Viking

that's what ive been planning

im feeling now like nothing is really interesting. when i look back at my life i always tried to force interest. When i've seen something that had a potential of being interesting, i acted as though it was interesting and in my mind i was telling myself it's interesting, but i was never really in awe, never, as far as i can remember. i dont really care and didnt really care about anything deeply and consciously. For example when i heared of quantum mechanics for the first time, i thought it was interesting, but i didnt have that "holy shit" experience. I might have said to myself "holy shit", but that didnt feel honest, i didnt actually get mindfucked. fuck, even when i took lsd for the first time i wasnt impressed too much, i would imagine that for most other people it would be mind-blowing, but i took it as indeed interesting, but not something mindfucking/mindblowing. Im connecting that to the concept of maslow's hierarchy of needs, and i notice that as far as ive got in the hierarchy is the safety part. i dont experience any love nor self respect what so ever. i do have sometimes deep compassion for people but it's not it. maybe because of that, nothing is really interesting? I notice love, sexuality and the concept of orgasmic spiritual experiences (i didnt have any) is what's really in my desires, and less the high consciousness stuff. I've become conscious enough to the point where i can tell somewhat subtle subconscious reactions of my body and mind to daily situations. for example my subconscious craves for sex and intimacy a lot, like constantly checking girls out and having unconscious sexual fantasies that i become aware of usually in retrospect. it makes my mind criticize myself a lot, i notice the self deprecating thoughts and jealousies very well. sometimes the sexual cravings become too much and the masturbation comes on to the conscious mind and i think consciously i have to masturbate, although that's because i dont really know what to do with that and i dont want to suffer repressing it. what i plan to do about it is to work on my self esteem in the near future, after i finish reading the sedona method. i cant do anything about the sexuality and love part because i dont have the self esteem for it, and i dont know how to approach it, maybe because of my ego, saying "i dont want love, who needs that, i can do fine by myself", while the subconscious tells other stories. my question is. is that logical or am i deceiving myself somewhere here? is the plan alright? and a big problem i face is that i have little motivation for my studies, because of what i mentioned earlier, and because im in the middle of the life purpose course. i feel like i have to get my basic needs in order, then the studies will theoretically interest me, but i barely have time to get them in order because i study, is there something i can do to have motivation?

is it achievable only with those 2?

what is the point of kriya? i mean why does it work? what should happen? does breathing up and down the spine calm the monkey mind and lets you concentrate and enter samadhi? that's it? or can it make some energies really intense in the body? i had some mild energy-like feelings. i didnt have too extraordinary experiences and im doing the practice for 2 months, im afraid i might be doing something wrong because my breathing is not in best shape, i often get lost in thought in the middle of the practice and during the concentration.

@pluto unfortunately i cant be excited about spiritual stuff because im afraid to fall into beliefs. truth is more important to me than cool experiences.

i didnt have any expectations

start reading books. leo's booklist is great. one book id recommend is "the sedona method" it offers ways to let go and surrender, usually what you have to do with fears like you have. i started being scared of going psychotic because i started to hear sounds while meditating, but i just surrendered that fear and it barely happens anymore, and i dont fear.

i also did one meditation like that but didnt feel anything afterwards. that just means that its personal.

that's it, it's pretty simple, gratitude is one of the most powerful sources of happiness. (though for me it's insanely hard)

I dont have much personal experience, but he pointed that out in his video that his previous experiences helped him. I think (my opinion, didnt experience anything, again) that you need to experience enlightenment/truth/god a few times to be able to surrender. i think mostly enlightenment doesnt come with a bang, but slowly. Leo experienced a lot of god states using psychedelics and ordinary glimpses, my guess would be the more you have them the easier it will be to surrender. maybe try psychedelics if you havent already. aside from that, that is again my opinion, that fulfillment is not binary. you can have various levels of fulfillment. im sure you felt very fulfilled a lot of times in your life and didnt notice it, because we're usually not fulfilled when we think of some desire or "i want to be fulfilled". notice that enlightenment is the absence of unfulfillment, and not fulfillment. think about this sentence: do you actually believe it? where did you get that belief? seems like a bunch of bullshit to me tbh. if you havent already maybe try a vipassana retreat and see maybe how fulfilled you can be.

continue growing and never stop no matter what

I did cry in psychedelics and a few days after, but that's all. im planning to read some jung and at the same time to work on my shadow. I tried and still am trying to get into the core of my issues but never mange to.

wish I could cry, there's so much to let out... im jealous I like your profile pic

Today I meditated twice, and in both of those times, i had the following: having thoughts that sounded like other people, hearing music and just hearing sounds. those thoughts were not of my control. for a few seconds i heared my name time and time again by different voices. I also entered kind of a dream like state for a few split seconds here and there that seemed like im in a dream, like i was in some sort of story. that stuff happened when my attention lowered from my breath, when i tried hard to concentrate on breath i didnt have anything. also since the first few sounds came up i started to notice them and when i noticed them they increased. i panicked a little thinking i have schizophrenia or something like that so the voices increased, but then i let go and at the end of the second session i was focused on my breath. is that stuff normal? it has been happening just today, but a few months ago it was also present for a very few meditation sessions. I smoked cannabis 2 days ago and had some dream-like "visuals" (not really visuals, more like imagination), it could be connected. also after my lsd experience I also had sort of a thing like that, imaginatory visuals and sounds, after the effects had passed. few months ago when i had a similar experience i didnt take any drugs.

@cetus56 very accurate

@zoey101 @starsofclay funny that i started this topic from a point if concern and it ended up with "how do i induce that"

lmao yeah, i think its probably that, though it appeared im pretty sure because of the weed, other people who smoked with me reported the same

I dont, so yeah... ill see how stuff goes. I do have some related stuff though like my speech is kinda disorganized, im jumping from topic to topic, i have concentration problems

I remember seeing the video, i dont remember anything said about that, is it there?

should i go get evaluated?

please point out to me if you think im deceiving myself, because it seems too simple. i am simply what is. the ego is what is if awareness is on the ego. so sometimes i am the ego. using the term "i" to describe what i am is kinda not appropriate, because i used to use "i" as a label thats pointing to the ego, not to what i really am. when i pursued enlightenment i was expecting some experience. there doesnt have to be some special experience or something like that when one realizes, because awareness was always awareness. if the realization of awareness appears inside awareness nothing more has to necessarily happen inside awareness. its already the case that i am awareness, nothing has to happen.(by inside awareness i mean as awareness) my identity doesnt exist, it only exists when the feeling "identity" is in awareness, because awareness is existence, theres nothing more besides awareness, because if there was something it would be still awareness. i still identify with the ego when im unconscious, when on autopilot, but when i am conscious i get it that i just am. is what i described now what people call enlightenment? its very simple, theres no mystical experience or something, i feel absolutely normal, i just know "what i am". is there somewhere to go from here? what i guess i should do now is purify the habits, become aware of holes where there is identification with the ego, if the ego resists i can realize i am the resistence, which would purify the mind. love kind of naturally arises for some negative experiences in the body if there is the realization that it is awareness. as i pointed earlier i sometimes forget i am awareness so i gotta get used to get back to that realization whenever i need to. (the realization cant be always present in awareness because its dynamic and limited, its like the screen of a tv can show only a limited image) i notice there is still duality, but at the same time its all the same thing. there are different objects but its all awareness. i think i am free of suffering if im aware at the moment. i will see how ill be in a few days, maybe i am deceiving myself, it cant be that simple, can it? i would appreciate also your input to point out where my faults are.

this work is impossible without surrender. I also experienced somewhat they way you described, like no one is behind the eyes, but it was less intense and I didnt panic. i was like "oh, i dont exist, thats cool". if you have'nt read the book "the power of now", you better, it teaches you how to surrender. if you HAVE read the book, but a long time ago, reread it, im doing it right now and the wisdom is entirely different. surrender bruv

enlightenment doesnt have anything to do with emotional mastery or personal development. probably when you say enlightenment you associate it in your mind with someone like sadhguru who is hella mighty. he's hella mighty not because he's enlightened, more like he's enlightened because he's hella mighty.

i guess the case with me is that i know what i am and can experience it, by not applying meaning, but i have ego beliefs that im not aware of. i feel like i have to start questioning everything in my life and compare it with this truth.

most of our reality is shaped by our ideas, therefore we always get bored, life is dull, etc. how to perceive reality as it is aka to open your third eye? are there any courses, techniques, meditations...? i do kriya yoga, but so far it just gives me strange feelings in the body and lightheadedness. i also meditated breath awareness, but tbh it was crap, i was definitely doing it wrong.