Tyler Robinson

Entry36/17 I just wanna cuddle with you. While you fuck me. I like your turtleneck shirts. Eric. I try. To be a good girlfriend to you I admire your strength. And I like your possessiveness It's not Bad. You kinda direct me towards what I want. You push me to get stuff done. I like your way of control. It's not too controlling and not too passive. Just the right balance of owning me and letting me be myself. Not too Intrusive and not too lenient. You tame me well. I could never be with a passive guy. It's an attraction killer. You are kinky on top of everything. I like that the most about you. You know my kinks. You arouse me like crazy Eric. You don't make me feel insecure either. You possess me the right way. I never got the feeling that you don't like me and at the same time you don't put me on a pedestal. Maybe our love is real.. You're a Cancer and I'm a Pisces. Eric, I slept well. For the first time I felt good You made me feel protected

Entry35/17 Everytime I look at you. I want to rest my head over your shoulder. Gaze into your eyes. You got emerald eyes. Tyler and Eric/Berrylee and Eric. We're one. My romantic aspirations. You called me your girl. Then keep me that way. You're particularly good at impressing me You'll fuck me so deep.. Mmmm I'll bite your dick. Prppp. ×××××××××××××~~~~××××××××××××× You can slap my ass. Eric. Really hard. Lolololololol. I love you. You aren't like other guys though. You know how to dominate me and not let me go. You understand how I feel inside. We're connected. Eric, please don't leave me. Not like M. Not like B. Don't do what others did I really want you. I need your protection. Deep down you know I'm worth it. Because I love you. Everything makes sense now. I didn't want to lose you. Our love is volatile and violent, warm blooded. Our love is tough. Our love is hot and blazing, and we are two souls into one. Eric, you know I'm that kind of girl. I don't settle for anything less. I want all or I want none. You know me. I'm not going to do anything half hearted. I go in full. You're the kind of guy I was really looking for. You're mine. Now I'm free. You look good in a yellow shirt. Canary yellow I like that.

Entry34/17 I love you Eric. My final and only love. An imaginary conversation between me and Eric. Yea, I know. I don't know why you betrayed me Eric. Why did you expose me like that? Eric - yup. Berrylee you don't get it. Berrylee/Tyler - I loved and trusted you deeply. I could have given my life to you. Eric - I don't know about that. Berrylee /Tyler - you know an awful lot. About me. Eric - I felt like you were after me. Berrylee /Tyler - I trusted you from the bottom of my heart. I wanted nothing more than your love. When I looked into your eyes I became one with you. I didn't try to get rid of you. I loved you. I wanted you.. Eric - then why wouldn't you wanna be my girlfriend? Why didn't you want a relationship with me? Berrylee /Tyler - because I feared a breakup and thought we would never be together. Why would I want to get rid of you if I loved you. Are you comparing me to Dalia Dippolito Yeah she lied. But she lied to kill her husband I wasn't even your wife. I lied to get you, not to kill you. There's a huge difference between me and her. She didn't love her husband. So she wanted to get rid of him. I loved you. So I wanted that we never break up. And the only way that was going to happen was if we were not in a relationship. I didn't want to be your girlfriend. I wanted to be your wife. I know you're laughing at me. Our hearts are one Eric. You'll get me through this. I trust you. The most beautiful moment between us was when you kissed me.

Entry33/17 Eric Sheppard Right now I have met 5 men in the past month and they are keeping me busy. I like all of them. I want to flirt with them. I'm not interested in a serious relationship right now. I just want to enjoy my time with them. It's Billy, James, Eric, Rob D and Vincent. New people I'm meeting. I really don't know because they all vie for my attention. I have been played before and now I'm kinda used to it. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't feel anything. I might look for a sturdy relationship in the near future but right now I seriously need a break from constant dating. These men are interested in me. I still think of P and spending time with him. I was in Colorado with him for some time before I shifted to Columbus. I might still want to talk to him. But he is an emo guy and I don't want to engage that energy unless I'm serious with him. I feel him, all the time. Billy is a bit controlling. James is, oooooooh, so kind and warm. Rob D acts like a partner in crime, same Pisces energy. Vincent is a bit sociopathic and manipulative. Same old. But I like Vincent for other reasons I'm in love with Anthony. I like this guy. I want to write my feelings about him in this journal. Anthony makes me laugh. He is too funny. Everyday I fall in love with him just a little more. He told me that he would strap me to his back like a toddler. Too funny.

Entry32/17 :05 PM, Tyler Robinson said: Entry11/5 I met Billy last week He sent me this text. "I'm picky n I picked u." So cute On 8/10/2022 at 1:11 PM, Tyler Robinson said: Entry12/5 Billy, James, Eric and Rob D. Rob is a Pisces. Billy - Virgo James - Cancer Eric - na Rob D - Pisces ........................................................ Vincent is a Virgo ---------------------------/------------------ James is caring, sweet and kind. He is very delicate.. I'm seeing three guys in the moment. I am not committed to anyone for the time being. Just flirting and getting to know them. It's Billy, James and Eric. Billy is Virgo. James is a Cancer And I don't know about Eric. Didn't ask him. -----------------------------/------------------ With James it's more platonic than sexual. With Billy it's more about sexual attraction. -----------------------------/------------------ Billy is kinda matured. James is sweet and emotional and very understanding. And Eric is playful. Eric called me berrylee I remind him of berries I like that name. And in my dreams I thought about you. I've never liked scorpios. They're good people but I never get along with them or I never feel sexy around them.

Entry31/17 You're the guy of my life. The ultimate man for me. The one I fell in love with. The one meant for me. We're so into each other. You're skinny, tall and not too tall hehe. Just the right type.. And appearances don't mean shit. I don't even care how you look to be honest. But I have fallen madly in love with you. We would make such a sweet couple. I'm in love with you. I could shower all of my love all over you and still never get tired. P is an emo guy. Exactly my type. The problem is that he is a male. A guy. So.... I never quite understand male emotions. Although I have always put my best foot forward whenever they needed any kind of emotional support or help. In fact I have gone out of my way to help them But still.... Something is missing. With an emo guy you never know. The problem is that I can't read his mind. I don't know what will set him off or what will make him happy. For the time being .... That is. I really really deeply love this man and I think he would make a great partner. This is the first time I'm falling for a guy who is super emotional and sensitive and not like the cocky ones I used to date before. So recently I have found a guy who lives in the US and we have known each other before. It's a long distance relationship. We chat for hours. I have fallen hard for him. He likes me too. He is cute and sexy. He prefers to keep to himself and doesn't open up much. He is a very emotional guy/sentimental type. He has cried before and language he uses is generally emotional. We bond with each other over our shared emotional nature. The thing is sometimes when he shares emotional/sad things with me, I tend to laugh a little inside. (I don't show that I'm secretly laughing at him or just not able to relate). I find it hard to empathize with him because I don't expect him to be weak or fragile or sensitive. The whole idea that a man should not be vulnerable/emotional is baked in my head. I don't laugh at him obviously so it doesn't show. Whenever a female friend cries her pain out with me, I immediately relate and cry with her. Not with this man. Of course I don't have bad intent and I would love to be his emotional supporter but I'm struggling in this capacity. But when he does open up, I end up showing superficial empathy yet I can't really relate to his anxieties and frustrations and issues as a man. I find it hard to grasp how he feels or how he is going to react to whatever I have to say and as a result we get into fights later. I cannot preemptively judge the situation and that causes me to not be emotionally aligned with him, my responses causing more harm than good. He detects my lack of sensitivity or finds it odd to open up to me and recoils back into his shell.. How can I (as a female) understand and relate to Male emotions better? I love you Steph. When I was cold, you placed a warm blanket on me. That made me feel better. You are so kind. You encourage and support me. I feel so blessed with you. You're the light of my life. Steph,

Entry30/17 It's torture what you said. Your words could kill me if not your knives or guns. No I'm not afraid to die at your hands so don't tell me how powerful you are. I don't care about it, you can keep boasting about your powers. It wont matter even if you wanted to kill me, I'd rather die that way than any other. At least the satisfaction that I died at your hands in your arms. But don't you ever. Don't you ever ever ever say that again. Don't you ever say that I should place a knife on your neck. Because it hurts like a dagger, your stupid words. It seems that you are good with words, especially when it comes to hurting me. You're pure torture because you made me feel all this guilt by proxy. P, I just wanna be with you. Drunk in your love. There are two things I like on you. Your lips. Because they are so so so sweet. When you kiss me, I feel them. Velvety feel.. Don't smoke. And I like your neck. Because... Hehe....I feel like your neck is cute. I want to tickle you there. Once you told me that I should be leaving you some hickeys on there. I get so emotional every time you talk about hickeys. And I jokingly said it's something only men do to women and not the other way around. Me want them hickeys.....too. Your passion is irresistible.. You're my shooting star, the light in my eyes and the one that makes my heart tickle. I can't live without you anymore. I love you. Forever and more. You are always sitting close to me telling me all these lovely things. You are always telling me how much you love me. I like to sit in the dark with you In your apartment. On a rugged mattress.. We just chatting away the evenings. You come home from work and I always wait for you.

Entry29/17 Omg this. Transcribing Pisces dealing with Virgo We both know that I'm not the one for you. Pisces - you could be emotionally bored, discontent. Wanting to look at other options but Wow this was on point. Just wow Pisces dealing with a Virgo Messages You don't know how hard it was to let you go. We both know that I'm not the one for you. One of us feels like we are meant for each other. The other one might be feeling the opposite. My life is not together as it seems. I feel you're leaving me behind. So somebody here just wasn't right for us. So someone let the other person go.. Possibly. Somebody felt like it just wasn't the right time. They didn't have their shit together like they have made it appear or you didn't. Or somebody feels like the other one leaving them behind. Somebody here may feel like insufficient or unadequate to the other. Laugh... Where the fuck is your sense of humor. Somebody here has a bit uptight energy. Somebody here may need to laugh a little bit.. You need a good cry. Get the ugly cry on and let the shit go. Somebody either needs to cry it out or get out with friends, go laugh. Watch comedy. Try to release some kind of tension. Somebody feeling fearful. Inadequate.. Something to that nature Somebody is seeing you in their dreams. Power card for Pisces - strength card. The Pisces is stepping into their power. Stepping into your strength. (Lmao this is so true. I really feel like I am taking all my power back) Power card for Virgo - Wise Counselor Virgo you're trying to find unity with a spiritually minded community. You might need to ask the divine for help. Trust the answers will come. Show emotion card for both Pisces and Virgo. For Pisces Your are bored and emotionally discontented. The angel on these cards is guiding you to accept self love. You don't have to find love in someone else okay/whatever. Just choose yourself. You don't have to pick an option just so that you have somebody, no, choose yourself. The card reads - you guys failing to recognize the magical opportunity, missing the point, distractions of daily life. Discontentment, boredom, lost in your own world, wake up all right. You're feeling strong and courageous and also holding back from love. Maybe you don't want love right now. You're holding back. But the angels are guiding you to fall in love with an earth sign. Emotions for Virgo You could be dealing with someone who walked away from you. If this person walked away from you maybe they want to come back. Maybe this person wants to come back to you but you are rejecting them. I romanticize placing a knife on your throat. But I can't kill you even if I wanted to. Because I love you. That place in your throat is where my love flows. I want to touch there. The worst thing is to let your blood pool. Nah. I can't let that happen. I can't watch that. These days I'm actively working on my throat Chakra. Because my love flows through my throat to yours. Why do I feel like in my past birth I slashed your throat? I don't have any marks on my neck though. Last night you implied that I was going to kill you. Telling me that I should place a knife on your neck and that it would be easier that way for me to take you out is probably the worst thing you said to me and the most hurtful. You better apologize right now or else I'll carry this pain to my grave. I can't take it. It's torture.

Entry28/17 This video is so on point. About compatibility between a Virgo and a pisces. My Virgo man P is exactly like this Morning we had a small argument. He complained that I'm too vague and confused him too much. Because I never give a straightforward answer to his questions. So I sent him this video. This guy is so funny. My 3 signs Big 3 signs SUN SIGN - PISCES MOON SIGN - CANCER ASCENDANT - SCORPIO

When someone hurts you, it might not always be physical. Or sexual. They can berate you, gaslight you. Constantly nitpick and shame you. Alienate you. Make false accusations against you and blame you for every little thing. Take away your peace and rob you of your happiness. That's emotional Violence.

Entry27/17 P is a Virgo. He is born in August. I'm born in February. I'm a Pisces. I usually fall for earth signs a lot. My first bf was an Aries. My second was a Taurus. Tauruses are always my biggest crushes. My third was a Pisces (kinda funny). Fourth was a Taurus. A lot of my friends are generally Taurus or Virgo. I rarely get along with another Pisces My compatibility with Scorpio and Sagittarius, Capricorn and Aquarius is low. I generally don't get along with these people. I generally make great friends with Cancer but it never reaches to the point of romance. P is a Virgo. Virgo can make me feel sexy and comfortable. They are kinda independent and open minded. But old fashioned and I'm old school type too. One sided love, crushing, pain, melancholy, melancholic writing, person of interest, compartmentalization, idolization, fantasy, expression of love, deep love, heartanglement, poetry, choosing my soulmate, having an open heart, essence of true love, filling that void, eternal love, eternal romance. Costa Mee... Around this world. I still feel like I am in a one sided relationship with him. He hasn't yet fully confessed to loving me. But I'm already in love . I think about him everyday. I'm crazy for him. I adore him. I worship him. I have been liking him for some time but my feelings weren't strong. Back then I saw him as a friend. They work as a driver. Sometimes he is also working on nights. Like late night shifts. We do chat during those times. But we usually talk when he gets home to his small apartment. He lives on the 3rd floor. I will not say his name. Only P. P is very gentle with me. Very emotional guy. I'm sensitive too. I love P This is the song of our life P.... Lyrics. I know you're courageous. And I'd never seen you. I know you're courageous. And I'd never seen you. I know you're courageous. And I'd never seen you. https://youtu.be/xN5hY51EImg

Entry26/17 I love you. P You stole my heart. You took my breath away. You're in my heart forever and I'm slave to your love.. I worship you. I love you deeply. I can't live without you. You are my love, you are my soul. You have my heart. I promised myself that you're the man I will love forever and only you and none other. I won't love any other man except you. The day you told me - "give yourself to me," I gave myself to you and never looked back ever since. I can die for you. I swear I will give up my life for you. I have surrendered my heart and my life to you. Whether you love me or not, it's not relevant anymore. Whether you hate me or not, it doesn't matter anymore Whether you like someone else or not , it won't piss me off anymore Whether you give your love to me or not, I will still love you just the same. I want nothing from you. No commitment nothing. I don't even want sex. I just want to keep loving you and worshipping you. What you do of me is up to you. I won't be hurt no matter what you do. If you feel like you wanna kill me, then here I am, I surrender my body and my willpower to you.. Do as you wish I have fallen in love with you and you have found the way to my heart. This is what I wanted all my life. It's you. Only you. I love you. You know what I like the most on your body. That place. That place on your neck. Right in the center, a bit lower. Yes yes yes, right there. Right near your throat but just below it, where it's a bit shallow. That central place. Right there... Hehe I was looking up for the scientific name for this place. It's called the Jugular notch or the Suprasternal notch. I want to place a knife right there and cut the Jugular. I'm joking. I want to touch there and feel all of my love flowing through it. Keep touching there and you'll feel my love. Hehe. My love flows through that place into your body. I idolize you and I crush on you and I'm crazy for you. You're the man of my life. The king of my heart.. The owner of my body. Yea I know this is one sided. But I'm deeply in love with you. Wish I could be one with you. But where would be the fun. The fun lies in being separated this way. This is the song I chose for you. https://youtu.be/BwLbI9Oj7BM We come together. We separate. This separation is beautiful We come together. We separate. This separation is beautiful We come together. We separate. This separation is beautiful We come together. We separate. This separation is beautiful We come together. We separate. This separation is beautiful You and me forever You and me forever You and me forever You and me forever You and me forever You and me forever He is the sweetest person in my life. I feel like I met my soulmate. My heart syncs with his. We chat for hours some days. And I usually don't say anything at all. But we laugh so much. He tells me all the stuff that he comes across on his work. Last year (or maybe even before that), I was studying the Skinwalker Ranch which is in Utah and I must say I'm very fascinated by it. Heard a lot about it. So while researching the Skin walker ranch phenomenon, I came across a place that is similarly known, it's called the Bradshaw Ranch in Sedona, Arizona. And I came across the video of the ranch. And I absolutely fell in love with this music. Tag.... #ranch How to tag something here

Entry25/17 P lives in an apartment in Colorado. He works as a driver. Sometimes I sit in his apartment. Just to chill. I often make some ice cream for him when he comes home. We both drink and chill. Sometimes we fight. Sometimes we laugh at each other. P I love you. I have four different scenarios here. Scenario 1 I'm romantically involved with P Scenario 2 V is my husband Scenario 3 I visit S sometimes when I'm still married to V. Scenario 4 I'm a village Belle in love with Steph Yesterday P and I meditated for a bit. I wanna try LSD with him. P — there's a whole world of opportunities waiting for us. You don't have to be depressed. You don't have to feel sick of life. I'm with you. I wanna hold you, touch you, feel you, love you. I'm with you P. We're together. In love. You and I. There's nothing that love cannot beat. P loves to play guitar. And he loves writing poetry. He loves writing me love songs. When he sings to me, I get all butterflies in my tummy. P is bipolar. He struggles a bit with depressive disorder. I don't have a problem with that though because I myself suffer from a depressive disorder. So I understand his struggles. ECC WORKACC Don't know why I wrote this.

Entry24/17 My emo guy is a Virgo who is born in August and Virgo have fluctuating emotions. So I have P and S and V. P is so emotional. S is sensual and V is a bit psycho stalkerish. V is a pure gold. V is protective and gentle with me and sometimes rough and punishing. V for victory? S is my fix. Whereas P is someone I share emotional intimacy with.. V demands a lot out of me. Very demanding of my attention.. Follows me around. V is a Virgo too. S is a scorpio. Two Virgo and 1 scorpio.. I've also met someone who I call Steph. I consider him my soulmate. Steph is a story that I created around a village Belle Maddie that falls in love with a carpenter/car mechanic and she has a friend. Main characters. This girl is vivacious. Spirited. She dies tragically yet her spirit continues to carry her love saga with Steph writing about Steph forever, her poetry, her thoughts from beyond the grave. Fate should bring them together to fulfill the departed soul of Maddie. Finally P, V, S and Steph complete my soulmate journey with their interesting qualities and experiences with me. All are strong characters except S, and so they will be permanent characters in my book.

Entry23/17 That thread I wrote. Do you remember that one? The one where I wrote about bipolar meds and Psychedelics. And I said it was for a friend. Nope. I lied to you. I confess. I lied. It was meant for you. Because deep down I was so worried that you would mix your bipolar medication with your psychedelic stuff. If you don't remember or not, you had told me that you were reckless with your psychedelic use. That you were addicted to it at some point. I fear something like that might happen again. And you told me that you were off your meds. So that terrified me. I began to worry that you might mix the two. Now you never care to listen to me, do you? Is there a way I can even remotely say something to you without pissing you off??? So I thought maybe if I start a thread you would get a clue not to do it. Ok. I've vented enough about you. It's time for me to move on.

Entry22/17 I was worried about you on 3 separate occasions. When you decided to kill yourself and you swallowed around 100 tramadol pills. It scared the shit out of me. I was terrified. I was crying the whole night when you told me that. I couldn't take it. I wish I was there to tell you not to do that. One when you told me that the muscles in the right side of your face aren’t really synchronized with the ones on your left. That was kinda scary to me. I really wanted to be by your side every trip. I am really worried everytime you do all this. And then when you told me that there was someone who wanted to take your life. You scared the shit out of me. If anything happens to you, I'd sincerely hope God kills me because I can't continue knowing you don't exist. You are the other half of my soul. I trust you.

Entry21/17 You once told me that you trusted me more than your brother. To be honest I felt very weird inside when you said that, because you had barely known me for a week by then. Wouldn't it have been foolish to trust me that much? Of course your family should come before me. I couldn't believe you trusted me that much. In hindsight, I trusted you just as much, if not more. I trusted you deeply. You were everything to me. Everyday, every minute, every moment I thought of you. You were always on my mind. You had bonded so deeply with me in such a short span of time. Was it karma? I will probably never know. I saw love in your eyes. Love for me. I could never believe or imagine that you wanted to harm me. Even if you had offered me poison I would have gladly Taken it. The only loss would have been losing you. I remember being so deeply in love with love with you.. My trust was so deep with you. You know what's important in a relationship. Trust, loyalty, protection, kindness and intimacy. Yea. Trust, intimacy and Vulnerability. These are the pillars. All of them. And I know I failed somewhat with some of those values. My feelings were still genuine. Maybe some day you remember me. I blindly trust you. I don't know why. But I do. Now I know why you're so mad at me. I realize now. Hehe. I'm not worried. Because my heart wants only you. You forever. Last night I dreamt of you. And every night. You fill my dreams. I belong to you. I don't ask for anything. I know you are my eternal lover. Your music runs through my veins. I'm drunk in your love. Your emerald eyes are intoxicating to me.

Entry20/17 I have effectively blocked most men from entering my life and starting stuff with me. I don't like simps and simping. It's just another form of manipulation. Mr M did that to me last year. I don't want that anymore Mr B used the technique of negging me. It was tantamount to emotional blackmail. I don't mind lying to someone who is emotionally blackmailing me, they kinda deserve it. This site disproportionately attracts very deeply hypocritical and dysfunctional people, it makes sense because it's a self development website, you can't expect perfect people here. Most people are going to be deeply flawed one way or another. Only those would want and seek help or be in trouble. Why do I expect the best people here anyway? Most people that I ran into here are the back alley kind of people, something else on the outside and something else on the inside. There's nothing to admire here, nothing to hate either, just a bunch of egos talking back and forth to each other. You once told me that you trusted me more than your brother. To be honest I felt very weird inside when you said that, because you had barely known me for a week by then. Wouldn't it have been foolish to trust me that much? Of course your family should come before me. I couldn't believe you trusted me that much. I don't know why I felt like I was unlovable. If someone complimented me on my looks or brain, I could never feel it. I always thought they were saying that to simply flatter me. I thought there was nothing good about me. I still feel like this. I'm fortunate to have met you. You taught me a lot. I was at a very vulnerable place when I found you. You taught me love, caring, comforting, intimacy, maturity, honesty. I would have never known what intimacy looked or felt like. You came so close, nobody had ever come that close to me. You were a part of me, that's how I felt. I remember you waking up in the middle of the night and worrying that I might be crying. Nobody had done that for me before. I remember being genuinely happy around you. Feeling like I was being cared for. That was the happiest feeling.

Entry19/17 So this has been a pattern for almost a year now. Any man who finds my Vulnerability pleasant attaches himself to me only to get what he wants and then abandons me. I don't like it. Because I get way too much emotionally invested and get burned in the end. I don't need it. I don't deserve it So if any man approaches with the idea to help me, I just delete their messages. That's the best way to block out the so called savior men before they make their next move. No. I don't need a man's sympathies. I don't need his pity Whether I'm dead or alive, how does it matter anyway, who cares??!!

Entry18/17 Sometimes I feel like Vincent was the only guy who actually gave two fucks about me. At last I'm free from any kind of deception My mind still doesn't feel right. I still don't feel functional. I don't want to be played with Is that too much to ask? It's like someone is asking me - I'm going to cheat on you and I'm going to abandon you, hey is that okay for you? What's emotional abuse? When you're simply not afforded the dignity of a human being Wherever I go... . Wherever I go...... I see people not being truthful about their feelings with me. They don't give a damn if my feelings are hurt Did my feelings meant nothing at all? That's why I don't date real men. They drive me insane. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't date real men. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. That's why I don't sleep. Because men fuck with me.

Entry17/17 But i want to take everything really slowly. I have been so stressed after all the breakups I feel like shit. Well.... I'm used to feeling like this..... I cried Maybe I shouldn't. I think I don't deserve to be emotionally abused. I think I deserve someone better. I have had enough of emotionally invested in those who aren't on the same wavelength as me. I'm just not in that mental state where I'm ready for a full blown relationship. I have never asked for any commitment but I don't deserve to be treated shitty either. Whats up with these men really? The same pattern with J and the rest of these guys? I don't get it. They like the stereotypical bitch lol.. They like women who do drama and treat them badly. Who only want them around for attention. Who take them high and then drop them from there because they have a high volume of guys chasing them.. J liked this one woman that I used to absolutely hate. She was petty but she was good looking. And Joseph used to simp her even while being in a relationship with me. It used to feel disrespectful and awkward but there was nothing I could do to stop it. J would attack me for no reason.. Yet even when this woman would treat him badly, J would come up with some silly excuse to defend her behavior. The same annoying thing that he did with the girl that he cheated on me with. He put her on a pedestal, she didn't give 2 fucks about him, but he would chase her like a dog.. She even cheated on him. But that didn't stop him. He told me that she will come back to him at some point. I am like what????? I guess she is worth waiting your whole life for. Sigh. But I never cheated on J. I never mistreated him. I guess I wasn't worth anything good. I'm so tired of men who constantly drop a good woman out of their lives and go seeking that bitch who never wants or treats them bad all the time just because they think that woman is some sort of a prize. Even James must be this way. I don't know. I'm now thinking about Vincent The only person I truly felt connected and attracted to. Eating breakup ice cream right now. So this cute cute monster guy who seems to have stolen my heart calmed me down.. I was eating Tiramisu. I joked about it. I even teased him a bit about it.. Omg he is the coolest guy on my radar. I'm besotted. I feel safe with Anthony. He is so protective. I imagined that he did things to me after I woke up. Mmmm. So romantic. My stuff is catching speed. Hmm. I want to be calm. Because I get Hyper emotional some times. Things to note about him He loves music. He makes music. Piano and drums. He loves food and growing stuff He is liberal He likes managing me He is whimsical, funny and nerdy He doesn't trust easily I'm deeply in love with this dude He is older than me and more matured He is cool and understanding. I feel like dying Why am I not dead? Why didn't God just kill me and let everything go. I never deserved anything. I'm freaking out. I feel like killing myself. Life is meaningless.. I am just done with life It's always this sick thing. Game of life. Hate me. I don't care... Another chapter in my life comes to an end that I will never open again.. I don't feel okay but I'm free.

Entry16/17 Literally everyone in my life has been bipolar. My mom. My sibling. My friends. My ex J. My ex B. Holy shit. Literally everyone was bipolar. It seems they are attracted to me like moths to flame. I have realized after some "afterthought" that relationships are all about dynamic. The dynamic that sets you free, liberates you, makes you feel loved, cherished and wanted is the dynamic you need to set yourself into. This is what you should be looking for. It's no longer about attraction, compatibility, love is love, a spade is a spade, a rose is a rose. I won't be either friends or dating bipolar again no matter what. Just remove them for good. They can be controlling. And I don't want that. I'm not in contact with P anymore. But I'm planning to call him next month. Rob D has been following me for some time now. He called me 5 times yesterday and I was too busy to attend to him. He must be pissed. I don't like to flake on people. Could it be possible that you have the meanest boyfriend in the world and He is still cares about you? That's the vibe I get from Rob. He is the kind of dude who would chase me down the street and promptly appear at my door uninvited. I wrote this poem My home is in a different place My heart is in a different place My heart is not where my body is My heart tries to find a place to live In this Emptiness, I wonder if I can ever Fulfill the yearnings of my soul Wandering aimlessly for a home When I think about you My soul stops wandering As though it found its home When I wrote it I'm not sure who I had in mind. Maybe Vincent? The tattoo guy. Because of my bpd, I'm never stable, sometimes I have strong emotions and sometimes nothing. Like I'm disconnected from a beautiful tapestry of visions. At this point everything and everyone is NPC..

Entry15/17 Vincent is acting funny. He wants my tattoo. I mean I like him. But I'm not sure what I want. He wanted to take me out to a coffee shop but I refused. Sometimes we go out. The time we're together he keeps staring at me. Like angrily. I don't mind him. He is that way. He gets pissy over little stuff. But he is cool otherwise. Just a bit high handed. I like how he always takes the lead with everything. I want to hug Vincent and lay all day in his arms. I want him. This response goes along my line of thought. What you should do is if you really love and care about him then go 100% to it, because he has maybe had problematic relationships where girls have left him. Core principle is that which you show to others is what you want/need from him/her. Therefore because he shows some type of loyalty to you he'd really want you to be loyal to him. He obviously loves you and would like to be in long term relationship with you. It isn't his fault that he experienced what he experienced and therefore you should forgive his weird behaviour. Relationship is all about growing together and accepting each others' challenges. Just let him know that you'll stay, if that's really in the case and he'll be happy. Red flag thing is kind of joke, because end of the day it's all about you how much you can live with the con sides of him. Nowadays people give up too easily and end up not finding anyone, because everyone has some "red flags". The only thing which matters is that if you 2 love each others and that's it. If there are some challenges then speak about them and come into good conclusions. With love -joNi- You have gotten me hooked on you. I can die for you. I want you. Make me one with you somehow. Anyhoq My heart wants you You are my soulmate My love is much more than just being horny for you. Much more. Sex is not even that important.. But all these emotions I feel for you. I have this soul bonding with you. I feel like I can say anything to P and he won't mind it. P tells me he does drugs. Lsd mostly. So last night I called him a druggie crackhead and he laughed it off. P I wanna tell you something. P sometimes acts like a narcissist and ignores me. Hmm Are narcissists bad people? Who cares. I like P anyway, narcissist or not a narcissist. So let me see...... ......... P is a bit narcissist (and I'm alright with that) ......... P is into drugs but not hard-core. ......... P does play mind games sometimes (it happens so it's okay) ......... P is judgemental ......... P is bipolar but his behavior shifts rapidly from being sad for a few weeks to being happy again for no particular reason....... I secretly think P could be bipolar but he never told me this. It's just my hunch. ...... P lacks in emotional intelligence. As much emotional as P really is, he lacks deeply in emotional intelligence and I hate this part in both of us. I like that he is emotional and I love that about him the most. In the longest time I met someone like that. I don't understand his emotions though because as a woman it's hard for me to relate to Male emotions plus I've never been used to such men. I have always had Brute kind of men who would never respect me and very chauvinist types,never the ones who would want to build a bridge with me, the masculine types. P is masculine, don't get me wrong - he is weirdly Hyper masculine when he is sexy with me. Otherwise he is like an emotional woman, my mirror lolololololol. .... So the fact that I hate the most about P is that he is slow at picking up clues from me. He is bad at emotional intelligence. And I suck at understanding his emotions. ...... P is Hyper critical. I understand and accept this as I have never met a Virgo who wasn't critical. ...... P can be super scary with his whining. That thing about him scares the beejesus out of me. I become Hyper scared and nervous around whiny men.. That shit triggers the fuck out of me. This is because of my trauma - one of my worst traumatic experiences came from being around my second ex boyfriend who even made hypothetical accusations that I would murder his parents. That shit traumatized me and ever since any man who complains about me or plays victim to me sends deep triggers into me causing me to freak the fuck out in panic, paranoia and feeling threatened and vulnerable. Uff. No. Please. Never. Not that thing. Never a whiner, anything but a whiner, I can take a man who slaps me across the face any day but never a whiner. They send me to hell and back. I suffer tremendous nightmares and panic attacks around whiners. P had another round of sexy time with me. Hmm. I love you. I feel bonded with you. You make me feel wanted.

Entry14/17 I had these deep deep fantasies of wanting to be raped by a guy. I don't understand these fantasies. I guess it's like sadomasochism. I wanted him to abuse me and then hold me with love. I wanted him to possess me while I moan in pain and he keeps punishing me with his penetrations. I am attracted to sado guys who are the Dom in a relationship. But the slut shaming gets to me and I can't effectively communicate what I want that guy to do sexually to me. I want him to kiss me after slapping me. If this was against the backdrop of a deep forest where I sense absolute silence surrounded by thick bushes and trees, it would be so nice. Him forcing himself into me, that is Eric and then lying on me whispering stories into my ears and looking straight into my eyes every time I scream in pure pain. But of course I don't want him to just leave me there. I want him to hold me tight, hold my head and tell me everything will be okay. And then make me sit in his lap and caress him and gently move his fingers through my hair as I get drunk in his passion for owning me. I want him to breathe with me and I want to lovingly hug him. He would mean the world to me. Eric. I'm deeply in love with you. I want to sit under the stars wit you, me sitting on your lap gazing a million stars. You and me. Sharing everything being so intimate. You are the only one that I don't want to lie to. You are my soulmate and you know me inside out. It's insane. I actually really love you Eric. Eric I want to watch stuff with you. Like horror movies. I know these are like kiddo things. And I have a birdy voice. Because I don't want any forum dude to flirt with me... This journal acts like a simp repellent. (deep down I just hate hate hate simps, they ruin the fun of romance by acting sheepish). I want a strong guy, not some simpy dimpy doo. Simps are so unattractive Ughhhhhhh. Just their scent. They just put you on a pedestal and do the exact opposite of what you expect a guy to do. They are like manufactured clowns paid to act. It's so boring and inauthentic. But a strong man who loves me passionately and owns me is so cool and worthy of my licking Eric's arms are super strong. He is such a fucker(pun intended this time) My thoughts are flowing. Feels so good. I want tantric sex with Eric. I feel so naturally drawn to him. I want to be led by a man (I mean Eric) so desperately. I have come so dangerously close to Eric. It feels like I can sense his feelings. I feel Intuitive around him. You gave me the intimacy I always craved for.. Just. You a regular bloke, I didn't want anything special. This time I really felt loved. I did not feel it with the first or second or third or fourth but fifth time a charm. I don't want to be with anyone. You're really my soulmate Eric. I feel sexually and emotionally connected with you... Never felt this way before. All I need is a bottle of lsd and coke. Vincent wants my tattoo. I'm seeing a bunch of guys. Billy, James, Eric, Rob D and Vincent. You have gotten me hooked on you. I can die for you. I want you. Make me one with you somehow. Anyhoq My heart wants you You are my soulmate

Entry12/17 I feel like Eric is my soulmate. He is everything I wanted. I want to sleep in his arms and forget the whole world. Eric I want you. I act like a silly child around him. Like they just know me. I feel so intimate. I want to sleep next to Eric.. I have all these desires and fantasies with him. Whenever Eric fights with me I feel good and I usually get good sleep on those days. I feel so protected around Eric. So loving and romantic. I want him. I just want to sink into him He is so loving and funny. His Oops I forgot that being around Eric definitely motivates me to do stuff. Honestly it's always love that motivates me more than anything. I was sowrong thinking that evil is necessary. Maybe what I was thinking about was sadomasochism and not evil. Maybe I'm romantically drawn to sadomasochism and that Domination from a healthy non abusive male. Writing this itself is giving me an orgasm right now. I feel so sexy around a dominant yet protective dude. Yea it's so attractive. I don't like the invalidating egoic restrictive aggravating asshole kind of domination, the sexist degrading Donald Trump kind of domination. I like it when he is being dominating but always ensuring I'm feeling safe and looking out for me. The Daddy kind of domination. So he does all the fighting with the bad guys. So happy. All the people are gone. Finally rest in peace Berrylee. *I'm cold right now. Eric I love you. The moment I saw you. I want to be with Eric. Every waking moment I want to spend with him. He serenades me with his music and he is so sexy. I feel closer to Eric when I fight with him.. He owns me.