Tyler Robinson

Why is adulthood important?

It's one thing if I don't have a say in a relationship versus I don't want to decide much in a relationship and let the other person decide most of the time. I have been in highly submissive relationships where the guy decides and does everything without even involving me. I never felt like there was no friendship and I never felt that there was no equality. Or that it was abusive. As long as the decision was for my best and for his best, it didn't matter if he took the decision. I'm not equality obsessed in a relationship. If there's power struggle, I actually like it because I want him to have power. I want to see him do better than me so I can look up to him and admire him. It automatically makes me respect him more. I want to see him as a man who can do everything for both of us and so I have no problem no worry if he makes decisions. I'll gladly give him all the power as long as he loves and protects me. I only care about love.

Why is equality important?

Mindfuck. People who are hearty aren't brainy enough. People who are brainy aren't hearty enough. Difficult world. I love this journal. My feelings are so pure and free I AM SINGLE... I don't want to be a girlfriend anymore. Boyfriends are so boring actually.. All they do is talk about sex. And they are always obsessed and worried that you would take off with another guy. It's miserable. Guys and their insecurities. Men are insecure as fuck. They are so worried that they will be dumped Cmon. It's like they stop thinking once they get a girlfriend.

I had soooooooooooooo many boyfriends. Lol. Dozens of them. But no more. I'm tired. I need a break. I want to explore MAH life! No more boyfriends....they come and go anyway..

I remember this one time I told an Irish guy who was interested in me and... I told him that he is a brother to me. He flipped out so bad. He made 15 accounts to spam me with I love you messages. Dude was nuts.. He took my affection for love. He couldn't make me feel romantic. I always thought of him like a brother, I mean that was his vibe He desperately wanted me and he was too pissed. Guys like these. What a pity

I'm getting wiser and wiser. Any I finally believe in self love Yay.

Autism and low cognitive development are reasons why someone can easily fall through the cracks.

I don't have strong biases which is a good part of my character.

Being consciously nice is better than being unconsciously nice.

Self reflection and self awareness is the key to moving forward. And what blocks it? Autism

Bingo.

When you are incapable of loving yourself, you become a black hole and you disintegrate slowly slowly slowly. That's what happened to me. I was 16 and I used to come home and listen to angry music and I wanted to break things. I didn't know how to deal with things. I just knew there's was too much anger. Anger watching my dad not able to pull through. Anger watching my mom acting abusive to my dad. Anger knowing that I was helpless and born to suffer.

I'm capable of self reflecting now and that's a road to well-being!

When you treat people with bias and prejudice and dissonance, there will be a drop in intelligence. Not surprising huh!!!!!!!

The problem with people like you is that they endlessly talk about health and happiness and then go and join a cheap Discord server of rali. Kind of a downward curve.

A note to my ex — I need closure. That's probably the only reason why I talk to you. You have given me many wounds and scars. I wish you could understand the depth of the harm you did to me. I understand that your childhood was abnormal and awful. What your mother did to you wasn't right. Yet. You cannot forever be using your childhood trauma, mental illness, your medical issues, your exes, your mother/father, the cult you joined, your neurosis and bipolar and all the unfair things that happened to you as a justification/license to abuse other people. You have a moral obligation and responsibility on the same level as other people. A few occasions can be forgiven as an outburst of your mental illness. But you have a responsibility to be a better person.

I was just naive. There's simply no other explanation.. I was raised in an abusive environment where my family put me through the same dynamic where it was okay to abuse me verbally. I got used to it. So his words wouldn't really raise red flags for me. Then there was his bipolar. He would often tell me it's his bipolar. That he didn't have his meds. And that's why he was being like that.

And then as I reflect on my abusive past, a voice echoes through my head — I was naive I was naive I was naive I was naive It was my fault It was my fault It was my fault I was autistic I was autistic I was autistic I was naive I was naive I was naive I was naive It was my fault It was my fault It was my fault I was autistic I was autistic I was autistic ......... I am to blame I am to shame

I don't want to block him. I want to use him as a case study. A case study of why and how I fell for such an abusive man. I want to learn a lot more about what led me to this dynamic.

He doesn't impact me that much anymore. I was depressed for 4×months after the breakup. It took me a long time to realize that it was all over. I had been there for him. I had cared for him. He had so swiftly manipulated my emotions. He would use his childhood trauma to manipulate me. Why was I so naive? Probably my autism.

I don't want him to just say "sorry" and just be done with it. Like it was nothing. Something that you can get over so easily with a simple "sorry." There's a part of me that wants revenge. A part of me that wants him to realize what it means to degrade someone mentally over the course of 2 long years and not take full responsibility for it.

This is the same guy who put me through tons of narcissistic abuse. In a way he taught me to be stronger. Sometimes I feel like I talk to him just to hurt him. Because there was so much trauma... That it's difficult to process and he is a part of it. And talking to him helps me feel empowered. Helps me feel like I can give back all that was given to me. Like I won't let him just get away with this. I want him to know how much it hurts I rarely talk to him now.

He is extremely manipulative, days when I avoid him, he will act like he is miserable and falling through cracks, he will wait for me to sympathize with him. And then other days he will actively try to hurt me. It's like a cycle. I'll never know why i just don't block him out for good. I did it for a good portion of the year, like 6×months. Then I received a friend request from him again. And I relented. I wanted to know if he was doing okay.

This is what a toxic relationship looks like. We're no longer with each other. It's been two years since our Breakup and he still wants me back. But I don't like him anymore. I already moved on long ago. He thinks I should still love him. He can't get over me. What I want here is a friendship with him. A decent friendship. I tried explaining this to him. A few days ago he sent me this text confessing that he treated me really badly and I felt some empathy for him. He expressed guilt. I felt better after he acknowledged his abusive behavior. I have absolutely no clue why I forgot all of my ex boyfriends except this guy. I truly do not have feelings for him anymore.