Hi everyone, new to the forum although I have been following Leo's work for about a year now. It is an invaluable resource. I am new to personal development.
I will briefly outline how I came to be in this position and I will try to keep this as brief as possible although it will be difficult to articulate everything.
I am a 23 year old male from a 1st world, western country who is paralysed in life (socially, career wise, emotionally, financially etc etc) and seemingly unable to move forward.
It's important to note my awareness has risen a LOT over the past year and I am well aware that I am 100% responsible for me being in the situation I am, even if it isn't my fault per se.
I am aware that my personality, thoughts, emotions, physical body etc are not essentially me. And I am aware I create my own suffering as we all do. I logically know what I must do to proceed in life ( sort of ) but I think my emotions or rather my unprocessed emotional traumas are stopping this and keeping me playing out reactive repetitive self destructive behaviours.
I am no longer ignorant, but my actions suggest I still am. By action I mean lack of action really.
I want to give you a bit more background info now. So please bare with me. (if you are still reading thank you so much I am very, very grateful)
I have survived severe depression over a number of years, the first couple of which were characterized by daily suicidal thoughts and extremely low levels of fuctioning. (Often just drinking water, urinating and ruminating)
Social isolation and an inability to confide in my family compounded this and did lasting damage to my psyche. I have only worked for 12-16 months in my life and have had zero connection with others outsids the family since leaving school. (although school merely kept this fact hidden)
When I first became severely depressed I was in college and working part time and I felt at the time the cause of the depression was falling behind and extreme anxiety over my future. (which I undoubtedly had)
I discovered later I had lived my whole life with very high anxiety constant since childhood aswell as in a continuous fearful state. I realise my depression was inevitable regardless of what the "reason" would be.
I realise I am totally limited by my own fear, primarily a deeply ingrained fear of being judged. This keeps me from meeting new people or getting out there in general.
In the past year I have discovered mindfulness and the truth about the nature of reality around us. (Conceptual understanding only)
An example of something I now know to be the case would be:
I realise that if people are continually tending to be rude to me, its me, I am giving of a vibe due to my past conditioning that may invite this.
I feel I need to jump in to the freezing, icy pool of life. I have hid in my comfort zone (depression and anxiety - paradoxically a comfort zone) for a long time and haven't even tipped my toes in the water.
My life these days consists of swallowing anti depressants (which I know first hand to be unfathomably bad things - which again paradoxically were once necessary to keep me alive) and living with a constant unease and a deep sense something is wrong inside me.
Depression is not my problem, but rather a consequence of not being truly myself or living the life I should be living.
I can feel something in my body also. I have a tension in the upper body that when I first noticed it I realised I have always had it. Its like I am emotionally and spiritually broken.
The only thing that is 100% the most important for me to do now is meditation, self inquiry and the "jumping into the pool of life" component but I can't seem to do any. There is a part of me that wants to stay miserable and I cant defeat it.
I am seeking any advice here. Just a reply would be incredible. Just chime in please with your best advice. I am very socially isolated and would greatly appreciate advice on how to build a social circle from literally nothing. I don't even have social anxiety primarily it is more of a knock on result of my emotional issues. The real me is funny, charming and kind. Its just no one finds out
I look forward to any replies, have a blessed day.
Charles
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