Fuse

I feel extremely pathetic saying what I'm about to say right now, but I'm not sure how much more I can take. I have posted a lot on this forum about my addiction to porn/overstimulation/anything in this kind of category. I have received very valuable and well thought out responses regarding this, and I am so grateful. For my entire life, I have been obsessive and had disturbing thoughts. As I battle my addiction, I see everything rise to the surface. Ever since I was as young as 6 years old, I have been experiencing disturbing thoughts about my death, constantly obsessing about and fearing the idea of suicide, death of loved ones etc. It's very strange to me as I try to beat my addiction how my disturbing thoughts manifest themselves. As an addict, I relentlessly obsess day in day out about suicide and whether my life is worth continuing. I feel frightened constantly, always fearing that I could do something drastic which really makes me feel insane. If not insane, then definitely not entirely stable mentally. I analyze my entire life history, picking and choosing certain events to latch onto just to exhaust myself with endless attempts at reassurance. My addiction plays a lot into this, since I ruminate 24/7 about how pathetic I am being an addict, how much of a loser I must appear to those I care about, how much better my life could have been before making the mistake of becoming an addict and even feeling extreme jealously of those who are not in my situation. It feels as if I have a large intimidating gloomy cloud hovering over me everywhere I go, no matter how good my circumstances are. When I feel bouts of joy and happiness, I constantly question if I deserve it. Any grain of happiness that I do experience these days is quickly destroyed by myself. It's got to the point in my life where I cannot even do simple things which once gave me excitement without obsessing over why I should even bother since my life is ruined. At such a young age (19) I am even more terrified since I can also obsess over my potential future dealing with such misery. If I could have one wish, it would be to turn back the clock. But I can't, and I never will be able to. I understand that I am only to blame for this, nobody else. I chose all of my actions, and I deeply regret making such awful decisions in my life to lead me to where I am right now: In my crumbling mind. I really need help, I feel alone and unable to do anything.

@Wormon Blatburm I've thought about telling my parents about my situation, I feel like I can't do this alone. You guys on here are the only people on the planet who know about my terrible addiction, my obsessive mind, my current shitty life... I can't help but feel alone in all of this, just a terrified teenager alone in his bedroom trying to combat a ridiculously strong addiction and a crazy suicidal mind with nobody to talk to face to face. Do you think sitting down with my parents to explain my situation would be a good idea? I don't know how much more I can take until I finally decide to do something horrible like step in front of a car. Maybe this could be the thing I haven't tried yet?

@Wormon Blatburm I like listening to you guys though. My worldview is terrible, it must be to have even gotten me into this awful situation. As for the vision thing, I can't really tell which it is. In a way, whatever is left of my vision does overpower the negative thoughts to an extent that I actually get out of bed, accept that I have a huge problem, ask for help, go to college, have passions. But it is like a war between the vision I have, which wants me to accomplish stuff and my thoughts/negative emotions. I described this earlier as a feeling of having an 'evil monster' inside of me that pulls me back and stops me from being happy.

@Wormon Blatburm I used to have awesome visions of where I wanted to end up in life, but they fade away quickly as soon as my mind floods with my obsessive thoughts alongside a doom and gloom attitude. I force myself every day not to do what you were describing as lying in bed wallowing in self pity and hopelessness. To be honest, I don't know why I do this. It's probably because I think it will be too painful to just lie there without any distractions and feeling trapped in my head. I get odd feelings of hope throughout my day, but they never last.

@ajasatya True... That definitely is what it looks like. Why the hell would I be addicted to suffering though? I want to do anything but suffer! That confuses me a lot. I think guilt, shame and regret are a huge reason for my assuming the worst. As in, if I'm not assuming the worst here and feeling terrible shame, I must be a bad person. That's sort of the process I have running in my mind.

@ajasatya I will stick with 30 minutes for now then. I am wondering... Why do I believe my thoughts always? Always believing everything I think up no matter how ridiculous or far fetched it is. This more than likely shows why I always assume the worst in all of my thoughts.

@ajasatya I'd just like to add, the 'no hope' thoughts and stories only really become a major concern for me as I slowly progressed through my addiction, now becoming unbearable as of today. I'd say that I've been an addict for at least 5-6 years, which is shocking considering my age. I used to be full of hope, making awesome plans for my future and getting motivated to improve myself and live my greatest passion. I constantly remind myself that I have 'failed' life after letting my addiction get so out of hand and made so many awful mistakes. With what we're talking about, I can definitely see myself gaining awareness over my thoughts and negative behaviours, but it is very difficult for me to imagine not actually believing my thoughts and leading an amazing life at this point. I know the thoughts are there, and I feel the emotions they bring. I just feel as though the damage has been done and my future is bleak after all I've done. It's definitely the worst place I've been, mentally. After everything that's ever happened to me, I've always had certainty that it would pass and I would recover... But this time, I feel only the odd glitter of hope as I live through my gloomy thoughts. Also, I currently meditate for 30 minutes every day in one sitting. Would you recommend changing this pattern to something like two sits of 15 minutes per day instead?

@ajasatya My bad relationship with solitude is partly because of my addiction, right? Because I can't honestly feel happy right now without some extreme stimulation or other distractions. I did a sit for two hours a few weeks ago, it felt weird. I wasn't very agitated, but I was definitely unhappy and lost in my head the entire time. I guess you could say I felt like I wasn't actually present, just trapped in my mind thinking up craziness as usual. I was also very relieved when it was over, so that I could go back to distracting myself again. I definitely focus a lot on approval (Something I am working to fix) but that is only one aspect of the situation. It's like any type of action I take results in terrible thoughts and negative emotions. Trying to get out of my head and accept solitude, exercising etc. It honestly feels like there's a monster inside of me telling me to give up completely and forget trying to improve myself and pursue happiness. I think the biggest factor in this is my mind telling me that there's no hope for me anymore, since that alone prevents all kinds of action. It is the worst mindset possible.

@vizual I have led a life without much exercise besides basic stuff like walking. Even walking is something I have neglected for my whole life, choosing instead to be indoors constantly like a scared loser. I recently did some long walks as suggested on here to help become aware of my thoughts and emotions. It was a weird experience for me, acknowledging myself completely. It made me feel scared, angry and lonely. I am trying to start with VERY small exercise steps such as 5 pushups. Even something as mediocre as that made me feel drained and caused bad aching. Little steps for action like that can make me feel disheartened when I get a barrage of thoughts telling me there's no point.

@ajasatya So, reality in the present moment is where it's at. What about my relationships with other people? My problem impacts not just myself but others too. My family seems so distant from me while I'm trapped in what seems to be a dark void with nobody else around me. The friends I used to have think I'm a weird loser. Everyone I come across talks to me like I am some kind of abnormal freak. Since I am a serious addict, I can't help but feel that women would never want to be in a relationship with a disgusting pervert (How I feel) no matter how improved I seem. These things only back up my thoughts even more, making me believe that they are the truth and nothing else is a possibility. A large part of my obsession is me believing that I could never be a normal human being that I want to be. My experiences seem to prove this every single day. It feeds into my thoughts, then more negative events occur... Like an endless cycle of torture.

@ajasatya So, you're basically saying I need to go through my life running off my emotions instead of my thoughts? My thoughts terrify me, make me feel horrible and quickly evoke some kind of negative emotion inside of me. It seems a lot to deal with for the rest of my life when thoughts such as 'Fuck it, I'm obviously screwed' or 'Just give up now, there's no point after all you've done' arise every 5 minutes. It is very taxing on my energy levels and the way I operate throughout life in general. I can see recognize these awful thoughts, feel the emotions they bring. But what if the thoughts are true and they're right?

@ajasatya What exactly are those feelings which are begging for me to feel? Anger? Sadness? Loneliness? Regret? From what you're saying, it seems like enlightenment would be the only way out of this nightmare. As for comparing myself to others, a lot of the time I feel myself looking at someone and being like: "Damn, I wish I was that guy, or this guy over here. Or anyone right now who isn't me!" It feels as though overall I am completely ashamed to be me, hence my obsession with other people. I could assume that everyone is experiencing the same suffering as me, but that wouldn't really be true... At least not with the people I come across who seem to be have it all, the perfect life. A life I wish I had.

@ajasatya My mind is working like that, I am totally ashamed to be an addicted loser. I do agree that highest hero's are those who are willing to explore their misery, that's a nice way to put it. To tell the truth, I'm pretty scared to do more of what @jjer94 suggested. It made me feel very anxious, hopeless and terrified. Would doing this just be a way of me coming to terms with my suffering and accepting it forever? That alone makes me feel petrified. I couldn't stand feeling like the way I do right now for years in the future, unless doing this would simply be a way for me to 'numb' out my suffering until I don't feel it?

@Echoes Very interesting video, thanks for showing me that. I see what he's talking about, realizing that the past doesn't exist and neither does the future. Not sure how this impacts hopelessness though, since that in itself exists in the present.

@Preetom I've been trying for a long time to break free from my addiction, but an equally comparable demon I have is my mind. Obsessing over anything at all (Mainly addiction related stuff) at ridiculously crazy levels. The combination of the two is very bad news. I have to recover from this, otherwise there is no point in me living.

@jjer94 I went ahead and did what you suggested by getting up, getting dressed and going out for a walk. It was a strange experience, I just walked and listened to myself feeling angry, sad, hopeless, anxious, jealous and lonely. I felt almost ill doing this, very scared and didn't know what to expect. I looked at other people walking, felt jealous of them and how much better off than me they must be. I looked around at the beautiful scenery, felt really sad but also kind of peaceful at the same time. My obsessive mind clocked in as usual, giving me thoughts about how I shouldn't enjoy this since there's no point now, or how I could have enjoyed this so much more before making stupid mistakes and being the way I am today. Despite that stuff, I am glad I did it anyway.

@ajasatya Wow, that's actually really interesting but shocking as hell to me. When you say my situation is not worse, but better... How does being just young make it any better? Surely that tells me something along the lines of: Prepare yourself for some hardcore levels of misery in the near future just like these guys over here who are in their final days and hating every minute of it. It is also interesting to me how I would assume most people are way more happier than me. I observe people all the time, and the overwhelming majority of them seem so much happier and peaceful than me. It makes me quite sad, actually. And very jealous. I do have a habit of looking at these people and thinking "Well, their situation can't possibly be as awful as mine. Look! They're happy!" Either I'm right or these people are very good at hiding levels of misery that I couldn't possibly hide.

@jjer94 Thanks for your response, I appreciate it a lot. From what I read, you're basically saying I need to get off my ass to help with the physical side of things. I understand what you're saying, as I always feel weak and lazy making me unable to do things I really want to do. Probably why I fell into this nightmare in the first place, combined with my debilitating anxiety and obsessions. I just feel like I can't help myself, since any attempt I make to recover or do something positive leads me into crazy obsession, fear and regret. It could be anything I do, from simply messaging you on here or taking serious action in my life. I experience so much guilt, fear and regret that it's unbelievable. I literally ask myself thousands of times a day, what is the point of continuing when you've already messed up in life and done stupid and horrible things? Why even bother trying to recover and making plans to be successful in life? I used to blame my parents, anyone in life for my situation but I can clearly see that this isn't true anymore. It's all on me and it always has been, making me feel like I've blew it. I keep obsessing over why I shouldn't take action: It's pointless since I've messed up too much, I will never get what I want since I am just a freak. I don't what to feel like this, and I do question it which leads to even more obsession: What if I'm right and it's all true? For the first time in my life, I really want to be wrong.

Hi. I've been struggling with porn addiction for a while now, and am finally taking action steps to freedom which others on the forum suggested a while back. After watching Leo's video on overcoming addiction, I tried doing an exercise he suggested which involved doing nothing, alone in a room for a couple of hours to see how you feel. I have a meditation habit installed anyway at 30 minutes per day, but I was a little bit intimidated by thinking about doing this exercise. He mentions that all addictions stem from fear of emptiness, which I understand since I know I avoid emptiness. So, I start my 2 hour sit of doing absolutely nothing to see how I feel, and I was shocked at the experience... I felt okay. I wasn't exactly jumping for joy or anything but I felt fine regardless. No pain, not much agitation, hardly any fear at all. I actually didn't want this to happen, I wanted the experience to be the most emotionally disturbing thing ever to help wake me the fuck up from my addiction. Maybe I'm doing something wrong? It shouldn't be this easy, right? I noticed that during the sit, I drifted in and out of fantasy which concerned me a little bit but I continued for the full 2 hours. Is this an exercise I should be repeating constantly until I'm free from my addiction, or do I need to sit there for longer such as 5 hours or something? I'm really confused right now, and scared.

@Elisabeth Definitely can't put time aside to watch porn at college. It's not even just porn, I'm addicted to Omegle sex chats, or just masturbating compulsively in general. The urges come anytime, which is why at college I have to distract myself fast with something. I've been struggling with this problem for years, trying to abstain but I always fall back. Quite worrying considering that I'm only 19. It really does hold me back in life, which is why I'm desperately trying anything to fix this.

@Elisabeth I was thinking the same thing, actually. It's really unpredictable though, regarding when the urges happen. One thing I'm certain of, is that it happens every single day. It's especially difficult if I'm not at home and I get the urges, since I can't exactly put aside a few hours to sit doing nothing when I'm at college or something.

@ajasatya I guess that means keep doing it until I'm free then?

@Santiago Just going into fantasy about almost anything you can think of: Porn, TV, video games, college work, friends, family, people I don't like, and probably most disturbing for me was thinking about death. I day dream a lot, so it was just amplified during my long sit I guess.

@smd A lot of things interest me. I already a have a pretty good of idea of what I want in life, the problem isn't so much not wanting anything or not wanting to be anywhere but more like having no energy, feeling too lazy and scared to do anything about it. I guess forcing myself is a good option, probably my only option. I'm even scared of doing that though in case I end up taking some stupid action which makes everything even worse.

Hi all, I thought I'd write here to get a bit of help for an issue that is taking over my life. First, some background information on me. I am 19 years old and a guy, almost no friends, no job, no money, addicted to porn and basically a total loser. The main thing that is crippling me is realizing how addicted I am to porn, and more recently kinky sex chat role play's on sites such as Omegle. I spend the majority of my free time doing this, and I've been doing so for years. The most hilarious part is that I am a virgin with no experience whatsoever with girls (Never even kissed a girl in my entire life). I feel ashamed when I do the things that I just mentioned, it makes me feel disgusting and a bad person. I have tried (Not very hard, I admit) To quit watching porn, and doing weird kinky online roleplay's but I always fall back. When I look at my life as it is right now, I feel like a complete failure because of how much time I have wasted and how "stunted" I feel around people in social situations. I have bad social anxiety, but I have started to understand that it is only nonsense in my mind and shouldn't be taken seriously. Even still, I don't feel normal like I used to when I was a young child. Sometimes I think that I might be a lunatic, but I hope I'm not. I think what I'm asking for is advice on how to clean up my life, going by the stuff I have said above. Thanks for taking the time to read this.