Buba

I dont care Truth. Because when I cared it at age of 13, I experienced horrible existential crisis, which turned my world upside down. 1.5 year ago I started this path after reading Tolle's "The Power of Now" to bring joy to my life, as a result same thing from my age of 13 happened. Now I suffer more. I dont want Truth. I want happiness, bliss. Let's ask a question. How not to shit pant in this path?

I started this path to end my suffering. As a result my suffering skyrocketed.

I did not do meditation for weeks and just tried to be in the now whenever I remembered and I got headache, dizziness, pain in the stomach, anxiety, fear, dark night of the soul - the symptoms experienced by daily meditators..

Headache, dizziness, nausea, fear, burning sensations.

I thought that everybody finds bliss after years of meditation, no matter achieves enlightenment or not.

I have seen people online who have been seeking for more than 10 years and have not attained enlightenment, but are happy and it does not bother them.

I have been suffering from mental pain for years, so last year I decided to meditate to recover myself. I did not know what enlightenment, ego, spirituality were. I meditated for just 20 minutes per day. After 5 months booommm!!! Immense depression, depersonalizaton, derealization, fear, anxiety, confusion. Even my psychotherapists for years, were shocked (life is illusion, I dont feel like I exist and etc). O stopped meditation and after months I got much better, but as my ego life was not that good, I restarted this path with hope that if I go slowly, I will adapt to these new confusing things like non-duality. But it did not go like that. Even despite my slow progress I had a glimpse of enlightenment for seconds, where I got scared and desperately tried to bring me to myself. Moreover, I did not get used to depersonalization. I miss myself so much. It is not a path for people, who seek bliss. It is a path for people who just want to see the Truth. It is not a recovery for mental illness, like depression. For this path: You have to be very brave. You have to denounce everything in your life, including your family. You have to be ready for anything, including being stuck in eternal hell.

Nice fable, I have heard something similar. I read reports on internet where people claimed that they had been experiencing dark night of the soul for years. It is so energy consuming and disabling, I wondered how people functioned in such a state.

Do you do meditation or other practices?

But how do you go to work in dark night of the soul?

After starting to meditate I begin to get deja vus very frequently. I also get memory loss. Sometimes I cant remember "who said this", "whom I was with at that day", "where I was" and etc. So until enlightenment I will suffer.

Thank you very much. I thought this path was to train your brain to be able to live in uncertainty and not to seek answers. Even in Dark Night I try not go after thoughts and settle in the moment as an observer. My biggest fear is embarrassment. I am afraid I will lose control and look weak and weird in front of people, who know me. Yes, Antidepressant and Lithium. It does not become physical pain, but it sometimes gets accompanied by physical pain, especially headaches.

Yes I resisted because I had read horrible reports of people who ended up mentally crippled in this path, so I could not surrender. I have been suffering from OCD and mild depression for more than 10 years and last year started to meditate and be mindful in daily life to cure myself. But as you said what I wished, but what I got. So it seems, meditation does not cure depression, it takes you beyond the existence of depression. Actually it takes you where there is no existence and non-existence. I am unhappy, but I still like my ego. I like being a doer. Some part of me wants to continue, some part wants to stop. I also recite "la ilahe illallah" to calm myself, although I am an atheist.

I am so surprised people say, Enlightenment is bliss. It is actually horror. Yesterday at night in my bed I had glimpse of it. I try to be in the now and in a relaxed state. It produces anxiety, nausea and sometimes even involuntary convulsions of my body. Yesterday at night I relaxed in my bed and settled in the now. My body convulsed several times and I dry heaved. Then after some minutes I saw that I am a screen, not a person. It shattered my vision about life. Everything lost its value. It was terrible. I held my life with my two hands tightly, so it did not disappear completely. I was very scared and depressed. I wanted to think about future to make myself motivated, but I could not. There was only now. I saw that future does not exist. I could not sleep, but finally I fell asleep. Now I am back to normal. I dont know if I should stop meditation or not. I am definitely not ready for the Truth.

I have experienced the same after 5 months of 20 minutes meditation. I got so scared. Stopped meditation. But returned to meditation after 5 months. Because I developed a little bit trust still get scared though

Do you take tranquilizators (benzodiazepines) for insomnia or anxiety? Being in the now and mindful brings a lot of trash.

İ love you, Cetus.

Yes, I want to be flexible, to see spiritual path as a dance. Yesterday I said to myself I trust in God, Existence and my fear decreased, but I had to say it every time again when fear increased. I dont trust in meditation, spiritual path 100% because of these reports :) Okey. Lets see what will happen : ))) I have read this book. Actually this book brought me to the spiritual path.

Cant I make this facing less painful? I have read news about people committing suicide or becoming mentally crippled after meditation retreats, so I avoid extreme in meditation and facing fears. Sometimes I stop.

By the way, do you think antidepressants can help or worsen dark nights or spiritual path general? Nor me. I just meditated very little and did self-inquiry for 3-5 seconds , actually I did not do self-inquiry on purpose, it just happened.

Guys, is not meditation a workout for the brain and dark night is like a muscle pain after workout? By the way, you are very brave if you are ready to experience this (may be you have experienced this before). I would never like to experience anything like this.

When I cant function I cant go to work. It threatens my physical existence as well, not just psychological one. I have a great fear of embarrassment and letting my parents down. Aside that, meditation induced fear is automatic and no thought scares me at that moment, just unknown fear which makes me shake. It is a real horror.

When I face it and embrace it, it gets stronger and I cannot function then.

I will keep meditating every day. I am not ready for self-inquiry. Thank you very much, dear friend, your advice is very valuable. There is no good psychotherapist in my country. And also there is no spiritual guru in my country. This forum is my only asylum.

I want, but I am scared. I want to find a moderate way, step by step, to avoid dark nights, which prevent my functioning..