Lubomir

Hello community, long time no see So I have a question on you. But first let me briefly explain my story: I'm with my gf about 2 years now, we live together, both of us is finishing our university studies (26/25 years), so we are still young and naive - that is why I feel need to ask more experienced people for this. What happened? My gf have a friend, her ex boyfriend. Last week she ask me, if she can go to a one day trip with him and spend the night in his apartma after that. I said "sure, no problem, thank you for asking". I did that in the mindset in which I knew that she still feel something for him, because we talked about it. But she always refered to him more like brother (I love him like a sister can love her brother she always said). It also wasnt the first time, that she went with him to do something, as friends sometimes does, right? So I was fine with that, knowing that she have some important history with him, that she cares about him, that she wants him to be happy and I don't want to stand between these feelings, as they are no thread for me, for our relationship. But I was wrong. Aftet she came back, everything was normal - she told me about the trip, that it was awesome. She told me that her ex looked much better then before, that he was happy and that she felt something has changed in him and she is happy for that. I felt a bit jealous in terms of "hey, I want to have such an amazing experience with you too", so I decided that we will go on a trip of our own - you can see that I was compering to him at this moment. The trip went well and just the next day she said that she wants to go to her hometown alone, she needed to pick-up her new passport, because she is traveling to different country in a month (for 4 months). She stayed there few days and when she came back, we went for a drink outside and was planning to go to the cinema. But at the second we got our first drink, she told me that "I was cuddling with (her ex) when I was with him and I need to tell you that", that, kinda shocked me, but at the same time not too much. She in the second breath added, that she was touching his penis during that, but nothing more happened, not even a kiss. That, didnt added much more feelings to me. Now I'm 2 days after the conservation, in which I told her, that I feel distrust to her, the morning after I couldnt lay beside her, it was unpleasant for me, knowing that our relationship isnt so special as I though and I want him to be. We talked, I wasnt mad at her at any point, she described me how much she love him and that it was so strong feeling in that situation, that she wasnt able to resist. She also kept mentioning, that even though she love him, she most importantly love me and that she wants to be with me, not him and that I don't understand her love to him. I told her, that she is correct, I don't and I won't. But what I know, is that I don't want to have another person in our relationship, taking parts of what is between me and her and what is special for me. We were both crying at some point, but she were crying more, especially when I told her, that I don't feel the trust that I felt to her before and I don't want to tell her what she can and can't do, so I don't want to restrict her love to him in any way, BUT, I don't want to be in a relationship with a third person. She understand that. And right after that she send him a message, where she apologyze to him for what happened and that it can't happen again. She told me that. I decided to take it as a lesson, because I was probably giving more attention to my work then to my gf last month, so I understand that something like this could occur and that it wasn't her plan to let it happen. I decided to build the trust to her again, because, even though she did what she did, I love her. I feel like something similar must happen in every long-term relationship, or not? Do i behave like a fool? What would you do? Thank you <3

Thank you guys for sharing. Sorry I won't respond to all of it and without tagging to who I do respond to. It's kinda difficult to do it on the phone. So, you were talking about relationship dynamics and that they were set badly and that this time of ultimatum will fade away in the same dynamic (situation) as we had before, if we won't change the programs that lead us to here. - I agree 100℅ and I'm glad that when we were both talking about it, we came to few things that needs to change - not in the means of "you need to give me more attention", but really specific things such as "I don't want you to came from work and work again at home, because I might be waiting for you to spend some time with you". That is why I have hope... You also mentioned that I shouldnt read her messages without her knowing it and I agree too, did it for the first time, I thought I needed to be 100% sure if I make the decission to build up trust to her again and at that point with all of you telling me I shouldn't trust her I broke up that rule within me. Also strongly agree with Flowboy, when he made the point of "instead telling you that she's not happy with something, she goes to someone else" and I said exactly the same phrase to her. She responded with naming 3 occasions in which she did tell me that, but I ignored it. And, when I look back at it, she is correct in it. BUT It's not my mistake that she couldn't make it as a big deal for her - she wasn't able to communicate it as a real problem for her. Now we know, hopefuly won't forget. With the commentary on vacuum between us: YES, you said it perfectly. The whole issue can be seen now without avoidance and it is something that we need to go through. We decided to do something new together, something that we both feel passion for and that can be used as a new connection between us. We went to a archery range yesterday and it was awesome, it was the first come out from the "vacuum" and we both agree it felt well. Do you feel there might be some other threads to it that we didn't discuss yet? Thank you

Thank you all for your responses and thank you so much @Roy especially. Even though it may sound naive, I do believe her that nothing more happened. I'm not proud of it, but yesterday morning I went through her phone (without her knowing it) and they were talking about it - there was nothing more, than she said to me. But it doesn't matter now, we had pretty rough day yesterday as I went with all of it out. I was on my way out of the relationship. When she get it, she started begging me and promised me that it won't happen ever again. Sweet little words... I said that it will, that it is only a matter of time and I don't want to be in such shit ever again. She asked, in tears, what I want. I said that she will cut him off, completely, won't see him ever again. She stood there, in complete silence, looking at me for a few seconds and said "done, if you really wish that". You will tell him that right now. She did that. Then came such a strong vacuum between us. It feeels like everything was destroyed in that day. I needed to get outside, so I went out, thinking. When I came back, I could see it in her face that she spend the whole time waiting on me, if I come back. So, where this is going? We were talking the whole night, she was crying a lot, she didn't stop even when I get to sleep, because I was already so tired of it. I don't know. She had a good point in our conversation though. She said that she started to feel that since I got my new job I changed a lot. That I started to take her as granted, using her for sex, food and so on. Not showing her the respect of what she's doing for me - not in action, but only with words. And that she feels like I'm doing the same as she did. THESE THINGS CAN'T BE COMPARED I said. But I will make my best to not do it. Because there is some truth in it. Of course that she was looking for something to justify her behavior, we, as a people, do that all the time. I feel like I should give it some time to settle down, but I also know that it is hard to not fall for some bullshit again. What do you think might help me with that? She is going abroad in a month for 4 months straight. I think it's awesome to hear your opinions on this, since you can see it from higher ground than me. But also, you don't know everything, so I can't take it as a clear way to go. So my plan is to let the dust settle down for 2 days and see what will remain. If we can build something upon it, good, if not, good bye. I will keep you updated, since It might be easy for me to continue even though it will happen again. ("You are doing it right now Lubomír "- I can hear you saying - maybe) Thank you

Thank you! I'm going to bring it up again and make her to cut him off forever, or she can go to him, I don't care. I had similar situation with her before (when she were flirting with other guys) and I resolve it the hard way "Fuck off or respect me" and she stopped doing that and came to me. I don't know how I could forget that huh? Sweet little words... Will let you know how that went.

@BlackMaze Yeah, I started to have financial problems at that time, because my car and phone broke and I couldn't straight afford to fix it. We also planing to move together in one week to our own flat, so there's plenty of things that needs to be done. So yeah, I'm in stress. That's the thing I "blame" for it right now. Also thx for tips, I'm overall can control myself very well. But lately it's just so fucking hard :)... @DIDego Thx! I'm still working on not being ashamed of anything in my life and I improved a lot from the begining of my journey. Guess this sums it up :D, love it

So, this problem started like month ago. Until then I could have sex without ejaculation for like 15-20 min on everage, sometimes I didn't even ejaculate despite our sex being freaking awesome and we both really enjoyed it. But now it's weird for me. When she came back from abroad and spending 14 days of quarantine at hut of my parents with me, we then moved at "my place", where she stayed with me for almost 2 weeks. We was at that time at "my place" alone (we both still study so I had rented my own room with other couple living in the second room). Few days past by and everything was fine, we weren't only at "my place" but also at hers grandparents and few other places... But then my room-mates came and everything seemed to have huge tension. And that's where my problems with performance started. We still had plenty of sex, but I always came after like 2-5mins when I penetrated her. We talked about it when she was moving to her parents for hollidays and we both agreed that our whole sex after my room-mates came was not good, sometimes even platonic. She's right now at her parents and I came there for a visit too. We had sex and it was much, much better in terms of pleasure and connection, but I still couldn't last longer then few minutes. I'm starting thinking that it's not because of me, but because of her -> she had some real traumas with her father and she's been preparing for it the whole time (she finally decide to talk about it with him), so maybe she just got into stress and that realized itself even in her sexual way and her body. Maybe, I don't know. Just trying to hint some tips and comments on it. So feel free to say anything. Also, if it's relevant, we are together more than a year. Thx

I'm not really sure if I got it right... It seems to me that you are just scared to continue into something. Try to communicate with them about it. You just automatically asume, that girls can't be with you because of........ (But almost for sure, it will be turn-off for them if you try just to "tell them" instead of actually showing them, how you live your life)

So I just discussed it with my gf and she told me, that she feel like she's getting more and more passive in sex when we are together. Since I'm horny AF (in a good way), we have sex almost everytime when it's possible. And yes, I do feel like she somehow isn't that girl who she was before - in terms of sex (when we were dating and didn't spend so much time together). She was a lot more proactive, sometimes even did surprise me when she wanted to fuck at her workplace and so on :D. But yeah, when we are longer together, she don't have energy for that anymore since I would fuck her anywhere, anytime... and I bassicaly do. Don't get me Wrong :D, I'm not creepy "I wanna fuck girls" type. I just really enjoy it and when there's place for it, why not? Also, it's not like she does not enjoy it too. She does and keeps telling me that So my question is: Do you recognize these things in your relationships too? Right now we are both in different countryes, but I'm going to visit her soon. I wonder if I should cool myself a little bit? I'm courious!

Exactly. We do this together or for the other one often, like everything you listed and more. We for example love to take psychedelics together 3/4 times per year and just talk or "be". So in my opinion we are doing great in area of intimacy What I found is just me not being 100% conscious all the time when it comes to sex.

I ment "gross" like - idea of me using her just for pleasure while she is not doing that. I understand. Yeah, my lion tamer need more practice in this. Yes, I'm counscious about that And yes, I can see that I have a lot more energy.

@Emerald I feel that and completely agree... Right now I'm also doing no-fap and I can already feel more intimate with her even through text messages. I don't think I had sex with her for my sexual desires ever, it was always something deeper. But since I was huge "fan" of porn videos I tend to sometimes see her, for a glimpse of second, as something that I can manipulate with. It's really grose when I think about it... I also had a lot of sex in my dreams, with different womens, doing what I want. But since I'm with her it's not so often. I see it now, even though I love her, there was this addiction to sexual pleasure. And even though our sex is about emotions and intimacy, there's still these "programs" for me that I have in my head. I'm doing no-fap for second week now and my dreams about sex with different womens stopped. Just today I had a dream where another one wanted to please me so bad no matter what, but I remembered my GF and couldn't allow it. I'm happy for myself and even more happy that I can share these things with you, people on this forum. It's funny how quick we can found something new about ourselfs. And from "problems" of others shift to our owns... So, yeah, thanks!

@Parththakkar12 Yeah I think so, I would bend toward the second option, but I think it can be both, she had problems with that in the past (setting boundaries). Will talk about it with her @Shiva99 I don't know really. It can be, ofcourse, we are together just 1 year. This might be huge. Yeah, I think that I just need to give her space from time to time to let her engage. Because just today we were on Skype together and she suddenly started to be sexual. So yeah, I gues it's that!

Yes, this is definitely good point and to that I would add what @DrewNows said. For me it's just that combination of these two principles. 1. The hunting one and the hunted. 2. Seeking fullfilment in others. But, i don't think it's always in a way that the "bad ones" will take all. They may do, at first, but then it all crash and those "good ones" can strike. But yea... good guys usually come late. And in that time they might be pretty depressed from being alone and not worthy judged by society. There's plenty of examples even on this forum. Bad guys rollin because they are Mens, maybe an abbusive ones, but still Mens atleast. Good guys struggle with being a Man. They can't provide protection and other things for the women, even thought they usually think that they can...

@Mikael89 Bro, you need serious help. You're so stuck. I remember your posts like 2 months ago and you're still the same victim as u was. Go for a therapy, please. @Preety_India Time to grow again

@Lento So you're telling us that you don't care, but having sex with her would be good - then you do care And yes, as @ADD said. You just didn't make that fucking move. When you're doing this and that and expecting her to perfectly reciprociate for every goddam thing you do, then it's not gonna work at all. Girls don't want things that's obvious obvious. You need to build a tension that is obvious in terms where it will end -> in bed, or somewhere else, haha. And be careful about options that @Gili Trawangan suggested. They are great, yes! BUT God pls don't do them step by step, mechanicaly, add something to then in that moment. Also in a situation where you will be next time with her can be something that will not allow/interupt this. Be prepared to make completely your own move. Just do that move, bruh Also... I'm not very sure, but since her backstory I would expect her to not want just sex....

@Lento What would I do? Idk man :D, it seems like she accepted that you don't want to be with her and moved on from it. And that might be the reason why you suddenly feel something for her (you're not sure), or atleast overthinking this whole situation. Because you wasn't expecting this, so you're ego might be little bit hurt by that. That boner tho For me

@Preety_India This is some serious shit over here now. You're opening more and more about him. All the respect for you that you did not do something stupid to yourself because of his behavior. Well, except one thing, that you are still with him. Don't even think about it and leave him. If you're scared of him stalking you or even worse, go to police or tell your friends and family atleast. I don't know about the situation in your country and cultural things, but if you can, get away from him ASAP.

@Shakazulu it's not only about field footage, because then you might tend just to mechanicaly repeat what happened in that footage instead of thinking for yourself and get just the right patterns for it. I would recommend these 2 channels: Todd V Dating - And his The Art of Game Manifesto Maximilian Berger - he's got great infield videos Well, good luck

@Preety_India I feel like you opened up a lot more now I sincerely don't think that what @Leo Gura said is necessary true (I mean about your counsciousnes). I think that you need to work on your boundaries. I had the same problem lately. You need to recognize when things starting to not being pleasant/hurt you so you can act right away and don't allow them to happen again. But ye, I'm also adding - Run away from this vampire!

@remember Oh, right Atleast I know that I need to still work on this thing. Obviously I still have some connection with it... Thx And to @Preety_India. If you already did that (told him that you're not happy in a serious way) and that you need change -> and he didn't respond in a right way. Then, leave him... maybe try to give him a lesson (as few people said). Maybe he will understand and change after you leav him. But maybe not. Be prepared to get on your own foots again Wish you best luck with it!

There's 2 points which you can be refering to, so... If it's that it wouldn't be a problem for me to tell him in a serious way that I don't want from him to do that any longer, othervise I'm leaving, then yes, it wouldn't - and you're right, maybe I'm overpowering Pretty India... But if it's on that side that I would live with that problem anyway...? Oh, come on :D, in my past, maybe, but not anymore

@Preety_India At first, just tell him that you don't feel good about it at all. Sometimes we tend to think that the other person know and is conscious about everything we do. Maybe he's just isn't aware of it. Leo basically said the same. This might not be problem at all. GL

@Eph75@flume Flume, thank you. This is awesome insight

@ugreglo If you're unfuckable and ugly and have a low status, then, how about, I don't know, do something about it? And don't get me wrong, I definitely don't mean something like surgery and winning in lotery, lol. Just pay more attention to yourself. Get yourself new haircat if u want, buy some new clothes, hit a gym, go out on social events etc. Try to do something on your own, like run a bussines. Try to change something in the world. I was unfuckable too, few years back. Well, atleast I thought that I was like that. But now? Haha, Put some work in it and you will see! Good luck bro

@Aquarius I also see a lot of red flags. I would say that you're not really conscious about this whole thing. For me it seems like he have really low self-confidenc. How long do you know each other? When you're talking about moving to a different city, golden rings, kids.... for me these things may come after half of the year and even then it shouldnt be taken so serious... But that's just me