Tyler Robinson

I have to fucking give myself an award. I won. I won. I won. I won this struggle at last. Finally!!!!! I worked hard and it has paid off. Never going to be trapped into the net of that Beast who tried to exploit my Vulnerability. I'm free now.. You can do nothing to me anymore. You got it? I'm free at last. My struggles and sorrows have finally paid off. Now come what may, I can finally face it. I won't be miserable anymore. Cinderella got her glass slippers Now I do not have to worry about jealous maniacs any more. In the end I am the winner. No matter what, I won. My biggest delight comes from knowing that you can't exploit me anymore. Of course that is going to trigger greatly. Who cares. Go to hell. Abusers can never let their victims have a happy time. They get jealous lol. They feel intense anger when the victim chooses to never return back to manipulative exploits and traps But I'm free at last. That's a huge victory I should celebrate.. I put my foot down firmly and put an end to their constant abuse of my trust.. Glad I did.. I didn't realize the level of toxicity that I was getting into. But finally glad that I put my foot down and put an end to their presence in my life for good.

If someone wants a poly relationship, they can move to Canada you know. Canada has a large population of poly people. In America most people are mono..which is a good thing especially in the Bible belt. Places like Utah are good for me. And im glad that I found my lover in the Bible belt. It's all very mono there and he is mono too so win win for me. Seriously if you're looking for poly move to Canada I suggest. You won't be disappointed.

Most people can't develop them. They come to a person naturally. Nothing to do with environment but more to do with genetics. And some good luck.

Entry5/5B First I need to blend the pieces of my identity including my gender identity and put all the pieces together. I'm very much focused on healing. But I'm still suffering massive levels of dissociation and instability. One thing is how I see men. Men are extremely attractive to me. Very enticing. Not necessarily for sexual reasons But I feel that chemistry, attachment and bonding that gets very intoxicating very quickly. But I have to understand the psychology of men. They're attracted to women too. There's a problem. I don't want to be seen as someone that a man wants to get frisky with.. I want a man who understands my needs as a human being and adores me before getting inside of me. I present a unique problem to most men I meet. They see me as a hot headed challenge. They find me spicy and attractive. This doesn't leave them any room or opportunity to connect with me emotionally. I tend to trigger them. They feel Sexual around me. And then they see me as a challenge that must be conquered at any rate. I can read a man's mind when he is talking to me.. It's almost like "what to do with this one?" They're constantly wondering how to handle me. This makes them look at me as someone who can only be controlled and restrained sexually and somehow they see that as a solution to my miseries. They assume that's what I'm looking for. This is very misleading. It makes them competitive around me and this tension leads to sexual attraction and even more aggression towards me just to get me to submit sexually. But that's an outward impression due to my haughty character. On the inside I'm like a lonely kid wanting attention, affection, connection, bonding and intimacy. Sex is not the only way to be intimate. Sadly whenever I expressed the need for intimacy, it always ended in the man wanting to offer his dick. But I wanted his heart more than his dick. I wanted him to sit with me, talk to me for hours on end, laugh and bond and understand me.. I wanted simply to be held and patted on my back. I wanted to be talked to. I wanted emotional connection. So I tried thinking about what led so many men to act this way with me. And I figured that it was mostly me being a bit hot headed and spunky around men. They are attracted to that kind of energy and then they feel like they want to tame me. If I tried to be less upbeat and a bit mellow and soft with men, they did not feel the need to conquer me.. I kinda gave them the diva-ish haughty queen vibe and that is extremely sexually enticing. Although I didn't do it on purpose, it's just my character. But if I learn to tone down my spikes and act chill and play coy and soft maybe I won't feel so hunted and aggressed upon. Maybe the man talking to me won't try to raise his stakes against me. I'm quite contradictory. I am fragile yet I'm strong willed. It's like two things in one. I have an inner fragility mixed with an outward show of defiance.

Those are physical and a part of basic personality, stuff you're born with. Charm is a natural trait.

Entry4/5B My current issues My BPD symptoms My INFJ-T personality (Introverted turbulent behavior) Pathological lying Developmental disability My autistic tendencies (I have mild to moderate autism) CPTSD Anger issues Anxiety and nightmares issues Feeling vulnerable and helpless all the time Moderate depression and suicidal ideation

Entry3/5B I also think I'm developmentally disabled to an extent. But I'm still high functioning

Entry2/5B Triggers cause bpd to kick in. BPD episodes are like anger or stress meltdowns. They can be followed by nightmares, panic attacks and or extreme avoidance /introversion. A low risk compassionate environment is beneficial to stabilization of bpd. BPD does not go away. It is only kept in control. Low trigger environment, supportive therapy, dialectic therapy and emotional supportive people or extremely loving partners help in speedy recovery and maintaining of bpd under control. One strict rule for BPD recovery/treatment - A bpd should never be abandoned under any circumstances as any form of emotional neglect/emotional unavailability /detachment and or Abandonment can cause a complete relapse of symptoms and further worsening. Causes of borderline Bullying Constant Abandonment by loved ones Emotional neglect during childhood Childhood trauma Child abuse Dysfunctional or broken home Abusive and toxic relationships Being invalidated by a parent At least one bipolar parent At least one narcissist parent with NPD(narcissistic personality disorder) Abusive parent Biological disposition to Vulnerability Mild autism during childhood Loss of a parent during childhood or teen years Loss of a pet Loss of a friend due to tragic circumstances Anxiety during formative years Obsessive daydreaming and detachment from reality as a coping mechanism Self destructive behavior in teen years Inability to love the self. Chronic unworthiness Poor self esteem growing up Constantly seeking love to fill emptiness Constant emotional distress and high stress environment High strung personality

Entry1/5B Autism. And other mental illnesses. Borderline behavior has links to the following Extreme Introversion Avoidance Trust issues Anger issues Borderline rage Abandonment issues Attachment and intimacy issues Vulnerability Autism Anxiety Constant crying, defensiveness and meltdowns Pathological Lying Enhanced Empathy Codependency doormat behavior Depression Suicidal Ideation CPTSD Bipolar Psychopathy Narcissism Dissociation Identity issues like in Multiple Personality Disorder Cluster B syndrome Borderline is not a brain chemistry problem. It's because of brain training and brain wiring with partial genetic disposition to biological Vulnerability. Circumstances have a big role to play in the formation of borderline psyche Borderlines can exhibit minor levels of narcissistic tendencies but they are not full blown narcissists Self destructive behavior Self harm Eating disorder Substance abuse Attraction to Narcissists and abusers Mild degree of Stockholm Syndrome Idolization of a partner Excessive attachment to a partner Personality in the form of an onion Irrational behavior, recklessness, impulsivity, loss of logic or sanity Insomnia high blood pressure Sexual compulsivity High risk versus low risk environment

Physical attraction and charm. Personality, looks, voice, mannerisms, temperament, style, communication skills, how you carry yourself. The most basic and initial form of attraction That tends to make first impressions.

Recording my dreams here as therapy.

Mental, emotional and spiritual cannot override biological.

Entry92/17 The Masculine wants to know everything, why? So it can control it, manipulate, possess it, own it!! This desire to control is based on the Masculine knowing it is sovereign, divine, supreme, it is authority itself and it basks in the power that it has. It loves to flex this power, and amaze itself with the bounds of ways it can investigate how best to wield this power. The Masculine meets the Feminine and it is in awe, look at that Feminine it is so powerful....but in a different way. It doesn't seek to know something by investigating it, it seeks to know something through connecting with it and experiencing it. It doesn't seek to control, but to be controlled, to be manipulated, to be possessed, and owned. But it will only give itself to that which is believes in. It doesn't have to know everything, it doesn't need to investigate, it just expresses itself at every moment on a whim. The Masculine is confused by the Feminine, to it...it makes no sense!!! The Masculine points at the Feminine and says you are crazy!!! You need to be careful, don't just walk anywhere there could be danger!!! You need to figure out your surroundings and make sense of what is going on!!! This is how you gain control!! The Feminine glances at the Masculine and says...that sounds very limited, that sounds like bondage....I would rather be free!! Who cares if I don't have all the answers? I'll go where I please, and do what I feel like every moment, and I will know through experience. Its not me that is crazy...its you!!! As they ponder on this for centuries.....they finally come to the truth....that they both....are crazy and don't make sense!!! The Feminine is constantly lost, and the Masculine is constantly afraid to act for fear of making the wrong decision and is always contemplating and planning and conceptualizing. They both decide to hatch a plan and help each other with what they lack. The Masculine hatches a plan, and the Feminine encourages the Masculine that they can pull it off. Through this continued partnership they eventually realize...that apart they are crazy and don't make sense....but together they are complete...and what's more they were never different they were just two parts of the same whole. When you are in balance, you can play any character any role, because you have the freedom of the feminine, but you also can take control at times, which is the discerning nature of the masculine, you are able to plan, and strategize and figure out what's going on, but you also have the faith, the belief, when you are put in unknown situations and you realize the limits to what you can know. So you walk a balance of gaining some control, then relinquishing it, to grasp and release, to take and give, and this is the dance of the Masculine and the Feminine.

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Entry85/17 3. Men as hero - She wants him to take care of her. Women in stage three seek a man as protector and provider with strength, courage, and ability, who can meet her needs, cherish her, and whom she wants to marry. He represents her ideal (and often unrealistic) image of the knight in shining armor who fulfills her expectations for good looks, intelligence, solid reputation, stable finances, generosity, loyalty, humor, kindness, care, integrity, and faithfulness. To be in a good bargaining position, this woman will focus on her appearance, health/fitness, and adapting to the world of men by seeking a higher education, pursuing a career, fighting for social justice, or saving a failing business. She will appear as self-affirming and expects something in return. She functions well in the competitive world of men, sees herself as equal, is willing to share responsibilities, and will contribute and perform as long as her partner is able to provide more in return, since women want to marry up. As long as he meets her expectations for financial security, social status, and devotion, she will support him to achieve his full potential while often denying such achievements to herself. This can lead to feelings of resentment and anger when she sees that she has been “denied” the right to experience her own competence, and when her partner/husband fails to live up to her ever-growing expectations. Some women in this stage will enter an inward journey once they become aware of the transitory nature of their physical attractiveness, ability to succeed with men, and limitations of finding acceptance in the male world. This may lead them to the restoration of their female authority 234 as they take responsibility for their own identity once they have moved into stage four of their animus complex development.235

Entry84/17 STAGES OF ANIMUS DEVELOPMENT IN WOMEN 1. Men as alien outsiders - She fears, hates, and loves him. Because of abuse or abandonment from men that she identified with during childhood, such as a father, father figure, older brother, uncle, or family friend, a woman in this stage completely denies and suppresses her animus as alien inside and outside of herself. She trusts her mother and other females, while she distrusts, hates, or fears men. This is often countered by a strange curiosity about men, which she cannot differentiate. This ambivalence can make her extremely seductive, needy, and clingy, and cause severe symptoms of the “seduce and withhold”230 syndrome. As soon as a man gets close to her she withdraws, only to come back to ask for more after he becomes distant. She can break the heart of a weak man who tries to prove that he is different, attempts to rescue her from her fears, and so becomes codependent231 as she lures him into her pathological cat and mouse game. Within the limits of her domain in household, family, and female-oriented work environment (e.g., school teacher, nurse, artist, gardener, therapist, healer, working with animals, etc.), such a woman may seem grounded and self-confident. Outside those limits, she leaves the work and responsibility to men and more mature women.232 2. Men as father, God, or king - She wants his approval. The self-esteem of a woman in this stage is directly connected to the response and approval that she receives from men. She is often driven by a need to be seen as the most attractive female, and constantly monitors her value by her internalized masculine judgment and through externalized male reflection. This may lead to a split in her personality when she imitates male behavior to be liked by them, and at other times presents herself as a sexually seductive femme fatale (such as in the movie Basic Instinct) to be desired. She either hides behind a feminine mask of beautiful appearance, graceful charming manner, and entertaining wit, or develops a tom boyish attitude through teasing, competing, and challenging, or some other facade that suggests success. Women in this stage gravitate towards men that they perceive to be more attractive, intelligent, and exciting than they could ever be themselves. They often try to live up to men by dietary restrictions, vigorous physical exercising, adapting to their intellectual interests, developing new talents, and being sexually available to become the perfect mate. If a woman remains in this stage, she is at great risk of entering a profound depression when her beauty and sexual attractiveness wane, and the number of heads that she is turning, and men who admire her diminishes. She may then isolate herself from all intimate relationships, because her perfectionism overrides her ability to be compassionate and to forgive her own and others’ mistakes. This may lead her to withdraw into a cold and bitter self-denial in which her anxieties create all kinds of psychosomatic illnesses, such as panic attacks, vomiting, heart problems, fatigue, and body aches. A strong, conscious, and patient man (or a good psychotherapist) can support a woman in this stage to find her own worth, passions, and identity, independent of male approval, which then allows her to enter into stage three.

Entry83/17 4. Women as guide to creativity and awakening - He struggles with her need for independence. In the fourth stage, a man’s anima functions as a guide to his inner life. As women in this stage become emotionally and financially independent from men, they often turn away and abandon their partners against their will. This challenges him to seek other sources of fulfillment, happiness, aliveness, passion, joy, purpose, peace, and love. Through his quest arises a desire to answer life’s deeper questions of “who am I,” “where do I come from,” “why am I here,” “what is the meaning of my life,” “what should I do,” “what is my purpose,” and “where do I go”? Contemplating these questions, reading books like the one that you are holding right now, meditating, or seeking a bond with others on a similar path in men’s groups, New Age churches, and personal growth workshops allow him to bring deeper levels of his unconscious anima into his awareness. This leads to a liberating process of awakening to his authentic nature, true purpose, genuine passions, and capacity to love unconditionally that are independent from a partnership with a woman.224 On the flipside, he may show behaviors that are usually described as a midlife crisis,225 become commitment phobic, avoid deeper intimacy with women altogether, or engage in serial monogamy or polyamory,226 since he does not want to sacrifice his newfound freedom or to be limited by one partnership. This partial awakening (the idea of living alone is not Integral, fully realized, or the ultimate realization of human development) is transcended when a man enters stage five of his anima development. 5. Women as equal partner - He meets her as an opposite and equal partner. Similar to a woman in this stage (see below), a man in stage five of his anima complex development has accepted the fact that conflicts and ambivalence are intrinsic to human relationships, and sees how their resolution contributes to his ongoing healing, personal growth, and spiritual realization. He feels confident, secure, and comfortable to authentically express his sexual essence (which tends to be masculine in heterosexual men), while he embraces his feminine (anima).227 This allows him to invite differing views, experiences, and feelings of his female partner without feeling threatened, offended, or puzzled by them. Her authentic stage-five feminine qualities naturally complement his masculinity and vice versa. Since he has found his own purposeful identity that does not depend on her inspiration, support, or approval, he appreciates his partner’s independent authority,228 and doesn’t feel responsibility, shame, or insecurity if she is unhappy—even though he shows empathy, care, and devotion—and enjoys when she is happy. He neither clings, nor pushes her away, but fully opens to embrace her at all levels of his being when they are together, and stays content and fulfilled when they are apart. This allows him to enter into a mature monogamous relationship of opposites and equals from which radically new life experiences, emotional healing processes, and deeper spiritual realizations that often become the foundation for altruistic acts of kindness and service towards others emerge.