Tyler Robinson

What does ambivalent imply?

Chapter39 - High IQ and high EQ Entry1/39 On 8/24/2022 at 5:42 AM, Tyler Robinson said: This is the only way. On 8/24/2022 at 5:50 AM, Tyler Robinson said: Eat eggs and yogurt On 8/24/2022 at 10:32 AM, Tyler Robinson said: So throughout my life I have observed that it's the low IQ low EQ kind of persons who always created the biggest problems for me. It's just a fact. I'm tired of dealing with such people. And a constant theme was either low IQ or low EQ. On 8/24/2022 at 9:21 PM, Tyler Robinson said: I don't know what the world is headed to.. Again I don't think that this forum really matters or views expressed on this forum should be considered the worldview. Why are men this way? They're very forgiving towards men but completely unforgiving towards women. If a woman disagrees, whines or fights back, they immediately label her as toxic, yet when they see someone as pathetic as Andrew Tate, they still try to find something good about him. It's bewildering and sheer hypocrisy. Is society going to become more and more dangerous for women or are there good men still out there? I fear for the women now and for the women of the future. It's getting harder and dreadful by the day. A guy who says that men cheating on women is fine but women cheating isn't. A guy who has a video of him beating up a woman and yet we're supposed to assume it was simply a sexual kink. And give him a pass, Nevermind all the sexist stuff he says. Also there is no clear cut evidence to debunk the video. Most men said that they're okay with his misogynistic stuff. Why is it okay? Someone said that it's okay if he is seeing many women as long as the women are okay. Isn't this bad for a woman's emotional health? The views expressed here are mostly by insecure men and this could be a cesspool of them. That's why they support him. A man who really wants a great male role model who is secure in his manhood will never support someone as toxic as Andrew Tate, like Leo, he does not support him. I wonder where all the real men went, what kind of men are replacing these real men. I would shudder to think that every man thinks like Andrew Tate. Then I wouldn't want to be a part of this world.

Chapter37 - compilation of my dreams Entry1/37 On 8/26/2022 at 6:11 PM, Tyler Robinson said: I woke up from a dream. In the dream I was imagining strange things. I was writing something. On 8/26/2022 at 6:43 PM, Tyler Robinson said: So I saw this girl in the dream and she was somewhat bitchy towards me. She was my friend but she was quite passive aggressive most of the time. Throughout the dream I kept trying to talk to her. And sometimes she would be nice and sometimes mean. I showed her my flower collection. Then she slipped me a paper and I wrote a request order for more flowers. We went shopping later and she would complain and whine about every little thing. I also saw my sister in the same dream. On 8/26/2022 at 6:45 PM, Tyler Robinson said: When I woke up from the dream I was a bit sad and anxious.. Not able to make sense of things. On 8/31/2022 at 10:48 PM, Tyler Robinson said: I had a bad dream again. A guy was throwing his semen at me in the dream. I was throwing up. I was too uncomfortable. Walking through corridors of an old university. There was this old lady who was following me around that building and she was being too stuck up and she told me a story about a couple. I got obsessed with that story. I wanted to know more. So I met that couple. But it's all blurred. Later I blame the same couple of stealing my story. I ran.... I don't know where. I can see myself walking with my relative to a nearby store and we buy a mattress, a Huge one. We lay it on the floor. It's a yellow mattress. I tell her that it's too rough and not good enough. We decide to get another one.. Dream ends abruptly. There were elements in the dream that made me excessively uncomfortable.

Chapter39 - High IQ and high EQ Entry1/39 Chapter39 - High IQ and high EQ Entry1/39 Chapter40 - Angelic Energy Entry1/40 Chapter41- Eduoid - human NPC Entry1/41 Chapter42 - Completely naked Entry1/42 Chapter43 - Bullet focus Entry1/43 Chapter44 - A Lot of Drama Entry1/44 Chapter45 - Shame Entry1/45

Chapter38 - Good experiences Entry1/38 Life is all about having a good experience and then piling them up to create memories. Life passes by anyway. On 8/26/2022 at 1:01 AM, Tyler Robinson said: I made a ton of mistakes. Tons and tons and tons of mistakes. It was my naivete and innocence and my capacity to not be too skeptical that caused me to keep making more mistakes. Yet I've come so far, I have learned so much, I'm doing much better than before. My autism was a huge cause. But hopefully I will get over it. I tell myself everyday that I need to learn and grow. So many things I have to be good at. I still lack so much. One thing that always helped me is self honesty. I have never tried to do something that didn't align with who I was. On 8/26/2022 at 4:18 AM, Tyler Robinson said: How to have good experiences? - I really don't know. I crave for wholesome and good experiences. I have been treated shitty for a very long time. Now I want to be around decent respectful folks who give me what I'm worth Then I want to feel good about life at least once in a while. I want to imagine the arms of a lover(I know I'm a die hard romantic) and I want to feel like I am completing this life and moving into another reincarnated form for my next birth. I want to spend a few beautiful years before going anonymous or into oblivion forever. I want to make good of my life, learn a new skill and then take the path of spirituality for the rest of my life. I want to have a short term career of an artist or writer. Make some money while I can. I have understood that the core component of life is basically having good experiences and then channeling ones energy towards something productive and worthwhile and settling into a beautiful routine of love, creativity, health, work, peace and freedom. I was never given a fair chance. Having that integrity,consistency that stability (that I craved), having that continuity, having that purpose and having that fulfillment. The key to life lies in its rhythm and its flow, it's simplicity and its beautiful exchange between the life and the liver. I wasted my teenage years in bad experiences. I'm so hungry for knowledge, for learning. On 8/26/2022 at 4:49 AM, Tyler Robinson said: Learn learn learn. Berrylee NPC NPC NPC On 8/26/2022 at 5:05 AM, Tyler Robinson said: 24/7 monitor I need to keep a 24/7 monitor. So I know that I'm constantly in a healthy state of mind and only experiencing good things. On 8/26/2022 at 5:17 AM, Tyler Robinson said: How am I productive Today? Ask that question.

By not acting like a gay friend. By negging. Torture her.

Better be honest with her. It doesn't cost a thing. A guy did something similar to me. He lead me on to believe that he was in love. I was deeply in love with him by then. It was too late. Then he wanted to back out. I felt used and hurt. It drove me insane because he cut me off abruptly. Cutting someone out abruptly after getting them emotionally invested can make a person temporarily insane. I suffered temporary insanity and recovered after a month. It was heart wrenching.

Entry14/3 I kept telling him that he needed to relax and that i wasn't stalking him. He dragged it from mid May to the whole of June. i decided that it was best to leave the forum because he wouldn't stop complaining. i had stopped copying him long ago. But he started the same " she is stalking me " drama again on June 15. Its like he couldn't and wouldn't stop reading my journals. it was so simple. i had slowly began to dissolve my attachment to him. i succeeded and i had stopped thinking about him altogether. But he was still paranoid about me. i made a post about Dragon. he thought it was about him. it wasn't about him at all. He was super paranoid at all times. i simply didnt have the freedom to write anything i wanted. anything and everything i wrote, his paranoid mind thought it was about him. he simply couldn't stop reading about me. in some ways he was obsessed with me. he couldn't let me go completely. he rejected me so many times and kept coming back until i put a full stop to it. i mean that should tell you how much he thought about me . Even in the relationship, he had put a massive amount of effort to keep me around. He kept me hooked on as much as he could. None of my exes put this level of effort in keeping me. although he did all that, he also gave me a hard time with his mind games, manipulative ways and destructive ways. I give him credit for getting me interested in psychedelics. They were good things about him like he taught me some spiritual stuff. He also helped me understand bipolar people better and cultivate empathy for them although I won't date bipolar people again because bipolar and BPD complicate one another a bit. The whole experience with his behaviour left me feeling bitter, vulnerable, played, betrayed, abandoned, hurt, fearful, weak, humiliated, demonized, frustrated, and unable to trust anyone again. He knows how to play victim and meticulously hide his own role in hurting others. It's almost like he just cannot see what he does.

Entry12/3 i called him fake. it triggered him badly. well obviously I should call him fake because all of his love and simping was a mockery of my emotions. He had taken emotional advantage of an emotionally disordered, mentally ill, traumatized, abused, woman for his sexual needs in the name of helping her. He wanted me as a temporary girlfriend so he could practice his pickup skills on me and manipulate me to see if he can win my affection. He even told me that he first started following Leo because he was desperate to pick up girls. I felt emotionally manipulated and played and dumped and then humiliated. Simping is never innocent, it's a form of manipulation too. Do you see how this can be manipulative? Just because you have your male agenda doesn't mean men can't be manipulative. i began to act weird after that. This was May 17. I was losing my mental balance at this point, i was unable to deal with the mind games he was playing. i was severely addicted to him. he had gotten me addicted to him emotionally. he was on my mind 24/7. i couldn't break off my attachment to him. BPD has severe attachment issues. You have to abandon them slowly not quickly, otherwise they become unstable. i began to suffer what is known as BPD dissociation. i felt like everything was unreal, i was sleepwalking. i kept saying his name a million times to myself, even in sleep i was murmuring his name. He had quickly broken off with me, but to break off completely from him was incredibly difficult for me. i needed some time to slowly forget him. (but he was impatient and didn't give a damn about me) he wanted to quickly get over me and be done with it. So in order to not forget him,i copied his profile picture and his journal title. i was amused within me. My intention wasn't to stalk him. I was just trying to have something of him with me, some semblance, some symbol. So i took his profile picture. i wanted his shirt as a memory of our relationship but i couldn't get that. So I took his profile picture. This is like you love a puppy and then you abandon the puppy on the side of the street. And the puppy comes running back and latches on to your door because the puppy doesn't want to feel abandoned and you keep accusing the puppy of stalking. How awful is that !! If doing this to an animal is considered wrong, why is it okay to do this to a human ? Why is it okay to do this to a woman ? Why is it okay to lead someone on, string them along and then break their heart? Just because he was bored ? Am I not a human being ? Do I not have feelings ? Why tell me that he loves me if he wasn't really into me ? Because he desired having a girlfriend at the cost of my trust and emotions ???? If my lying hurt him, what about him hurting me with his manipulation? Why is that not sickening? What about all the days I cried over feeling used, played and dumped. He put a ton of effort in to winning my trust, and simping me and promptly abandoned me without giving a damn about my feelings. Playing with someone's emotions is okay? How is his behaviour moral ? All of this while I told him that abandoning me could worsen my BPD. Yet he didn't give a single duck about me..why should I give a duck about him then ? he told Leo that I was stalking him. i was only trying to hold on to whatever that belonged to him. In my mind he was still with me. Initially i didn't want to be his girlfriend and i lied about my age to ward him off. But later he got me hooked with all the emotional and sexual talk. I feared this the most, that's why I was reluctant to being his girlfriend. I didn't want the consequences of being abandoned, i knew i would become insane if that were to happen. if he had waited a bit and stayed patient, i would have eventually forgotten him,let him go and moved on..But he made a big fuss out of it and began gossiping and telling everyone that i was stalking him. i even sent a message to him through you to tell him that i never meant any harm. But his Big as a mountain ego wouldn't budge. Mr Egoic Psychedelic Prince that he is.. he kept whining and it was stressing me out. i was trying to cope with everything all at once - the breakup and abandonment, the consequences of his mind games, BPD dissociation as a result of the abandonment and demonization and accusations of being a stalker. it was my breaking point. To top it up you were constantly slandering me saying that I had a dozen forum boyfriends, when i had only two relationships of being here at least 3 years, i hadn't seduced any guy, they would simp me and use me as a temporary girlfriend because they never had a woman and I'm kinda submissive and easy to manipulate with sweet talk. it's not okay to emotionally manipulate someone and dump them once your needs are satisfied, its predatory. i was kinda happy with my imaginary boyfriends, there was no need to seduce me. And then hurt me. Those mind games hurt too.

Entry11/3 Next day. He texted me again profusely apologizing for all the violent talk of wanting to kill me and the umbrella comment. I forgave him. He was also apologizing for wanting to rape me (as a form of punishment for flirting with other men). I said it was alright, it was his bipolar episode after all. (Frankly I had no clue as to what part of his conversation was his real intent and what part was his bipolar delusion). Then he once again told me that he cannot continue a relationship with me since he had dumped me too many times and that he didn't really love me. I was extremely furious. Because he kept switching between "I love you" one day and then "I don't love you" the very next day, driving me insane with his constant manipulation and hot and cold mind games. I had enough of his twisted games and then placing the blame on me instead of taking responsibility and simply using his bipolar as an excuse to emotionally abuse me. I was fed up and I told him to stop simping and baiting me with his "I love you" games. This time I decided to have a firm boundary and told him to fuck off for good and not get sexual with me again. He had zero opportunity to have anymore sexy time because I had put an end to it. This was the first time I was firmly rejecting him for good. On his end, this was his fourth rejection. I had enough of his rejections and baiting. He said that he was jealous if I dated someone else or if someone else wanted to fuck me, and this jealousy is after he had dumped me, like what right or entitlement does he have to be jealous after breaking the relationship??? Am I not free to move on and date others once he breaks up with me ? Next day on the forum he made a thread indirectly calling me "low vibrational energy" that he shouldn't deal with, being condescending towards me as though I was some prostitute he fucked in an alley. Like really ???? If anything, I was a virgin he was trying so hard to seduce, <he would put 3 hours into giving me an orgasm, a lot of hard work right?> and he was the one who was talking about raping me, he was the one who was talking about skinning me alive and turning my skin into an umbrella. And after I complied to everything, I'm low vibrational energy ? Wtf. Like I should take all of his unkind talk, his emotional blackmail, his constant rejections and dumping, his sweet talk and fake simping, his violent outbursts, his bipolar mood swings, his fantasies of raping and killing and torturing me,his indirect threats, his jealousy, his unfair possessiveness and after tolerating all of his unkindness I also get labelled as the "bad person" "low quality person" "low vibrational energy," and get psychologically degraded by him. So after tolerating all of his craziness I am being degraded as a human publicly and left to absorb all the humiliation from him. Tell me who wouldn't be absolutely and insanely triggered by this ? The amount of mind games that anyone would typically play over the course of a year, he played all those games in just a month, driving me to the edge of insanity. I felt like I wanted to be admitted to a psychiatric ward because I was breaking down emotionally with his constant baiting and dumping. Nobody should ever deserve this, at least not an emotional BPD person like me, what had I done wrong to deserve this. All I ever did was open up about my emotional wounds in my journal. And he preyed on it like a shark would hunt a sardine. Totally predatory. He enticed me, baited me sexually, weaponized sex, acted like he was comforting me, abandoned me whenever he wanted to, basically he used me because he wanted to feel desired by a woman and then ruthlessly cut me off without having a care in the world about my feelings. Does anyone act like this with someone they claim to love and support ? Didn't he say that he loved me(multiple times) and that he would never abandon me(multiple times) throughout the relationship ? If he thinks I hurt him, he hurt me 10 times more.. Treating me like some prostitute really hit my dignity. This was my last trigger point. I broke down. I had taken enough humiliation from him already and he was continuing to add insult to injury. So I decided to call him out on his insane behaviour and told him to get help with some psychiatrist because he had been driving me nuts with his insane Paranoia and misinterpretation of me. I never wanted to kill him. And he was calling me a killer on the forum. Is this not insane ?? When in reality he was the one expressing the desire to kill me?

Entry10/3 After that sweet conversation he starts another conversation that veers off into a very strange direction. This time he tells me that he can kill any person he wants to..at first I was laughing it off. Then I asked him if he was planning to hurt me. He said no. That he would never hurt me. Then why was he telling me how physically tough he was ? That he could break my wrist into two halves. He proceeded to tell me that he could make 6 people bleed at a time. He was in the Navy, so I don't know, all I know is that he is physically strong. When I told him that I'm not worried, he said -"you don't know what I can do in anger." Wasn't this an indirect threat. Then he told me that he would skin me alive, dry my skin and turn it into an umbrella. Am I a Jew? Is this the holocaust? Wtf? (He had promised me that he would come to my country at some point and visit me. He had been saving money for that. At some point in this conversation I had some fear that he would find me and kill me. I don't know why but it was a paranoia fueled by this conversation and deep down I complied to him only out of fear. He is deeply dominating and controlling and because of my trauma I'm deeply attracted to such men..he is very masculine too. ) So I began goofing to kinda play along and told him that I would take a knife and stab his arm a bunch. He laughed at it and told me to slash his throat instead. I was very offended because his neck was my favourite place and I got emotional. I never wanted to kill him, never even entertained such a thought, so I was feeling sick of his twisted fantasy of me slashing his throat. I wanted to abandon the conversation but he wouldn't let me. He asked me to rape him. I told him that I couldn't do something like that. Then he told me some stuff and I asked him if he was raping me. He told me that if he wanted to rape me I could do nothing to stop him. I was feeling a bit weirded out by all this but I complied to his every word because I didn't want to piss him off anymore. I'm a bit of a people pleaser because of my low self esteem and BPD so I did not resist him at all. I could have ended the conversation but like I said I didn't want to piss him off, I could already sense from his violent talk that he was very angry at me. The overall implied meaning of that conversation was - ”if you double crossed me and slept with another dude, I'm gonna chop you off. " I could sense his possessiveness about me, he wanted me sexually to himself even after rejecting and dumping me. Like wtf. If this is not controlling then what is ? Plus all the indirect machoism and threatening is once again blackmail to keep me with him. Since I had been his girlfriend,I know how he communicates on an intimate level. He talks publicly in a clear logical lucid manner. But privately he talks indirectly, choosing to communicate in metaphors. I have to sit down and interpret all of his indirect talk. Like he doesn't directly say - I love you. He will first throw a hint and wait for me to pick on it. If I don't get his hint,he will then proceed to unpack it for me. He was a shy introvert before and after taking psychedelics he turned into an extrovert. Once the conversation ended, I slept off blissfully thinking that I had complied to all of his demands and that I had cooled off his anger. He ended the conversation by saying that he would hold me tightly in his arms and take a nap.

Entry9/3 So... now without my willingness I was already his girlfriend. I did not disappoint him. I was nice to him, did whatever he wanted me to. His behaviour and mood changed like the weather in his town. So one day he was bored and decided to break off with me. I was just a slave to his whims and fancies. As usual everything always had to be how he wanted. I told him to stay as a friend. I thought everything was okay now and I moved on quickly. I felt some relief because I didn't have to be his girlfriend anymore. I began flirting with other guys. I even wrote about imaginary lovers. He wasn't having it. He texted me again and asked if I had a new boyfriend. I said no. Should it matter to him if I have a new boyfriend or not after he had promptly used me sexually and dumped me ??? But no as usual, Mr Egoic Psychedelic Prince has to control everything about my sex Life I guess....? So I told him I had no man in my life, he was kinda relieved to hear that. A week goes by. I was happy, finally moving on from the dumb manipulative games this man had been playing with me..I thought I had found relief. One day he sent me an angry text suddenly out of the blue. He was very pissed and butthurt that I had lied to him and double crossed him. His anger reached its highest peak or should I say his ego. He came to me that day and began bashing me for lying to him. Then he told me that I was also lying about my exes. This was his own invention. I had never lied about my exes. Now he is bipolar and paranoid, so he imagined that everything I said was a lie. Then he proceeded to tell me that it didn't matter that I was lying and he still loved me. His only condition was that I shouldn't be fucked by any other man except him. Wow. All of this after rejecting me three times??? Like how many times is this guy going to play these mind games with me. Then he once again began to get me horny. Seducing and baiting me with sweet talk. I could not resist him,my fault, so I gave in. I was deeply bonded to him because of all the emotional manipulation he had been doing and partly because of my BPD. And zero boundaries which is a part of my trauma.

Entry9/3 So at the end of the conversation, I was feeling absolutely trapped. He told me that he loves me and he would never leave me, and a bunch of nonsense to string me along. He would never abandon me blah blah blah ...all sweet talk to manipulate me into staying. I could not afford to piss him off again ( this was the third time he was baiting me and I had gotten addicted to his sweet talk and I thought he would really help me. Plus I'm BPD which means i get attached too easily to anyone who is being sweet and kind. ) I gave in and considered myself his girlfriend this time. I didn't want a relationship because I was fresh off the breakup from Marc and I didn't want to be abandoned again. Marc and I had drifted apart gradually and he had abandoned me triggering my BPD big time, although he was an absolute gentleman and he didn't play any mind games with me, unlike this guy.)

Chapter4 - My artwork, music, poetry

I'm planning this since a long time. Chapter6 - LSD trip reports Looking forward to this so badly. I had planned this long ago and a ton of things got in the way and I completely forgot about this. Now I wanna try this again. I fixed an appointment with my friend. Let's see. Next week maybe. Wishing myself good luck pre trip.

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