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With that logic you should stop washing yourself because it takes time and doesn't have as much value as enlightenment.

If you become enlightened will you still consider sex to be a distraction?

Ability to take decisions that you won't regret.

I could only manage 20 minutes. Here are my effects: Spasms in the wrists, they became really locked closer to the end Spasms in the face muscles Little spasms in the body, like I'm a little epileptic Noisy extremities Euphoria Better appreciation of music, I was literally crying because of the music that I used in the background Relief in the inner emotional tension, also manifested as crying (I can relatively easily trigger tears lately so it's not very unusual) Reduction in fatigue Better concentration Laughter, when I finished I just couldn't stop laughing for a couple of minutes, it felt like as if your bicycle started turning left when you turn the helm right, kind of laughing because of the confusion and something unexpected but not threatening, this laughter was felt throughout my body, my whole body was shaking a little It seems that it created an ego backlash, although I also meditated a lot during the last week so it's hard to say what exactly caused the backlash (addiction relapses, depression etc), I also was a little manic couple hours after the breathwork

I spent the day indulging my addictions. I completely returned to the old homeostasis. It seems that this has happened because of too much meditation during last week, I unconsciously became too excited about it. Also I forgot to mention that I tried shamanic breathing technique yesterday and it most likely contributed to backlash either. Anyways now I feel that I'm restored and can go on. Tomorrow I will skip the breakfast and eat only after 19:00. I need to clean my system from all the crap that I ate today and yesterday. Also I won't meditate longer than one hour a day for a week or two (I meditated today BTW).

Didn't have internet access for 2 days. It was temporary, it returned at night and was quite shitty. The next day I spent mostly in the bed, I felt like I'm totally painted into the corner, I couldn't effort and I couldn't give up, like every single inch of my mind is tightly tied. But closer to the evening I felt the drive to sit and meditate again. At first I sat 1 hour, then 3 more in one sit. It was surprisingly good. I practiced thought observation and self-inquiry. To the end of 3h sit I had almost zero thoughts. At this point I started repeating the word "infinite" in my mind like a mantra and trying to grasp what is the difference when this word sounds and when there is nothing. Eventually I noticed that when I say the word in my mind I have not just the imaginary audio representation of it, but also an imaginary sensation of the movement of tongue and vibrating of the chest, like a full mental model of the actual speaking. When I realized that I was able to hear the word without these imaginary feelings and with, I could differentiate the components of the self, the imaginary "me" that is saying that was deconstructed. When I realized that the sense of self became an experience, like a thought, I could stop this experience like I can do with thoughts, not suppress, but give up/let go, just like thoughts disappear when you notice them this sense of "I" stops. I was fusing with this emptiness that is left when you give up your sense of "I", trying to let go more and more, but then the intense discomfort arose and I stood up from the chair 1 minute earlier than the timer rings. Today I practiced one hour of self-inquiry in form of thought observation. After this hour I just couldn't stop questioning my design, what am I really? I was so desperate and utterly frustrated because I finally sincerely understand everything that enlightenment is not, there is just a complete disappointment in any possible idea. Every single cell of my body was screaming for the ultimate answer. If nothing is a container for everything then everything and nothing is not different. Otherwise nothing would be something and this something has to be contained, then, again, what is the container? You might think that you are an observer that sees everything but this is just a silly duality. This idea creates the separation of everything versus observation, thus creating "something" in form of observation, then, again, what contains observation and everything else? Where those two take place? Shut the fuck up. I relapsed my nofap and diet today.

I asked the question just to give you an idea that you may be wrong about what enlightenment is, it may be completely, utterly not what you intuitively think it is. Many spiritual teachers recommend to disregard your spiritual experiences because true enlightenment leaves you with no doubt, until then you have to rigorously doubt everything that you experience. "You are not enlightened until you are fucking enlightened." - Leo Gura. Speaking of genetic contribution to enlightenment: I guestimate that it's mostly the case, more than environment. Imagine the first ever human that had the first ever enlightenment experience on Earth. There was no teaching at that time, it just spontaneously happened to him. Also up to this day many people wake up not even knowing what enlightenment is until it happens to them. It's a natural process. Look at the Buddha, he lived in a palace, all his needs were satisfied and yet he had inner conflict that moved him toward investigation, it's ingrained in our bodies, there's never enough.

How do you know if all that you have experienced is even 1% towards true awakening?

5 hours of do-nothing today. Backlash is solved. Week agenda: Nofap: I guess I was wrong about quitting it cold turkey, emotional challenge is too heavy. Although I can say two things: 1) I relapsed with porn for the last two times, I will make a day counter for noporn, I unconsciously justified the use of it again, I need to take this seriously, because the addiction is mostly built around visual stimulation, and I unconsciously thought that I managed nofap and "ok just once" LOL, it's unbelievable how much I bullshit myself again, I also used porn couple times in my previous resets and thought that that's OK. 2) I can extend the streaks to 6 days and reset only one time at the last day. I noticed that last two relapses created some anxiety sensations and laziness. I didn't read the mission statement yesterday and today just out of laziness. And I forgot to apply the LARDCC, I unconsciously disregarded the reminder in my habit tracker. I will keep reporting about the application of LARDCC.

And got an ego backlash. Cried in depression yesterday before sleep and couldn't meditate more than one hour today. On the second sit I just jumped (literally) from the chair because of another wave of intense anger and felt like I'm about to break the fucking chair against the wall. Also relapsed the diet and nofap (day 6).

I meditated 5 hours and spend the day exactly like I planned. I used the LARDCC technique today to make myself meditate. Visualization of the result is the shit.

Didn't use the internet until now and have done what was postponing for weeks. Will keep that. Although I didn't memorize about the anti-procrastination technique again. Which means that my doing was quite mindless.

Fuck. I guess I just didn't notice how much my internet addiction worsened again. I spent most of the day mindlessly lurking. I will add a reminder for tomorrow morning to only use internet for this journal. Other habits are ok.

Not necessarily, the idea is to sit and face the discomfort until it doesn't bother you. Long motionless sitting alone without any technique can calm you down, AND you can use the technique as well to get even better results. I concentrated on the discomfort most of the time, I did hundreds of 1.5h sits and dozens of 3h-long over the last couple of years. Minfulness by Shinzen Young. See what the word vipassana means, it explains the whole idea. That's why I linked in my previous post to the video that explains sensory categories of sensations. Looking for perfect plan for meditation is like asking "what clothes should I wear for the next 6 months". Basically, byproduct of practicing any legitimate technique includes all what you mentioned, and more. You just need to practice it long enough and diligent enough to make it work. Then you choose what works best from all that you made to work. Incase you want fast results see this.

The crap is still scattering me. I was surfing the internet on the phone before I got out of bed for couple of hours, I meditated only after the breakfast. I've just realized I judge myself for this and focus on bad. So what's good about today? I didn't relapse diet and nofap. I meditated two times. I exercised. Several months ago I couldn't do even that most of the time. I tried focusing on the energy block, then, in the second sit, I concentrated, and I feel like concentration works way better. I just can't keep track of the tension in my body consistently, because it changes a lot and moves. Emotions either. But breath stays the same and it's easy to spot if you are distracted from it. I have a habit of thinking that everything is shit and nothing works, that I need to get somewhere where everything is perfect. But there is really no destination. There will always be some problem that needs to be resolved. And the problem is that I like to make problems. I judge circumstances, but they are not under my control, all I can do is respond to the best of my ability. There is really no point to fight any situation. Everything is exactly as it has to be. I forgot to write the week agenda: I relapsed a lot last week, but this week meditation, nofap and diet are getting better, I aim to keep that. My work on procrastination is off, I will keep reporting about that.

Addictions - strong determination sitting works for me. In my opinion that's how equinimity is build in a nutshell, you sit and suffer until you don't give a fuck anymore. Disconnection from other people - that's a topic of emotional healing. You need to discover why you feel disconnected. Maybe your parents treated you in a cold manner? Maybe you believe people are gonna judge you if you open up? Maybe you have a belief that connection is something silly? Or maybe you're a little depressed all the time? In order to notice your neurotic patterns of behaviour/thinking/emotions you need to meditate on your thoughts and emotions to increase self-awareness, it can be done using vipassana technique. Don't get trapped by the search of perfect plan, give yourself several days to study techniques and then just commit to chosen one for at least a couple of months. Most of what you've mentioned works, otherwise those technologies wouldn't be alive for several millenia, the question is what suits you best and are you willing to find out for yourself. Don't rely on people's opinions. Learn, practice, see if it works for you, repeat. People may be wrong and give useless advice. If you want a tangible progress say in a year that will motivate you to meditate more you're looking for like 1 hour a day practice.

My habits are good today but I spent the day doing stuff unconsciously. I haven't done anything productive. Fatigue is still present and it's actually the reason why I haven't done anything, it's scattering me that I can't even come up with a plan of what to do. Although I understood that I need to spend more time getting conscious several times a day, just stopping and do nothing for several minutes. I feel like I felt in the middle of the first nofap streak of this journal, weird. I will try to emphasize planning tomorrow to have an idea how will I spend the day, and use anti-procrastination technique, I didn't even memorize it today. I changed the meditation technique and meditate on a chosen negative emotion, it seems to work better.

I relapsed nofap as hard as it was before the day one of this journal. I was very fatigued all day long and struggled with libido, I spend most of my day in bed. Relapse made me even more fatigued. I just avoid the emotional labor and run away from the sensation of fatigue, it's so sneaky and hard to notice and surrender. I didn't meditate today but I ate healthy. I will try to get back on track with everything tomorrow and finish my vision. Also I will try to quit fappin for good, I'm avoiding the pain of withdrawals and bullshiting myself that I need to fap occasionally.

I did yoga and meditation in the morning. I woke up with an intense unconscious force of attention scatter, I had a bunch of incomplete chaotic thoughts and felt totally confused, it took me over an hour in bed to get relatively conscious. I still was too confused to practice concentration and I watched the energy block in my head (tension) instead. It eventually lost a lot of it's power and spread all over my body and became impatience. Very similar stuff a guy posted here, experience that happens to me looks exactly like his description, shaking, bending etc. I tried to do exposure to cold in the bath today (water t. probably around 5C). First time I managed to stay underwater for only around 10 seconds then violently got up, during the second immersion I tried to relax, first 10 seconds were hell and I was just freaking out inside my head and breathing like I'm having an orgasm, then I relaxed and felt very peaceful for another 10 seconds, but when those last ten seconds were over I stood up violently again because I felt like my legs got so numb that they are about to shake in seizure. I felt some relief, but it lasted only 10 minutes and wasn't too drastic, because the exposure wasn't intense enough. I wish I could keep practicing and improving that (it's a bunch of fun, for sure) but it clearly awakened my rapid urination problem that I had when I fapped a lot and I have to stop. I relapsed my diet today, heavily again. No problem! I mean, really, I have to stop beating myself for relapses and even love myself, fail is inevitable, and it's a sign that I work on myself and learn how to not relapse. Period. Nofap ok (day 2). I had a scandal with my stepfather again, he has shown some good will which was a trap and just an another masked insecurity, dammit, I really reacted again, he clearly doesn't deserve a second chance. Although it helped me to release a portion of an energy block when the situation was over, it made me aware of the anger underneath then I managed to release it. I didn't work on my vision today, there was too much of everything, but tomorrow I will, I have some interesting ideas.

@moon777light Heyyy, thank you This winter was indeed harsh

I did everything. I worked on my Mission Statement and almost finished the first rough version, I will add a motivation habit in my habit tracker and do it every day after meditation.

I slept zero hours at night and then relapsed everything, then slept. I didn't meditate or look for job, I spent some money for an unnecessary food. I realized that I have no vision. I realized that I half-ass the job search, enlightenment and self-development work. I realized that I'm running from the pain of effort. I realized that I created the victim identity that I identify with. I realized that I take very little responsibility for my life. I realized that I chase comfort that makes me stuck. I realized that I think I know to much and achieved something. I realized that I have no goals. I realized that I'm an arrogant fuck. I forgot that I'm not immortal. I realized that my life isn't charged enough. God fucking dammit how the fuck could I bullshit myself so much again. Tomorrow I will get up, meditate, proceed a goal that I came up with for my job search and then spend the rest of the day working on the stuff that I realized. Also, I will skip the breakfast.

My impatience is incredible, I don't know what to do with it, it scatters my attention heavily, and sometimes it turns into depression, maybe that's a Kundalini Syndrome but I don't know, I just feel like there is tension in my head and it travels and changes. Other than that everything is ok, I didn't procrastinate today and finished what I planned.

Everything is ok today except for procrastination. I couldn't concentrate today at all and after an hour of concentration I had to do do-nothing and release a little bit the tension that I have in my body. After that I cried hopelessly in bed because of the depression that arose. I can't be here and now at all today. I did some productive stuff today and it helped me to ground myself a little bit.

I woke up with an unconscious and very intense craving. I relapsed nofap multiple times (also one time yesterday after the last post), I relapsed the diet as hard as I didn't relapse it for weeks, I was eating deserts until I got tired and had to digest the crap for an hour in the bed before I could do something. None of that helped with the craving, I still want to stuff myself with something. I spend the day doing random stuff chaotically (mostly internet surfing) except for meditation. It's done and there's no way back, no point to regret it because it won't change shit. But there's a point to learn from that and the lesson is that if you think "I can't abstain from X" you are hooked, WAKE UP, no one makes you go and do the X, and the X is not gonna help with the craving, it will only make another portion of the damage of some sort. I learned a yoga posture and tried to hold it several times. It gives plausible sensations and grounds you because it takes focus to hold it right. I will practice yoga 30 min every day now formally before meditation. Meditation alone is very slow tool for emotional healing. I didn't use planning, anti-procrastination technique and focusing on the tasks today. I will do that tomorrow right after breakfast.