Viking

yeah, relatable indeed lmao, but in your situation I think it was caused by getting out of the daily routine of school days.

I wonder if to transcend the ego one has to develop it fully. im talking about sahaja samadhi, can a guy in his 20s achieve that? im asking not to speculate or something, im asking to know better what to do with my life. where does the extreme drive to get enlightened come from? for me it's to be the best fucking human being that's possible to be. I realize it's just another desire of the ego, but I cant help it, it's there, that extremely masculine fire to be the best. best doenst necessarily mean powerful, smart, or any of that stage orange stuff, but more wisdom, the best from the best and wisest perspective so to speak.

for example there's chakra meditations, some osho meditations, which are kind of special and arent done every day. If I do a certain meditation just one time, can just the nature of the meditation bring me to some higher/calmer/more blissful state, at least for some time? and can it bring about extraordinary states, much more than just "calm"? for exapmle I do a certain meditation just this once without preperation or anything, and enter an extremely blissful state just like that. is that possible? and all the impermanent experiences beside, is doing a special meditation once in a while worth it at all? or is meditation should be done everyday for some results?

I have no idea where im heading, therefore I have no clue as to what stage im in, I dont know for what insights to look for and what to contemplate in order to get them. for example I tried to contemplate what I am, I understood that I really dont exist inside this body, it's empty, therefore I gotta be or nothing or everything that is in my perception. that made no difference what so ever on how I think about life and I just go about thinking that im this body while if i sit for a while i will remember again i am not. or that or im deceiving myself. that just shows how low i am in terms of growth, I have absolutely no clue about anything and i dont have the slightest idea where to go. i remember days after i took lsd i was in such a clear state of mind that i could hear my inner voice, i knew just exactly what to contemplate and where to go, but now my mind is so cluttered i have no idea. i dont understand what youre trying to say isnt that just getting blown by the wind whichever way it wants to blow?

can you link the specific video please?

I measure results by the integration of the insights into daily life, but if those insights/experiences are very tough to integrate through singular experiences, then how do I integrate them at all?

@How to be wise and what are those techniques?

whatever is the best in the wisest perspective, so "feeling special" doesnt fall into that category, since it's not the best from the wisest perspective. again, best not in a limited sense as you describe here.

what does it mean?

tl;dr I dont want to study, but I have to study, when I study im suffering, wtf do i do I study physics, I finish in one year and I have to get ok grades and not to drop out. after than I will have a pretty good position in army, the army pays for my studies, if i drop out, i will have to repay everything. the position in army will involve some physics and leading projects, human relations, articulating my speech, it will be great for me, and it sounds interesting. im also interested in what im studying right now, which is quantum mechanics, statistical physics and other stuff, its very interesting. the problem is whenever i sit to study i feel a repulsion. in my mind watching a movie is better time spent than studying. when I dont procrastinate and do get myself to do homework, to study, I suffer through it and in the back of my mind i want to finish it faster because it feels like a waste of time. i have no idea why i feel that way, i realize intellectually its not the case at all but that is what goes on in my mind. im suffering really bad when i dont do homework or when im doing it, i have to force myself to study and that is also suffering. even though the content is interesting i dont care that its interesting and i wanna finish it as fast as i can. when i picture to myself in my head "studying" vs "watching a youtube video" for example, the studying is suffering and the watching feels exciting, though not always, nowadays often times im in a mood in which even watching is not interesting, not watching movies, not reading books, not anything i used to like. The thing is that I have to study often times a lot, it takes a lot of time to finish a single set of homework and that is most of my time, I feel like its a huge waste of time, so i want to change that somehow, i want to feel that the time i invest in studying is worthwhile and not just know it. studying time is more worthwhile than watching movies, that i know for sure, it develops my thinking capabilities, my studying capabilities, it will make me better at my future position at the army, so i dont understand why i dont feel like it is worth the time. when I think that most of my day will go into studying and that is most of my days i feel meaninglessness, repetitive daily boredom, going nowhere, existing only now, without meaning. I wouldnt mind the meaningless if it wasnt so painful, i dont have any joy in the present moment, its just empty, when i dive into that emptiness my mind remembers the meaninglessness and gets restless, it wants something to happen, to unfold, it cant just be. im always craving food or entertainment or porn, i sometimes masturbate even if i dont want to. often times when I wake up im the most conscious, my view of life is least cluttered with my daily shit, and i notice how it gets cluttered little by little until i transition into my daily persona again. in those clean moments I feel dread for the day and the responsibilities to come, i try to surrender to it as much as i can, maybe saying "dread" is a bit much, but the feeling is uncomfortable. My goal in life right now is to survive university and transition into army, and by the way to discover my life purpose through the course. however i realize that stuff is just to set my path, to survive, to know where im going, thats not the point of life, the point is to enjoy now, though i dunno how to do it. I got a bit carried away but I feel a general discomfort because I have to do something I dont want to do and which is hard to do, though which is also up to my capabilities to do. sometimes i get anxiety because i know im not studying fully, as i could. i dont study fully because of that resistance, even if i would try to, and i often try, its very hard with that resistance present. pushing through that resistance creates suffering. the anxiety comes from the fear of failure. im basically sitting to do homework and i want to do something else, and it drives me nuts. I tried to inquire into what makes that resistance, and the answer i came up with is partly what i told before, the waste of time, the desire to do something else. im studying to become the best human being i can possible be, why do i need that? to have the best life i can possibly have, I have to survive somehow, therefore i need money, but i want that money to come with least suffering, therefore i need to be a highly skilled person with good learning, thinking and verbal capabilities. in addition i want to serve people in the best way i can, that is the most meaningful thing as far as meaning goes, that is besides truth. im crying now because it's that important to me to ease people's suffering, im getting really emotional when I think about giving my life for other people, but i still have that fucking resistance which i dont know how to deal with or where it really comes from. how do i get rid of that resistance to study? - i know i need it and i have to do it, but i got habitual resistance therefore procrastination how do i deal with that meaninglessness and accept i can only live now? edit: I dont think a person can use the same thing to motivate himself for years to do something, its all about habits. But im so deep in shit thinking habits that i dont know if i can get out. I tried but its so fucking hard, almost impossible it seems like. I think the resistance is a habit, the wrong studying is a habit.

i just listened to an audiobook called "kick ass with mel robbins" and i think i figured out why i procrastinate. its because when im getting about to start studying, im so stressed that my brain just says 'nope' and i feel like i have other things to do, thats why the studying would be a waste of time. i procrastinate to relief stress. the problem is i have no idea what that is and i think i need someones help to figure it out. my brain is truly in such chaos like @White said that i have way too much shit to figure out so i cant study. i also may have ptsd or a subtle form of it. i suspect that because i notice that sometimes i get numb when im in tough situations or when i get bad emotions and i masquerade that as "surrendering to the present moment".

psychedelics can give you a broader view of the world which in turn will make your priorities clearer, but life purpose is something that is found over a large period of time and experience. in the afterglow personally i had a very clear mind therefore i was extremely creative, and could think up of stuff regarding the life purpose i couldnt before. though during the trip you cant concentrate so it depends on luck.

@phoenix666 didnt trip since

after a few sessions of shamanic breathing and about 2 months of kriya yoga i started to feel anger, towards myself and other people. i also feel frustration when im failing at something, i cant take it and continue trying, i just give up because of the immense frustration and restlessness. im not sure whether the kriya and the breathing are necessarily the cause of this. i also hear my mind often judging and being angry, i have the feeling like i want to shout and punch something, I'm observing it though and not acting on it. i also have extremely often a feeling like i want to cry but i cant. sometimes i manage but its rare.

allow them to be felt, go into it. when you put resistance the emotions will flow slower and you heat up, like a resistor in an electrical circuit. be a superconductor, be like water. let it all flow through you whenever it comes, dont resist. The fact that those emotions exist mean that they triggered some beliefs in you, something you hold dear, like in this case your self image maybe. inquire into what theyre pointing to and notice whats the root of the emotions. then look at that and accept it, what i meant by accept, i mean dont do anything, dont start thinking "its not good, im not doing this good enough, im a stupid person" notice its all thoughts and just continue surrendering. you could also try shamanic breathing or psychedelics for emotional healing.

i preserved the ability to see the "meaning of things" from an lsd trip. for example i have a brother and he always laughs at "funny" to him things. i dont laugh mostly when i see these things with him but i recognize what conscious state he might be in, in which that particular thing is funny, i see the "funniness" of it that he sees. i also notice the "story" feeling of everyday life. what i mean by that is that there is reality, which has no particular meaning, but we see it as something that has meaning. we see the meaningless objects but we give a certain taste to it, with every perception if i become conscious of it i can differentiate between the "feel" of the perception and the pure meaningless perception itself.

as long as you act authentic i dont see a problem

It sure is triggering for stage orange and blue, but im not sure what stage the commune itself is. It seems at the surface like green, love, spirituality, but I think it's more blue than green. judging by the role of women in the society, that they have a certain predestined role, and that the "teacher" lays out what everyone has to do, isnt that blue? attaching to beliefs and stuff? also what I noticed!! that triggered me a slight bit is that the teacher tells everybody what they have to do, and the people cant do what they freely want, that's kind of toxic and unsustainable, people are gonna get pissed off sooner or later to be told what to do. I guess that's the orange in me speaking. what stage do you think this commune is on? also the "teacher" talks as if god is something, and not everything, so i doubt his wisdom. also my guess would be that the people there believe in a god in the sky, so it's also kind of a blue theme. very hard to differentiate between blue and green.

@Recursoinominado i didnt have any experience of "toxins" in my body or im not aware of them. to me it sounds like the process of detoxification is just me harming myself and thinking it's somehow healing me. it all depends on how you look at it and how you believe it. i could likewise get cancer and have cancer symptoms and think its god's will purifying me or something. the point is, I dont know what it truly is and as I see it, i think its dangerous to fast and im afraid to do so.

@pluto I dont think I would try it because im afraid, but update if you try to do some physical exercise successfully or unsuccessfully I feel like sometimes my feelings and body deceive me, I have a sense that I know something truly but it turns out to be false at the end.

can you run 3km in this state?

be prepared to get frustrated with that stuff, it's possible to rewire your brain to be grateful, but its hard. personally for me it was too hard and I started hating it, after a few weeks I gave up, even though I cried at a lot of sessions of gratitude I did.

LMAO, you think that kriya yoga is like taking a shit and if the shit cuts off in the middle the rest is just going to hang there? and youre talking about the preperatory exercises, which are very harmless. I dont think if you quit it in the middle it does anything. also i wouldnt recommend kriya for "relaxing purposes". meditate or something, do some breathing exercises, surrender, be mindful, theres a lot of stuff you can do in time of stress. dont do kriya for that, it's not for relaxation.