Emerald

A bit biased there, aren't you? Both are extracting value from the other without having emotions for the party they're extracting from. And at least the OF model is providing the desired outcome to the person they're extracting from... as that person has gone looking on OnlyFans and knows what they want and what they're getting exactly when they put in their card info. You just might not want to see that you're under the chopping block of your own judgment.

This seems to have touched a nerve for you that is more personalized than it is. To me, it seems pretty evident that someone who's on OnlyFans wouldn't really care too much about their audience. When you're an attractive woman who gets a lot of sexual attention from men, you experience many men trying to use you for status and pleasure. I experienced this frequently just existing when I was in my early 20s and was proximal to the beauty standard. And it did create a kind of contempt at that sort of treatment because so many people behaved vampirically towards me. And I can only imagine that someone who's a popular OnlyFans model (or sex worker in general) would probably feel very negatively towards the audience... because the audience is being objectifying, and she probably experiences objectification pretty often just being a young attractive woman. So, it's not surprising to me that OF models would feel some contempt towards her patrons as they're only valuing her as a source of sexual gratification. So, she probably feels equally okay with using the people who see her as a source of sexual gratification as purely a digit in her bank account. In my mind, that's fair enough given the transactional nature of that industry. People get back what they give out.

Yes, sorry for the late reply. It does seem like the pattern that you mentioned could be coming from that pattern of not being attuned to or paid attention to. When we have a chronically unmet need like there, there tends to be a part of ourselves that is CONSTANTLY trying to get that need met... even if we are objectively getting that need met in the present tense. And that's because we build protection strategies to keep ourselves from being fully aware of the pain/vulnerability associated with that unmet need. So, it blocks us from truly receiving that need. So, it could present itself as an insatiable need for validation and attention that can take many different forms (especially if we block off more direct forms of attention seeking or validation seeking). For example, I had a lot of judgments as a teenager towards attention seekers. But when I was 20, in my second medicine journey, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was always seeking attention because of unmet needs for it... and feelings of insignificance and lack of importance. But I hadn't realized that I was seeking attention because I was doing so with hard work and acheivement... and qualities that people generally smile upon. But I would judge people who would act out and show emotions as weak, annoying, etc. for seeking attention. And I had a deep secret contempt for that kind of behavior. But when I realized that I was always seeking attention, I decided to be more direct with that needs and later found better ways to communicate it and to feel significant just because I exist... and not because I achieved something. So, my recommendation is to fully embrace the attention seeking part of yourself and seeking to love and understand it at the deepest level you can without any kind of judgment. Recognize the wisdom inherent in your attention seeking and what it's communicating to you about your traumas, needs, and subjective experience.

The political dynamics happening right now are rooted in very deep collective emotional and psychological dynamics. This has all grown out of collective traumas and the subsequent disconnection with the Earth, other people, and the universe at large. So, it is not a surprise that these feelings might be creeping in... as they've been rising in the collective consciousness for nearly a decade. And now it's just the dawning of this awareness for you... a little late to avert a Trump presidency though. And you're now feeling that dark heavy feeling that many of us have been feeling since 2015. But because you did not become aware of it before, it may feel new and have guilt associated with it because of the actions you took before this awareness bloomed for you. You may have thought it to be no big deal and that you wouldn't be impacted by it. Really Trump and all the people around him and the entire dynamic going on is laying bare a collective Shadow that more and more people are waking up to. And I believe that this dynamic couldn't be helped because it's just that time. It will be a bitter medicine. My recommendation is to tune very deeply into those feelings that you're feeling right now, because it is not just your feeling.

Did you ever feel like you had to stand out in some way to get your parents' approval or attention? One possible reason is that there's a part of you that's still operating off of a belief that you must differentiate yourself and "niche market" yourself to others to get them to notice. Does this resonate with you or not so much?

I hope the guardrails of our institutions hold because they are being stress-tested right now. But I see it as a nonzero chance of an authoritarian takeover from these tech billionaires... which even if it's a 1% chance, it's too much. And my most recent medicine journey makes me concerned that it will come to fruition. It was showing me the macrocosmic service that dictatorship/authoritarianism serves in the collective evolution of humanity. And I really understood it in that experience that, despite its problems, dictatorship and authoritarianism was imposing limits on people that they unconsciously desire. It's like a child that wants total freedom... but desperately needs a parent to come in and impose limits. And my experience was about choosing and desiring limitation despite a strong curiosity drive to seek unlimited knowing that has been present for me since I was a small child. I had to keep affirming over and over "I'm choosing to be limited!" to create a barrier between my finite human consciousness and the consciousness of God. It was like having to cut my consciousness away from the infinite, and it was a really painful labor-like process. So now, I'm concerned that my journey is a reflection of a collective desire (including my individual desire) for limitation... and that the call is being answered by these top-down authoritarian dynamics. And now that there are these tech people who aspire towards authoritarian power taking big steps towards that end, I can't help but wonder if my journey was showing me a premonition of what is to come and insights to help me understand and accept why dictatorship is necessary for humanity at this time. That is my fear. And I know I won't accept the limitation I asked for if it comes in that form.

What's important to understand is that coming into alignment with unconditional love means accepting, loving, and holding space for all pairs of opposites. When it comes to Truth... it includes both truth and illusion, which are the Yang and Yin of Truth. And so, if we reject illusion, it actually takes us further away from Truth because we're being dualistic and rejecting the wholeness of these two sides of the coin. And it keeps us down in the lower expressions of both poles. I find that people who polarize into truth-seeking and attempting to transcend the human smallness often just repress these parts of themselves... creating a sharp split within themselves. And their Shadow leads them into lower expressions of the illusion like hedonism, pettiness, smallness, and other negative expressions of the illusion. So, it's counter-intuitive... but if you want to come into alignment with Truth... embrace the illusion fully.

It's not paranoia. Though I understand that it might be a more comforting notion that I'm just being paranoid. I've been correct about the rise in Fascism since 2015... and I'm correct about the situation with these tech billionaires now. Do you not know that Elon Musk and a sizable percentage of tech billionaires are trying to actively undermine democracy? My recommendation is to look into Curtis Yarvin, Peter Thiel, Elon Musk, and others in the tech space that want to upend the current social order and replace it with corporate fiefdoms. It's pretty clear that that's what they're attempting... and they've said as much. So, it's not paranoia to point out something that's (at the very least) being openly attempted by Elon Musk. I don't know if they will succeed, but my medicine journey from last March makes me think that they will. And if I didn't see a direct correlation to the current situation with Elon Musk, I wouldn't be making that connection with my medicine journey. At first, I thought it might be reflective of someone like Putin that it would be more reflective of... since the figure looked more like Putin than like Musk. 10 months ago when I had that journey, I just thought it was making a point about limitation and the general function of dictatorship in the collective... and why dictatorship happens. It was just another insight in my journey. But as more and more dictatorial dynamics are arising from tech billionaires, it makes me ponder if the medicine journey was showing me a sign of something to come in order to help me understand why these collective dynamics arise.

I'm definitely worried about it. And I've been worried about Fascism since around 2015... though I didn't think it would go exactly this way. I thought it would be more like old school Nazis... and there are elements of that. The plan from these tech billionaires is to create little corporate fiefdoms where there is an oligarch ruling as king/dictator over a patch of different territories. And it would be this Big Brother-esque kind of situation where everyone in that territory is under the control of that oligarch. The idea that they (Elon Musk, Peter Thiel, Curtis Yarvin, etc.) hold is that democracy has failed and that corporate dictatorship is necessary. Like, if Stage Blue Fascism was Nazis... Stage Orange Fascism is this kind of hegemonic corporatist oligarchy dictatorship. And it's really clear to me the Elon is seeing the Trump presidency as a way to erode the American system enough to become the dictator. He's also trying to do it with other governments. I suspect his goal is to be dictator to all of humanity. In my most recent Ayahuasca journey, the medicine showed me this image that was a neon contour line drawing on a black background... that looked like a mixture between Elon Musk and Vladimir Putin very large standing in front of a neon contour line drawing of the United States. And it was clear to me that it was depicting a dictator that had taken control of America. And it was showing me that the function of dictatorship is to impose limits on people when they don't limit themselves from a place of personal sovereignty. So, I keep going back to that image... and I suspect that it means that their plans will succeed. So, I'm concerned about it.

I'm sure that Leo definitely isn't a billionaire... but certainly a single digit millionaire. But he could have been socializing during that time, here and there... even if he wasn't putting a strong emphasis on it and was consciously thinking of himself as a loner. Just like how he was talking about enjoying living a solitary life on his blog, while also having a very large audience and engaged forum to share his experiences with... and spending a lot of time on the forum socializing. But he may not consciously value socializing. So, he may be finding rationales for why this, that, or the other social experiences don't count as socializing. Funny enough, the times where I thought of myself as a loner were actually the times when I had the most connection. I was just introverted... but also surrounded by people that I know and existing within communal systems (like school and work) where I was frequently interacting with others. So, I could afford to have the belief because my solitude was an illusion. When I was truly alone to where, if I went missing, no one would have known for weeks... that was when I stopped being able to tell myself that I'm a loner. I really felt what it was like to feel totally alone in the universe. I suspect most people who identify as loners have not experienced solitude in the extreme.

@Something Funny 100% Connection and socializing are really important for mental health. And we can't truly actualize our potential without it.

Then, why did I spend so much time in the shower when I was a teenager?

I see. These types of fears can come up in cases where we deal with negative experiences with dating... or even just in general. I just wanted to emphasize that, even if it feels true that women won't love you, that it's not true. And as a woman, I'm 100% sure that there are zero men in existence who would be romantically rejected by every woman.

The number one thing you can do is to interact with many women platonically just like you do with men. This will remove the mystique. But you may benefit from looking into integrating your own Feminine side. The more a man pushes away his Feminine side, the more he will project negative powerful images onto women as a group. And it leads to this love/hate pedestalization of women, where there is a disgust towards women but also this intense craving and feeling of women having power over you. Look into Anima possession. Here's a video about how to integrate your Feminine side...

From my perspective, this seems like an obvious statement. Of course there will be women out there who will love you. What gives you the impression that women won't love you?