Joyous

I think you need to see you're friends for who they truly are/believe they are. then make a decision. if you hanging around a funny guy for example. but he's negative condescending and judgmental. then you'll either accept it or fight it..

So, I been on my self actualized journey for what feels like my entire life just without it being fully known to me. A bizarre sense of presence that would freak me out when i was younger would cause "anxiety" attacks and i would run to find my mum and continue the freak out which felt very real. that sparked the beginning of me always internally questioning why i felt a certain way based on the profoundness of how real this sense of being watched or presence felt. mixed it with not knowing what to believe when i was young as i wanted to embrace religion... but something just knew it wasnt truth. fast forward to early teens and the "panic attacks" disappeared and everyone always knew me to have a very normal and out going lifestyle. only my mother knew of the anxiety for quite sometime. So i lived a normal life from 15-28 but always with the internal questioning of why things are the way they are and working things out for myself. Turns out i was becoming depressed as most people do at some point when i stumbled across self actualization. at the start (only 1.5years) of my discovery of the self actualized videos it seemed perfect to my core that these were truths. that the mind is in control of the way we perceive reality. I started meditation and cleaning up the toxic shit in my life. and once out of the actual depression, the other rewards began to flood in. in the sense that i would meditate and have some overwhelming internal shaking with excitement as i got fixated or focused and that would carry on a nice aura into the following days, As you can tell i got hooked as was getting such a good quality of life from it. started branching out to more videos like Mooji, and also quantum explanations for how crazy all this shit that we perceive as reality. I've always had a thirst for knowledge and truths. i feel like thats my calling is to just understand shit so i fully embraced the notion then one night.. i smoked some weed with my gf which was regular thing... (thinking now in hindsight that this was probably not helping) and entered like a meditative awareness. experiencing huge joys almost crying watching this whale video... like putting myself in the mind of the whale and feeling immense love that the documentary was displaying about the Whale... yes sounds crazy but it seemed so real to me and i kept making all these beautifull connections with everything in that moment. to a point it felt i was understanding truths after truths.. it got so intense that i started trying to express it in words to my gf.. she was looking back at me with love and was almost crying at the things i was conveying... then it dawned on my that i sounded crazy.. and a cloud of Anxiety swept over that i felt trapped in for the longest period ive ever encounted. from meere seconds as a child.. to 20-30-40mins (not sure how long but felt like forever) the next day i woke up (TODAY) and its hard to get back to the feeling of how things were as my gf layed witness to an epic meltdown. but today i feel like i need to be truer to myself.. or like smoking and constant mcdonalds and shitty lose ends in my life i havent rectified... just been chasing these uforic feelings.. which now im terrified to pursue again.. any help.. suggestions... insights?? anyone? or am i doomed to be "crazy"

So, I been on my self actualized journey for what feels like my entire life just without it being fully known to me. A bizarre sense of presence that would freak me out when i was younger would cause "anxiety" attacks and i would run to find my mum and continue the freak out which felt very real. that sparked the beginning of me always internally questioning why i felt a certain way based on the profoundness of how real this sense of being watched or presence felt. mixed it with not knowing what to believe when i was young as i wanted to embrace religion... but something just knew it wasnt truth. fast forward to early teens and the "panic attacks" disappeared and everyone always knew me to have a very normal and out going lifestyle. only my mother knew of the anxiety for quite sometime. So i lived a normal life from 15-28 but always with the internal questioning of why things are the way they are and working things out for myself. Turns out i was becoming depressed as most people do at some point when i stumbled across self actualization. at the start (only 1.5years) of my discovery of the self actualized videos it seemed perfect to my core that these were truths. that the mind is in control of the way we perceive reality. I started meditation and cleaning up the toxic shit in my life. and once out of the actual depression, the other rewards began to flood in. in the sense that i would meditate and have some overwhelming internal shaking with excitement as i got fixated or focused and that would carry on a nice aura into the following days, As you can tell i got hooked as was getting such a good quality of life from it. started branching out to more videos like Mooji, and also quantum explanations for how crazy all this shit that we perceive as reality. I've always had a thirst for knowledge and truths. i feel like thats my calling is to just understand shit so i fully embraced the notion then one night.. i smoked some weed with my gf which was regular thing... (thinking now in hindsight that this was probably not helping) and entered like a meditative awareness. experiencing huge joys almost crying watching this whale video... like putting myself in the mind of the whale and feeling immense love that the documentary was displaying about the Whale... yes sounds crazy but it seemed so real to me and i kept making all these beautifull connections with everything in that moment. to a point it felt i was understanding truths after truths.. it got so intense that i started trying to express it in words to my gf.. she was looking back at me with love and was almost crying at the things i was conveying... then it dawned on my that i sounded crazy.. and a cloud of Anxiety swept over that i felt trapped in for the longest period ive ever encounted. from meere seconds as a child.. to 20-30-40mins (not sure how long but felt like forever) the next day i woke up (TODAY) and its hard to get back to the feeling of how things were as my gf layed witness to an epic meltdown. but today i feel like i need to be truer to myself.. or like smoking and constant mcdonalds and shitty lose ends in my life i havent rectified... just been chasing these uforic feelings.. which now im terrified to pursue again.. any help.. suggestions... insights?? anyone? or am i doomed to be "crazy"

You just made my year!

Hello all, so at the moment my mind is plagued and I'm quite new to the self help scene but have always been well aware of the toxic direction the general public appears to be relentlessly flying into. I started lifting weights at 18 and am now 29, I was a bricklayer then to the Army where I was medically discharged for torn spring ligaments, I been living off an average medical pension whilst trying to find my passion in life for past 3 years. I have never stopped bodybuilding since 18 and decided to jump into it completely after not being able to return to previous jobs or pursue desire to be in the special forces. Which now I wouldn't want to do anyway given my current world perspective. I decided to do a bodybuilding show 2 years ago and for the first time in my life I couldn't wait to get up in the mornings and start the day. Given the nature of the sport with the drugs I have always been responsible but now a part of me is questioning will it effect me mentally. I don't believe it does but here I am depressed and lacking belief in myself. I have been committed as of late to moving out away from unmotivated friends and fear living alone even though that was not an issue in the past. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I have a genuine passion to help other obtain fitness goals and to steer young people in the right direction, understanding that it's a journey not a destination. Could this be my life goal or am I fooling myself.