Emerald

@OnecirrusI second that notion. You'll be all jammed up in yourself if you don't. And this can impact you negatively in all kinds of ways that may seem totally unrelated to sex at first blush.

It makes sense with your background why you would feel that way. But it's imperative for you to heal those wounds and integrate your sexuality and your feelings to have a healthy orientation to yourself and others. I would begin by questioning what weakness means to you.

It can sometimes happen where gay men with a more masculine polarity are also attracted to men and the same for lesbians. There are two ways this can happen. One way is that the sexual instinct is also subject to the rules of polarity. So, even if someone has a polarity where they are in the majority/norm... meaning that they are men that are mostly masculine or women that are mostly feminine... they can still have a sexual instinct that deviates from the norms for most in their gender. Another way is if a person's sexuality is still geared towards the opposite polarity associated with their gender. So, if we take a masculine gay man who is mostly attracted to feminine men, or a feminine lesbian who is mostly attracted to masculine women. These are all possibilities with regard to polarity. But because everyone has masculine/feminine in them, an understanding of polarity is very helpful. But honestly, I talk a lot about these topics. And I have gotten quite a bit of positive feedback from those in the LGBTQ community. Now, that's mostly because I acknowledge these distinctions up front, so as not to marginalize. That's why I said that Teal Swan could do a better job with that. But polarity is not usually very simple. It can devolve into stereotypical discussions that miss the meat of what's really substantial about having these discussions. It has to be handled responsibly and with proper distinctions between Yin and Yang vs the masculine and feminine principle vs cultural masculinity and femininity vs every individual person's polarity. There are many distinctions to parse. That said, right now, there is a huge polarity issue between the masculine and feminine that needs to be resolved. And it impacts everyone... straight, gay, gender conforming, or non-gender conforming. And we have to look at where the wounds are... not just for the sake of men and women's relationships to one another but to how these polarities play out in ever person and in society at large in the form of major social, political, and environmental issues that often don't seem to have much to do with gender.

Very much so. At the core of most of our societal ales sits the imbalance between Yin and Yang, where the Yang polarity has a stronghold over society and chokes out the Yin polarity. Before, this worked because we weren't effectively encroaching upon Mother Nature. But yes, a huge part of counteracting Shadow Masculinity is for men (in general) to connect to their Healthy Masculine energy in a conscious way. It's not about them denying their masculine polarity... it's really about reconnecting to it and bringing themselves back into alignment. Shadow Masculine only comes up when Masculinity has been pushed into the Shadow.

Certainly that's true. I think Teal could do a better job at specifying her reasons for focusing specifically on a heteronormative and gender-conforming perspective to clarify that she's not discounting the validity of the people who naturally have uncommon energetic signatures. But it also is very important to look at heterosexual and gender conforming issues around polarity as this is often where we can see the polarity issues of the world play out. You can look at the average straight man and straight woman and notice the larger societal issues with Yin/Yang imbalance and see how it feeds directly into a great many major social problems... some that involve gender/sexuality but most that don't. So, to avoid that perspective all together means that we can never heal the wounds of that perspective. And that's not to say that the polarities of people who don't conform to the gender norms or sexual norms are invalid. Those are very real and very valid things. I'm bi-sexual myself.

While it is true that some women are more masculine and some men are more feminine and that's valid, this is not true for most people. And the man/woman, feminine/masculine perspective is actually REALLY important to look at, as this is where all the wounds are that have to be addressed. To invalidate that perspective altogether is to repress and close off the ability to heal those wounds.

This is where Teal's perspective in this video is limited... probably for the purpose of simplicity. She keeps it mostly to one facet of the discussion around polarity so that people can get an idea of what it is in terms of relationships between men and women. But polarity is a lot more complex than just the gender binary. From some perspectives, there is no binary at all. Everything is one. Which is true. From other perspectives, you could say that everything is infinitely Yin and Yang... which is also true. Basically, all people contain a unique masculine/feminine signature. And for a person to have a relationship where these energies are engaged, it's best to find someone who has a complementary masculine feminine signature to your own. So, for simplicity sake (though it is more complex than this still), let's say that there is a straight woman who is 80% feminine and 20% masculine... she will be most polarized to a man who is 80% masculine and 20% feminine. To add an extra layer of complexity, these percentages happen across many different spectrums of traits within the personality. So, polarity and compatibility are a lot more complicated to understand logically. Ideally, what you want is for the feminine side of the woman to be contained by the masculine side of the man... and to have the feminine side of the man contained by the masculine side of the woman. And there's always a dance happening here. Also, you'll want to have your own masculine side containing your own feminine side. The main thing is being able to get in touch with your natural polarity and going with whatever naturally feels good in tandem with that natural polarity, and things will flow better from there.

The main thing about personal sovereignty is to be in touch with your own feelings. A person with issues with boundaries, codependency, and a lack of personal sovereignty ends up projecting their own sovereignty onto others... who then become like an authority figure to them. And then that person starts to look at the other person and tries to make decisions by thinking "How are they going to feel about this?" as opposed to making decisions by saying, "How do I feel about this?" And what Teal Swan refers to as containment requires that a man be in touch with his personal sovereignty so that he can lead the dynamic and she can surrender and be receptive. So if a man is out of touch with his own sovereignty, then no intimacy is possible. A man who is enmeshed and simply exists as a character in the woman's story, cannot contain. The woman then has to contain the man in her story. Basically enmeshment and containment are polar opposites. That which is enmeshed cannot contain that which it is enmeshed with.

There will always be changes in the relationship. And one thing that Teal doesn't mention in the video (probably for simplicity purposes) is that all people have both a masculine and feminine polarity. And so, women can use her masculine polarity to contain a man's feminine side. Though, because typically women have a more pronounced feminine side and because men have a more pronounced masculine side that the dance will involve the man containing the woman more often when done in a satisfying way for both partners. Now, one exception that she brought up is that a lot of men have not experienced containment in childhood, and will look for a mother to contain him in a partnership. And this really doesn't feel good to a woman. So, while there are times for women to contain men naturally, if a woman feels like she has to push herself into her masculine polarity constantly, this isn't going to feel natural or good to her... unless she is in the minority of women who are naturally more masculine and are also attracted to men. But yes, there are ups and downs to a relationship. And this is more of a dance of containment than a static thing. And flexibility is required. But it simply isn't going to feel good to most women to play the mom or the masculine role more than what naturally lines up with her polarity.

I don't know. I have clients all over the world, and it all seems pretty similar. But yet again, I have a very particular kind of target audience that's interested in self-exploration. So, I couldn't honestly say. But I have noticed that all people have some degree of struggle with this. And it's simply because most people are raised to see their own emotions as something to tune out from or repress. And this creates deep issues with opening up, being vulnerable, and having intimacy in relationships and friendships. And boys/men are hit extra hard with this in particular.

That's more of a boundaries and personal sovereignty issue. It doesn't have to do with intimacy. This can come up when someone has an issue with codependency and is dealing with enmeshment trauma where they orient to themselves like a character in someone else's story. Actually, it has so little to do with intimacy that intimacy is literally impossible from this standpoint. A man has to bring his personal sovereignty and authenticity into the relationship for any intimacy to be possible what-so-ever because intimacy has to do with being seen, heard, and understood while also being able to see, hear, and understand the other person without projecting onto them. The same is true for a woman.

She does say at the end that you shouldn't go about doing that logically by just remembering to do all those things. It's more like, if you step into your masculine energy and align with what feels good about "containing" a woman, that it will come instinctually in large part. It's not meant to be a chore or something to overthink about. It's just what feels good. It's kind of like, if there were a video about things women can do to please a man. And the woman gets overwhelmed and a bit indignant about it because it's all in the abstract and theoretical. But when she's with a guy she's attracted to and feels safe with, it genuinely feels natural and good to please him that way. It's the same thing. It's a natural outgrowth of being in alignment with masculine energy and having a deep intimate relationship with a woman.

Attunement is important. But to attune is to understand. You can't have attunement if you're not seeing things clearly. If you don't "get" someone, you can't attune to them.

What you said does actually preclude intimacy. To have intimacy men and women must communicate and understand one another deeply. Otherwise, all you have is your projections onto the other person. It isn't enough simply to make a woman feel feminine... because even making a woman feel safe being feminine around you requires you to really understand her.

I definitely wonder that too. I'm genuinely not sure how I would be if the soil were truly balanced. I suspect that people raised under such conditions would have such a leg up over people in present day society. But we do have a core nature. So, that would always be there. Also, that's a really good way to put it. Women really do have to be fluent in masculinity to get along in this world. But men are even discouraged from learning anything in the feminine language... and there are very few outlets to truly learn it. And before, it was always the masculine side of humanity needing to harness and control Mother Nature. At present, the circumstances are very different, which means that we actually NEED to integrate the feminine to survive as a species. Before it was humanity's lot to polarize as much into the masculine as possible to counterbalance the powerful forces of nature which is feminine. Now, society has grown so much in terms of masculine development that an imbalance has occurred... which is why we have an environmental crisis on our hands. So, before humanity was the most "fit" to its environment by being patriarchal. But now, in order to remain "fit" to the environment, we MUST integrate the feminine as opposed to defaulting to the old femininity-repressing patriarchal ways of survival.

What must be understood is that this isn't based in traditional cultural notions of femininity and masculinity. In fact, gender roles themselves and the resistance toward gender roles both simultaneously cause a lot of tension and friction that keep men and women from orienting to one another, to themselves, and to the world in a way that's out of alignment with their authenticity. So, it may appear as though people are being traditional and conservative and backwards, but it doesn't actually come from the same place. It comes from what most women really do actually want in a relationship. And even as it may resemble older traditions, it doesn't have to do with reinstating the rigidity and trappings of the old perspectives. But it is a very complex topic. There's a lot of potential for people to misunderstand and end up in old, stagnant, and disempowering cycles that were just the norm of yesteryear. The pre/trans fallacy is applicable here. Before, there were very rigid gender roles between men and women and women were oppressed and there were all kinds of problems. Then, we threw off gender roles and lived in rebellion and defiance of them, which allowed us to grow more as people but also disconnected us in some ways from our natural energy. And now, we hope to neither go into conformity nor rebellion against the old gender roles. We will do what feels good because it feels good... not because someone says it's what should be.

Yes, that's usually how I relate it. When the soil is basic only basic plants will be able to grow and flourish, and acidic plant will either not be able to grow at all or will only grow to partial capacity. So, we as women are like acidic plants and men are like basic plants. And the soil is still 85% basic and 15% acidic... which is better than it was before. But still not ideal. And you can see by the way that men really don't like looking at this and create lots of mental blocks about it, that there is a fear of allowing the feminine to come into alignment. And women have a similar fear because they've experienced that femininity equals weakness and the ground upon which they'll be lampooned or oppressed. So, it's a tricky situation.

It probably feels like torture because it's triggering some wounds or dredging up some shadows in you. Teal Swan's perspective on this can be incredibly helpful to you if you want to be a better lover/partner. Her perspectives on dating/sexuality/relationships (though heteronormative), are so incredibly accurate when it comes to what the average woman is really seeking in a relationship. And if you really listen, having this added perspective can only help you.

It’s biological in the sense that men generally possess a greater capacity to disconnect emotionally. Men have been wired biologically to have a greater potential to be able protect and provide through violence... which requires the ability to have distance from the emotions. The issue is when men run away into that capacity to hide from everyday interactions with their loved ones and to avoid intimacy and human connection. A healthy man is one who can use that capacity when it is needed and then be able to put his sword back in the sheath and live his life without the insecurity of needing to have his sword constantly drawn. Now, it’s certainly true that male friendships offer a special kind of intimacy. But if you can only have intimacy and authenticity in male friendships, this will tell you a lot about you and your female partner’s barriers to intimacy.

Yeah... there’s a lot male-washed feminine cultural standards of the day and of yesteryear. That way, if women use the cultural narrative to connect to their feminine power, it will still be on masculine terms. That way, society won’t fundamentally shift away from patriarchal customs and ways. Every time I’ve connected to the core of my Femininity it has always been both soft and powerful. And if everyone connected to that, society would really shift. But of course, these larger societal shifts take time. But in the meantime, there is always the potential to hold space for that energy.

No, you just said that everything that doesn’t relate to how to get your friend a gf is just philosophizing. And then I mentioned that this thread is for discussing Teal Swan’s video... which is all about women’s sexual needs in a relationship with a man from the female perspective. And that perhaps, instead of derailing the conversation about women’s sexual/relationship needs, you should create a new thread to ask for advice on how to get your friend a gf. None of that has to do with one-dimensional talk about sexuality... nor does it have to do with men wanting smart, beautiful women. It has to do with women’s desire to be in their feminine energy and feel held in a relationship... and the challenges around that.

But the thread is about Teal Swan’s video. Perhaps start another thread for that.

I have certainly heard good things about David Deida. I should check him out.

That is definitely one way. But beyond that, men often have a split between their masculine and feminine energy because of negative societal attitudes about men expressing things that are considered feminine. This includes being in touch with his emotions. So, that's the root of the problem right there. Not only does it disconnect a man from his feminine side... it also disconnects him with his masculine side... which pertains with his personal sovereignty and what he really wants because he is shifted away from his emotional core. The way this shows itself is that men will tend to cope with things through maintaining emotional distance. This extends to relationships, but is not only applicable to this area of life. I'll take my dad for example. Mind you, my dad is a very nice guy. So, not to say anything negative about him. But one thing that was always an issue is that he would often spend a lot of time disassociating once he got home... usually through zoning out in front of the TV. And this is kind of the same idea behind men who create "man caves" and stuff like that. It's seen as totally normal, but it's actually a coping mechanism where he can avoid the world. And then, in relationships, you'll find that a lot of men will want to have a little sex and then run away. There is a desire there for intimacy. But he only goes far enough to stick his dick in and then either runs away literally or figaratively through avoidant tactics in relationships. Also, if you notice on this discussion board, several men reacted to the suggestion of intimacy like a cat being thrown into bath-water. So, there's that too. But all this comes down to the way that boys are socialized to suppress their feelings and instincts and put on a culturally masculine persona. Men and boys are expected to armor themselves and never show weakness. And there's a lot of social consequences when they do. So, anything relating to softness, femininity, and intimacy will be a trigger. And there's a lot of fear of social rejection underneath all of that. So, there's a lot of uncomfortable emotions and extreme responsibilities to avoid... hence the avoidance.

I'm being 100% honest with you right now. You must understand that I've done the brunt of my inner work in relation to masculine/feminine dynamics. My desire is to get people to wake up to these polarity related issues, so that people can have a better relationship with others and with themselves. And this requires someone to get their own issues with feminine/masculine dealt with. I don't want to keep you from having success with a woman. I want to tell you that, what you might define as success with a woman isn't going to be interpreted that way by the woman, even if they've told you otherwise. For women, it's all about intimacy... even if they themselves have armored themselves to it or have tons of wounds in that areas. So, don't misconstrue my advice as advice on how to 'get' a woman. It's not that. I'm telling you what women actually need to feel good in a relationship and bond deeply with her partner. And this requires a man to be able to open up and allow for intimacy to happen. And this is something that can't be gamed. It's too close to the core of one's being. Intimacy is honest. Now, a great many men and women are too armored to actually have intimacy at this current juncture. So, the best thing you can do is to work through your own issues with intimacy, and then you'll be more likely to line up with a female partner who has also worked through her issues with intimacy to the same degree.