Tyler Robinson

Entry11/17 I have to understand that........................................................................ Maybe maybe, deep down it wasn't love Maybe deep down certain calculations were made without my knowledge. Maybe something was going on in that person's mind. They had already made up their mind about me. Maybe they thought that I didn't fit their plan about life. Maybe they thought that I wasn't good enough. So they slowly and brutally planned to cut me out. But this was already work in progress. Maybe they never had strong feelings for me other than a passing interest in the moment. Does this mean that they were totally fake? It could be possible that their empathy was fake and contrived? That they never truly cared but pretended to out of general empathy. Not specialized empathy. Maybe they would have reacted the same with someone they weren't in love with. Maybe they saw me as trouble? How come something that's not actually love feel so strongly as love? How come everything felt so raw and real and loving if it all just a set up, a facade? I'm so terribly confused? I was always looking for real love. He cared about me. But figured out that I wasn't more important than his life. So he decided I had to be out. And his love went down and dissolved down the drain like it was nothing. Wow...... He simply dropped me like I didn't mean anything and he forgot me. So in a way the love was fake.... Like fake real.... I don't know how to describe this intense psychological phenomenon. It has to be felt to be understood. It means it was both fake and real at the same time. What a complex psychological trap, almost like horseshit, how would you even believe something like this. But I'm slowly gathering clues and trying to piece it together. I feel so bad now. I feel like slapping myself. Why did I fall for this? Why did I not understand that it was all covert manipulation disguised as love Maybe it was love but it was mortal love and not great love. It wasn't the accepting kind of love. Maybe it was a selfish kind of love. The one who truly loves you won't judge you. He will understand you. Maybe his feelings were genuine. But he didn't know how to love me. He didn't know how to accept me.. Maybe I should let him go Not punish him. He probably did the best he could to love me. But he couldn't sustain it. I really loved him and deeply trusted him. Anyway it's kinda time to let go. Whether he truly loved me or not will always be a mystery. It's ok. It happens. It is what it is. He used to tell me that. His love was probably true but it was fickle and didn't carry much hope, substance or meaning. Maybe it was just shallow love. Hmm. I think I should let Mr B go.... Whether he was true or not should not matter anymore. From the perspective of well being, those who currently care about us is all that matters. Whats the point of thinking about those who are dead and gone? Human beings need love not memories Memories are just memories. They can't create love. Human beings need a sense of connection. It can't come out of dead people although dead people who were good to us can offer a sliver of solace. But they're still dead. A person who leaves you in confusion about love, what's the point. It was good as long as it lasted. Humans need love and not drama and games. I need to stop loving Vincent. I need to cut him out. Because I don't deserve to be loved in a half hearted way. Berrylee don't care about people who don't love you or don't exist. I'm left with Eric. Eric I don't know what kind of a person you are. But you are very playful with me. You are a Cancer. I think they are cool people. Eric... He is a cool dude. Never critical. Eric called me today. He wanted me to listen to him playing Ukulele... .. I'm a pixel. But I'm dead pixel. I removed toxic people/energy from my life completely. Holy cow What an achievement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today is August 22,2022, Time to celebrate. Eric I want to sleep in your arms. Close my eyes. Think of nothing but you and me. You aren't selfish. You care about me. I have cut off psychopaths from my life. You don't play games with me. The worst people are those who put on a veneer of being nice. I celebrated with a cake.

Entry10/17

Entry9/17 Vincent is bipolar. I'm so deeply drawn to Vincent. Vincent is bipolar but he is very affectionate and kind and silly. He makes me cheerful inside. I have been with bipolar people for so long that I have gotten used to them.. Now it doesn't matter. I told myself that I would never date a bipolar guy again. But I'm falling back into old patterns I like Vincent. He makes me laugh. He is very witty. Charming. Best part. He is very affectionate and warm. I like him. His bipolar is under control because he takes meds. I imagine that some day I'll be Vincent's wife I'm not that attracted to James or Billy anymore I see Rob as a guy who is good at challenging me but lacks understanding and perspective. I like Vincent. He wanted my tattoo. Now I just want to live as Vincent's wife. He is charismatic. He is just as emotional as P but unlike P, he isn't sulking all the time. He doesn't get carried away. Because Vincent tries to bond with me, he connects to me. I feel good. He is someone who is ready to explore life with me. I think everything is an NPC. And now everything makes perfect sense. Why reality is dysfunctional. Why the world is this way. You transfer energies to people. We are spiritual NPCs with a material existence. And that transfer of energy is intimacy. And this intimacy is what sustains us. We need a twin, a soulmate, a flame, a life partner For the longest time I felt like I couldn't function without a life partner.

Entry8/17

Entry7/17

Entry6/17

Entry5/17 Journal name - if you truly loved me.

Entry4/17

Entry3/17

Entry2/17

Entry5/4 https://youtu.be/CyAlQfxS9e4

Entry4/4

Entry3/4

Entry2/4

Entry1/4

So you mean women should not have any preferences but men should. Even i feel like it's a job application to always want to look attractive to men otherwise they choose a more attractive woman over me.

Gross

List of things I need to do.

Your Royal Highness, I humbly apologize for making an egregious error in the spelling of the word queen and I fully acknowledge the severe hurt and harm it must have caused your compassionate merciful magnanimous most generous heart and to your royal imperialist tastes and senses but my question to you my lord is - The level of respect, adoration and privilege afforded to the Queen is breathtakingly unsurpassed and unmatched, *coughs*, why wasn't the same camaraderie and adulation offered to the Duke of Edinburgh when he passed away. Not a soul knew of such a passing. In fact I've had the highest honor of knowing such a thing only upon googling. Your almighty most renowned Sir, is there a hierarchy in your donarchy oops I mean monarchy that one person's death is more precious and the loss is felt deeper than that of another of flesh and blood. Your Royal Highness make sure there's sufficient ink in your pen when you give your most prestigious honorary reply to me. Kind regards..

Nooooo Just make a list of what women are valued by in each spiral.

People will always be people.

Your self worth depends on how much people value you and how much your partner values you. There is no other truth. This is the ultimate truth. Amen.