Viking

this topic made me look at life in a way i have never looked before, thanks.

I dont have any desire to grow anymore, i do that out of necessity. I dont have dreams i want to achieve. i just want to not be disturbed. sometimes i feel like i just want to stop existing (I would never consider suicide, dont worry about me) i dont want to initiate anything, i dont want to initiate conversations with people, im ok by myself, being proactive takes too much energy, i dont want to do that. i dont think im depressed, im not sad or anything either. im actually fine. im just tired, just want to do nothing. and its not that i need a break, ive had a lot of vacations, i have a scheduled relaxation time in the day, im not stressed too much. i dont know why i dont want to do anything. any ideas?

im getting tons of insights all the time, i cry, i realize stuff about myself, i see through my delusions, but i always forget, it never sticks. for example i realize that my social anxiety is caused by me wanted to get liked by others. i try to force certain behaviors, im not authentic, which makes me anxious. i realized i dont need to do anything to be liked, and deeper than that, that i need others approval to approve of myself i cried for like 20 minutes after i realized that. ok, so i realized all that yet i still find myself acting fake and unnatural. do i have to remind myself of those insights daily? do i need to figure them out over and over so they sink? i dont get it.

@NoSelfSelf thanks

oh awesome, ill definitely watch the video if leo has it, do you have any idea how it was called?

As i often post, i feel empty so i crave entertainment, connection with people, food, etc. I want to be able to more easily accept that emptiness and accept every suffering that comes. More generally, dismantle the resistance of the ego to life. Which daily meditation is best for that?

@Salvijus thanks but i hate self inquiry actually i think im not ready for it

@zambize lol dude chill im ok, i think im gonna do the awareness of thoughts meditation that was in the list you stole from nahm.

would that be effective as a 20 minute meditation? @zambize ill look into it, thanks.

what's that? also i very often get lost in thought when i do do nothing, will that go away? generally i was extremely lost in thought throughout most of my meditation sessions and ive been meditating for a year and a half already.

@Sahil Pandit @Serotoninluv @Jack River great answers, thanks.

thank you all for trying to help me, but as someone pointed out here i just need to get some friends, no need for me i think for some spiritual mumbo jumbo because it doesnt work for me right now. ill just have to wait it out while surrendering to the (sort of-) suffering and this period will pass.

@Joseph Maynor I did the life purpose course for about half a year but i came to a conclusion that i cant know for now what my passion is because im too young, i didnt experience enough of the world to have enough perspective to know what i want to do. the answers i give at the life purpose course are crap, because my identity hasnt solidified yet, i barely have any preferences and tomorrow i could decide that all my values i chose for the values exercise are a whole another set of values. ill wait a year or two or three before i engage in the life purpose course and find my passion.

I wanted to start therapy for a long time, but what do i tell them exactly? i cant pinpoint whats wrong.

@Yousef im sorry if im frustrating, thank you for your help, i didnt intend to be annoying. I dont see though how im contradicting myself. I am meditating daily, but i dont see how that would help being lost in thought in nature. meditation is very tough for me and not working very well, at least to silence the mind. its just that ive tried out your advice before and it doesnt work for me. I dont see how im contradicting myself. I said that I believe the voice in my head, and I said that im aware of it.

after a long time believing in enlightenment i stopped believing it and started inquiring into my direct experience. i have a feeling you believe in enlightenment.

@Yousef I meditate daily, I tried g ratitude practice, it became boring and i started to hate it, because its so hard to come up with more things to be greatful for, it ruined my morning. I had vacations, this state is not new. when im in nature im lost in thought. i actually feel exhausted and anxious that i said something wrong. thats actually good advice, thanks, ill try to be even more mindful of my mind when im facing fears, maybe ill see that the mind is truly lying to me and ill stop believing in it what do you mean? awareness is always here, i am aware of the voice in my head, theres no such thing as awareness, there are only things to be aware of. its like saying "suddenly you will see the difference between feeling and the sensation in your hand" you can only feel the sensation, you cant be aware of the process of the act of feeling.

i am already trying to talk to people more, it scares the shit out of me and im always having this body rush of embarrassment, heat, especially in the face, i guess its called blushing, very unpleasant. i have no idea, i have this intuitive sense that there's something wrong with me. like im living wrong, not doing everything as i should. people often say that im weird, and i also feel that im weird. i cant point to it, i just know its there. ive no idea what to do about it. @ajasatya i cant allow myself to do it, because i identify with these thoughts and believe firmly they are mine and they have their place and i shouldnt ignore them. @Etherial Cat of course i can stop my thinking for a few seconds, but where does it lead me?

when i try to do what he says, fear arises (not the feeling, the worry), because i believe there is something wrong with me and i need to figure out what is wrong and fix it, so i have to continue thinking.

I read his book "the power of now" and a few youtube videos, i didnt get much out of it. i dont understand him. i dont have a girlfriend, i have some acquaintances but no close friends. im a student, but studying is hard and frustrating often. i have a family who cares about me but im rarely with them and i dont like being with them very much, I do love them though. i dont have close friends because i cant resonate with any of my acquaintances enough to do things outside study. getting a girlfriend is almost impossible because the only public places im at are the library to study and lectures, but in the lectures there are around 5% girls and in the library everyone is busy studying so i cant talk much. but i dont want to rely on those external things to keep me going, i want to be able to live well by my own. i dont want to depend on others.

@Etherial Cat i feel like youre right about the apathy and the negative thinking. i dont know about the posotive thinking, because my mind starts to be very cynical. i am meditating daily, but the problem is that i identify with and give much value to my thoughts, so i cant just silence the mind, i believe there is value. of course i dont know what im talking about, if that would actually happen i would be freaking out probably. but thats the way i feel. i am definitely going through the motions, but with mindfulness ive managed to be ok with it, i dont suffer as much as i used to. the only think i can think of as a challenge is talking to strangers. for now when i try to do it im getting stuck in my mind, i start asking myself do i really want to now, what if he/she will need to go in a few seconds? and i freeze and cant start talking. im believing my mind very much.

I contemplated death quite a bit, i dont particularly care. if id known id die in a few months id be a little relieved actually.

weird question, i dont know what else is there

i dont know how and i dont have a lot of free time. yeah i realized the limitations of the forum some time ago

could be. those feelings arise and disappear like a pendulum. or theyre always there and im noticing them in a periodic manner. im sorry if i spam here. its just that i havent been able to solve it and i think its something with my subconscious, the way im programmed. you may be right, i did feel huge motivation to do things after my 10 day vipassana retreat where i did nothing, but it fades away. i think its something deeper