Tyler Robinson

Oh God.

Timeline of quitting the forum. In a way I had multiple closures this month on These days October 4 - with him October 9 - Leo appoints new mods October 11 - ended a casual fling. First thought of leaving the forum. October 12 - Andrew Tate thread October 16 - made peace with two others. Had a fight on the Tate thread. Decision to leave the forum became stronger. October 16- came to know about Leo October 18 - Mike found me October 20 - had fights on dating section threads because of being mocked on about my rape situation and my virginity. BS. Made urgent decision to quit forum by October 21.. Bye bye.

https://www.actualized.org/forum/staff I already made plans of leaving the forum permanently on October 11. This is an old entry from that date.

I also made peace with some people on here on October 16. That day I was very exhausted because that day I had a huge fight on the Andrew Tate thread. I think by October 16 I made the decision to quit the forum by October 25. I had 2 days worth of peace following that. And.... Today October 20, my nest was rattled again by some dating section threads where I mentioned that I was a virgin and it seems to have irked some people. I even talked about my rape experience on another thread.

We forgave each other on October 4. That was the last we saw of each other. (He had left on September 10)

List some healthy mental stimulants please. More organic with less addictive or other side effects.

I'm glad that all of these changes are happening to me. The overall trajectory is in the positive direction only. I have strategically escaped a ton of trouble. I had faced a ton of shit for literally nothing other than self expression. I have severed my connection with this place in so many ways. I improved so much over the last year.. So much that I went through But I'm like a phoenix. I'm still victorious. I emerged out of my problems, I didn't give up.. It was helluva of a struggle. It began last year in August and it ends finally this year in October. Oh God finally out of the Frying Pan without landing in the frier. I feel like this elephant. Moving through struggles.

This forum is full of cheap men who are too desperate for women. It's not good for me....The demograph hasn't changed in years here. Same kind of men keep joining here. Just painful. Rarely do I come across a matured understanding responsible man here. Before it damages me any further, I have to get out of it.

I'll urgently leave the forum by tomorrow instead of waiting till October 25. It's not worth waiting. So much has happened already and I am feeling the heat of male aggression here. When it's too hot in the kitchen you gotta leave. Last few days have been very stressful anxious and draining. I have taken too much and I don't want the same cycle to repeat. I'm too tired with the constant hounding and speculation about my life. It's a harrowing experience. This place lacks empathy and Genuineness big time. Most people are either hypocritical or just trolling or simply bored. They pick on me. And I'm tired defending and justifying endlessly. I will stick with journaling because this is the only place of my personal peace. I will avoid the forum tomorrow especially after today's fiasco. It caused me multiple panic attacks and just general misery. My crime is being a woman who seems to talk a lot. The males here are hyper hyper aggressive, they don't match my sensitive energy, they are a bit too much for me to take, too harsh, too insensitive, too prick-y for my sensibilities. Just a few days ago, a woman quit and had her account deleted. She complained too. Most women cannot survive here. The dating section is the most brutal. Men over there rip you apart like wolves do to prey. I can't survive the pressure and aggression. It's brutal. These people have zero clue how sensitive and emotional women can be. They are just too ignorant to the point of disgust. I'll only stick to one thread that I opened in the Off Topic section of Robert Greene. That topic has given me some comfort. I wish all men were like Robert Greene - matured and understanding.

I had been struggling with the subject of evil for a really long time and the above post pretty much sums up the solution to a 4 year old question that had been plaguing my mind for so long. And this question was - what was the purpose of evil? Why was I attracted to evil? Why did I always feel like evil had a role to play? Now I know why. Crystal clear. Only from evil, can good begin. Only from suffering, can empathy begin.

I grew up with abuse. I grew up like that. Surrounded by abusers. In a way I learned to trust them.. I guess something similar happened between me and the rapist. Yea it's called Stockholm Syndrome and Stockholm Syndrome is very real. You really begin to trust the person who is abusing you because that's your survival and coping mechanism. That's the only way you know how.. You also get to see a good side of your abuser. You see mercy in their eyes. I saw it. I think when our conscience is challenged with something Humanity is not designed to be fickle. Humanity is designed to be deep. Unless you are totally fucked up by trauma, you wouldn't understand the depth of conscience and as a result you'll always live a shallow life. I think when our conscience is challenged with something , the humanity in the conscience wakes up. I guess something similar (psychologically) is happening with hard core criminals and sociopaths like rapists, kidnappers and murderers. Their conscience is challenged to such levels, that they automatically find mercy in their hearts. They have to. The situation calls for it. I mean you can't be joking and be shallow when someone is losing their life in front of your eyes. The person is forced to show compassion in the situation. They have only two options - either watch the person die or show mercy. Humanity begins in evil. It's the principle of duality. Where there's darkness there will be light.

I have also dealt with criminals because I was studying criminal psychology last year. That taught me a lot about criminals. It also caused me to empathize a lot with criminals. I saw them as real people with real wounds. Real issues. Real struggles. I could pen a letter right now to a criminal in prison and they would reply to me and they could tell me the whole truth. Whatever they would write will be authentic. Normal people are way worse in the sense they have zero empathy. Having zero empathy is not a crime per se but it does more damage than an actual crime. There's an adage that says - for evil to succeed, it takes good people to do nothing. That's how I feel about the world. There are genuinely good people of course. But they are rare.. 90% is just fake, shallow, superficial crappy people. Criminals are good people with bad minds It's not their fault that they were born that way. They didn't sign up for it. But I truly believe that they have a good heart. That if given a chance they can actually do better than normal people. They have greater empathy but it's revealed only in glimpses.

At least a criminal is not trolling me for fuck sake. They are being genuine. It's like if they are genuinely good people then there are genuinely bad people. I guess society is better off having genuine people, good or bad doesn't matter. I can sit right here and have a conversation with a rapist and he will tell me all the truth. Just like I went through trauma, a criminal might have gone through trauma as well. Plus committing a crime is not child's play. Nobody can truly rob a bank if they have no idea how to go about it. Nobody can truly rape if they don't have that power It's like I can never rob a bank.. I would be too scared. It takes a certain courage and machismo to do wrong things too. I admire that part of crime and criminals. They aren't being children. They are being pure stage Red. I have also dealt with criminals because I was studying criminal psychology last year.

I have a certain degree of empathy for rapists. After knowing whatever happened I feel better among criminals. At least they are forthright about what they do

@RickyFitts this is an updated definition from the FBI website.

This guy is fantastic.

This is why men shouldn't have the right to talk about rape. They automatically assume that they know better than a woman.

If I could have one favorite song right now then it's this

Raindrops are kissing my face. Come my prince, take me. Take me to another land. Your land. Your land of fantasy. Serenade me with your music.. Softly caress my face and cheeks. Make me... Ohh..... Yours I want to be contained within you. I want to rest in you. I want to be blessed in you. I want to dream of you. A thousand things. You're the prince of my heart. My heart beats wildly thinking of us together. You're a charmer.

I don't appreciate being on a pedestal in a relationship. I would rather have my man on the pedestal.. He should be my King. The King of my heart. I want to look at him with awe. I want to be guided by him. I want him to lead me. David is that kind of a guy. He is just an acquaintance. But he is the guy I admire. I go back to the dreams of marrying coal miners in 1900s. I go back to my dream of having a home with a hard working blue collar conservative man. Me his wife, him my husband. I want to make pancakes for him. I want to make something special for him every morning. I'm good at cooking by the way. I want to make his morning coffee. I want to cook him lovely dinners. I want to iron his clothes. Button up his shirt. Kiss him on the cheeks when he is about to leave for work. And I want to surrender to him sexually in bed every night. I want the smell of his sweaty clothes. I want to offer him a towel when he comes home and let him clean himself. And then I will give him some fresh clothes touched by my hands. I sometimes want to wear his shirt and feel him hugging me. I would be delighted by the smell of his shirt. He is my Bear. He is my savior, my protector. My guide, my leader. And he is someone I will adore 24/7. I will never be bored of him. I will kiss him every morning.

I yearn to worship a man in my life. Maybe God must have made a man for me. A gentleman. Who will show me love, kindness, guidance and affection. He will fill me up to the brim of my femininity. He will make my womanhood come alive. He will make my lips purse. He will make my cheeks blush. He will make my eyes sparkle. He will make my blood rush. He will fill my womb with the most gentle feelings. With his beautiful semen. He will make sex divine. He will make love to me.. He will kiss me with pure ecstacy. He will kiss me from head to toe. He will make me his. He will own my womanhood. He will make want to belong to him.. I will respect him with all my heart. I am a virgin. I will give my body to him. I will give every ounce of my blood to him Till death do us part, I'll stay with him as his faithful wife. I will give him everything I can I will give him my love.

I'm a very womanly woman and a masculine man would be perfect for me.

You're my ideal man. I like someone like you. You are my hot man. I like hard working men who come home all sweaty. Like my dad used to. I like men who are manly and have a sense of dignity and pride and carry themselves with respect. Rich or poor, ugly or handsome doesn't matter. Just a simple man who wants work, wife and a home. A white picket fence, a church and a stable home life. That's all I ever wanted.. You're the man of my dreams. I salute you. I could have been happy only with you. You were my man.