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Well… I underestimated how great the job will work to help me with nofap and other addictions. I underestimated the amount of butthurt I have to go through to get back to society, but I guess I'm pretty much okay now. It was VERY difficult, I was pissed off again and again because of the various reasons, that I'm weird, that I'm afraid of people, sensitive, tired, care too much what people think of me, can't get up in time and so on. One thing I noticed is that because I was away from people for a long time I became very sensitive because of that spiritual la-la land. Everyone are so nice here on this forum and in other places related to spirituality but when you go in real life noone is even aware of how they hurt you. Although at the same time people now seem a lot less evil since I became less evil myself and there's a lot more nice people than I might think. A good trick is that anytime you annoy anyone - congratulations, they have seen their own reflection in you. Don't take it seriously, sometimes what they have seen is only about them, not you. If you get annoyed by them or their freak out, well… There is a single hottie here that was teaching me some job related stuff and she was so damn kind and loving to me during that, it was like an unintentional psychotherapy session, I just melted, hello good mother. But I guess I have zero chances for her attention as a women because she's way more independent than me. I'm way better than at home but still fucked up, fireworks in life don't exist, not in the future, not after some achievement, not when you solve some problem, nowhere, you're ultimately fucked up. Ouch.

@taleen Thank you!

They called me and I get that tourist guide job, fuk yeh. I will be guiding people in the forests, mountains and caves. I didn't meditate for several days and I feel like my reality is very surreal. I'm still mostly bedridden and can't do shit. Although I noticed an interesting thing: when I talk to people this shit passess a lot. I feel it's fun to talk to them because it's like you poke someone, they poke you back and you know, that flow of interaction, the infinite play of pokes. I guess that's because I have been alone in my cave too much. Looking forward to what the job will bring.

Thanks guys! @Azote Hope you memorized the recipe while I was cooking.

I only did nofap and diet. I tried to meditate but I only could handle 35 minutes laying in the bed and suffering badly. I experience a lot of weird subtle nervous tics. Sometimes my fingers shake, sometimes I feel like I'm about to feel a seizure and energy all over my body flows towards my head. My third eye feels very tensed. I suppose this is what happens. It's just a more subtle version of what I experienced when I meditated more in winter. I have slightly higher body temperature for over a week and I am not sure about the reason. I spent most of the day in bed feeling like shit. I don't know what to do, I just can't handle myself and don't know where to get help or is there even any help I can get. It doesn't feel like WOO ALL WORLD IS ABOUT TO COLLAPSE, I'm okay, but I just feel very weak, anytime I try to do anything I feel tense, especially in my head.

@Azote Also I apologize for the way I have chosen to deliver my criticism to you. Even though I still consider it to be fair and constructive the way I told you this was just nuts considering your current situation. I know exactly how much it hurts because I've gone through it at the precisely same age with the very similar circumstances and sorry, my bad, I didn't recognize that resentful sensitive me in you, I let my inner asshole to misbehave in the most inappropriate time.

@Azote Couple years ago when I was very resentful at my life and was blocking all my friends and thought everyone around are against me I was watching videos of this dude and I felt good about myself. His videos don't provide you with a lot of intellectual insights but he is really able to make you feel that you are OK when everything is wrong as fuck and there seems to be no light in the end of the tunnel. So maybe you should try, dunno it it will work.

I didn't get the job, they have found a professional translator. I'll call to an another place tomorrow. I haven't been forcing myself to do anything for couple of weeks and I guess I finally get bored of it. I feel peaceful and don't judge myself at all for being lazy giant tumor that stimulates itself wherever it can, God bless this lazy tumor. It feels like I have to get back on track with my efforts because it's just boring. I developed a full blown tolerance to all my favorite categories of porn and I'm like "it's just people fucking, meh" and I'm running out of money to buy biscuit rolls and cigarettes. I am sick of the very early sunrise, the night is short in my area, even if I get up at like 11-12 it still feels like it's 4 PM. I will set a goal to get to bed early every day. Also I started using my dark cover for window again, it turned out it's way more useful in the summer, I feel better when I wake up in darkness, although it feels a bit weird like you have awoken somewhere in the storeroom and don't get what the fuck is going on, LOL. I skipped meditation a lot, this was the hardest one to not judge myself about it but I guess I managed. The goals are: Nofap Diet Sleep schedule Meditation (in the morning - important) Smoking Procrastination Diligent tracking/journaling/analyzing I'm so glad my healthy self-esteem gets better and better and other people are less and less able to impose their immature view of the reality on me when they're wrong, cuz I kno what the fuk is going on here. Although I should not try to challenge someone's la-la land that is not ready to collapse yet and pretend that I'm white and fluffy and shit with bubbles of love, because judging immaturity is not OK. Meow. Current mood.

Yes, that definitely was a bunch of projections of my own insecurities. Fuck that non-sense. Couple days ago I had a profound insight into the nature of my shadow. I was crying several hours at night and then understood that my issues with my mother are still not resolved, at that moment I thought of how much I still hate her. Partially that was caused because she tried to trigger me recently, I didn't react but later as I was memorizing that and realizing how I feel about her I tried to analyze our relationships and could finally compile a bigger picture. She is selfish and narcissistic. Those are her ways to control or abuse me or just selfishness: Blaming, shaming Comparing me to someone who is "better" Not talking to me when I did something she thinks is not OK Trying to impose her opinion as an absolute truth Not being able to admit her fault when it's obvious Never care about my opinion Buying things and always saying that this will only happen if I will behave the way she wants Not loving me This is what it caused: Blaming, shaming - always thinking I'm not good enough, being too sensitive when people abuse me, not having healthy boundaries, being afraid to fail, being a perfectionist. trying to feel superior to other people by abusing them and so on Comparing me to someone who is "better" - looking for someone who is better than me in some field and then feel ashamed of myself Not talking to me when I did something she thinks is not OK - thinking something is wrong with me when someone doesn't respond for some random reason (aka overthinking) or false interpretation of the emotions of others, I think they're mad at me when they're actually neutral Trying to impose her opinion as an absolute truth - being stubborn and defensive when people try to tell their opinion Not being able to admit her fault when it's obvious - thinking that it's my fault when it's not Never care about my opinion - me being afraid to share my opinion or imposing my opinion on someone (overcompensation) Buying things and always saying that this will only happen if I will behave the way she wants - being ashamed to get help from others, feeling ashamed when people give me gifts Not loving me - seeking love in every damn woman I get along with and falling in love with them quickly, being needy After reading this article it like fucking exploded. I finally understood the very root of my deepest emotional wounds. Before I was kinda like "yeah my parents blamed me and I get that and it will go away because I become aware of it and blah-blah-blah" and I didn't understand the details and how much they actually matter. At first I thought that I have to drop all contact with her as soon as I can. But I guess it's not necessary, she tries to change. Even though her attempts look pathetic and she will never completely recover still it's better than some other mothers. She did the best she can regarding her own emotional wounds and genetics. Now this story is finally at home and doesn't bother me, hopefully I wont think much about this anymore. I got addicted to her because I tried to experience the "good mother": a concept that is mentioned in the article I linked in the previous paragraph. I couldn't stand the lack of communication because it reminded me of the lack of communication with my mother and I projected on her the image of mother that gets mad at me. The thing that actually "was off" is that she embodies similar insecurities and it triggers me. Especially that she is as stubborn as I was when I was younger. That she's like my mother that often completely ignores the subject and only responds to something she finds offensive. The thing that is recommended in the article to heal the trauma is to experience the "good mother" over and over again with some other women until it exhausts itself like a joke that doesn't make you laugh anymore. I think I need a woman that will let me cry on her shoulder *joke about a mature prostitute*. I think it will resolve partially because of the awareness and meditation and partially if I will manage to find a girlfriend that will not freak the shit out because of my neediness, but I guess it's incredibly difficult to find such a girl since very little people understand the emotional healing and are healed themselves enough to understand that this is the best thing you can give to a man - let him be weak. Even if I will not show how needy I am and will get a girlfriend I still will secretly want to cry on her shoulder like an offended child. Until awareness alone will heal it, but it takes time. Also I suppose that this is connected to my addictions, I guess that's why many addicts are pathological narcissists, everybody needs love and if you don't get it in the most important stage of the development of your psyche - first 6 years of your life - you start to crave for pleasure and try to get it anywhere you can: alcohol, drugs, sex, admiration, success, power. Even when I think of those traumas I feel a shift in the energy in my body and cravings, it goes away a bit everytime I make myself cry. Maybe I should start to write pathetic songs about love like this to utilize my weaknesses I passed an interview for a tourist guide, if I win this summer job is going to be amazing. Waiting if the boss hits me to go or not. There was a communication check on the interview. She asked to meet several random people on the street. I did that, first two scared the shit out of me, I was like "HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I THOUGHT PICK-UP WAS A BAD IDEA", and after two people I FUCKING LIKED THAT! It was such a pleasure to realize that I overcame this fear, at least for that moment.

I wanna try to quit this forum for a while and see if I have a desire to get back, because: I'm sick of talking about enlightenment, I want to actually experience it. The map is not the territory, but people still are too attached to bullshitting about things that have to be experienced. Or bullshitting about their experience rather than being too busy experiencing it. I can't watch Leo's videos anymore. It's like watching the same movie again and again. I'm bored of intellectual masturbation and want to see the shine of enlightenment in his eyes and his behavior but it doesn't happen. (I don't mean to demonize him for this, but I don't get motivated to meditate by the intellectual insights anymore, people who embody it seem way more inspiring. I've had enough of Leo's content.) I'm getting sick of the personal development cult. Even though its final goal is enlightenment it's still full of shit, I'm talking about the atmosphere around it. The biggest issue is that you think that you need to gain something to be happy by some hard work. But the truth is that you need to exhaust the desire to gain anything whatsoever and only then you'll be truly happy. The happiest moments are those when you don't feel you lack anything. Also there's some narcissism around it: "LOOK! WE ARE DEVELOPING OURSELVES! WE'RE INTO GROWTH BRO! LOOK HOW AMAZING THAT IS! YOU GOTTA BE INTO GROWTH TOO!". My desire to whore for attention slowly vanishing. This journal (and forum also) feels like half-assing. Because 1) if you want to create some value for people you'd better start a blog or write a book or make a video 2) if you want to have quality written reflections you'd better have a private journal 3) if you want to be accountable you need tangible input from other that really gives a shit about your accountability accord for some reason 4) connecting to other people via forum is like masturbation compared to sex, forum (any forum) is essentially made for pure practicality and this practicality is better found in books and YouTube and practice 'cause most of the people here are beginners, human connection is better when you can see who you're talking to, their eyes, their emotions, their behavior, it's incredibly important. I just don't feel like being here anymore. Disregard all that, I might be just wrong and have some weird temporary impulse. See you!

I've just almost managed to completely surrender the self. Then the timer beeped. Heart was pumping again. I laughed a little bit. I was going deeper into nothingness and it was so fascinating, dammit, I probably will earn some money to feed myself to meditate more for couple of months and not work. Also, my digestive system starts working better in those moments. It certainly was the case with my first enlightenment experience 4 years ago, I precisely remember how I felt a very healthy sense of hunger afterwards. It feels like intestine muscles relax or move digested stuff easier. I don't know what exactly happens. But I certainly feel something is getting better inside Nofap and diet ok, smoking not ok. It's very inconveniently to make a proper list of goals from mobile.

I have finally digested those fucking biscuit rolls with milk. Jeez. Fuck wheat and sugar. Fuck daily fappin. I'm back to journaling from tomorrow. Also as I finish my work in the coming days I plan to meditate a lot when I'm at home. I've had another hour of deep self-inquiry today.

@tsuki I regret it because I relapsed my addictions because I let myself being lazy and not do emotional labour to overcome cravings, then I get miserable spiraling down because I can't get enough, this shit has to stop. Regret doesn't drive me back to practices. I have just had 1 hour of amazing meditation that humbled the shit out of me and resolved 80% of my inner conflict. This is what drives me. I want to surrender my self, because it feels so damn liberating. Look at this video. At 2.03 he talks about what I'm shooting for right now. For the last 3 meditations I managed to decoagulate the components of self to some degree. It feels so empty and humbling. I want to experience this last stage that he describes: "when those flows... ...STOP... ...and there is.. zero...". I did that before several times, but I only could handle like 2 seconds, then I just break into intense laughter and it distracts me. Looks like regret? https://youtu.be/Hfw_tHC0A9w

@tsuki I tried to follow your advice and on the second day (today) I can clearly see that I regret it. This is not the case, I already understand that. I already did that too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdSmN_s4jHY Maybe we misunderstood each other, but it's not necessary to stop running to stop struggling. That's why Adyashanti says in this video "to not struggle doesn't mean to not pay attention.. ..let go of struggle is very very very engaged thing to do".

Not much, but yes. I spent fall of 2017 pacing through the city like 10-20 kilometers a day and not trying to do anything productive except meditation. I find this idea attractive. To try to give up everything for a week or two and do anything I want and see what's coming out of that.

But I think this difference is important. You can run as fast as you can and be all tense and tight inside, or you can just run as fast as you can. The second one is kind of effortless effort, or you can call it "effort of the body without effort of the mind". When you run very fast your mind craves to get to the destination instead if just running fast, that's why you get tense, because it's meaningless to crave for the destination, reality will stay the same, you will only run as fast as you run. My question was: do you mean to stop running or to just run without getting tense? Yeah, sure. There's a lot of utility in my craziness. I find it very useful when I am depressed as fuck, I imagine that this is the end, I start crying and it feels very liberating, very similar to what I experience in a deep meditation session when I manage to get very silent and surrender my ego.

I relapsed everything except meditation. I guess one fap after 5 days wasn't enough. Also I suppose that even after 4 days it won't be enough. So the new rule for nofap is "2 times a day every 4 days". I even had to prematurely stop working and get home because I was very weak and stupid to work because of the intense depression. I jogged 3 times, every time I jogged I was observing how I feel afterwards and I came to a conclusion that I am too exhausted to jog. It doesn't make me feel any better as it did in the previous years. That's why I quit it before. I thought about reminders and here's what I'm gonna do (and I did that because I set a reminder, fuck memory, bwehehe): Vision work: I don't need it, memory of the glimpses in meditation and being sick of misery is a good enough vision. Self-love visualization: I'll keep it. Planning: I guess I need it, which means "plan your day according to the best possible outcome considering your today's state", if I don't do that I get too blurry in my actions. Procrastination: yes, definitely need to keep. I think a good approach would be to be irritated by the notifications and get rid of them by doing what they notify about. And journal each of them. I lost 6 pounds during these 15 days on the diet, today one of my friends noticed that my face became a bit more skinny. I hate to admit that, but I need to start to seriously learn yoga because I need to do something about my energy blocks. But before I do that I promised myself before that I'll finish a book about meditation that I started. I set a goal - to finish it till the end of this week. When I was planning my relapse today I was fantasizing how I won't judge myself because of that, LOL. I'll just keep going. I was in the bus today and realized (maybe not for the first time) that I need to not just accept my weaknesses, but actually love them to death. To love myself being timid, fearful, needy, narcissistic, attention-whoring, stubborn, sensitive, defensive, shameful, preachy, intemperate etc. etc. etc. and treat these qualities with compassion and humor and not take myself too seriously. Meow.

Nofap: yes, 7 days in (2nd day in the 2nd streak), goal - 30 days. Diet: yes, 15 days in, goal - 30 days. No smoking: no, 0 days in, goal - 30 days. Coping skills: no. Meditation: yes, 15 days in, goal - 30 days. I became incredibly depressed on the job and couldn't work anymore, then I practiced 1 hour of self inquiry, it was as deep as it wasn't for over a month. Depression immediately vanished when I started observing my thoughts, and I was pulled by the desire to understand the illusion of self and was very concentrated all hour long. Damn, I suppose my theory that I am depressed because it's a craving for enlightenment proves to be more and more viable (actually I guess I have stolen this idea from Leo, but he only talked about cravings). When I smoke/overeat/fap this craving doesn't go away, when I observe the phenomenon of self it does, I guess it's a craving for observation, or you can call it existential curiosity. I did one more hour of inquiry. Jogging: no opportunity. Set of reminders: no. I'm fucked. I can't wait to finish the job tomorrow and get back home.

@tsuki Hey, thanks! I think that if I would accept my life and decide to live like that forever not much would change because enlightenment is all I give a shit about lately. Everything else is either for that or I'm not serious about it. I shoot for a more ambitious goal - to accept that I am gonna die and disappear, forever. I imagine very often that I am about to die right now, that everything is about to vanish into the void, and there's zero. Last question - it depends on what do you mean by staying still. Do you mean that I argue with reality and should stop struggling against what is? Or do you mean that I should give up all my efforts?

Nofap: yes, 6 days in (1st day in the 2nd streak), goal - 30 days. Diet: yes, 14 days in, goal - 30 days. No smoking: no, 0 days in, goal - 30 days. Still trying to not smoke tomorrow. Coping skills: no. Meditation: yes, 14 days in, goal - 30 days. Although I only could handle 45 minutes cause I'm very fatigued today, clearly because of nofap withdrawals. And I will meditate another 30 minutes a bit later. Jogging: yes. Set of reminders: no, I guess I need to restructure them and journal my thoughts why do I not do them. I'll do it in two days because I work. I notice every time I reset nofap consciously the next day I feel like I'm pumped with a lot of cortisol. And I can't do shit. Hope tomorrow it will get better.

I have identified several mistakes that I keep making lately: 1) I catch materialistic-rationalistic plague from other people and forget that I completely overgrown it. It creates inner conflict because I start to believe that I should be some other way, that I should be doing something else. I deeply sincerely understand that everything is meaningless and being itself is the ultimate meaning, and this is not excuse or avoiding self-development, this is understanding that was derived by deep suffering and this understanding actually is the solution for this suffering. 2) I judge myself for living with parents and not being successful. This is non-sense because: A) I am sure that I am clinically depressed/bipolar/have kundalini awakening or whatever you call it. I objectively can't handle it by myself and it will take probably 1-2 years before I will recover enough to be able to not only handle my food bill. B) I exert as much efforts to recover as I can. C) I have a decent living situation, I have a room and there is one more empty room and my parents honestly don't mind me living with them, this is a great opportunity to be able to not spend time to earn money for unnecessary comfort of living separately and better spend it for learning and practicing. I have a relative that is an alcoholic and that is stuck in life for almost 30 years. He isn't a hardcore alcoholic, but he doesn't work and just distracts himself with various stuff like TV and so on. I look at him and become scared that I will end up like him. But how the fuck should it happen if: A) he gave up all his efforts, he doesn't believe and understand that there's anything that can be done B) he never was really into growing, he is still hedonistic and he knows no other way, that's why he's stuck C) his nihilism has no end because he is not nearly open-minded enough to understand that spirituality is the answer. I should be careful who I compare myself to. 3) I judge myself for being depressed/neurotic and not being able to work more. This is even bigger non-sense. I can take responsibility for changing my situation for the better, but taking responsibility for my traumatic childhood and genetic predisposition for addictions is just silly. In fact it's one of the symptoms of depression - to feel guilty about the things that don't depend on you. 4) I'm trying to force some plan of becoming successful in my mind instead of embracing uncertainty. It completely exhausts me psychologically because it's not authentic, it doesn't come from my heart/intuition, it comes from my mind because it wants security. Even though I have understood that uncertainty is completely unavoidable when I was quitting university. All of those mistakes is my old homeostasis of belief system trying to take its last breaths, it feels completely wrong. God bless chaos and uncertainty. Amen. Here's another insight: I treat achieving enlightenment in the materialistic way. I'm trying to make it my goal/plan/project. Which is untenable. Enlightenment is something necessary, giving up your ego because you've had enough of this foolish non-sense and understand that there's no other way.

Nofap: yes, 5 days in (reset today), goal - 30 days. Diet: yes, 13 days in, goal - 30 days. No smoking: no, 0 days in, goal - 30 days. I tried to do everything I could: deep breathing, negotiating with myself and trying to convince why should I not smoke, but still smoked. Tomorrow I don't work + I reset nofap today so I will try to do anything I can to not smoke tomorrow. There's always a temptation to beat myself and like "oh I failed again" but when I have this temptation I memorize Leo Tolstoy's words "every attempt matters" + someone said "you need just one successful attempt". Coping skills: yes, although I also should try procrastinating with smoking and distracting myself with something like drinking a bottle of water. Meditation: yes, 13 days in, goal - 30 days. Jogging: no opportunity today. Set of reminders: I memorized what I intended to do yesterday but I suppose all of what is left in reminders is really useless when I work and I should not beat myself because of that, because I have very inconsistent schedule, it's kind of bunch of part time jobs with lots of weekends, sometimes I work 10-12 hours a day for couple of days. I don't work tomorrow so I set a stubborn reminder again. I guess that's the whole point, to brainwash yourself that it's important until it works that you need no brainwashing anymore. I guess I finally detached, calmed down and digested the situation. My intuition is so deafening that I can't ignore it anymore, if something goes wrong I just feel it in my gut and therefore I think that that decision was right, because this is why I even told her that something is off. Even though it was messy and I hooked a little bit on her and doubted it and shamed myself because of it, still it wasn't pulled out of thin air. Fuck inauthentic half-assed friendships with people who are too afraid to genuinely give a shit.

You don't need it. You just try to distract yourself again, it all comes down to practices. Anything can be destructive if it's guided by the neurotic drives. If you are very neurotic you just need to start small and be kind to yourself (but that doesn't mean you should be lazy and justify it by being kind to yourself). Imagine that there are two rivers. In one river you can catch fish quickly, but it's little. In the other river the fish is way bigger but it takes way more patience and skill to catch it. If you want to catch a bigger fish you need to work. It's very easy to get pleasure by destructive habits, but the quality of that pleasure sucks, shoot for a bigger fish.

Nofap: yes, 4 days in, goal - 30 days. No opportunity to fap today, I have to make 5 days this time. Diet: yes, 12 days in, goal - 30 days. No smoking: no, 0 days in, goal - 30 days. I smoked so much today that I am sick of it again. I'm trying to quit it tomorrow. My cravings for smoking don't stop when I smoke because they are not for smoking, they are for any pleasure and are fundamentally not satisfiable. Coping skills: no. I will try to hide from coworkers tomorrow and do some deep breaths if I will want to smoke. Meditation: yes, 12 days in, goal - 30 days. I'm so exhausted because of the very long busy day that I barely managed to meditate, I moved a lot. Jogging: no opportunity today. Set of reminders: no, completely ignored everything. I have just set a very stubborn alarm-like reminder and I will spend some attention to all my set of reminders (sounds stupid but what else to do, I wish my phone could slap me in the face and shout "DUDE! THE FUCK YOU CAN'T SPEND COUPLE OF MINUTES FOR THINKING USEFUL THOUGHTS YOU LAZY FUCK!").