Viking

@NoSelfSelf @Torkys @cirkussmile thank you, i will come to this post again and again until it will finally click

@cirkussmile I think most of my suffering is not arising out of resistance to circumstances but out of not doing what I think I should be doing because it's uncomfortable. but how do I get there? For example whats relevant for me right now is when I study I feel emotional pain, it feels natural that I would wish for there not to be pain and to feel pleasant emotions. Am I suffering because im wishing for there not to be pain? how do I get rid of that wish? I can see that, when for example I interact with people positively I feel a certain connection/love.

thanks, I will try to be mindful and see when I suffer

@Torkys I dont fully understand what you mean by boundaries. and what you mean I guess is "listening to the inner guru". in that case I have no idea how to do that, I remember after an lsd trip I was able to, when my mind was clear, but it faded as my mind started to pollute.

then I have no idea what it is nor how to feel it. i dont understand good question. I have no idea how to describe it, but I can give examples. it's like when I can just be and not need anything, im actually cool with the present moment and i dont want the future. i remember for example when i was a kid and i went with my parents to a hotel with pools and food and stuff, it's not that the material things made me enjoy it, but the atmosphere/vibe and the aliveness/calm I felt there, watching the sunset near the pool and I felt like the moment was perfect. another example is during my teenage years I had friends and sometimes rarely I was having real fun with them playing video games or hanging out, I also didnt need anything else in the moment, though that was with dependence on circumstances, the hotel thing was also like that. and how in the world does one do that, if not with techniques? what is true spirituality? retreating to a buddhist monastery? retreating to a cave?

you need circumstances for that, like other people to love. and how do you get that?

It's not all the time like that, it's not even often, actually it happened just a few times, but it makes me very scared. It usually happens when I try to go to sleep, my mind just starts thinking, imagining, and it cant stop. It starts to imagine objects, sounds, situations, sometimes rapidly, I start to think about that and it keeps the cycle on. I try to calm my mind like in meditation, be aware of breath or something, but that also perpetuates it. whatever I try or dont try to do it just keeps going. sometimes I get scared of it and it perpetuates it even further. It happened most notably the night after I have taken LSD and a day after LSA. it's 2AM right now for me, it happened just now and in the midst of it the idea popped into my mind to ask about it here. believe it or not but tonight is a little bit special, I havent masturbated in 3 days. usually I just dampen my system with masturbation almost every day but I happened to not do it because i got sick of it a little already. Every emotion feels intense, I feel a constant 24/7 pressure in my chest and sometimes in the back of my head, I feel a little more creative and I have more insights than usual. my guess all this happens because of that, maybe i will just continue masturbating because I cant control the energy. How do I go about this? how do I control that without masturbating? my guess is I need to continue doing yoga and to continue meditating, but it seems like it doesnt do anything.

haha thanks, after I wrote this post I watched some youtube videos, masturbated lmao and it went away. I guess I cant have too much energy in the body until I have more control.

but i fear that if i let it go on something bad is going to happen.

sometimes when i meditate and i clasp the hands in the middle, after a while into the meditation i feel like my arms are to the sides and not in the middle. its as if i can see from the perspective of my left brain and feel like my right arm is far left and the same for the left arm, it feels as if its far to the right. when i open my eyes, until i look at my hands or move them i feel this way. its scaring me in the meditation because im afraid ill get stuck with this perception and wont be able to function normally later so it messes my meditation up. have someone encountered this?

it happened without lsd also regarding the whole anti psychedelics thing, im not sure whether i should take them. theyre making me so free of my mental constructs, i feel like i would be doomed without them. ive taken lsd only once, and in that time i realized how much in a bubble i am and seen life from a new perspective which helped me decide better what to do. normal brain function is so crippling. on the other hand its true that insights dont last but its an extremely useful tool to refresh your brain from all the bullshit you put into it.

well, try to be more mindful, and if it goes away so be it. the most important part is if u recognize it and become aware that you resist, let go.

they are. i recommend the booklist highly btw.

i think if you will try enough times eventually you will succeed if you want it, my guess is you dont. dunno man i've been in the army environment and its a total waste of time, it wont change you definitely, only you can change yourself. I was about a month in the army and at the start I started to feel like im getting "disciplined" but time passed and i was getting lazy even in the army environment. after that month I got back to my old ways. only you can change yourself, no environment can do that for you.

for me every time i experience something "cringy" or I have sudden self awareness near people, or generally something would happen that triggers me emotionally I feel that burning sensation in my chest. I guess the only solution is to first not resist it, whatever happens let it be, resistance will only make it worse. second do some shadow work and go deep into those memories and see what's the problem, what's holding you, face your fear, surrender to it. you can also do some shamanic breathing or take psychedelics. if it's way too intense to do alone you can go try a different therapist, I think their quality varies a lot. do some spiritual work, consciousness work, meditation, yoga, chakra work, yada yada... this stuff is common at least to some degree, everybody experiences strong emotional triggers sometimes, though for some trauma might amplify it, that means that for these people it takes more hardcore work to overcome. try reading books, "loving what is" "the sedona method" are really really helpful. take what I say with a grain of salt

this is where im stuck in orange i think. on the outside when im interacting with people i feel love for them and Im trying my best to make them good, but when im to myself theres a ton of judgement and hate towards people, i dont necessariliy agree with what goes on in my head but i dont feel love for others when im in that state.

im not understanding because you talk in such a complicated language, why cant you talk like a normal human?

that's just false, I can think of someone and love at the same time

i've no idea, everybody's talking about it and apparently life will be better with it

@Arkandeus did you answer the question? didnt get you.

@njuufa you both say "love yourself first" How do I love the ugly parts of myself if they're ugly by my own definition therefore not deserving love and should be eliminated?

Lately every day I wake up,I turn off my alarm clock and go back to sleep, not caring when i wake up. I stopped exercising. My university semester ended and I finished the last required homework sets so all i do in my free time is either wasting it or watching youtube videos or watching movies, listening to music, watching football etc. I have a lot to study for the exam period but im not doing it. I eat a lot of sweets, my diet has gone to shit. I gained about 4 kg in the last month. I stopped reading books, because I read them in the morning but now im waking up so late. What I want to do is just lay on the sofa and play some candy crush. 2 weeks ago I was sick so I stopped my yoga routine because I couldnt do it, but I didnt go back to it yet even though im healthy already, i dont meditate either. I stopped a long time ago the life purpose course because it started to be hard. I watched some motivation videos, wanted to start doing the life purpose course, but then gave up shortly after before starting. I dont know how I got into this situation, i was sliding into it slowly, one little thing after another, a few minutes waking up later turned into whole mornings. I realized where this would lead at the time but I didnt do anything about it, i didnt care, i kind of still dont, but at the same time i do, HAAAA. I know to break free I need to set some aim, get some vision but I just dont get into doing it. It feels like I could easily break free but i just dont get into doing it, i dont want to. I guess my only motivation right now is fear, I fear failing my exams, I fear not actualizing, if i dont my life will be shit, i fear ending up on the street or under my parents' care. if i end up in the extreme of those situations i guess ill kill myself. a huge fear of mine is being like most people, lazy, working a "comfortable good job" getting home and sliding into comfort, never seeing the higher dimensions of life. I still dont do anything though.

man, for some reason that dude's videos just bore me to hell

Watch Hayao Miyazaki movies. The green is just oozing from all of the holes. See if you have any resistance to feeling whatever comes up within you in his movies. I watched Porco Rosso yesterday and I felt some "cringe" at some moments, in other words resistance for love. I noticed that and just let it go and wept like a child through the movie. The atmosphere of his movies brings me to my childhood, where everything is so alive.