Privet

The job was postponed by tomorrow by the boss. I spent most of the day in bed in depression/withdrawals/heaviness trying to surrender to it. There's some weird thing happened to me for another time. I was lying in bed aware of the emotional type sensation of impatience in my body, it's kind of mixed with depression/heaviness and it is also connected to the sensation of pressure/energy inside my head, as the pressure moves and changes so do emotions, their intensity and flow. At some point this energy in the head started scoping to the third eye area accompanied by the feeling like something is about to happen, then it suddenly spreads all over my body and I feel some relief and become a little more aware. I have a pet theory that these energetic experiences are related to something aligning in the neuron connections, since our nervous system is like a huge graph. Like a bunch of little magnets would align themselves with the magnet field. Diet is still off. I feel like I beat myself too much here, when I write how I relapsed something I feel guilty. Or when I think how I ignored a goal that I set for myself. My discipline sucks big time and I need to accept that and not beat myself for that, because it doesn't serve me at all, it only contributes to more relapse. The next two days I will stay where I will work. I will meditate before I'm gonna sleep, not in the morning, cause I need to get up early.

Diet = relapsed. I had a job interview that I didn't planned and I didn't have an opportunity to eat for a long time so when I was getting back home I bought some unhealthy shit. Also it seems that two hours of meditation today gave me a little backlash, although at the second one I felt so peaceful and managed to concentrate very vividly on my breath sensations inside nostrils. I spent some time on reminders today. And I will tomorrow. I intend to get up earler tomorrow to have time to meditate because I have another one time job. No opportunity to finish 3 hour a day endeavor.

No any relapse today. Meditated 3 hours. Forgetfulness is such a problem, really. I still ignore half of my reminders. I look at reminder that reminds about being aware of procrastination and I unconsciously act as though either I already remember it (but in practice I don't) or that it's something unimportant although I defined that it's important. I will remember for tomorrow to look at reminders in the morning and remember that things that they remind of are important and will journal that I did it.

6 days of fappin, I drained myself completely. It happened just as it happened hundreds of times before. Ego dramatizes everything, "oh, you're so poor, let's get a little high, then we'll stop". It's so damn sneaky, all that self-sabotaging goes almost completely unnoticed. It's remarkable how tricky a justification can be to just avoid pain one more time, despite that it actually only delays and miltiplies pain. Last two times I relapsed because I let myself fantasize, then I got lost in those fantasies and become so unconscious that there was no doubt do I masturbate or not. I had extremely intense wave of depression today. I can't express it in words, I just spent 30 minutes in bed crying so so so hopelessly. I should get back to journaling. I can't go deeper in this pain spiral. Goals for now: • To not delay meditation and do it before breakfast • Meditate 3 hours a day till Sunday • My fungus on the foot is back, probably it's because of shit ton of wheat and sugar that I ate during last 2 weeks. I also noticed a certain flavor of fatigue that feels like it felt before I started the diet. So it's a good motivation to stop eating that crap again. Also I will fast tomorrow as long as I can. • To overcome fap cravings, they will be harder since I'm back to old homeostacis for so many days in a row. • To not skip journaling.

Sounds like you: 1) have low self-esteem 2) are a perfectionist and afraid to fail 3) comparing yourself to others too much

@Azote I believe workaholism is a consequence of good inspiring vision and passion for the field. One day you sit and paint for an hour or two just for fun, another day, then you can't stop because it's so rewarding, the process of learning and creating. Of course very often you have to apply discipline, but it's not the core thing, it's just a tool to keep things stable and consistent, workaholism and discipline alone won't make you happy with your work, that's the whole point, not the results, although they are important either.

Dunno what that means. 10.000 / 12 = 833 days, do you plan to become world class within 3 years? I believe this pace is able to make anyone very miserable very fast.

@Azote I wish I could do that much I only managed to maintain so much work on my LP for half a year, then I became so exhausted that I just had to switch fully to taking care of my neurosis and health issues. Then I finally understood that it's way more important than LP.

Is your work ethics really what you think it is or is it just a neurotic masturbation to cover some itch in your psyche?

Fuck. I relapsed everything. I spent first half of the day applying coping skills and I still relapsed. I feel totally defeated, the cravings are so powerful. I think it's because of the spring, my hunger is insane. There was so much relapse during last two weeks, I can't fucking get back on track.

Back on track with diet and nofap. I've had a very hard time with cravings for food today, I had to force myself to not go and buy some sweet bakery, I could barely sit still. I also meditated 3 hours (1 x 3), two of which I spent witnessing the cravings. It was very satisfying to realize that I managed to sit through cravings until they're not that disturbing anymore. I still forget to work on procrastination. I perceive reminder as though it's something unimportant and it stays for the whole day without attention. I think the problem is that I unconsciously perceive it as too much work. In order to reduce the amount of work I will reduce "Label, Analyze, Realize, Divide, Conquer, Celebrate" to just "Label" and notice how I procrastinate.

Two days of work with little sleep gave me another massive backlash. I didn't meditate and journal yesterday. I relapse diet and nofap 3 days in a row. I feel like crap again. I have no idea how am I gonna work a consistent job. I was so depressed today I wanted to crush something.

Nothing today. Except that I got very tired on the job and relapsed the diet a little. I woke up early as I wanted.

I have one time job today and tomorrow. No opportunity to relapse anything + I meditated in the morning. I have a goal for tomorrow: to wake up early, meditate and finish the job earlier to go to nature in the place where I work.

Perfect day.

@LiakosN Who doesn't know? Who is aware of the thought "I don't know"? Who is witnessing "I"?

@LiakosN Since the higher self doesn't exist who else can meditate except ego? The higher self is the consciousness of the ego meditating. When you pay attention, who is aware of that process? Who is aware of the intention to focus? Who is aware of the sense of "I meditate"?

Diet still sucks. I was fighting with insane cravings today, they're not for food but for anything stimulating, and they are so fucking intense, like all stuff that is addictive has a powerful gravity that my mind is being affected by. I ate a bunch of shit again and felt like shit. I have to get back on track, I need to cheer myself up again because I'm sick of feeling like crap. Learning happened, yo. "YES YOU CAN, PRIVET!" - That cheerleader gal (I didn't even have a hug for 3 years, I'm so fucking lonely ) I don't do self-compassion practice. I completely forgot about procrastination problem. Internet addiction is back. Nothing related to vision and motivation work. Nofap and meditation are good though. So the agenda for the next week is to stay on track and watch how fulfilling that is, for now I've lost it.

What comes after labeling? Savoring, when you notice and label something the next thing you do is you perceive it directly with your awareness. So instead of labeling multiple times the same thing you can just intensely and vividly perceive it until the next thing comes.

You are lost in philosophy, the answer is way simpler and it is happening to you right now, no need for endless word masturbation. Where do your thoughts take place when you read this sentence? When you hear the voice of your mind, what is that "you" that is hearing?

Enlightenment is not about destroying your "I", it's about realizing what is conscious of that "I" and that "I" is just a temporary distinction for communicative purposes.

There is no such thing as meditation coming from ego or higher self. Learn several definitions of the word ego, try to really understand what that word means when spiritual people use it. Learn the word non-duality (that's what higher self means) as well. Then you will understand that your question makes no sense.

What I discovered in my life is that I have to give up those imposed inauthentic "I have to become X" and start looking for joy and inspiration in life, follow what my gut tells me. This shit is hella scary and may leave you with nothing for several years before you find your direction. You can't rely on anyone's opinion about this, this is a really bad idea. Noone can tell you what feels right for you. I recommend to watch those videos.

Try to cut all tea and coffee for one week, for the fairness of experiment drink only water instead. I was drinking tea and thought it doesn't contain much caffeine, but when I stopped drinking it I all of a sudden started falling asleep better, I've had really bad insomnia, couldn't fall asleep even if I don't sleep all night. Then I tried to start drinking tea again and had an instant insomnia right at the day that I drank it. I did this experiment two times and both times insomnia was back. Also I noticed that I get sleepy when I do this self-acceptance practice. Especially if I am able to make myself cry and feel emotional.

Nofap ok, diet not ok, I ate only after 19.00 but I ate a lot and not a good stuff, I really regret it because it caused an intense weakness. I had something like a panic attack at night, I guess it's caused by nofap relapse, I had them before at the beginning of this journal.