Viking

I would describe it as a state of mind, which, yeah, I am aware of, though in this state of mind, the thoughts are functioning differently, there is no desire to do things that i planned to do. The problem here is not whether i am suffering or not or whether im identifying with that state of mind, but what i am able to do and how i think and how i feel and what are the judgements about the feeling, etc. edit: by "i" i mean what is present in awareness

definitely, that affects my whole mental frame, like when you're really hungry you cant do anything but look for food

Very honestly, loneliness for me comes without even the involvement of the mind. it just happens when im not interacting with people. i put the label 'loneliness' for a certain unpleasant feeling and mood which i have. it's like hunger, i feel the feeling of hunger when i dont eat, same with this.

I am often thinking how would I act if i encountered a suicidal person, what would i say. and tbh i have no idea how i would go about it, i dont see any reason to stay alive from a perspective of a suicidal man. enlighten me please

In order to perceive beauty you have to be deluded, here's why: Say you see a flower. it's shapes, colors, maybe you can smell it or you can touch it and hear it. There is nothing in these perceptions that is "beauty", therefore beauty comes from your beliefs about the flower. Those beliefs aren't grounded in anything, it's empty stories. if you believe those stories so much as to perceive "beauty" and "awe" you are deluded by definition. if you take psychedelics and look at your hand and see beauty, you're deluded. if you look at a painting, and you experience beauty, you're deluded. if you see beauty in existence, you're deluded.

@cetus56 cool But only the mind can change it, therefore i have to play the mind's games. didnt understand what you mean. I will check it out

@cetus56 did you experience it or something like that?

why? it's still stories.

ok, i got it, that's new. but i got a new problem- if if know something isn't real, but i choose to appreciate it, the appreciation is less intense than if i had believed 100% it was real. Like when stuff happens in movies and in real life, you experience much more emotions in real life. so with that in mind, love is the same, it's also a delusion, the source of love, not the feelings of love, which are real. But the thing with love, is that it's unintentional, you cant control when you love and when you dont love. so if in your subconscious you know that love isnt real, you wont feel it, because for true love to be felt, you have to be deluded it's real, it's that kind of feeling. like you cant force yourself to be sad or happy by sheer will.

but that is because I forget it's not real, if i am conscious the whole time it's not real, i cant appreciate it. this is what happens in real life to me, if i get glimpses of beauty, habitually it's getting shot down because i know it's not real.

but my problem with it then, is i cant appreciate it, because i know it's fake. and everyone here including Leo always talks about appreciation of it.

a healthy fast is with water and supplements

it seems like everyone is praising your results, but aren't they bad news? i mean inability to think and bad memory is making you less effective in the world. not talking about your internal state, but what you can give to society. sadhguru always says that you should experience life fully, and not in a dull way.

I had 3 types of days. One type is tough, second is fearful, third is painfully sad. The first days were painfully sad, as i meditated the mind cleared and for no reason i cried for hours total, it was even painful, the sadness. Next on day 5 to 7 were fear days, i started to experience LSD like thought patterns, thought i was going psychotic and because of that tons of fear arose with surrender to it. next were the tough days (although every day was tough) but as u get to the end u want to go home already and you start counting days and sitting becomes very tough.

Don't have any expectations. I say that but you probably already have some expectations, since you're going to the retreat. Let me ruin them for you- most people i know including me who did the retreat didn't get much out of it. It's a really low chance anything transforming will happen there. it will be a different and new experience though, and you will probably learn about yourself, but you probably wont get any "glimpses" or anything like that. Now with those expectations do the retreat full force

I think advice like that won't work because to actually use the advice successfully a lot of previous experience and practice are needed, as well as in depth knowledge and implications of the advice, like a book would give. A few lines in a post will do very little probably.

I feel like you progressed too much too fast and you're having a major ego backlash. this is what happens when you start doing advanced techniques like self inquiry and kriya yoga without proper balance. I would advise to stop with the kriya yoga and the self inquiry. change it to breath awareness or any relaxing meditation of the sort. hang around more frequently with people if you're isolated. it will pass in a few weeks. start the serious practices after a few more years of balance building.

does it happen out of the blue or as a reaction to specific events in your life? for how long do you experience it? what spiritual practices do you do?

Take a trip with me for a sec- Persistent happiness is being content with the present moment. You get it through 2 ways: Meaning- living for other people, spiritual experiences, Being, virtues, relationships... Not resisting the present moment at all, in other words getting rid of all of your samskaras, purifying your soul so no resistance is left, full enlightenment as the buddha achieved. I think meaning just allows the brain to stop worrying that the present moment is good enough, which means it is good enough for now. Obviously the second option is nearly impossible and insanely hard, i think unachievable if you lead a usual western lifestyle, hence only the first option remains. notice- in the second option I include all the spirituality that youre doing- love, unity, relationships, whatever.. it is NOT the second option. 99.9% of happy people are happy because of the first option. now here comes my trap (i think its a trap): For there to be meaning for me that holds up and makes me happy, i have to be sure that the meaning is true 100%, otherwise, even if i slightly doubt it, the whole meaning goes out the window. I say that because even with a slight doubt, in the back of my mind I will feel that it's not enough, hence no happiness for me. The thing is that I cant ever be sure that the meaning is true 100%. Every meaning is a creation of our mind, because different people have different meanings, and stuff that you interpret a certain way for example animals may interpret a certain other way (see Leo's video on what is meaning). Therefore objective meaning is an oxymoron. Now, there is no objective meaning, but the meaning that i feel subjectively can be true, right? its there, I experience it. At the end of the day, the perspective that "everything is meaningless" is just a perspective, its not The perspective, theres no such thing as the perspective, so theoretically I could just go on with my life with the perspective in which I feel meaning, hence im happy, everything is cool. Personally I cant do that. Me knowing that the perspective I hold isnt the perspective, and that I know there are other perspectives equally valid doesnt let me believe that the meaning is 100% true, hence i cant be happy. at all. except if i go live in a cave for a few years and go the second way of getting rid of samskaras. basically im fucked. I guess im not THAT fucked, i can to some extent not resist the present moment due to meditations. i can also feel meaning sometimes when i forget that meaning is false or not absolute. but the lack of satisfaction comes back. I hope you understood what i wrote, I tried to be articulate. help P.S. what i wrote right now actually implies, that not love, not helping people, not knowing everything is one will make me happy. The only thing that will make me happy is to stop resisting the cruel meaninglessness of my existence. (thinking that meaninglessness is meaningful is a samskara and takes full enlightenment to get rid of, I think) P.P.S Maybe there is a better way to stop all resistance except buddha-like meditation, like gaining wisdom through studying combined with meditation, kriya yoga maybe, idfk, but meaning is NOT a way out. P.P.P.S I guess love and all that stuff is just a side effect and not the point.

but practically in order to realize that "im ok" i have to set it as a goal, otherwise i will just be as clueless and suffering as everyone around me. i have to "try" to be conscious and accept the present moment as it is. i think to really be liberated i need to first realize, become conscious, of jus how much meaningless existence is, and then accept it. if i wont, ill just stay where i am now.

i dont want to be free of this, i want to not experience daily meaninglessness and emptiness. i dont even control or induce the emptiness, its just there as a result of going a bit deep. even if i accept it in the moment, it comes back later.

but how will i look for meaningless if i wont seek liberation? i need first, in my life, find out whats my north star, you know what im saying? without the north star, which for me is happiness, which is seeking liberation, im just wandering around aimlessly in the darkness.

like i mentioned in the post, being happy (being satisfied with the present moment) constantly, due to seeing life as meaningful (option 1) and not due to dropping all resistance to life (option 2)

yeah thats what im saying, therefore u cant be consistently happy off meaning

im not sure whether to do spirituality right now or later. im very young, 20 years old, inexperienced and naive. im not sure i can handle spirituality right now. i think i need to build up my emotional intelligence and grow up a bit first. what leads me to thinking that is the following: I did a vipassana retreat and it was too overwhelming. tons of fear and anxiety. I did LSD-25 and i was very deluded the next few weeks as a result. i believe too automatically in my thoughts. When i dont ejaculate for more than 2 weeks im starting to experience transformations of consciousness and energetic movements which are too much for me. kriya yoga and various meditations are way too much for me, im on the edge of having panic attacks (i always manage to control them, so they dont manifest) basically, if i dive into spirituality right now ill get deluded, detached, depressed and go insane. also for now my philosophy is not solid, i dont think spirituality is necessarily better than connection to people, attachment and meaning. maybe its a combination, i dont know, i didnt experience enough of the world to know. what i do now is work on my relationships and career, with some wim hof and casual concentration meditations. am i bulshitting myself here? avoiding something? will i go crazy if i go into spirituality? i know people have gone insane and deluded from this. i've met a lot of people who are very deluded because the did spirituality prematurely. in order to study the kaballah you need to be 40 years old first.