Igor82

Day 3: 5/10 Relapse This day was not that hard, but I wanted to take a break from life, smoke some weed and go biking. Although by adopting the attitude of taking a break, I severely delayed the decisive moment that starts all my days; to get my ass on the meditaton mat. So I sat there, confined in my room, not eating anything as I could do yoga at any moment, and I sat and browsed the internet for 4 hours. It got dark outside so I didnt wanna go outand so the most fun thing I could think of would be a nice masturbation session, and as I was not doing anything anyways, I gived into a subtle craving and tried to ejaculate up my spine (masturbating while literally doing shamanic breathing) but this didnt work and I eventually tipped the edge. I need a better strategy. My break days are unsistainable, I cant take a break from everything. A healthy day is always started by my daily morning routine. And to take an efficient break, I need to have this intetion. Im gonna strive to do my basic morning routine (Kriya yoga, meditation & visualization), every day with superior priority. To aid for this becoming true, I will do everything in my might to also wake up early because in the early hours, I have the most motivation to start my day properly. And for this to work even trough times where Im backlashing, I will listen closely and intuitively if my body needs a break, and the break will only be started after my basic morning routine. Im essentially prioritizing to wake up early and do my basic morning routine every day for the rest of my life These commitments removes much doubt and im coming back strong with another lesson in my arsenal.

@Wisebaxter I do have some egoistic motivations, all desires are from the ego. I want conscoiusness to fuel my life purpose, to make memmore efficemt, I want to help people, I want to love poeple, I want unconditional love, I want to brag.. I want this I want that. I want consciousness to fuel my life, its a big part of my life purpose, for my work to be based on consciousness both practically and abstractly, and If I really think about what I really want, I cant exclude conscousness. The I also have this desire to know what I really am, partially because I have realized I have no Idea who or what I am, and the real me is supposed to be reality itself! How fuckin cool isnt that? 5-MeO is then so practical! If I can plug this substance, push through a big barrier of fear and get to know myself and come back..! Then im ready to tackle the beast and may my motivations lead me to proper action. If I really dont want it, then it can stay in my closet until I will try again. If this thing can lead me to myself, then I should always have it within arm’s reach. If you know that you want to know who you are (despite of fear and distractions) then I advise you to buy the substance and just let it be there (in a safe spot) just in case you get the calling for it, because if you want to discover your true self, the calling will come. Well, im done trying to promote this due to lack of time.. im just trying to say how practical this is, and writing this also makes me realise some things myself. Ill keep answering questions

@Wisebaxter I think genuine desire for the truth is nessecary. To finnaly know who you really are is very inspiring. If I cant kill myself for the sake of ultimate truth, then I will resist the substance and nothing goes well. I guess you can have the right expectations, being able to find surrender in strong discomfort and a genuine desire to die. I think thats as far as one can go to prepair oneself for the substance.

He must have finally moved into stage orange...

Im legit worried

@Wisebaxter Im not ready for shit, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I try to prepare myself by surrendering into cold showers, and now as I have gotten a little mindfucked in my last trip I feel in shape to tackle the big beast. I mean, its simple really. I can get familiar with some lower dosages, then get used to them (4 trips or something) and then go move up the some higher doses, suffer through them, and then move up higher. If I ever get the calling for a breakthrough, ill just plug that. I know its a beast and I will always be humble, I know nothing can really prepare me for this so why not just take action right away? I advise you to do some research, find a vendor and get that shit into your mailbox along with some syringes and keep the beast close, you might someday get the courage to die, and then some 5-MeO in the closet would be most valuable thing available. I mean, I have no experience yet, but cant you see im sensible? Go, get on it, because if you dont you will sit there in the future, reading the breakthrough trip report and strongly wishing you had some magic salt within arm's reach. Sooner or later, why not sooner? There is no need to delay 5-MeO, nothing can prepare us for death and still we sit trying to prepare for it. Its the most practical ego death ever: 1 hour. Alone. Empty stomach, some salt squirted into butthole, death, somehow coming back... running back to the forum alive to tell the tale. Edit: I specifically meant that nothing can prepare you for the actual direct experience of the substance, but you can prepare yourself for what comes after, how you react to the dose and if you will be scared shitless and throw it into the trashcan or experiment deeper. Also you can prepare yourself (by development) to be able to properly integrate a breaktrough

@Gerhard This, if you wont laugh when watching this, please meditate some more to become aware of the hilariousness.

Ahahaha, oh my lord, im laughing my as off!! "Feel free to slap your hand" Thanks man for the share!

Day 2: 3/10 I love you all <3 Happy new year!! I have not many new years resolutions, I already intuit that work will done hard as without any self-imposed promises, and im excited to struggle for the sake of love in 2019!! Many things await, 12 months of Kriya Yoga, my total daily routine will stick and my work ethic will shoot through the roof combined with the NeverNut! I will trip on 5-MeO and LSD, I will also explore more of what Modafinil can offer me. I will become fit and strong within atlethics, my piano improvising skills will refine and I will eat healthy and fuckin enjoy it! I will not leave this journal and I intuit that I will find my life purpose in early 2019, and so finally I can reap some rewards. The work is hard, but by always being aligned, love is oozing! Today I did push through some cravings. My attitude has changed, and im now embracing the cravings with awareness with my purpose in mind. And if im not aligned, the cravings will always remind me. I have made something I suppress into something that aids me.

@Joseph Maynor Im gonna do enlightenment work 25 hours every day, then on the 8th day of every week I will sleep for 2.5 hours, drink ayahuasca, eat air, breathe some sunlight and watch Leo's video. Then I will write exactly 43 posts on this forum, take an ice bath and watch the sunset for the rest of the morning. In 2019 I will not though my dick for 480 days and I will try my best to go to the gym 9 times a week, for 42 minutes every session. I will also earn a million dollars that year as well.

Here in Sweden its 4am, and I have not watched porn for the whole year! This year I have had 0 urges, 0 cravings and 0 thoughts about porn. Going strong men!

@Wisebaxter I also have syringes, a milligram scale and the microscoop that Leo advised. I will do a treshhold dose as soon as I can and I will report on that. Then I will step my dosage up by 3-4mg incraments until I have a breakthrough dose and see truth. The batch is in salt form - Oxelate and I will plug it, it should come in within 2 weeks.

@Shin Perfect, just perfect!

Through marketing my passion. I went right at merketing after quitting school, but I quickly realised that my hapiness lied somewhere elise. Im inspired to make my living from something I love. I dont want to earn money just for money, just want to have a practical income that reduces all financial blockage that stands in the way of my purpose.

@Sahil Pandit The problem with my dad is that he does not believe that the work that im doing will make me successful, so out of the expectation that I will fail he keeps trying to convince me that I should return to safety. I quit school 18 months ago and I have not at all generated any material success since then, but he obviously cant step into my shoes and see where my work is really going. Edit: It seems that the only thing that will relieve his worry would be to see results being generated from me, or me doing as he says. There is nothing I can do to really convince him other than drawing out proof, which I have tried extensively

My father keeps telling me “Show me your results or go back to school”. Im telling him, promising him that in the next 10 years he will swallow those words in the midst of the constant pride he has for what my hard work has made me become. I dont have time for this

@John Lula Thank you for posting these quotes, I read them all and now I learned something new. I liked the last quote about that one spoon of sugar wont give diabetes. Many NoFappers think that way, and this can cause binges and setbacks after seeing like 1 porn image “Oh no, my streak is ruined!, all I have worked for the last 38 days is lost!” And then the cravings hit them hard af and then they go diabetes mode because they think they already hit rock bottom, so they think that cant fuck up more than that.

Day 1: 3/10 I feel like im in this grace period where after binging porn it just becomes unattractive for about 5-10 days before the libido comes back. But today was a good day! I read out “The way of the superior man” after like 6 months of slowly reading and digesting it, and the book is very valuable for me to align myself with the superior way, and interract better with my mother and some chicks at the atlethics house (literally the only women I meet on an daily/weekly basis). David Deida talked about how women can give the gifts of love, energy and vitality in an intimate relationship, and I started thinking if my fapping is actually related to some deficency needs? It was in the past for me. If I would streak I would start craving love, like lying beside some girl in my bed.. But now I dont crave that; I implemented a practise of self-love into my daily visualization, where I would spawn infinite love (from Leo’s love vid) and apply that to myself. Now I am capable of visualizing me just coming forth to myself and giving myself the most loving and intimite hug in the world, love just oozing for myself, and that really really helps with my need for love. I also do the practise that Leo demonstratedin his self-acceptance video where I would apply love to the parts of myself that I was repressing e.g the part of me that wants to relapse, or the part of me that is shy, the part of me that wants to quit, etc. Now Im not able to beat myself up. If I now ever get a fantasy for something intimate with a girl, I always imagine ravishing her, filling her with love, loving her without needing love back. I guess you gotta be able to love yourself to be able to love others

Day 1: 7/10: Relapse I relapsed 2 times to porn. In the evening I wanted to go to sleep early, but I stayed up watching youtube. In the back of my mind I kind of knew that I was going to give in to a craving, but I didn't want to do that ofc, so these 2 forces clashed subconsciously, at that moment I watched youtube with the subconscious reason to give time for a strong enough craving to arise that I would give into.. I gave in to a craving to watch porn, It was not a huge craving, but I found no reason to actually let go and surrender to it. I felt out of touch with my motivations, what would I do instead that would seem better? The first craving was to just watch 5 seconds of a new porn image of my favorite r34 artist. Then came another craving to keep watching, and before I knew it I was binging on the porn, and thought about this journal arose in my head, but then other thoughts arose that would justify me watching the porn "You have relapsed so many times since you started, the challenge is not so serious" "Just forget about the journal". I knew intuited that this was gonna end in a relapse, and a part of me wanted it more than the part of me that tried to resist it, and so after a long while of watching I started to fap and I relapsed. Then when I recovered I fapped again. I need a better strategy. I can't sit and face the cravings without a reason to do so. The cravings will strip me away from that very reason! What this journal actually motivated me to do was not to do NeverNut by itself, but to actually enhance my lifestyle. NeverNut hinges on me being able to resonate with my goals and being on track with them, because NeverNut fuels my goals, and if im not on track with my goals there is nothing to fuel, therefore its very easy for me to give in to cravings. Starting from tomorrow, I won't focus so much on NeverNut, ofc I will always try to sit with my cravings, but if I focus more on being productive and fulfilling my goals, I know that NeverNut will become effortless as now I have a very intimate and strong reason to do it! Previously if I relapsed, I gave up hope on my goals for a while, thinking that I have fucked up and sabotaged myself completely, I hinged my lifestyle on NeverNut rather than hinging NeverNut on my lifestyle. I must intimately realize that the benefits of semen retention are actually fueling my lifestyle, and trough that I will find a strong reason to annihalate my cravings, just as I did in the beginning of this journal. I will not stop writing in this journal, it benefits me to keep journaling here, and with my new strategy in mind, I will tackle my lifestyle vigorously.

Thank you my friends for the replies! @Wisebaxter @TheAvatarState @Leo Gura This all makes me excited for the next trips! Yes, I do want to experience a breakthrough but that goal crippled my trip because in my mind its associated with some form of action, like self inqury.. and when I realised that it didnt work I started feeling unproductive and guilty, and I wanted to do stuff to make up for that. What I shouldve done was just to observe and nothing elise, without expectations, knowing that engagement wont get me anywhere. The potential of this stuff is frightening, e.g what if I sat there in SDS for the whole trip?? LSD can offer so much more than just a breakthrough, the beauty, the creative ideas, facing fears etc. It all comes through observing the substance.. Excellent reply Leo! It really resonates and I will try my best to integrate that into my future trips! I actually have a batch of some more 1P-LSD and some 5-MeO on the way, I will keep you guys updated on that in the future!

Day 3&4: 6/10 I was tripping on day 3, and on the peak I explored the chicken and released my load. It had to happen, there was nothing I could do at that point, I couldnt even form a clear scentence in my head. It was one of the orgasms that was actually kind of worth it for me, it was an experience like never before! But today I felt very blue, I wrote a trip report, but I felt weak and unable to be very productive, and I started feeling depressed. I though taking a hot shower would help me, and after the shower I can maybe try to be productive, but as I tried my best to actually keep myself from sitting down in the shower, all my motivations disappeared, and I couldnt seem to be able to summon enough awareness to stop the cravings. I eventually sat down, and slowly succumbed to the cravings and eventually came. I observed a faint voice in my head come up a couple of time during the process that I should stop what im doing and get out of the shower, but I repressed that. My intention was to try to replicate the orgasm I had while tripping, but to make the orgasm worth it I wanted to find a new way to do it, so I actually started to think up all these though of how to masturbate in a new way until I found one, succumbed to it and relapsed. I just couldnt muster up the motivation or reason to get out of the shower.. Now I feel drained, lazy, depressed, its hard. Its hard for me to write this. This was supposed to be a confident challenge of success, but I guess im not stong enough. Im not giving up, its just that I have alot more work to do. Its hard.

@Charlotte I LOVE these meditation tracks you post here, Ive had a busy day of straining work and I need a break, so I come here to revisit one of the earlier tracks you posted here, and now you have posted another one! Just wanted to thank you for this, and its much more connecting and fun to listen to this special track rather than searching randomly on youtube because I know it has made wonders for somebody special

Day 2: 1/10 I have destroyed some more cravings and fantasies, and I was very productive today overall. I was at the gym at the atlethics house, and I saw some girls with really really nice butts. I glanced a couple of times (not to the point of distraction), but no cravings arose, just the feeling that you get when watching something really beautiful. I could have tried to breathe into the essence and gain power, but that was not in mind. I was focusing alot on actally killing my cravings and fantasies using awareness and seeing trough them, Leo calls this “Flattening the illusion”. Its really effective and when I do this, I get a subtle sense of regaining my masculine essence, like after a cold shower of after completing a challenge. Its like the superior man inside of my is doing a jailbreak 1 craving after another.

Fantasizing was the start of my downfall from a 6month streak I had last year. I experience intentional fantasizing to have the capacity to be addicting and spawn cravings. I suggest to let go of all that, letting go is most effective, and any kind of clinging will by definition perpetuate the addiction. I dont think that intentionally fantasizing will help you with “sorting away thoughts from your mind”. The thoughts will come anyways, but if they come randomly they come with the intention for you to cling to them and thus perpetuate the addiction. This is why most cravings come in your weakest moments, when you have the most potential to give into them and keep the addiction alive. In these moments you must let go. Let go at all costs, you must ultimately let go of all of it in order for the addiction to be trancended @youngshinzen

Everytime you get s fantasy or an urge, dont brace yourself, go assault mode. Attack the fantasy or craving with awareness and see through it, see it for what it is in the body and the mind and observe it die. Kill it, do it. @youngshinzen @Vitamine Water