Emerald

I get where you’re coming from but that’s actually really not such great advice if her goal is to have the guy value her and have a deeper attraction to her. Men often feel like they want a woman who’s straight forward who comes easily to them. But men don’t really respond to that as well as they think they will in fantasy. There usually has to be some level of chase for the feelings to build up.

That could be an element as well. It isn't necessarily an appeal to men. But it often is used that way. But even at that, it is an over-generalization. And if taken literally (as I used to and have seen many girls/women do so), this is where the toxicity comes into play. The toxic element is the part where a woman dubs herself the only good woman and becomes misogynistic and believes that all other women are bad... either for male approval or just as a way of coping with past traumas caused by girls/women. And I've been there myself. It's common. But it is an element of the toxic feminine. Now, if someone's venting and doesn't really believe that, then it's not as bad. But what I'm talking about is a genuine belief that female nature is inherently drama-filled and corrupt. That's the misogyny of it.

My advice is to be more receptive than initiatory. A good heuristic is to makes sure he's the one reaching out 80% of the time. Men can have a hard time building feelings and tension around women who actively pursue them because they want to feel like they've earned your attention and affection somehow. So, counterintuitively, the most attractive thing you can do is to be (sparingly) ambiguously flirty (touching his arm, joking, etc.) when you do interact but to otherwise hang back and wait for him to initiate most of the time. Also, know and set your boundaries. This will indicate that you're not easy to get and that he will have to invest effort into you if he wants to earn your affections. It requires a lot of trust in the process and a detachment from outcome. But this is the essence of staying in your Yin energy, which is what really attracts men. But when you talk to him, I recommend being playful and lighthearted and perhaps talking about shared interests. But let him do the leg work. You don't want to end up with a guy who feels lukewarm about you.

That's the pattern. Women who say, "I only want to be friends with men because women have too much drama." may very likely have experienced a lot of drama with many women. This is why it's hard to heal from because it's a pattern that makes a lot of sense if you've associated mostly or only with women fitting that pattern. But it's also a very misogynistic statement at the same time because not all women are like that... in fact, most are mostly not. And the statement is often used to say to men, "Pick me! I'm better than other women." So, there's also that added layer. Women who experience trauma at the hands of other women, and then they put men on a pedestal and paint nearly all women with the same brush of negativity. Add in the strong desire to appeal to and be approved of by men, and you have the "I'm not like other girls" phenomenon. But it's also very self-attacking because on some level these women also experience that as internalized misogyny. And then, sisterhood can't be had. And sisterhood and the healing of feminine wounds is what's really needed. That's why I said that the toxic feminine attacks itself while the toxic masculine attacks the other. Toxic femininity causes a lot of tension and strife among women (and for valid reasons based in trauma). When I talk about toxic femininity, it isn't meant as a condemnation. It's an observation. It all makes perfect sense why it is the way it is and why there are mean girls. But also, not all women are in a pattern of toxic femininity. I've been very fortunate that I have many female friends that have quite low levels of toxic femininity. The thing in common with these women is usually that they've developed their masculine side as well... though there is a pattern of using the masculine side to shield ourselves in some ways.

You're welcome. I know that these things can be remedied. It comes from genuinely embodying feminine power in a healthy way. Mean girls are mean because they feel like that's the way to get power. I had a lot of early traumas that were caused by girls/women. And I had very few boundary-breeching traumas caused by boys/men, as my dad is a very nice and warmhearted. And so, by age 8 or 9, I became really misogynistic. And I would go into this mindset of "boys/men are good" and "girls/women are bitches". And I was always trying to carve out my own category where I could escape from being female. I wanted to be a loophole woman that "wasn't like the other girls." And at age 10, I decided that "I only hang out with boys because girls are weak and mean." So, I was always trying to tear the other girls down and be the girl that was approved of by the boys. And I would behave in masculine ways to prove that I wasn't like other girls. At summer camp, I'd even have the kids scratch their nails down my arm as hard as they could until it nearly drew blood, just to show that I wouldn't flinch. And I'd go around arm wrestling all the boys (and I could beat about half of them at the time because we weren't yet going through puberty). One time, me and this kid Calvin (who was pretty much an "alpha" kind of kid and an asshole) were playing four square or something. And he and I both jumped for the ball and ended up skidding across the floor. And we both ended up with huge bruises all over our legs. It was a bad skid directly across linoleum. And it hurt SOOO bad. And Calvin was crying like a baby doubled over on the floor. And I would have been too if I were being honest. But I saw it as an opportunity to prove how much more macho I was. And I jumped up onto my feet and stood over him and started calling him a little girl as he was crying. I would never let myself show weakness because I didn't want to be seen as anything like a girl, other than in appearance. So, a lot of my work has been on working into these relationships with women and accepting that I'm a woman and thus like other women. I really think these are symptoms of living in a masculinity-oriented culture and women feeling competition toward one another to get male approval instead of cooperation with one another. And there are like three main ways to cope with that, and being a mean girl is one of them. Being a nice girl is the other. And trying to exempt oneself from the stigma of femaleness is yet another. But to really heal, there has to be a genuine healing of the feminine wounds and truly stepping into feminine power.

This isn't something that there are statistics on where I can give you a concrete sample size. As far as I know, scientists haven't yet studied that 'mean girl' personality type. But I have experienced enough of life over the course of the past 32 years and enough interactions with girls and women to tell you that the traits that I mention are very common among girls and women, and not very common among boys and men. Ask any woman this. In fact, you can even ask most little girls. And they will tell you. I had experiences with mean girls all through public school from 5-18. I experienced it in college in a totally different town. I've experienced it in casual get-togethers and workplaces. I experienced it as a teacher and substitute teacher in both female teachers and female students in EVERY single school I've taught at. I even have some family members that are like this. It is COMMON and to say it isn't or that guys do the same exact things is just reality denying. Men have other forms of toxicity that are different... and this is the primary toxic element of society in general as there is an imbalance. But the toxic feminine still exists, it just only comes up usually in girl to girl tensions. It stays within a limited context as pettiness is one of the main qualities of it. And there are countless movies made about this dynamic. So, my sample size is ever single girl or woman I've ever met in my life. And the proportion of women who are like this are probably 20% of that sample size. It's a minority still, but the minority is sizable enough that every woman has a good handful of negative experiences. But as I've said, women tend to express a lot of this only toward other women. Men as a group are usually exempted from experiencing women express many of these toxic traits... unless you're in a relationship or family situation with one of them. Women like this tend to direct their toxicity toward most women and just one guy. Also, when a woman is going on the attack toward another woman, the men usually don't pick it up. It's like a dog whistle that only other women can hear. I remember one time that I was hanging out with my friend Joe, my (would-soon-be) boyfriend Jeff, my friend Andrew, and this girl Alicia (who I actually later became friends with when she matured a bit). But it was all too familiar. It was a situation I'd been in (not an exaggeration and probably an underestimate) a hundred times before. And I could sense she saw me as a threat, and she kept focusing in on me and making little remarks to criticize my looks or other things about me. She was jealous because she liked Jeff and Jeff and I were hanging out. And my friend Joe, who had come with me, he and I stepped outside and I was trying to be chilled out and said nonchalantly, "Wow, that girl really hates me." And I just assumed that everyone would see what was going on. But he was like, "Ugh! Why do you girls do this. She wasn't thinking anything about you." And I was so puzzled at how he couldn't see what was going on.

These are common too

Toxic traits do tend to differ based on the energy one most embodies. When I wrote my list, I had women in mind (and very feminine men) in particular. And that’s because these are uniquely feminine toxic traits. If I were making a toxic masculinity list, the list would be very different. The toxic feminine tends to be self-attacking. The toxic masculine tends to attack a perceived “other”. They are different.

It’s definitely different than what most men do and how they do it. These are behaviors that I’ve mostly seen in women and very feminine men. Behavior that would be described as catty. Men will bully other men too. But it’s usually done very directly with offensive attacks. For women, it becomes a wider social and emotional abuse strategy that involves manipulation.

Both. Shunning, gossiping, and ruining reputations. This behavior goes all the way back to elementary school. The mean girls will bully you, shun you, hold a grudge, gossip about you, and then have fun poisoning all your classmates against you. This behavior is usually targeted at other girls.

Toxic traits that can be recognized as a pattern in a sizable minority of women... - Practicing social ostracism toward women they perceive as lower or higher status than them - Ganging up on women they perceive as lower or higher status than them - Underhanded compliments (Oh wow! You look so amazing. WhO dOeS yOuR mAkEuP?) - Constant competition for male attention - Passive aggressiveness - Fretfulness - Neediness - Jealousy - Getting together in a group and playing psychological mind games - Internalized misogyny (ex. I only hang out with guys because there’s less drama.) - Leaning too heavily on others for emotional support - Social drama = peak entertainment - Sourness toward service industry workers - Holding grudges - Lack of accountability for actions - Seeking partnership for materialistic/image related reasons (aka gold digging, status seeking, fitting societal expectations) - Focus towards appearances and materialism - Expecting that happiness emerges from having the perfect relationship - Crippling self-esteem issues that translate to total self-absorption - Conspiratorial thinking (everyone’s out to get them, so they’re out to get everyone else) - pettiness - Lack of ambition - Super strong disgust, fear, or anger reaction to anything even slightly unusual or unpleasant. Zero tolerance for discomfort.

Great post!

I’m saying that, what you think works on a grand scale for women... 1. Works with only a percentage of the female population, but is interpreted as a general truism about feminine instinct when it isn’t. You’re getting a small snapshot of what SOME women will SOMETIMES accept. But you’re not getting the rule of what women instinctually crave, you’re getting the exception and interpreting it as the rule. 2. The women it does work for would have still gone home with you even without those techniques. You really just need to interact with women for some of them to want to sleep with you. 3. A woman agreeing to have sex with a man is not in itself an indicator of female sexual satisfaction or deep levels of attraction. Truly realized female sexual satisfaction can only arise in a situation where a depth of connection and intimacy has been established, which takes a long time. As a woman who’s had one-night stands before, I can tell you that they were pretty blah and just something to assuage feelings of loneliness. It’s much much better with a man you’ve developed trust and intimacy with.

Absolutely. It’s clear that these men who subscribe to this distorted paradigm of human sexuality are really threatened by women sharing the truth of what we actually respond to in a man. They get a lot of comfort and a false sense of invulnerability and power by subscribing to this alpha/beta narrative. So any threat to that paradigm feels like a threat to their power... which makes them fear feeling the insecurity and fear of female judgment they felt before they adopted this placebo perspective. Little do they know that women would genuinely admire them much more if they just be themselves and develop themselves as human beings.

I never called you garbage. You’re just currently low quality from the standpoint of what women value in a relationship with a man as your perspective guarantees that the woman won’t feel satisfied in a relationship with you as she won’t feel secure enough to surrender and open up. And this makes intimacy impossible which is what the woman really needs to feel in her relationship to feel good. Basically, a relationship with a man with your perspective is not what any woman is actually looking for. But because there are so many men like you, you might get a few women with low standards trying to turn you into the guy they’re actually looking for simply out of desperation. But make no mistake, if a woman feels insecure in a relationship, she will constantly be in her masculine energy with her walls up. And this won’t be fulfilling for her. Women generally have an instinct to seek a man that they can feel claimed by and feel safe with. And this is because this gives her a space in her life to be in her feminine energy. And if she is worried about you being carried off by your emotional whims and urges, then she won’t feel secure enough to be feminine. And she will be in her masculine energy and pick fights with you constantly. And that’s nearly universally true as it is a reflection of the feminine instinct for pair bonding, child rearing, and community building.

Of course she does. She knows what women ACTUALLY like (and also what turns women off) because she is one herself. So, her only challenge is to find gay, bisexual, and bicurious women. So, that’s probably 25%+ of the female population. And then she can make connections, make her sexuality known, and test the waters.

Exactly. It’s really bothersome because, in trying to make themselves into more attractive men, they’re unknowingly making themselves into much less attractive men. And when women tell them this, they don’t believe us. They think our motive is that we don’t want men to be attractive to avoid being “caught”... which makes zero sense if you realize how much women actually like men. But because these ideas/techniques give them the equivalent of Dumbo’s magic feather (aka a placebo), they run with it. And they misattribute their sexual success with these ideas and techniques. When any success they actually got simply came from interacting with women. They could have done it as their normal self and gotten sexual success with just as many women the whole time. But they adopt this imaginary framework and they get trapped there. And this leaves the world with a scarcity of good men who are high quality.

I’m bisexual... so...

We’re telling you about the female sexual bias. We already know what attracts us and what type of men we look up to. We’re trying to let you in on the secrets of what women really admire in men. You’re welcome

If a man isn’t honest, that’s a WAY bigger red flag than a high lay count. That’s not just a red flag, that’s a dealbreaker. And it’s pretty easy to spot intuitively when someone is dishonest like that. A guy would have much better chances being honest about a high lay count than he would have lying about it.

100% I hate how so many men don’t believe women when women tell them what’s attractive to them and what isn’t. The equivalent would be if there were a large group of women out there who really believed that women with really long nose hairs were the most attractive “alpha” women that all men crave to be with. And these women would always be trying to grow their nose hair really long. And then, anytime they’d get a guy to sleep with them, they’d say “See! It must be the nose hair.” And then some of these women would sell other women the secrets to attracting men by having long nose hair. And showing these women different techniques for styling their nose hair. And then when men would say, “Ew! We don’t like it when women have long nose hair!” All the nose hair women would go, “Silly men. They just don’t know what they’re attracted to. All men respond to long nose hair on a woman. Never listen to a man about what attracts them.” And men would keep saying, “No, we genuinely think that’s gross.” And the nose hair women would say, “Oh yeah? Sure!!! Well me and all my nose hair coaches have had sex with tons of men using the nose hair method. Therefore, all men respond to nose hair on a woman!”

Yeah, for sure. A man with tons of partners really does raise up doubts about how emotionally safe he’ll be to open up around. But I see a high lay count as something like exceeding “every year of his adult life times 1.5” So, if a guy is 40, then I wouldn’t see him having 20-30 sexual partners as being too excessive. Though it would raise questions about how long his longest relationship was. And that would be a red flag of he’s never had a relationship lasting 3+ years. But if a guy is 25 with 20-30 partners, then it would be a bit of a red flag that would raise questions.

An alpha male, in my view, is a man who possesses the qualities of Divine Masculine and who embodies the King Archetype. He is the kind of man that a woman wants to settle down with and grow old with. Women value settling down. It isn’t something they do begrudgingly when they get older. Young women and old women tend to want long term partners because one-night stands and flings are kind of empty and boring from the female perspective. It’s a pretty low to medium reward activity, tbh. So, you must understand that as women discover themselves, they begin to recognize the men you’re describing as “alpha” as scrubs. And they realize that those guys are not high quality men. And they begin to appreciate more stable, fatherly men who are a closer embodiment of the King Archetype. As a teenager, I was really attracted to the scrubby “alpha” guys. But once I turned 20, I began valuing maturity and stability in men. So, the latter kind of guy became repulsive and the more paternal/stable/provider type became very alluring.

It certainly can be one, for sure. It can indicate that he’s too driven by his passions/instincts or his desire for female approval to be a stable partner.

Why the question marks? Women don’t find men with higher lay counts more attractive, masculine, or respectable. I know tons of guys from my hometown who had double-digit lay count by the end of high school. And these guys were universally seen as kind of scrubby.