Tyler Robinson

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Entry8/3 So at the time I told him that I wanted a person who was naturally spiritual and not someone who derives his spirituality via psychedelics. His ego was hurt and once again he was talking about breaking off with me. He said spirituality was non-negotiable. I wasn't telling him to not do it ,I was simply disagreeing with his approach. I mean where is my will in this relationship? Everything had to be his way or no way. If anytime I didn't agree with him, he would instantly blackmail me with breaking the relationship. Is this not super controlling and manipulative? Where is the space for my will,needs or concerns in all of this ? So he broke up with me. The second time. I was pissed too. I was like fuck off. I was done being a slave to his list of demands and his constant emotional blackmail. I was moving on peacefully when he came around one more time after rejecting me twice before. Once again he pretended like he wanted to help me pitying my condition and feeling sorry for me, offering himself, simping again. This time I was having a bad time and feeling especially vulnerable because of some family issues I had been facing (my family wounds were the cause of my BPD ). So he told me that I might be feeling lonely and might need him to talk to. This was all purely his initiation, because I didn't have a single thought about him after I had moved on. So he dropped off his number and told me to call him. I thought he wanted to help me so I called him. He left me no chance to open up about my childhood trauma (which was the real intent of the call) and instead he dominated the conversation by rambling away about Mormons. Next he began texting me. So I thought this was my opportunity to open up about my trauma. this time he again began to talk about some random bullshit. Not once did he suggest me to start talking about my trauma. He once again implied that I was a wonderful person. To that I replied - "you're so sweet." I didn't mean it romantically. I meant it as a compliment for having offered me his number. He immediately said - "are we still attracted to each other ?" Isn't this the same man who had rejected me twice before and pretended that I had been chasing him on the forum and made a big drama out of it ?????" So I felt trapped and helpless. Because here is a man who is trying to help me but at the cost of having me as a girlfriend and wanting to be sexual with me. So I relented because I was super lonely and I wanted someone to talk to. It's like he wanted to help me but in return I must comply to his sexual demands and offer myself sexually to him. So i did. ( Tell me if this is not manipulative of him.) From my journal entries he knew very well that I was sexually weak. That if he seduced me, I would have no way to resist him. He used sex as a weapon in the relationship to keep me wanting him. But on here he pretended like I was seducing him, when in reality he always initiated anything that was sexual and would demand it even if I wasn't in the mood to want it. But sex was my biggest weakness and he was using it thoroughly to control me. It's like a woman using sex to control a man. It was the reverse in my case, he was using sex to constantly bait me into the relationship and I would relent. He was using my weakness. He treated me like a conquest.

Entry7/3 After submitting to his demand of being his girlfriend, we got into an argument over psychedelics. I basically wasn't okay with his psychedelics lifestyle and I let him know that. He was pissed off again and told me that he would break off if I didn't accept psychedelics. How is this not manipulative? Basically controlling and manipulative. He would always be like - " if you didn't do this for me,I will break off, if you didn't do that for me ,I will break off." This is straight up emotional blackmail. It's like if I didn't shut up and do exactly as he needed he would cut me out. And this is not manipulative? If a woman did this to a man, all the men would label her as a total manipulative control freak. But just because you're men and he is a man, this behaviour is being considered okay? I began to accept psychedelics only for him. I started making threads on psychedelics even if I literally had zero interest, just to impress him since he had pressured me into taking it up or he would leave. This is basically my side of the story that nobody gets to hear because I don't have the habit of slamming others. I'm an introvert who keeps to herself until I'm properly provoked to say something. You only get to hear his narrative because that's what he wanted people to hear. He secretly admitted to his manipulation behind everyone's back to me, but why was he silent about it on the forum. To save his own pride and ego ? Nice. The story continues. In the beginning I didn't want a relationship with him so I thought pretending to be older than I was would drive him away. But that didn't work. Because he indirectly implied that I should never have a problem with it. That it didn't matter to him. So the relationship continued with all his sweet talk. I had made up my mind that I didn't want him after his initial rejection and drama that he created about it. He was pissed off because I didn't accept his psychedelics clause of the relationship. Why should I? If he wanted it so desperately, why wouldn't he find a woman who likes doing psychedelics. Why be with me and pressure me into lt ? Next he talked about spirituality. Although I wanted a spiritual partner, I wasn't exactly comfortable with his spiritual perspectives. I don't remember the details (all of this happened in the middle of April just after my diagnosis with BPD and I wasn't in the right frame of mind.)

Entry6/3 On 9/1/2022 at 11:05 PM, Tyler Robinson said: Entry6/3 About Ben(you know who you are) (want to vent and be Done with this ugly chapter of my life ) He and I met in this useless place. I actually didn't want the relationship with him so maybe I was subconsciously trying to drive him away by pretending to be older than I was. I didn't lie about my occupation. I don't know where that came from. Also I never said that I am stage Coral. Some things you just make up about me. I always maintained that i am stage green. Now I didn't really want him. He was simping me. He was negging me. Kinda indirectly teasing me flirtatiously. Not overtly, but subtly. He had been giving me constant mixed signals for almost 2 weeks but he denies it, yet he was doing it. He even made a video on me. I was on his mind. I had no idea at first. I am not pretending to be innocent. But I really had no idea he was wanting me subconsciously until he began writing about me in his journal. He was constantly drawing my attention to him. I had no idea who he even was. I generally don't read other's journals. But I accidentally clicked his and discovered that he had been writing about me which got me take note of him. When I told him that I didn't want to deal with a bipolar person, he was very pissed off. He began whining about it. I apologised to him about it. That's when he pretended like he wanted to help me. I thought to myself - "what a kind person !" ....kindness is an instant attraction to me. Hindsight he was trying to help me in order to attract me to him <his manipulation> he didn't really want to help me. It was his way of getting me interested in him. He wasn't being pure about his intent. He mentioned this himself in his journal(which is deleted).. I don't/didn't have a dozen bfs. Only Marc and this guy. I don't like to mention his name because he was extremely manipulative with me but turned it on me. So please stop saying a dozen forum bfs. It serves no purpose but to shame me. I only have imaginary lovers not real. The only real ones were Marc and this guy. Nobody came to you except this one guy. So stop exaggerating, shaming, lying, slandering and blowing things out of proportion. It hurts. other than blaming and shaming and the supposed people you're trying to defend are no innocent angels. I was instantly attracted to him. Yes he was kinda simping me, but simps aren't exactly as innocent as you assume them to be. He was simping me just to dump me later. How is that not manipulation? Using others for emotional/sexual needs ? He wasn't foolish. He knew what he was doing. So I thought if he was giving me mixed signals,then I will take the first step. So I told him that I was attracted to him. He immediately said that he didn't mean to want anything with me and acted like I was being manipulative. How exactly was I manipulative when all along he had been giving me mixed signals? Ok, so I accepted everything he said and moved on. But it didn't stop there. After creating a fuss about the whole thing, he kept hovering around me, told me that he can't control himself and began seducing me again. He himself initiated flirty talk. This time I was sexually seduced by him. And I gave in. After all the sexual feelings he gave me, I told him that I wanted nothing to do with him.. I clearly told him that I didnt want a relationship. He kept pressuring me into being his girlfriend to the point of emotional blackmail. He wanted to break friendship with me if I didn't accept him as a boyfriend. Isn't this manipulative? Also this is like if a woman becomes your girlfriend and then tells you -"pay me $1000 a month if you wish to keep me as your girlfriend or else I'm gone." Now you're attracted to this woman and you can't lose her so you end up paying. That's the kind of thing he did. I had no other option but to give in. I truly didn't want the relationship but he had seduced me and gotten me emotionally involved with his sweet talk and constant persuasion to be his girlfriend. He basically baited me and then placed the condition that I had to be his girlfriend. But on the forum he pretended like I was the one chasing him, nothing could be further from the truth. I didn't want to badmouth him because I liked him and that had kept my mouth sealed shut. I'm not saying I'm innocent because I lied about stuff and that might have hurt him that I lied. He used to tell me that lying hurts him. But I had already told him that I'm a psychopath. He pretended to be okay with my psychopath behaviour. What about his accountability here ? When women fall for abusive men, we blame women for choosing to stay with such men. Why can't we apply the same to men? When I clearly told him early on that I was a psychopath, and he still chose to be with me, where's his accountability here? In fact he said that he was attracted to my crazy behaviour. Really !! Then why complain later?

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Chapter5A - Warehouse of love and prayers Entry1/5A Entry2/5A Chapter5C - Basics of living(my life 2022) Entry1/5C

This

Chapters list Chapter5A - Warehouse of love and prayers.... Done Chapter5B - Spectrum disorder (not done) Chapter5C - Basics of living(my life 2022) done ..... Chapter2 - Updates journal (separate) Chapter3 - Collection of thoughts and insights Done Chapter4 - My artwork, music, poetry (separate) Chapter5 - Therapy Journal (separate) Chapter6 - LSD trip reports (separate)

I have observed a very peculiar situation. Whenever I watch porn, I lose interest in wanting a man romantically. Everything gets reduced to just raw sex. I don't want it this way Whenever I switch off porn I go back to liking men spiritually, emotionally and romantically Why does this happen? Does this happen to the opposite gender too?

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Chapter 5- Therapy Journal.

I need to focus on unconditional love, NPC and atomic lists.

Motivation.

Current life projects Read books (you forgot that) Next - plan LSD trip Watch Youtube Videos Assignment work (blg you know what) Mom's work - take mom to specialist Caffeine shots Music therapy 15 minute meditation Listening to Alpha male role models... David Goggins Art work Writing skills Ways to build motivation Poetry