Privet

It's only the nearest. How the hell do we even see stars? They are so far away.

Week 1 Hours this week: 22 Hours total: 22 Not that many hours regarding the fact that I'm still unemployed. But I'd like to keep this tempo even when I'll get a job. I've been practicing focusing on emotions for around 5 last years or more because I had intense emotions that didn't let me to focus on anything else and now I have switched to self-inquiry. It feels very confusing, I'm used to focus and in self-inquiry you don't really have an object to focus on so it makes me feel weird. During self-inquiry my mind wanders more than when I focus on an object. I'm not sure if I'll keep doing self-inquiry or switch to focusing, for some time I'll stick to self-inquiry and see where it goes. I practice in 1 hour intervals and don't do SDS anymore. On Wednesday I meditated 0 hours. Apathy backfired after the first two days and I spent the day laying on the couch, surfing a suicide forum and considering suicide. I just felt like my apathy is hopeless and nothing good awaits me in the future. But the next day I woke up and everything was fine. I'd like to make a couple of commitments: NoFap. I have low libido because of a neuroleptic so I can stop jerking off for possibly unlimited amount of time. I did it before for around two weeks and didn't feel a thing. So I'll commit to not fapping. Not moving during meditation. I move a little too much and I need to stop it.

One two three four five six sex... Speaking directly from your head, welcome to 3D! Wassup cucumbers! So, last time I posted was three years ago, but now I want to journal again so I make this journal. These three years were really crappy. I got sick with schizophrenia and got hospitaized with psychosis three times. I spent the last year on disability. After two first psychoses I didn't take neuroleptics and had jobs so everything was okay, but after the last (third) psychosis my mom convinced me to get disability and take meds. I agreed because the time between the last two psychoses was just a couple of months and I became afraid of getting psychotic again. The drug that was prescribed during my last hospitalization had more bearable side effects compared to all meds that I used previously. But this may they apparently stopped importing the drug and it disappeared from pharmacies. I'm not on the drug since may and I'm doing "fine". The drug that I have been using is called zuclopenthixol, I was getting an injection every 2 weeks. The side effects that I have from this drug are apathy, anhedonia, lower libido and twelve hour long sleep. Yes, I wrote "have" not "had" because despite going off the med I still have all side effects and I really hope they will go away, otherwise it's really bad. I was also getting stupor sometimes because of the med, that's also one of the main reasons I signed up for disability, because I couldn't work because of the stupor. The side effect that is killing me the most is apathy, and apathy is the reason I started this journal, because I hope that journaling will help me get over it. Disability ends in december, to prolong it I have to go to the hospital and stay there for a month, but if I do they will force me to take meds with unbearable side effects so instead I will just try to get a job and hope that I won't get psychotic again. I just don't see other options. They will most likely give me risperidone and on risperidone I can't do anything but to walk in circles, so I won't go to the hospital... For now... The best bet would be getting a private doctor and switch meds until I find another med with bearable side ffects and then get a job, but I have no money for that. Because of the motherfucking apathy I haven't been exercising and meditating during the last year and mostly layed on the couch. I tried to force myself to do it real hard and I failed multiple times, and before taking zuclopenthixol I meditated and exercised effortlessly, so you can get the idea how bad the apathy is... Meditation is number one commitment that I'd like to keep track of in this journal. I will download Insight Timer and post about hours that I meditated last week every sunday. Unfortunately I don't want to start exercising now. Okay, enough for the intro.

I don't wanna sleep so I'll write some more... In my previous journal I mentioned that I started using antidepressant mirtazapine. I went on 30 mg dose and kept taking it for a year. I was aimlessly walking in the neighborhood before and mirtazapine let me get a job and commit to doing music. After a year I developed tolerance to it so I stopped taking it. It took me around four months to taper it off. First half of a pill was easy and took just a week but if I decreased more than that I'd just lose sleep. I had to slowly go down to 1/8 of a pill before I was able to quit completely. I'm a hell of an addict to everything but everything turned out to be fine with the antidepressant, I never overused it. I've read a bit of my previous posts here and dammit, how much have changed since then. I don't really get depressed anymore, I guess meditation and exercise did it for me and probably mirtazapine also is responsible for that. But here is the surprise... One of the side effects of mirtazapine mentioned in Russian wiki is "worsening of the paranoid syndrome". Either mirtazapine is the cause of my schizophrenia or it triggered my genetic predisposition to it. I had multiple fleeting and subclinical cases of paranoia while I was on it. But the first full-blown psychosis started more than half a year after quitting the antidepressant. It seems to me that the main trigger for psychosis is having a job: working 9 hours a day five days a week sets my brain in enough stress to start generating delusions. All three times that I had psychosis I had a job. The only thing that makes me depressed lately is neuroleptics, especially withdrawals from them, it's really, REALLY bad. On withdrawals from just a month or two on cariprazine and risperidone (separately) I was so depressed I ended up researching suicide methods in the internet. I also tried guitar cable on my neck with the tears on my eyes. But it passes in a month or quicker. It's possible that I have delusional disorder rather than schizophrenia because I don't have all symptoms of schizophrenia. Schizophrenia has two clusters of symptoms, they're called positive and negative. Positive are delusions, hallucinations and thinking disorders, negative are apathy, anhedonia, alogia, avolition. I only have delusions and this is it, at least before zuclopenthixol. But anyways the treatment is neuroleptics and I'm not sure if you really should distinguish these two diagnoses. State psychiatry is really shitty in Russia. Do you know how they diagnose schizophrenia? A nurse comes to you and asks "how can I help?", if your response looks hostile to them they set the schizo diagnosis. This is it, nobody talks to you anymore. The doctors check 60-70 patients once in a week just a minute or two on each in one go. I got "lucky" that I actually am schizophrenic but I have seen people there who got the schizo diagnosis without symptoms, and not once. I will write more about what happened during psychoses and psych yard in my later posts.

I feel more power in you compared to your earlier posts. You rock homie👊

When the clerks at the grocery store didn't know where to put goods with hidden psychs in it when cops were around and you bought and ate it:

Here's my dick dancing and singing: Welcome to The Cock Divine Brotherhood.

I'm not a swimmer you fucking idiots!!! I'm just bald!!! (c) Leo Gura

Dead dick when you can't get him erect be like: Blind kitten in the realm of what the fuck (but also female periods):

I doubt that it's Prozac. I'm done after almost a year on full 30 mg dose of Mirtazapine and I haven't gained a single pound. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Although recent smoking cessation gave me 10 pounds in like 3 months even though I haven't started to eat more. Maybe it's Prozac, yeah. Who knows, who knows... Be well.

Love = Genius Good Night Sleep = Energy Your Mother = Excellent Woman Who is the genius? No idea bro. Who is the kengúru whisperer? Interesting question. Who is the most woke on the forum? Well, who knows... But once you've made the mistake of talking to him... ̶Y̶o̶u̶ ̶b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶b̶u̶y̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶ ̶h̶a̶i̶r̶ ̶d̶y̶e̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶g̶r̶e̶y̶ ̶h̶e̶a̶d̶.̶ You better start laughing at yourselves. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ FOOOOOOOOOOLS!

Main topic of my previous journal was NoFap, I exhausted it and I want to start a new one, just to unload ruminations of my mind time to time. Watched couple of videos of Ken Wilber. I would call what he talks about there a Spiral Imbalance - a lack of integration of previous Stages of the Spiral. What does lack of integration really mean? It means that you identify with some behaviors and beliefs of the previous Stages, meaning that you consider it normal and "how things should be". You can overgrow those traits of the previous Stages by becoming aware of them and by disidentifying, but I'll address this process later. First I want to give some examples of those repressed subpersonalities: Purple. On this Stage main concerns are survival and safety. In the modern world this Stage mostly manifests itself in infants. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations: Oral fixation/neediness: when a mother feeds her kid he feels loved, cared and protected, but at some point it's time to separate from her and if this process goes wrong for some reason the kid suppresses his needs instead of overgrowing them and it becomes hidden infant subpersonality, meaning that you feel like an infant inside and are not aware of that. In adult life it manifests as the desire to be completed by the love of other people, low self-esteem, or addictions as a mean to satisfy the suppressed need for love by other sources of pleasure. Anxiety: I have a good example in my own development, when I was little kid (1-2 yo) my father accidentally dropped stroller with me inside when he was going up the ladder, in that age it's life and death situation so I couldn't handle the amount of stress, repressed my feelings and now in my adult life I can get easily anxious in situations that are not really threatening. The need for safety wasn't properly satisfied and transcended during that Stage. Indecisiveness and lack of assertiveness: this one comes from separation issues, when a toddler learns to crawl he would crawl couple meters and look back at his mother, if she follows him with her look he feels safe and crawls some more, then looks back again and so on. If mother doesn't pay attention on him his ability to become independent safely vanishes and he becomes afraid to explore the world by himself. Sexual repression: at some point kids explore their testicles and if during this process parents don't let them to do so it may result in sexual repression in adult age. Beige. On this Stage main concerns are bonding with people, trust and cooperation. I would say that mostly this stage manifests itself in kids below the age of puberty. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations: Social anxiety/pathological agency/trust issues/attachment issues: if your caregivers don't treat you well you don't satisfy the need for trust and later in life you expect other people to treat you bad even if it is not the case. Fear of asking for help/unhealthy independence: if your caregivers often refuse to help you you learn that it's not OK to ask for help and become afraid to do so when you need it or have problems with accepting help when people offer it to you. Selfishness: if you try to do something good to your caregivers and they don't appreciate it you learn that giving is not a good behavior. Blaming yourself for suffering of others: if your parents always treat you poorly when they are in wrong mood you start to believe that happiness of others depends on you and become people pleaser. Red. On this Stage main concerns are domination, superiority and adoration. I guess mostly it manifests itself in early puberty in blue and orange societies, most of bullying happens during this age. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations: Winner subpersonality/narcissism: for example, if your father always dominates you and never lets you win or expresses his adoration you repress the need for superiority and try to always overcompete everyone and be the best despite possible damages. Douchebag subpersonality/poor boundaries/passive-aggressive behavior: if your parents don't let you express anger and just generally don't let you express yourself emotionally you can become very timid and start to tolerate bullshit of others that shouldn't be tolerated. Blue. On this Stage main concerns are order, goodness and saintliness. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations: Contro freak subpersonality: unproductive obsession with control and order. The preacher: telling everyone what is right and what is wrong. Black and white thinking: nuff said. Saint subpersonality: always be good, don't hurt anyone, don't embarrass yourself, don't do shameful things (hello another chunk of repressed sexuality). Orange. On this Stage main concerns are achievement, prosperity and status. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations: Achiever subpersonality: keep achieving even if it takes sacrificing your health or work your stupid highly payed high status job that you hate. Materialism: who gives a fuck about anything that doesn't bring material results? Rationalism: why caring about others unless it brings some gain for me? Green. On this Stage main concerns are fairness, mutual respect and compassion. Possible repressed legacy and manifestations: Idiot compassion: feminine compassion in cases that require masculine one. Useless negotiations: trying to negotiate with dysfynctional/underdeveloped elements instead of metacommunicating. Now to the disidentifying part. First thing that you need to do to disidentify from some sort of the Spiral Legacy is to identify it, it takes observation of your patterns of thoughts and behavior and ideally input from other more developed folks like therapists, friends, spiritual teachers, coaches. I think the most problematic parts are from purple to red, because the earlier the stage - the more deeply it's ingrained in your unconsciousness. A good technique I've learned from some psychodynamic therapy video that can be used to overgrow your patterns involves ridiculing these traits in yourself in a kind manner. Here are couple examples: Neediness: imagine yourself like you're an infant and say something like "where is my mommy? where did she go? please complete me! feed me! mommy!". Trust issues: EVERYONE IS A FRAUD! OH GOD THEY WANT TO FOOL ME! EVERYONE WANTS TO GAIN SOMETHING FROM ME! THEY MANIPULATE ME! JESUS YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYONE THESE DAYS! I'M GONNA BE ALONE FOREVER AND NEVER TRUST ANYONE! I WILL LIVE IN SOME CAVE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! The preacher: YOU DO THIS THIS WAY! LISTEN TO ME! HEY! THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY AND THE ONLY WAY! EVERYBODY LISTEN TO ME I'M A PROPHET! I KNOW IT ALL! THIS IS HOW IT WORKS! DON'T YOU EVEN ARGUE WITH ME! I'M AN ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY! I WANT EVERYBODY TO LISTEN TO ME! SAY WHAT I SAY! DO WHAT I DO! THINK WHAT I THINK! I'M SO FUCKING RIGHT! Achiever subpersonality: FAME! FAME! SUCCESS! STATUS! GAIN! MORE! I WANT MORE! BETTER RESULT! MORE SIGNIFICANCE! I WANT TO BECOME THE MOST SIGNIFICANT FUCKER IN THE UNIVERSE DESPITE THE FACT THAT THIS PLANET WILL GET BURNED BY THE SUN! I guess you get the idea, it's important to distinguish what I have just described from judgement, judgement of some of this traits in yourself will only lead to more repression so you need to ridicule it in the kind way, because this is how you overgrow outdated perspective, not because someone told you to do so, but because you start to realize how silly and meaningless it is to hold onto this view.

It seems that they are fake, I have quite an experience in mixing music and it tells me that Avril is a dirty liar. You can listen here to what actual live singing sounds like. Notice how her voice fluctuates when she starts running all over the stage. You sing okay overall and it started well Avril, but then for some stupid reason you started selling me your pussy and everything got a bad wrap. You are an adult already, and yes, yes, if you are that kinky, go ahead and try to wrap me around your finger. ...BUT IT WILL PROBABLY SMELL LIKE SHIT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yeah, I nailed it, YouTube' advertisement matching algorithm also thinks that I'm a crazy bitch, not only me:

Hmm... She's already 35, does she qualify as MILF? If these videos are not fake it sound like she has excellent singing skills. I mean, I have only seen three people in mainstream pop that sing live well: Katy Perry, Lady Gaga and she. This altered vocal melody line in the chorus sounds somewhat Irish, or Scottish, dunno. It seems that she sacrifices dancing for the sake of singing. And that's a good decision. You are either a dancer or a singer. Not two at the same time. It's difficult to sing when you are dancing. I mean, if you want to dance - dance in someone's bedroom. I mean, someone's bedroom. I mean, I can feed you if you will get hungry and tired, sing a lullaby, you know... I mean, yes Avril, YES PLEASE, BECOME MY GIRLFRIEND! YES!

Damn, do I want this song as a ringtone or not? PROBABLY YES, BECAUSE I WHORE FOR ATTENTION AS MUCH AS I WANT BABY!

Nah, 7-10 km every second day and no speeding, fuck that shit, I'm not being late. It seems that jogging is such a my thing, people often just can't stand it, for me it's like going to spa, so relaxing.

SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT! ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging? ShouldIstartsinging?

Shieeet... I want to jump off the bridge. I mean, I WANT TO JUMP OFF THE FUCKING BRIDGE! I had been riding my bicycle to work before and every damn morning I just looked down and wanted to jump, freefall is so seductive. They say it's over 15 meters, which means that my speed will be over 60 kilometers per hour on landing after around 2 seconds of freefall. The river is wide, I don't swim like a pro but I have a friend with a boat. I need to check the depth of the river, check if the bottom is clean and find a lower place to train my landing technique and estimate if 15+ meters is a good idea with as little experience as I have. I'm also guessing if it is good with the local society, I don't want to become a celebrity here, LOL. And I need to wait for the next summer to figure out all the details of that deliberately failed suicide.

AND HELL YEAH I'M THE MOTHERFUCKING PRINCESS HAHAHA Yeah, Trump's head looks like it's Hilary Clinton, but hey, 101% of excellence - 1 = 100%. SO DAMN GOOSEBUMPING!

Hi brother from another mother. What was the reason to break up?

I'M A BARBIE GIIIIIRL IN A BARBIE WOOOOOORLD LIFE IN PLAAASTIC ITS FANTAAASTIC YOU CAN BRUSH MY HAIR UNDRESS ME EVERYWHEEERE IMAGINAAAATION LIFE IS YOUR CREAAATION