will journal about my faliures and come up with strategies that help me come back even stronger, until this beast it dead!

Day 5: 2/10 I dealed with some minor cravings today, the same old cravings to watch porn. I also dealed with some random fantasies that came out of the blue, just breathing into them and observing them is enough. Today I took a break from life, somed a little weed, took it easy, worked at my weekly cleaning job, and here I am. Im noticing that my energy levels are sky-high compared to when I was not streaking, im really excited for the next atlethics session as it seems that my energy can last me a marathon! I have also observed more motivation to be productive (because of the energy), and a very steady calmness! I can finally sit and be pretty content with myself, I did this today, and just sitting around on my couch was very enjoyable.

I got a batch of 5-Meo getting shipped to my home atm. Ill take 45mg of that shit and stuff it right into my bum, run and put my straitjacket, lock myself into the wardrobe and prove this theory right, FOR SCIENCE! Jokes aside, I have not had a NDE, but if I ever die on the 5-Meo, ill let you know@Fairy

That is the christmas spirit! And christmas here in Sweden packs some cold ass cold showers, I do try to take them every day, and I surrender I to the pain. No enlightenment has been realized, but I have observed racing thoughts, pain, bodily movements outside of my control, screaming, internal screaming, laughing and euphoria. My surrender has brought me only to observe reality unfold in my cold shower, but it has not unfolded to the point of self-realization.

Day 4: 2/10 Lets talk about the NeverNut news first: I can now handle really strong & compelling cravings and urges, I just know that action is all that matters for them to stay alive, so if I just don't do what they tell me, Im golden... but the brain is a survivor, and Im starting to stumble upon my second threshold guardian, fantasizing. Randomly throughout the day, I would get fantasies of being in bed with hot chicks, having erotic sex etc. Really compelling ones that touch upon my wildest imaginations. They just pop out of the blue, randomly! It is not serious or anything, but at one point my dick got hard. I will have to read that book from Mantak Chia. The only solution for this that I have now is to let it be, see it for what it is and breathe the sexual energy down into my body from the head... Other than that: Today, my productivity was godlike. I got my batch of Modafinil yesterday evening, and so today at around 10:45 am (I woke up 10:30) I ingested ~50mg of Modafinil. It put me in a state strong motivation to do things to be productive, like the motivation you would have when setting your mind to something with passion and enthusiasm. Take that motivation and subtract the passion and there you go! Now combine this effect with Kriya Yoga, visualization, excersize, a cold shower, healthy diet and sky-high (integrated) sexual energy... (Boom), productivity, energy and confidence through the roof! Although I was productive, my emotional state didn't go euphoria mode or anything, I was just able to do much more stuff. My work atm is a boring means to an end (The lp course and reading stuff), so my emotional state was not to be considered as "flow". But I can imagine myself doing creative work on this stuff, then oh boy, rocket to the moon!

Day 3: 3/10 I didn't watch porn! And I got rewarded, today has been fucking awesome! Sexual energy has moved from the head into my body, making me feel more energetic, and boy I could release that energy in the athletics arena, where today the most cutest girls (I have ever seen!) showed up, but they didn't distract me, nono, after the challenge I suffered yesterday, there were no urges, just their feminine essence empowering my practice. Where there would normally be feelings of shyness or social anxiety, there were none, I could act weird with confidence, I could look into a cute girl's eyes with a smile, it was amazing. Sitting on the bus, many eyes were on me. I still feel some cravings of porn that I felt yesterday, but now I know how to deal with them. There is a fine line between craving action and the action itself. No matter how compelling the craving is, I won't take action upon it. This way this compelling craving can disappear into oblivion and my threshold guardian is slowly pulverized. I have never gotten this far into observing the benefits and traps of nofap.

Love you all!! Wish I could sit on a staircase with each an every one of you and have awesome conversations ending in the most loving hug the universe is capable of <3!

Day 2: 8/10 I think today has been the most difficult day so far on my whole nofap journey. If I was not distracting myself, a craving for porn would come up, I have endured at least 4 really compelling (10/10) urges, besides that there has been a constant thought of watching porn in the back of my mind because today went to hell. I woke up tired, dehydrated at 2 pm in the afternoon, with 0 motivation to start my morning routine. During these circumstances, I would binge on either video games, PMO or both. I didn't play video games I didn't touch my dick I didn't watch porn, but still as im writing, the thought of doing it is soaking my mind, like "there is nothing I will lose if I do it". Im even afraid to post this because of im afraid that I will watch porn before I go to sleep. This day is yesterday x5, but im still hanging in there, and its really hard. I managed to do the Yoga, visualization, and I hope I can do some of the LP course, reading and if I have to, ill rather smoke some week before going to sleep than watching porn. Im gonna make a good schedule that I can follow tomorrow, so that im not gonna experience this again. But this is the deepest challenge, where I would usually fail time and time again in the past, now im enduring with my teeth. Its hard. Im gonna try to just sit and let go of all these thoughts, then we shall see what happens next, Ill talk to you guys tomorrow. The reason this is not 10/10 is that I can imagine it being much worse, like being high on viagra in a prison cell, surrounded by hot horny girls and the only optional internet access is to my favorite porn websites... being able to endure a 10/10 would be the decisive thing that would rid the mind of the addiction completely.

Day 1: Difficult It all went really smoothly until I was about to eat breakfast (at 2 pm) and then came this nasty craving to watch porn. My reasoning was "Oh, you have already relapsed, and there must be soo much new stuff of your favorite porn! And @vitaminewater watched porn once, and he got away with it! If you watch the porn, you won't break the streak man, just go and do it!" It was hard, usually when this type of craving comes, I would give into it, but not this time, even though the craving had the advantage of reasoning, there was some force within me that still went meta on the craving, like I had this force of observation just coming in and shining the craving into oblivion. And then I went and fixed my bike instead, went and danced in public, went and played drums at a nearby school and attended its concert, came home, took a cold shower, ate some healthy food and here I am! Choices guys, choices. Some of the craving still lingers, and when this happens, I usually give up hope and give into it, but not today. I shall breathe into it, and feel it for what it is. I'll talk to you tomorrow guys.

Day 16: 5/10 - I Relapsed Hahahaha im really exctied, hear me out til the end! I was productive today, but it was labor work so I was not that entustiastic to work, so at the end of the day, I thought of taking a hot shower rather than a cold shower, just to relax. This was my reward. Usually when I take hot showers I masturbate in the bathtub, but I deliberately set the intention to not touch my dick, just to enjoy the shower itself I ended up doing some "experiments", Note: The "experiment" mentality is what I have found to be one of the sneakiest games the mind plays on me, starting with small and convenient actions that seduces me to then builds up to a relapse... I stimulated my nipples and suddenly my dick got hard, but I was not drawn to touching it, but it was really interesting, when I touched my nipples, I got all of this sexual energy! Out of curiosity I went with it, I stimulated both my nips while breathing into the sexual energy, breathing down the front and exhaling up the spine, and it felt good, too good. I ended up stimulating the nips more trying to recreate that state of sexual energy bliss, but it didnt work. I had in mind the experiment mentality, always thinking to myself that it wont end in a relapse, I even thought of going to the journal and writing about how my streak is going smoothly, but I didnt want to withdraw yet, the warmth felt too good. I was so into experimenting, I tried stuff I have never done, such as trying to spurt water into my peehole using the hose, after doing that for a little while it got pretty predictable and boring.. I ended up with the hose spraying down water on my exposed glans, and that alone actually got me near the edge (never happend before), and at that moment I thought that I would be able to orgasm without ejaculating (Mantak Chia style), but that didnt work and I ejaculated without touching my dick (Huge load, shit!) I admit, I gave into it all, I got into this self deceptive loop of "experiment mentality" and ended up orgasming. Looking back, I did my best, and I ended up spilling my milk like it was fully out of my control, the hot shower was doomed to fail. Takeaways: I really really want to continue this challenge! Im actually fucking ecstatic to continue this challenge, like Im certain that this roadblock is defeated. Due to the lack of control (and really lack of touch and fantasy), I would actually want to consider this on the level of a wet dream, but it technically isn't. Im not beating myself up, I have 0 guilt, I am actually more excited about this challenge now as I can take into account one more pitfall. I have the same willpower to resist cravings, I feel on the verge of integrating this as a lifestyle, where as in the past, all willpower was coming from me having a streak, being on a challenge or having an accountability partner, but now I feel like the source of my willpower is coming from a vision of what I can be, I am ready to let go and move into the lifestyle of NeverNut. This is the peak of masculine power!! I also really want to keep sharing this journey with you guys, im not gonna quit this journal, and certainly not this path! Action steps for future hot showers: Maximum 20 minutes, If I intentionally touch my penis (except for cleaning) during the shower, I will have to switch the water to cold immediately. My friends, I have technically relapsed, and although this experience(lessons) was so damn beneficial for me, this is the end of my streak. Tomorrow I will have to reset the count (If I dont, my self trust coming from this journal will diminish, and the motivation coming from this journal will disappear) I love you all! <3

@Sahil Pandit I don't get it, I wanted to say "4 days my ass", but that ninja emoji signifies a deeper purpose of your post that I just cannot grasp. Day 15: 4/10 Not too hard.. I had a couple of difficult cravings of wanting to watch porn. I could not dismiss them easily, and they had this sense of being permanent, mainly because I knew that I would not turn to anything more productive to do (because Monday is my weekend, and im suffering from a cold btw). But I quickly thought of not betraying the challenge and the cravings seemed to be defeated... but I know that if I don't restore myself to a good position in my daily life, I will be more prone to give in to my cravings by the lack of sufficient positive motivation to not do so. It's alright my friends. I smoked weed this evening and had this crazy experience:

After a day of doing nothing, I did a very calming Kriya Yoga session, and then I proceeded to listen to a soundtrack with sounds that calm the mind, like rain, crickets and these gongs (you know what I mean). I went pretty deep into it but after 5 minutes I had this thought of smoking a bit of the newly acquired batch of weed (Strain: AK47). I felt a little fearful of doing it, but I had a subtle sense of intuition that this is gonna be worth it: EDIT: I only smoked - at most - about a third of a gram of the weed using a pipe. It was really mellow and my mindstate was pretty trippy, no visuals but my mind was a bit weird. I went back to the couch to meditate to the sounds coming from my headphones and I got deeper, to the depth that I usually get to when practicing Kriya(KP1). Then I got the idea to push my fingers on my closed eye sockets so that I would maybe spawn some hallucinations, and so that happened, and then as soon as I saw some trippy patterns arise, I got this thought of taking off my headphones, but then fear arose, I was afraid to take off the headphones and face silence, because I thought I would die (The dialogue in my brain was: "If I face the silence, I will die, I will die, I will die") .. my breath started getting faster and heavier, and my heart started beating faster and faster it all began when I thought of exposing myself to silence; but remembered just face that fact with understanding and compassion and I said "its okay, its okay if I die", and I went deeper and deeper into the breathing, but nothing too significant and scary. The fear was getting bigger and bigger but I kept surrendering and surrendering. The main fear was the fear of leaving myself behind, the fear of letting go of all thoughts.. I was fearful when trying to identify myself with everything - fear of letting go of the thought of "myself"). At one point the fear got more serious along with the breathing, this happened because I got the thought of being stuck in this, but then I remembered to let go of the worry, I let go of myself or the part of myself that was afraid to be stuck .. I surrendered that and kept going as the fear diminished.. I started to make sense of consciousness as a formless object or something formless, and because it's formless, it cant take on any forms, but formlessness itself is a form! So it cant be formless either... It must be all forms and be formless at the same time, and so a thought metaphor of this was that I saw a big, big object, that was getting surpassed by this object that was just as much bigger (relative to the already big object, stretching endlessly) I really felt the weight of that and got afraid, but I pushed through that fear as well, and I started imagining being all sorts of shapes of reality, being all humans, being all animals, (as I thought of being consciousness itself) and that frightened me, how big this thing really is! I tired not to cling to the experience and I tried to surrender as much as possible, but eventually the experience faded and I stopped breathing along with it fading away, but then I started having this energetic release were I moved and shaked certain parts of my body almost automatically, effortlessly, like it was happening by itself, I shook my arms, did certain shapes with them, bolted up my back, shaking my chest, spasming my legs, I especially felt this wave (like a paintbrush connecting to a canvas, it connected to my back, painting it with energy, but the energy was felt a bit under the skin) … note that all of this just happend but in a calm sense, there was some fear, yes, but other than the fear there was nothing hurting "me", during this, the observer was as still as a pond, untouchable. The energetic release didn't get too intense, and after a couple of minutes (Im not sure) it faded away. I kept on meditating, at some point triggering the breathing again for brief moments when stumbling upon some fearful thought, and eventually I got distracted and stopped meditating. It all took 1 hour total of sitting down (I calculated how long the recording of the meditation sounds has been playing). I explored several of my fears, and these were very subtle, they came up as thoughts of that scenario happening, with fear attached to that scenario: Fear of my joy ending (the peak of the high) - fear of facing boredom (probably fear of emptiness, very subtle) Fear of not being productive, lead by the negative motivation that it will lead me to suffering. Im afraid of 1 day going by without me doing anything, (it indicates a willingness to quit the journey, which im afraid of) I have a couple of questions about this experience: I have had similar experiences of breathing hard and heart pounding 2 times before this one, each time ending in a fade-away, and each of them induced by a certain thought coming up during one of my sits... What is this experience, what was happening? What was that energetic release all about? Sorry for the lack of my current knowledge. Thank you for reading! <3

@winterknight Great video! Thank you for explaining this. Really interesting about aligning with desires, although would not the mind use this against me? Let's say that I want to be brutally honest with myself about if I want to know the truth or not, what indicates that the mind is simply not just trying to trick me to leave the path?

Day 14: 4/10 The post below has almost nothing to do with NoFap. It's more about ego backlashes, consciousness, and demoralizing realizations. I had more of these compelling cravings, but I maintained my awareness and didn't get sucked into them, and here I am! My life is going upside down. The last 2 days were great, but I burnt myself out, and today I had the hardest kriya yoga session yet, everything was clicking together in a bad way, frustration after frustration. I did the whole routine, but it took double the time.. then I did Leo's guided meditation, then I did visualization, and then I fell in love with the world.. I broke through the frustrations to realize that what was on the other side was my motivations for doing the practice. Being frustrated is supposed to kill my motivations! Then I smoked some weed and went to my weekly cleaning job.. I did worse because of the high, but the high put me in another perspective, so I proceeded to listen to Leo's "What is consciousness" video, and a lot of things clicked for me! That consciousness is the underlying substance that contains all phenomena, but we can't access it because of the ego, but we are consciousness and we can become aware of what it is. And that Mario analogy really clicked for me this time! Getting aware of the pixels.. I also really understood why consciousness cant be pointed to. But the meat of the high came when I started to listen to Leo's Ox-herding pictures video right after listening to the consciousness video. Oh man... I saw that I cannot be certain of any belief, because the beliefs are not showing reality!! And I saw that me thinking that some belief is "more accurate" than another belief is just bullshit. I will always look at the finger until I can see the moon, and the finger is totally different from the moon, in every way possible. This was a bit demoralizing. Im starting to sense a genuine desire for truth for truth's sake. Fukin truth! The ultimate truth. I really wanna know, because I see how I can never be certain until then. And I have this batch of 5-Meo on the way... even if I grapple with the thing for like a month, and let's say it happens that I break through, die and see the truth, that would still be just 0.1% of the work done... Im excited about that but demoralized to see that beforehand, that I have soo much left to do. Why would I want to meditate for 20 minutes if that is virtually insignificant? I know this is me bitching and moaning, but there will be so many backlashes, just like nowadays.. So much suffering... for what?!? I guess we will have to find out.

I'd rather live on the street than beat my meat Really funny share!!

@Sahil Pandit You have not seen these gals man, they are hot. One of my motivations for nofap was actually that I started athletics. Imagine my performance if I sat at home and ejaculated my life force, and then got into the stadium getting consistent boners of seeing hot girls bounce or moan when running or throwing something. One of my motivations is to actually see them every time I go there, in a more empowering sense, filled with opportunities The girl in the black suit (as shown in the video) is one of the girls I consistently see at the stadium. I have a crush on her (but how do I make it real?? NeverNut ofc) Day 13: 3/10 I had some cravings, but not too much, they were more compelling today, like they kind of challenged my goals, but I didn't fall into the trap of giving in to them. I feel like im gaining much more knowledge and experience of actually feeling into the cravings, and knowing what they are. I can now see more of the game that is being played (by more I mean like 1%). The cravings will pass, I have proven that to me time and time again. If a craving gets too compelling, I can just think of me posting another update in this journal like the craving didn't even exist. That will pulverize the craving right away because I know it will pass.

@Shubham chaudhary All of us living in Scandinavia could also go to Germany, it is very very cheap for us. Going to central Europe first is a good idea

Day 12: 2/10 I fulfilled a full packed schedule of chores that I procrastinated on.. feels good! Only a couple of cravings.. I met another girl on the athletics today, I went past her, but I tried to look into her eyes as much as possible, she was hot, to say the least. She suddenly asked me for where my trainer was (he is her trainer as well), and I looked into her eyes for like 4 seconds, then I pointed towards the door that he used to be, then I looked into her eyes while also mentioning that the trainer was away... essentially, I looked into her eyes 90% of the conversation. The conversation was not the best conversation I have ever had, my information left her confused actually, I was too busy making intense eye contact. Later on, I thought about that conversation, I had a feeling that I did something wrong.. I contemplated and realized that I want me to be someone that I am not. I then did a self-love exercise, and that trouble seems to go away. Im too needy.. I very rarely have a conversation with a girl that is a stranger, that is maybe why that emotion came up.

Day 11: 1/10 Good day, easy, no cravings. I used this day to make myself busy to do some tasks that was on my to do list, like ordering 5-Meo, ordering syringes, ordering books, etc, downloading a software which will shut down my computer automatically in 3 minutes, fasting, feeling like shit, having lot of impatience and not being able to concentrate (backlash?). Didn't think a single thought about porn, and tomorrow I shall be an even better day.

@kieranperez Do not commit suicide. Whatever you do, don't end it Your mind keeps telling you that there are no possibilities left, but there are many many, you just have to contemplate a little bit. You can come here to Sweden! The borders are wide open! Learn to speak the basic language and it won't be hard to get a job. You will even get money for studying. Work here, start a new life and use the money to pay your debts abroad You can make yourself vanish without a trace, and in 5 years the court will think you died and your debts will go down that hole as well You can go to that monastery You can travel the world without spending a single penny You can do many many many things. You can fulfill your life purpose in many ways man, just don't end it. Don't make suicide an option, make something else replace that option, like "fuck man, it's so damn hard. I just wanna escape this fucking country by boat" You can solve your problems in the country you are in, you can do something about it, you can solve your situation anyhow! Don't make suicide an option. I just wanted to say this, but im in no position to speak out of my experience. But if I were you, I would seriously consider my options

@Vitamine Water Thanks! Day 10: 2/10 Woke up feeling very tired, I ended up preparing everything to start my morning routine, and then I went to sleep again on my couch, and when sleeping, I had a wet dream; It was not uncontrollable, this time I felt like I caused it! As the fantasy started making my dick harder in the dream, I realized that it was a dream! But the dream presented such a compelling fantasy (almost like the one I had yesterday) that I proceeded into it! And so my milk was spilled... I woke up after that feeling like cancer, ego backlash deluxe combined with too little sleep, detox symptoms from eating shit yesterday, calorie deficiency and minor muscle soreness after the workout yesterday, and I guess loss from the wet dream. I ended up not doing anything much for the upcoming 4 hours, just sitting there on my couch reading the kriya yoga book with brain fog, or listening to music, occasionally looking at the wall but mainly just suffering. Then I mustered uå my courage to do the kriya, then I ate food, played some piano and here I am. I was in an ego backlash for sure, but it was pretty easy with the nonut, I have the wet dream, and no fantasies or urges followed up after that. Action steps Wake up on time Make my schedules more compelling and do them with discipline Fix some stuff on my to-do list (implement that into my schedule)