Phill

Hey guys I have been thinking about this, the subject of, why I don't do what I have to do? I did some contemplation on that, and on my own perception, which might be missing a few or a lot is that: 1) I am addicted, hooked to something 2) I cannot control my urges, that leads me to little self control 3) The addictions/habits desires are bigger than the proposed goals desires 4) What I think I want to do, isn't really what I really want to do (lack of self knowledge) Does any one knows any strategies to deal with these 4 specifically? Any of Leo's videos that explains something about that? Overall I am just trying to discover how to develop discipline, I feel that mine is very weak and I don't do the action often times. Any ideas on how to? Thanks!

Hey @jjer94 can you elaborate this: "Sometimes, actively seeking verbal advice/validation from others is a defense mechanism and only digs you deeper into despair." ? Thank you!

Hey guys, in the last entire year I dedicated to watch/listen to Leo every single day, some of them I have heard like 3-5 times because it's so much depth. Many times in the past I tried to meditate, and what happen is, in the past, I used to meditate 10 minutes only, and everytime I tried meditating, that would trigger a depersonalization in me, I had that in the past, before meditating, because I suffer from severe anxiety, so I would always take a break from it immediately, and then I would have to go through this 1-2 months phase of pure anxiety and angryness until it dissipated. Some of them were so bad that I thought to not meditate because this is really really killing my ability to self actualize it feels, it's like, it triggers all my anxiety, all my anger, all my sadness, I am just not accepting reality as it is like I WAS before I started meditating, I was so much more calm before I start to meditate. Last week I decided to take a try on it again, because Leo mentions it a lot of it's benefits and how important it is, I do actually feel a big big peace when I do meditate. But the after effects is my issue here, not while I meditate. I started meditating 15mins, in the last 3 days I did that, and man I am feeling anxious, angry, I am irritated, getting cold chills in my body followed up by sweating it's really getting out of my control right now I feel, and I am just accepting it as best as I can, not fighting against but letting it be. Some parts of the day I feel fine, almost like before, but then it comes again this huge wave of mixed up feelings... On the video "The Dark Side of meditation" Leo explains about that, so it's no surprise for me. What bothers me is that, this is really hurting my relationships with people and in my job and also it's decreasing my willpower, discipline you know, this anxiety and anger is really taking my willpower away, I just don't know what else to do anymore, everytime I tried meditating this happend, it seems that meditation was causing this to me because it would be too much coincidence, and I have being observing my self a lot, journaling, studying, taking notes of what Leo says, accepting what is, dropping beliefs, taking responsability etc etc etc. Anyone having the same experience? Any tips? Maybe I am not seeing something here? Should I stop or keep meditating? I am feeling suffocated, sorry if I made this sound like a drama, I just want to figure out what's going on, until there, I will just accept and push through it. Thanks in advance!

Hey Nahm, thanks for your answer! Like, I don't have any strong emotions from the past, or at least I am not conscious about it, I just mentioned things from the past just to inform, but I do not think it's my real issue here, at least it doesn't feel like that, today I fully accepted so many things, like I said, it became very clear to me @Nahm that everytime I started meditating this would happen, funny enough that anxiety and angryness is already dissipating in a faster pace than before, so that's good news!

Wow that kind of resonates with me, when I was young, 17 years old, friends and me had jelly in the head and started using thinner solvent as a drug, since I was young and dumb, gone with them, after 3 days using it, we decided to stop, but the effect would come back after a couple of hours only in me, but all my friends were fine they said, since everyone was fine but I wasn't, I had a panic attack and create a extremely rigid belief that, I had caused irreparable brain damage in myself, it took me around 3 years to finally surrender and let that belief go. So I was exactly like you, in a huge anxiety and fear, couldn't even go out of my room basically, couldn't eat, I was psychologically wrecked. Toughest time in my life, mental trap!

Hey ADD! Eventually that sadness dissipated with more and more meditation? How you feeling now? How long did your depression/anxiety lasted?

Hey Faceless, thanks for replying, I didn't understand: "If we are mechanicaly drawn to this state we get caught in a movement of chasing that last experience. " "Real meditation is to have a religious mind. All day every day. To be attentive of innatention, not to spend an hour or two in concentration. " "The center in “becoming” is the cause to these side effects "

Hey @Faceless I just didn't manage to grasp what you meant, can you elaborate?

Hey @nightrider1435 that's a great option, but would I have the same benefits of meditation? I go jogging for 40-60 minute almost every day, I am not aware of yoga yet, but I will definitely give it up a try, thank you so much!

Hey @Nahm I do not use any drugs, and I barely drink, even though I have used both in the past, after a while I noticed they were causing much more harm, than actually helping me. Past Trauma might be definitely a reason, I was extremely sensitive when young and in my teens, when I reached my 16 years old I couldn't anymore handle living life how people are told to do, I drop out from school, didn't had a job, my anxiety was so bad I couldn't do anything, luckily I had family to support me through that time, I also was born in the worst of the worst times of my parents lives, my father company went bankrupt, we had no money to pay the bills, then I was born, 1 year later the situation got so bad, parents broke up, mom was left alone to take care of me and my brother and sister (which needs special attention, she's deaf), she manage to raise us working part time and contracting a baby sitter to take care of us. My father is an alcoholic, he has been living alone since he broke up with Mom, by the way I am 29 years old right now. After I started meditating, for some reason, I started thinking a lot about my past, my parents, life, death, my purpose, I think it goes along with all this self actualize thing right. I meditate because I did research on meditation benefits and how it alters your brain for the better, Leo also reinforced that, saw also the study on Harvard University on meditation, so I started giving it a try, once again. Even being happy, meditation was just a technique/tool that I wanted to explore and see how much that can help me, because I am in search for more self awareness, calming my mind because my anxiety isn't perfect, I still get anxiety attacks sometimes, and also to develop more self discipline, I am just very very curious on this self development thing, and how I can become better, every single day.