Emerald

I've heard some really gnarly things about John Lennon. Far more gnarly than what I've heard about Kurt Cobain. One example, John Lennon had said that he wished he had had sex with his mother before she died. Like he was lamenting the missed opportunity. And otherwise, lots of accounts of him being a pretty abusive father to his son... and also abusive to his partners.

I wouldn't say that fewer women are attracted to friendly men... in fact quite the opposite. But if you come off as rude/strict/unapproachable AND you attract women on that basis. And then they find out you're friendly, they may cease to find you attractive because they were attracted to you when you were rude/strict/unapproachable. It's not true that rude/strict/unapproachable behavior is more inherently attractive than friendliness. It's just that you will attract a certain type... and then when you reveal yourself as friendly and that type will no longer feel attracted because they are attracted to rude/strict/unapproachable guys (probably because they're attracted to avoidant tendencies).

What might be happening is that you approach women acting one way and try to "game" the situation to where you're likely to get an affirmative response. You may be doing this consciously or unconsciously. And then, as you start to get comfortable, you start to show your actual personality. And because the person was attracted to you for the facade/game, once they see the real you they will begin feeling differently. If this is the case, my advice is to watch for inauthentic behaviors that you're employing consciously or unconsciously to avoid rejection... and to do your very best to lead fully with your unique authentic personality. That will be your best beacon towards women who are your type (which is what women are really looking for)... as opposed to playing to whatever you think the given woman will want and then not being able to maintain the facade.

A silly ad targeted at a silly populace is actually a smart strategy... unfortunately.

As someone who is not a phone person, maybe it's the same for him. Just wait for him to text back. If he hasn't in a few days, maybe send a follow-up message.

This is not an intellectual thing. Just follow your instincts and your emotions and the feelings will eventually arise that lead you to where you want to go... if that is indeed where you want to go.

UGH!!! I hate it when that happens.

Communicate what feels natural... like what you're enjoying in the moment. Like if you're enjoying her appearance you can tell her she's looks beautiful, hot, cute, etc. Or if you're enjoying the pleasure, you can tell her in more explicit or subtle ways how good she's making you feel. Basically, speak your pleasures and enjoyments out to her as they arise. But you don't want to have these things in your mind beforehand. You just want to be very attuned to your own body and emotions and willing/able to communicate what comes to mind in the moment... here and there.

You have to experience women who are real and physically there with you. Most men who ONLY find 10/10 women attractive haven't had real sexual/intimate experiences with women. It's more theoretical and abstract and picture based. But if you have real sexual/romantic experiences, you will shatter your attachment to the imagined ideal woman and really be able to appreciate and get turned on by real women who are not picture perfect. If you haven't had that experience yet, you may not think so. But I'm nowhere near a 10, and I never had any complaints nor have I had any trouble attracting a partner who's invested in me. There's a lot more to the sexual instinct beyond visuals... and that's true for both men and women. Men do have a visual bias. But a man who hasn't developed himself in any way beyond that bias is a low quality lover from the female perspective. The best thing to do is to get experience with women.... both sexually and romantically.

Hijabs and Niqabs are pretty clothing garments. I always thought so, even as a kid. It's not surprising to me that someone would prefer to wear one. I always found it weird that, when Muslim women choose to wear them, everyone is quick to jump to oppression over her being able to make her own decision about what she wears... even if she says so. Yet again, I've worn dresses, corsets, heals, and make-up before and had people swear up and down that I'm choosing that because women are oppressed and that I've been programmed to think I have to. But this viewpoint is so disempowering. So, if a Muslim woman tells me that she's wearing a Hijab or Niqab because she likes to, I remember how I don't like people to insinuate that I'm making my clothing choices because of oppression, and I take her word for it. It's not the most outlandish thing to consider that someone might want to wear one.

Jewish Nationalism in Israel leads to the oppression of Palestinians. This is because Jewish people have more power in Israel compared to Palestinians who are treated as an underclass. White Nationalism in America and Europe leads to the oppression of nonwhite people. This is because white people have more power in these places compared to nonwhite people who are treated as an underclass. So, for both of these forms of nationalism, it is the same. All right wing nationalism is about oppression of the underclass in the region. Left wing nationalism can be beneficial as it helps an underclass nation get out from under the thumb of an imperialist power through consolidating as a nation. It's about unifying against the powers that be. But right wing nationalism always gears itself towards maintaining the power of the state through oppression of an underclass.

I can only speak for myself, but I assume that it's a common pattern. I was raised in a house with two parents who were against racism... but in a denial kind of way. My entire paradigm around race was that there used to be lots of racism. But then, Martin Luther King came in like a super hero and got rid of all the racism. And that I should love all people and 'not see color'. And it all sounds very nice on the surface, but it's a very bubble-kid way of teaching the topic. And I was sheltered from outside perspective until I was 13, when my parents split up and I lived with my dad in a trailer park where there was lots of racism around me. But 12 and before, I thought we did live in a post-racial society because that was the picture that was painted for me. And that racists were the evil, horrible extreme minority that was maybe like 1 in every million people. And that these people must also be like serial killers. I was also raised in a very small town with a 92% white population. So, I was incredibly sheltered in relation to race/racism. But when I was 11 or 12, I was watching the show Lizzie McGuire. And she and her best friend Miranda always wore these cool hairstyles with pigtails and crimps and braids and stuff like that. So, I went to my mom to let her know that I wanted to get braids, which I was relating to Lizzie McGuire who was played by a white actress named Hillary Duff. So, my mom looked up a salon in the phone book so that I could get braids. And I go into the salon and for the first time in my life, (other than my mom) I am the only white person in the room. And I feel really shy, awkward, and uncomfortable about it. And suddenly, I am the one in a million, evil, racist person. I had been taught my entire life about how racism wasn't around anymore and that only evil people are racist and that I shouldn't even notice color. But here I was in a room with several really nice black women, feeling racially uncomfortable. And I felt like such a terrible person. And when I got home from the salon that day, I just laid on my bed feeling so empty because I felt ashamed of myself. Then, I found a way to convince myself why it was okay. But this was the end of my color blindness. I got really pre-occupied with race for several years after that. I was just really afraid of being outed as a bad person. So, every time I would be around people of color, there was this feeling like "Oh my gosh! What if I say the wrong thing, and I get outed as a bad and shameful person." So, I genuinely can't relate to the mindset of seeing people of other races as inferior. Perhaps there are deeper shadows to examine, but that hasn't been a thing for me. I suspect that that mindset goes along with the nationalist mindset, which I've never had. I've never been "Yay! My team is awesome and all other teams suck!" about anything. But I suspect that that's where that mindset comes from. The thing for me has been a deep fear of being a bad person and seeing myself as bad because I've internalized the shame of all the racism that's happened in the past and present. But it's been a lot more relaxed since I've learned more about my own privileges and what the defensive behavior is like from the other side. And it's also been a lot less of a 'contents under pressure' situation since I've suspended my attachment to the story of my own sense of goodness. But I suspect that a lot of white people are very against racism but have been taught about it in such a way that it makes it much more difficult for them to face their own Shadow in relation to race-related issues. And a big part of that is the internalization of the sense of "I am bad." and the shame of it.

No. Racial identity is important to many people. And you're erasing part of their identity and experiences in pretending that things are or should be post-racial. Notice how it's white people who are the main ones focused on erasing race. And the reason why is because white people are the main ones that feel uncomfortable with race as a reality... because it reminds them of the shame they've internalized because of the unhealed trauma wounds around race. When I said "enlightened", I meant that people who try to pretend like they're post-racial have this idea that they're doing something wise and kind by pretending like race doesn't and shouldn't exist. But I'm sure that if you were a person of color and dealing with the realities that people of color face, and then attempting to speak about those realities around white people only to have them shut you down and finger-wag you for making racial distinctions, that you would NOT like it. What it does is invalidate the perspectives of nonwhite people who have experiences with racism on a regular basis. And so, when a person of color talks about their experience as a person of color, and a white person jumps in to derail the conversation or invalidate them by saying "Kum-bay-ah! Let's just let go of this race nonsense and just be one people." this (as you could imagine) would be very tiring and frustrating and would probably aggravate all kinds of individual and collective wounds. So, no. You're not trying to be how you'd like others to be... even if you think that's what you're doing.

You do realize that straight and bi-sexual women are attracted to men and find them sexy, right? Just because you don't find men attractive, doesn't mean that the majority of women don't. But this is always my gripe. Straight men genuinely don't understand what's attractive about men. And so they do a bunch of stuff that they think will make them more attractive that will actually do the opposite.

I recommend the authors... Jean Raffa, Jean Shinoda Bolen, Maureen Murdoch, June Singer, Monica Wikman, Merlin Stone, Marion Woodman, and others in that genre.

Thank you. I'll check it out at some point.

Lots of white people attempt to erase racial identity and try to pretend we're a post-racial society or that we should be. And then they convince themselves it's because they're so above it and enlightened. But it's just another avoidance tactic to avoid shame.

Nope. Time won't heal these wounds. Only awareness, love, understanding, and genuine compassion will.

That's a great point! I'd imagine that it gets very uncomfortable trying to explain to white people and to be met with all the tactics that white people unconsciously use to avoid shame. And because we're often unconsciously projecting our own shame, I'd imagine that that projection is often absorbed by those we project it upon. Also, thank you for the book recommendations. I'll keep those in mind for future reading.

No. We're not in the clear because the shame has yet to be faced and the collective racial trauma wounds have yet to be healed. If we don't face these things and resolve them, both the white shame and the racial trauma will continue to be passed down from generation to generation. And it doesn't matter how many generations removed from the original wounding we are. The wounds still fester on. Nobody is off the hook for anything... so don't go into denial and avoidance mode by reframing it as, "Yay! White people ended slavery." It's nothing more than a tactic to avoid the shame.

I did an Ayahuasca ceremony this weekend and had some insights about racism... specifically the racism happening in America. One thing I recognized was that underneath all hatred and bitterness (in any situation) is a deep yearning for love, friendship, and oneness. And I could recognize this in the dynamic playing out between all people. And it came up in relation to men and women. But it also came up in relation to people of different races. Then, there was a recognition specifically of American anti-black racism and what causes White Fragility. It has often been called White Guilt, but it is actually White Shame. And these are very different things. It was clear to me that the collective wounding in relation to slavery, Jim Crow, and present intonations of anti-black America racism have yet to be resolved on a collective level. So, there is a big festering karmic wound on the collective human spirit which has yet to be addressed in a meaningful way in relation to past and present racial traumas. And it doesn't matter how much time goes by, as time will not be the thing that heals this wound... awareness and genuine love will be. And at the crux of this lack of resolution is White Shame. To understand this, the distinction between guilt and shame must be understood. Guilt is about doing something wrong and feeling bad about it. Shame is about believing "I'm bad." During the ceremony, there was a recognition that white people as a collective have internalized the shame of all the human rights violations of the colonizers of the past and subconsciously believe "I am bad" because they resemble the oppressor (and often act as oppressor, even if unintentionally). But people in general will protect their sense of goodness at all costs. It is the nature of the ego to assert, "I am good." So, shame that asserts "I am bad" and the ego that asserts "I am good" are at odds with one another. And white people who are dealing with White Shame (which is most white people), will jump through so many hoops to avoid their shame and maintain their identity of goodness because deep down they feel like they're bad and they are trying to hide their feelings of badness from themselves. And this is why, when people of color bring up racism around white people, white people react really intensely and defensively with White Fragility. And that's because they're no longer talking to the person of color. They are projecting their own White Shame and buried sense of badness, unworthiness, and shame onto them. And then, people of color become a scapegoat and a reminder to white people of their own internal sense of their own perceived sense of badness. And that happens even when the person of color is being super accommodating (beyond what should ever be expected of anyone) to the white person's fragility. And it all comes down to white people having a deep unresolved and unconscious collective sense of shame. So anything race-related can be a trigger for that feeling of shame, and so many white people seek to make everything racially neutral and to minimize the extent of the damage done in slavery, Jim Crow, and beyond. But it's really important for white people to face with this feeling of shame because white people won't be able to allow the wounds of the past and present racism to be healed otherwise. Time won't heal these wounds. Only a genuine acknowledgement of the scope of the pain will. And if it isn't resolved in this generation, it will keep passing itself down to the next generation and the next generation and so on. And white people will keep inheriting the sense of shame and people of color will keep inheriting the racial traumas that haven't been resolved because of the unwillingness to look at that shame.

Just let yourself fall in love. Don't be so afraid of losing her that you're unable to relax and surrender to the process. Detach yourself from all outcomes, but immerse yourself in the feelings and let them happen.

Usually, the desperation played out in the dating scene (whether from men or from women) comes from earlier traumas and just plays itself out in the sexual arena and/or in the relationship arena. So, my take on desperate men is that the desperation doesn't usually begin with their relationship to dating/sex/women; it comes from what happened the them in childhood... and what was taught to them about relationships with women from family, friends, society, and media becomes the lens through which that childhood trauma find expression.

If we really understand how polarity works and what masculinity and femininity really are, we will recognize immediately that we're the most masculine oriented than we've ever been as a species. And that includes in times and societies where men were totally dominant and women totally subservient. Even then, they were less masculine oriented than our society is despite our progress with gender equality. This is because when we were in older social orders prior to industrialization, it was man against nature. We had to polarize ourselves into the masculine (ideas, invention, and manipulating nature for human gain) in order to counterbalance the powerful feminine energy of Mother Nature... so that we didn't get swallowed up by it. And this patriarchal adaptation worked for a long time to keep us surviving, though a side effect of that adaptation is that it worked massively to the benefit of men and the suppression of women. But now, the battle of man against nature has reached a point of diminishing returns. Now, nature is losing. And now, patriarchal/masculine-oriented social orders are maladaptive for this very reason. This is why you see a lot of people nowadays focusing towards the feminine. But it's not nearly far enough if we want to bring things into balance and integration. Masculine orientation has ruled for so many thousands of years. And now that femininity takes up just an inch more space for the past few years, you say that it's swinging too far in the opposite direction. And that just fails to see the bigger picture of what's happening in terms of masculine/feminine polarity. I know it's a change and that masculine orientation is the water and we are fish. But to say that we've polarized too much into the feminine is just not true. If we want to survive as a species for very much longer, we'll have to deliberately integrate the feminine as a species. And that comes difficult because we're not used to it.