Buba

Is that emotion I resist is universal or does it have a truth content which is different in everybody and in my case it is my gay side.

Thank you for your responses. When you came back from the trip, did that freedom disappear? Does feminine side implies homosexual side in a man?

This fear first time appeared after months of meditation, that is why I posted it in Meditation subforum.

All countries are same (hypocrite, cruel, sordid and etc). If Iran or any other country was as powerful as USA, they would act worse. Iran assassinated an atheist writer in my country for his anti-Islam article. My country is much weaker than Iran, so we did not react. USA assassinated Iranian general. Iran is much weaker than USA and will not react. There was an Iraqi guy studying at Glasgow Caledonian University. I did not know him personally, but we had common friends and they always said good things about him. 3 years after I came back to my country from UK, I heard he was killed in Iraq along with his father and other men. The reason for his murder was because he was sunni. The killers were shia militia which was also supported by Gasem Soleimani. This is just one fact what Iran is and Gasem Soleimani was doing in the region.

I relate to some of you, but my biggest fear is embarrassment. I am really scared of getting embarrassed in front of people and I plan everything to avoid it. I am very very afraid of getting embarrassed especially in front of people who hate me.

Why?

When my mother’s grandmother was praying (salah) I would always climb on her, especially when she was prostrating. I would wait for time when she prostrates and jump on her. She would say “Allahu Akbar” very loud, so people now I am in the room, bothering her. And they would come and take me ? You can meditate at night lying in your bed.

Good job. I smoked weed for 5 years (October 2011-April 2017) and liked it very much. I always had stronger high than my friends, although I always had less puffs than them. I was super creative and relaxed. So much that even other people were mentioning “hey you are genius”. But the discoveries I made during the high had no effect when I was sober. That is why I dont understand people why they do psychedelics to progress in spiritual journey. I only knew the discoveries at intellectual level when I was sober, I did not feel them, did not “see” them. As soon as I was sober I was back to shit. But eventually weed stopped making me relaxed and happy, and just gave me paranoia, dysphoria and other negative feelings (I had several psychological crisis, some of which I cant explain with language). After several tries and feeling horrible each time I stopped weed completely. Alcohol also was making me feel horrible so I also quitted alcohol. I have been completely sober for 2 years now. What has changed in me? In terms of feelings, I feel the same shit ?. But in terms of discipline there is improvement.

This concentration stuff reminds me my childhood. I was in a peaceful, blissful state. I was inclining my mind on positive and entering bliss. I had total trust in the existence. I was not comparing myself to anybody. Life was a miracle for me.

Thank you Arda very much. But how is it possible? I have deep rooted beliefs which make me suffer. That is why I was doing vipassana to uproot them. Even on cocaine I could see those beliefs torturing me, despite the euphoria induced by the drug. How can janas make me happy then? And dont too much concentration practices hinder insight practices?

I have a strong embarrassment fear. I am so scared to be embarrassed in front of other people. Can this book help me overcome this issue?

That is what has been torturing me for 13 years. I thought I was the only one like this. I felt incomplete, loser, fail. But still my case is more absurd one. I always wanted to feel contentment and complete. If even enlightened ones can feel incomplete, then I am doomed to live this hell. The thing is I did not feel like this until 2006. I was happy and complete although I occasionally felt anger, hatred, sadness, fear and etc. However overall in the background everything was ok. I did not have a feeling "I have to do something". But then after that incident in 2006 put me in hell, where I have a constant feeling that I have a mission. I have been in a constant unease for 13 years. I tried everything and this meditation was my last hope.

I have read that book, but I dont remember any practical advice, aside “dont bleedthrough and hurt other people”.

Hi, I have experienced same situation roughly 2 years ago. But I doubt it was induced by Leo’s videos. Sooner or later main effects of meditation hit. In my case I did not feel I exist. I also did not feel outer world was real. My father held my arm and said “see I am real”. But I said that also might be staged. Like Truman Show, everything could be staged. I felt utter meanignlessness and emptiness. I felt impernance in everything. That was pure hell. And also I was in denial. I was trying hard to prove to myself that this enlightenment work is not normal, it is harmful. We exist and enlightenment is psychological disorder. I was seing around through a tunnel. As no success was achieved by me, I felt tremendous ugly meaninglessness. So I stopped meditation. After several months everything had returned back. I did not meditate for 5 months. But as I was still suffering (I had been suffering for a long time before starting meditation), I restarted meditation. Now I sometimes get slight depersonalization, fear, anxiety, meaninglessness and etc. I am waiting for that hell to happen again. I hope this time I will not step back.

Good luck. How long have you been meditating so far?

Tell me please, what is absent in my perspective: European people worked hard, studied hard, created organized, neat, safe places, societies and they developed. Middle Eastern people (my people as well) did not want to educate themselves, obeyed dictators, did not want to take responsibility to change their society and country for better, did not make effort, saw corruption, nepotism, tribalism as a normal thing and when their country collapsed as expected, they fled to Europe and did not change even there, disturbed local people with their ill mindset. My country is an oil rich country where the vast majority of people live under poverty, because one family rules it since 1993. One family and their team have hundred billion dollars in their off shore accounts. They kill people whenever they want. There is no quality in medicine, security, education and etc. The country is on the edge of collapse. Why? Because people don’t protest. If a robber pulls a knife and asks my money, I will give this money, but if I have a gun why should I give money? So we are 10 million, they are just one family. Why should we let them torture us? This is the ridiculous level of cowardice, laziness and irresponsibility. When I ask my fellows why don’t you go to protests, why don’t you try to make your country better. They say they will flee to Germany, Canada or somewhere else. Europe harms our countries by allowing refugees in. If they did not let those people in, our people would know that the only way to live in a good country is to make your own country a better place. But now they have an easier option – to flee to Europe. If I was European, I would hate refugees. Especially the ones who come from a country where there is no war. And I have never seen a refugee in my life who respects the host country, let alone loves it. They don’t think Europe is humanist and kind, they think Europe is stupid and they want to use it. You cannot neglect the reality. Refugees cause a problem. When I studied in England, a Turkish man who had been living in England for more than 20 years said that the initial years of his time in England were times when local people were very friendly towards immigrants. He said that wherever he went, English people would like to talk to him, offer drink and etc, because he was from a foreign country. But as the number of immigrants rose, English people’s attitude change. They started to dislike immigrants. He said not only the number of immigrants grew, but they also got involved in criminal, looked for trouble, harassed local girls and the like.

My niece is 4 years old and her behaviour concerns me. She is very fake, aggressive and weird. She is not like a year ago, when she was curious, authentic and lovely. My sister is very aggressive and has been scolding her daughter since her very first days. Me and my sister were scolded and beaten a lot by our mother when were a child. I was also harsh against her. So my niece fakes laughing, crying, playing - everything. She meets me with a fake look as if she is an actress. I try to talk to her. She does not like talking normally, only games. We talked twice and in each time she said she is a bad girl, a shit, and idiot. I said no, you are not, why do you think so? She said an old man said it when I was small. In our first conversation she said an old man, she said I can draw his picture, but he drew a woman and said actually not an old man but an old woman said all these things. And in our second conversation she said an old woman said she is shit, idiot, bad. Even when I am writing this I feel so bad I want to cry. It breaks my heart. I dont want her to suffer like me. I have never seen a child like her, she looks like possessed. As if it is not her talking, moving. She is so addicted to stimuli, she does not sit still. She wants either chocolate or cartoon or playing or something else. Also she hits her 10-months-old little sister. She would actually kill her if we were not nearby. I asked dont you love your sister, she said she does. I said why do you then hit her, she said because she likes it. Her behaviour gets worse and it worsens my sister's attitude towards her, and my sister's attitude worsens my niece's state, so there is a vicious cycle. She is just 4 years old. I think it is not too late, we can fix it. But I dont know how. My sister will take her to psychotherapist, but I dont trust them. They never could help me. What is going on with her? What can be done to heal her?

Thank you very much, for your responses. I love my sister and my niece very much. Unfortunately I cannot advise her to meditate to heal. I myself dont know if I will be able to digest the Truth, to accept it. As Leo said this path is not for everyone. Some people's state can even deteriorate after meditation. I am afraid she will get even worse after meditation. So that is why I am looking for other ways to heal (like psychoanalysis).

It is not normal, but most of people consider it normal and in countries like mine, government does not interfere in scolding a child. Unless a child is severely harmed, government does not interfere. And even if they interfered and took the child from the family there would not be someone to take care of a child better than parents. I googled rice experiment, I doubt it will work. She says "I have anger and anxiety issues, but I am not ready to go to my childhood. It is very terrifying for me to go to my childhood and face those moments again." She said she would take her daughter to psychotherapist and change her attitude for better towards her daughter. She was very nice to her daughter during the day but at night my niece did not want to sleep, she got angry again and started to scold her. She also asked me not discuss this topic anymore, as this irritates her even more. She said she does not want to feel guilty or panic that something bad will happen to her daughter. She, also my parents say that I exaggerate my niece's state and overall situation. Meditation may help, but until it starts to help, you go through the hell, which I doubt my sister will handle.

She admits it is beyond her control and accuses our mother for ruining her psychology in childhood. Sometimes we have a nice talk on the child’s issue, sometimes she gets defensive. I myself struggle with anger and sometimes feel an immense hatred towards my sister for her attitude to her daughter. I try to control my anger and talk to my sister nicely. I can yell, insult her or beat her or kill her. Will it change my niece’s state for better? No. Nobody will take care of my niece better than her parents. I guess the only possible solution is to persuade her to change her attitude, to drop her false beliefs regarding how to raise a child. May be a psychotherapist can persuade her. But what is the chance to meet a good psychotherapist. “Almost all people yell and insult their children, is not it normal” she would think. I don’t have any tips how to raise a child, I just play with my niece and don’t know what to do when she behaves recklessly. I just show great patience. But other people don’t (my sister, our parents, her husband, her husband’s parents). She would not like to talk to a random person, unfortunately. I would like to know if there are any good books addressing these issues, like anger, raising a child without hurting her and etc? I do not recommend meditation to her or anyone, because I do not think everybody can handle Dark Night of the Soul or other dark sides of meditation. Also I feel like I failed as an uncle. I feel like I can do more, but I don’t do because I am afraid and lazy. I feel like a piece of shit. I think about this issue every time. I feel stuck. I cannot solve it with force (to force my sister to act nicely or to take my niece from her).

She says "I am shit, I am a bad girl, I am idiot" and smiles, sometimes laughs. I once said "why do you say I am shit", she said "because shit is joyful".

There are some things I should mention: 1. They don’t hurt her every time, just when she “misbehaves” she gets scolded. 2. They are showing her love other times. 3. If the child is taken from them, nobody will take care of her better than her parents – nor government, nor grandparents, nor other relatives. I want to understand what is going on precisely in terms of psychological issues and how to heal it on time. Is there a framework of behavior to be applied towards the child? I know her parents did it, but I cannot accuse them directly. I have also done many mistakes in my life (including hurting my sister a lot) and I know being accused does not work, it actually backfires. So when I talk to my sister I try to be objective and not judge. I explained her the situation and that it is not fine, but I am not able to give tips what to do when the child “misbehaves”. She agreed sometimes she loses control and feels guilty and knows it is not normal, but also she still has some false beliefs regarding how to raise a child.

I did not have a lot of pictures in my computer and did want to upload a picture from internet. I bought it from Amsterdam and find it funny.

What would you do if your child did not listen to you?

Actually my sister and her husband are not always aggressive towards her. Generally, they ask her not to do (or to do) something and she refuses, then they repeat their order and she refuses, even sometimes ignores them, then they get aggressive, scream, scold her, sometimes gently hit her. In other times they are very friendly to their daughter, they care her, take to walks, buy toys, show their love and etc. I talked to my sister about this issue, but did not want to directly accuse her in her daughter’s state. Because I know how hard it is for her, I know how inpatient we people be, my niece can drive crazy almost everyone, she really does not listen. But I talked to my sister and said that our aggression to her daughter resulted in her being aggressive and etc. My sister became sad and felt guilty. She said I know, I want to control myself but I cannot, I turn into beast mode. But I noticed it is not just unconscious behavior. She also has beliefs that child should be punished for misbehavior. She believes it works. I said it has not worked yet as you see, she said because she was not consistent in punishment. I cant persuade her, because when she says ok, what should I do then when she does not listen, I don’t know what to say. I don’t have any tips how to raise a child. I really do not know how could it be done otherwise.