Buba

What was an obstacle for a proper work? Last year I could not go to work for 5 days, as I had intense anxiety, depression and restlessness. I could not even sit for several seconds. I could not eat. What prevented you from working at that time? What made you move countries? Feeling?

Only after awakening I will know if I am ready or not.

Sometimes I feel spasm on my spine. I move involuntarily. I dont do yoga. Only meditation.

There is a lot of information on this forum, but chaotic, not systematic. If there were one or two techniques needed to do to prepare for kundalini awakening, I would learn and do it, but if it is too complicated I am not sure if I can do it without a teacher.

What can we do in advance to make kundalini awakening smooth? I have never awakened my kundalini, but sometimes I feel heat in my spine.

Very interesting. I have never read something similar. Concepts and terms are different over traditions, schools, people and etc. Your terms and experiences are new to me. Thank you for sharing, it is very valuable for me. I guess all this pain was due to you growing.

My Kundalini is not awakened. But I have experienced Dark Night of the Soul. I did not feel I exist. Life was meaningless and empty. I had severe headaches. Fear, depression, anxiety was severe. Glad you are better now. In Daniel Ingram's map Dark Night of the Soul is followed by Equanimity phase. Can you conform you are in Equanimity now? https://mctb.org/mctb2/table-of-contents/part-iv-insight/30-the-progress-of-insight/11-equanimity/

Did you keep meditating or doing other practices in Dark Night of the Soul?

Welcome to Forum. Daniel Ingram talks about a useful map which describes the phases of spiritual progress. He talks about Arising and Passing Event (which is called Kundalini Awakening by some), after which there is no way back. He says you feel euphoria after this event for some time, but then you enter Dark Night of the Soul. So I guess Dark Night of the Soul is inevitable after Kundalini and there is more than "the potential for things to go wrong", actually it will definitely go wrong or more precisely go right in terms of the map. Because this is what supposed to happen.

Karen Horney said people create idealized image as a defensive strategy. She also talked about Real self. "To compensate for feelings of weakness, worthlessness, and inadequacy, we create, with the aid of our imagination, an idealized image of ourselves that we endow with "unlimited powers and exalted faculties" (Horney, 1950, p. 22). The process of self-idealization must be understood in relation to the interpersonal strategies, since the idealized image is based on our predominant defense and the attributes it exalts. The idealized image of self-effacing people "is a composite of 'lovable' qualities, such as unselfishness, goodness, generosity, humility, saintliness, nobility, sympathy." It also glorifies "helplessness, suffering, and martyrdom" and deep feelings for art, nature, and other human beings (Horney, 1950, p. 222). Arrogant-vindictive people see themselves as invincible masters of all situations. They are smarter, tougher, more realistic than other people and therefore can get the better of them. They take pride in their vigilance, foresight, and planning and feel that nothing can hurt them. The narcissistic person is "the anointed, the man of destiny, the prophet, the great giver, the benefactor of mankind" (Horney, 1950, p. 194). Narcissists see themselves as having unlimited energies and as being capable of great achievements, effortlessly attained. Perfectionists see themselves as models of rectitude whose performance is invariably excellent." http://plaza.ufl.edu/bjparis/ikhs/horney/fadiman/04_major3.html So what is the difference between idealized image and ego? Also is Real self she described the same with spiritual Real self? "Horney came to see the central feature of neurosis as alienation from the real self because of oppressive forces in the environment. The object of therapy is to "restore the individual to himself, to help him regain his spontaneity and find his center of gravity in himself" (Horney, 1939, p. 11). The real self is not a fixed entity but a set of intrinsic potentialities -- including temperament, talents, capacities, and predispositions -- that are part of our genetic makeup and need a favorable environment in which to develop. It is not a product of learning, since one cannot be taught to be oneself; but neither is it impervious to external influence, since it is actualized through interactions with an external world that can provide many paths of development."

He said dont it at home by yourself. I dont know why I was on the verge of crying. But I knew if I cry that would be very good.

Only once in my life a teacher from India instructed us (a group of people) to do something similar to shamanic breathing and said we should not do it by ourselves as it was dangerous. Close to the end of the session I was on the verge of crying. Something wanted to come out and leave my body, but could not. He said the technique was from Bhairav Tantra.

Last year my main OCD theme disappeared and was replaced by Enlightenment OCD. I felt a great discomfort that I am not enlightened and I have to get enlightened as soon as possible to feel relief.

It is great. You gave a very valuable report. How long have you been meditating?

If it was not your ex boyfriend, it would be something else. You better delve into it with psychoanalytic.

Thank you very much. It is hard for me to accept that life is utterly meaningless and my values, family, myself do not exist. And by the way I have never had Kundalini awakening.

Is not depersonalization the objective of meditation? Why are people against it now? How can you not get depersonalized after long period of meditation?

Are they temporary insights?

I started spiritual journey without having any idea that it is a spiritual journey. I had been suffering immensely and after starting to read the book Eckhart Tolle I started to meditate (I sit or lie, close my eyes, observe my breath either through nostrils or abdomen movement). I thought it would improve my psychology and calm my mind. When I hit the Dark Night of the Soul I was very scared. Depersonalization/derealization was hell. I stopped meditation for several months and came back, because my ego life was not a paradise as well. Is it a must to have a teacher? Can I pass through Dark Night of the Soul to the next stages on my own or is it possible that I will not be able to handle the Truth? There is no teacher in my country. Not just a good teacher, there is also no bad teacher. There is no teacher at all in my country. The only practice I do is meditation I mentioned above. I do it almost every day for 30-60 minutes. Spiritual journey is not a joke, so do you recommend me to postpone practicing for now and wait for the moment when I have a teacher? Or do you think it is not that difficult to need a teacher?

Whatever practice you do, you will enter Dark Night.

Do you still practice?

Sorry Mikael, I confused you with someone else. My bad.

In last year’s January I had severe depersonalization, depression, anxiety and etc after 7-8 months of 20 minutes daily meditation. I could not go to work. I could not even talk. I could not eat. I stopped meditation. So how one can survive this for years? Without work, in constant anxiety and etc

Try psychoanalysis. You once wrote you are taking antidepressants. I also feel crap for the same reason. It is the need to satisfy for psychological me. It is more than just sex. It is a desire to have sex with a beautiful woman, so to fit to the popular culture (a real man should have beautiful women and etc), to feel worthy, to have sense of accomplishment, to feel complete, to feel that your life is in order, your time is not wasted and etc.

I wonder if keeping practicing will help to pass through dark moments faster. Why do some people have this period for years and others just for several months?