Ilyaa

I have encountered a problem, the girl(she has a boyfriend) that I have been seeing asked me to delete my texting story with her. She says she's afraid that someone's someday gonna see it and her boyfriend will know. Almoust completely ridiculous, not really logical, there is a lot of other evidences that have same low probability of showing up as proofs of us seeing each other. For example, guard in my building that have seen us coming together. Should I kill him too, lol? Anyway, I do not want to delete it - I have felt at first that I am not alright doing so, so I refused, somehow dropping it off rather easily. But after few days it has came up again, in more fierce manner, making argument between us quite tensed, she grow in her belief that it is right thing to do and started blaming me for not relating with her it, that she cannot trust me as I am refusing to make such a simple thing for her, etc. Now I am feeling even less inclined to do so, because if I give up now...Well, it is gonna feel like giving up to her bullshiet. And I do not want to delete it anyway, even dropping everything else. But it has grow, so now feels pretty bad, and I do not understand how to turn it around, just let it slide. And I am emotionally attached to her, kind of in love, but standing my ground, she sees that, but I am not sure about this situation because it got more serious that usual shiettest. It not seems like she's inclined to take any logical arguments here, so explaining wont work here. So, any particular advise on this situation? May be not showing that it has hurt me too, trying to keep going like nothing happened, or have another conversation trying to get her stop worrying about it, dropping her ground about this messaging history(How?)? And, in general, how in first place you deal with such situations where person wants you to do something that you do not want to do because your emotional reasons, but that first person can't see it? Obviously I care about this first person, so "fuck 'em" isn't really an option :\

Hey. I have many problems that developed through my life, and in my course of improvement I'm facing things that I cannot overcome by now, myself, it is holding my back. I've been shy, quiet and scared all my life, as far as I can remember - to the childhood in the age of 7-8 years. I went to the school, where I've been sitting quietly, scared to talk to girls, having a few buddies to communicate, getting bullied by others. At the same time I went to art school, where I were only one boy in girls class, so I've sit quietly for years, scared to talk to anyone. Whole my fucking life I've been scared. It have changed a bit in the good direction when I went to university, and then work. I feel like step by step, over the years, I get better(25 now). Now I'm able to stand for myself, talk, if other person talks to me, even pick up a chat myself, occasionally. But that fear is still sitting deep inside me, I cannot let it go. No matter what I'm telling myself. Better get to examples. Work. Every company I attend to, turns the same way. Colleagues firstly talk to me, trying to get to know me, calling to go for a lunch with them(I love people when they do not now me, they assume I'm normal) , but it all gets down. I cannot talk calmly, feeling like everything inside of me crumbles in fear, I cannot express my values or answer properly and freely, I answer rather meek, softly, agreeably(just leave me alone Im scared). I reject lunch offers. I reject teambuilding offers, activities, because I'm scared to go out in a company of people that I do not have connection with, because I will end up sitting in the corner, silently, not knowing how to jump into conversation. I always feel tension. I am capable somehow start to talk with person one-to-one, but companies... Have no idea how to join a conversation. Also I attend dancing classes. Same goes there as for work. It start like this, I come to work / class / some group where I have not been before, I do not know those people, and it goes smooth for a first one-two meetings. But then by scared nature fuckes it all up. People see that I'm one anti social silent guy. I am not able to get further with people that "Hey-hey" conversation. Time passes, and in few weeks I just stand against other person, not knowing what to say except "Hey". Let's do that thing that we are here for and get over it. I feel tension, scared, awkwardness. When other people just chat up with each other, going somewhere together, I end up alone. I'll try to summarize it here. When time passes, no matter in which company of people I am - at work, dancing classes, etc, I feel the same. Like people know me as not confident silent guy, that rarely speaks. And I do not know how to start talking myself: I think, what do I say if I saw this person for a first time, I'd probably ask where are they from, what they like, may be chat up about some things, but this person knows that I never talk to him, so it will be weird if I will start out of the blue asking those questions in two months later(or even two years) we first met. And I feel like fear of people holds my back when I am actually talk to them. If I somehow manage to start talking, the second time we meet do not goes deeper, it is like I do not know hod to dive in the connections with people, instead just swimming at the surface(in the best case). Most helpful thing that I found 3-4 months ago, is Leo video "How to stop giving a fuck". I watched it about 7 times, others too, but this one I found most helpful. But yet I cannot overcome my fear of people, of what they think of me. I am terrified of people, sometimes it is even terror, few years back I even experienced panic attacks(mostly in subway trains). I am afraid to look stranger it the eyes(to guys, not to girls) thinking that is a challenge, tension, and I do not want that. But as I am avoiding it, it makes me feel down because of avoiding. I am even scared to cross people walking. I so get used to getting kicked it the back at school, that I even speed up my walk to not make people slow down theirs. I am afraid at the moment when cashier will ask me to put my card for payment or will hand over my check, because if I will not react it same second...Well, I don't know, Im just scared. Please, help. Help me to overcome this fear.

Thank you, guys. I will try what you wrote. I am going to Vietnam for two weeks, afterwards hope for a fresh start at my workspace and life. I understand that it have nothing to do with place itself, but I will use this time to work on myself.