Hello All,
Thank you for all the wonderful content in this forum! I would like to share an experience with the forum in hopes that someone can help provide insight/answers to a recent incident. I experienced something profound while meditating. It has left me with a new view and many questions on life, myself, and spirituality. I have never been a religious or spiritual person, and only recently started meditating because I thought it could reduce stress or provide some positive physiological benefits. I wasn't prepared for what happened and I'm struggling to understand what, why and how it occurred. I'll provide as much detail as possible, and sincerely thank you for any and all feedback you can provide.
Background: I'm a 35 y/0 white male, always struggled with self-esteem, jealousy, "mild?" depression, and internalized anger issues, non-religious (but not atheist), raised in a middle class suburban family. I have experimented with psychedelic drugs, but had been sober (alcohol too) for almost 6 months leading up to the event. Prior to the experience I had been meditating for about 10-15 min a day, 5-7 days a week. My meditation practice consisted of focusing on breathing, a mantra of "relax", and trying to sense or "feel" different parts of my body from within. I also listen to Asian style flute/zen/water ambient music, while seated upright in a chair with both feet flat on the floor.
On this day I took a slightly different meditation approach. I was feeling stressed about an awful coworker and realized that harboring the negative feelings was only causing me more pain, and that I needed to let go. Additionally, other past scenarios/wrongdoings, etc had to go too. I started the meditation with focus on breathing for roughly 5 min. Then I began to think of specific scenarios which were causing me pain. For example the coworker who has been stealing from me, and spreading lies behind my back in an attempt to get me fired. I focused on those feelings of anger and pictured it as a black sludge in my body. I took a full deep breath and held it as long as I could. I visualized this black sludge moving from my toes and fingertips out of my limbs and compressing in my chest. When it was hard to hold the breath any longer, I imagined exhaling all the emotional poison in a big black cloud from my body.
I repeated the above for other scenarios, such as resentment towards an ex girlfriend who left me, jealously towards another person, resentment towards myself for hurting a family member, etc. I'm not certain but I believe about 5 maybe 6 such examples.
Next, I thought about my low self esteem or self worth. I realized that I was using the negative life events to shape my understanding of who I am. Additionally, I came to the conclusion that these events don't define me, they are merely events, that that simply "I AM". I had to let go of any notions of what I am or who I am (both GOOD and bad) and perhaps this would allow me to find greater peace and happiness in life. I again focused on the breath and visualized a stew of my achievements, values, personality traits, physical attributes etc. I exhaled them in a cloud of black smoke as well. This time, upon the exhale i felt a deep sense of comfort. I continued to focus on the breath and repeated the mantra (in my mind) "I AM".
This is where it gets interesting, and thank you for bearing with the details thus far. After a few minutes repeating the mantra, I felt a slight tingle in my chest, similar to the one I would get when trying to sense/feel/observe certain body parts in prior meditations. The tingle grew stronger and felt warm to where it was very noticeable. Then in an instant, it exploded in a burst of energy. I immediately broke from meditation. The physiological sensations was in intense heat, almost painful in the center of my chest, but my skin felt cold, with the "pins and needles" type feeling. The hair on my neck, arms, legs was standing on end. I call it a type of energy, I could feel it pulsing at an extremely high rate, radiating from the center of my chest outward. I couldn't visually see this energy but I sensed it was moving out of me and into my surroundings. At the same time I felt an overwhelming sense of LOVE, comfort, and peace, only these feeling were amplified to almost an infinite times any degree I had previously experienced them. It was so powerful, and so beautiful, I had tears streaming down my face in amazement. After roughly 5-10 seconds my thinking mind kicked in, and in a panic asked "what's happening, what is this" As soon as I thought this to myself I was given an answer to which I did not rationale or deduce with my typical logical behavior. This energy that I called LOVE was indeed an energy, synonymous with both love and god, and additionally it makes up all things both living and inanimate. It is the foundation or building blocks for everything found in the universe. This feeling continued for roughly 30 minutes. All the while my thinking mind would start to panic because I had to leave for work and I didn't know how long the episode would last, as there was no way I could function in that state. The following day I attempted to meditate, and upon feeling a slight tingle in my chest, my thinking kicked in and forced me to open my eyes and break meditation, fearful of having another similar experience, despite the beauty and wonder it contained.
Following the experience, I feel changes in the core of who I am as a person. I am kinder and more compassionate. I feel a deep sense of connection to nature, and find beauty in things I wouldn't normally notice. I go out of my way to help others where normally I had a self serving lifestyle. I eat healthy, mostly vegetarian/vegan, and exercise. I do not judge (I always use to criticize/judge others) and when I do, I lost immediately correct my thought pattern. I have a new view of myself, particularly non judgmental (relating to negative thoughts that decreased self esteem) and shook off a victim type mentality. I even started going to church for the first time in 25 years.
Where to go from here? I have struggled to understand the meaning of the experience, I feel it can't be self serving despite improving my life. Why did it happen, and particularly, WHAT exactly happened??? I have started reading about "new age" spiritually, classical religions, zen, enlightenment, etc etc; but only bits and pieces from what I've read seem to apply. If anyone can HELP me understand what I may have experienced, it would be very much appreciated. I accept any and all feedback. Thank you in advance!
GreenT
