Emerald

If that’s your agenda that’s fine. You don’t need to understand women to get sex. It’s a numbers game at the end of the day. If you keep approaching, you’ll eventually find a woman who’s horny and thus open to a one-night stand with you... or simply one who’s lonely or lacking boundaries. Just don’t kid yourself into thinking that you’ve satisfied her on any level that women generally would consider meaningful. Also, understand that most women will rightly screen you out because most women aren’t interested in the experience you’re offering.

This is advice for relationship-seeking women to follow... so it's not advice for men. Trust me when I say that these are good ways to screen men to see if they're good relationship material. If he starts out on a sexual/romantic foot with you, this is a potential red flag because it means he probably approaches many women the exact same way. And pick up artists don't usually make good partners until they've long grown out of that phase. Also, if you don't know him platonically first, you really don't know that man. A man will conscious or unconsciously pretend to be whatever you want him to be if he goes immediately into courtship mode. And this can end up unfulfilling/incompatible at best and dangerous at worst. So, don't date a stranger... and don't start out on a romantic foot with a stranger. This honestly feels like a "duh" thing. Also, generally speaking, women really want the man to chase them. This is why women are very wise to contact less than the man. It keeps her in her feminine attracting mode and makes him shift into his masculine pursuer mode. And if men are aloof and the woman is already invested and doesn't have firm boundaries, she will shift into her masculine pursuer mode while the man takes the more feminine role. And this really doesn't feel good to most women. It makes them feel anxious and desperate. So, if you want a woman to be desperate and anxious about you... then have her contact you more. But if you want to make your woman feel good and secure with you, pursue her. Either way, I know what kind of experience a woman would want. And it isn't wondering if the guy is actually into you or not. Giving a man space and distance will give him the impetus to come closer.

Basically seeing women as human first before any sexual meaning is applied and not determining a woman’s inherent value in relation to their sexual value to you. To view someone as an object is to view them only as a vehicle for carrying out your own wishes. The person is seen only as a tool you can use. To view someone as a subject is to view them as a whole person without regard to thinking about what they can do for you. And those with a primarily objectifying mindset, will also see themselves through the same lens. They will see themselves as a tool for others’ desires and will question their ability to be a good enough tool.

It's a very common pattern. I work with people as a life-coach and this probably describes 70%+ of the people I work with. Mind you, I do tend to attract introverted types since my viewership is mostly INFPs, INFJs, INTPs, and INTJs. So, it may be a bit more of an issue than in the general population. But I do think that this pattern effects most people because it is a problem with the anti-community way the world is currently structured.

This is a very important insight here that you're sharing... The way that a man judges women... the judgment will always rebound inward to himself because he also has an Anima (the inner woman in every man). You can look on this forum (and at the world in general) and find that the men who have the most objectifying, bitter, and mean-spirited views toward women have much lower self-esteem, especially in regards to dating. And this is because they project that women are also viewing them with the same objectification and mean-spiritedness. This you're noticing about yourself. And of course, the Anima, which is a large part of the male personality will take the direct blow of the misogyny. And the man's self-esteem will take a huge dive because man is also quite a bit woman. So, the sword of bitterness, devaluation, and objectification that he stabs toward women also stabs him in his feminine place bringing up Shadow Feminine feelings of bitterness and pettiness. And likewise, men who are the most secure, tend to have more normal and humanizing views toward women. And they don't see women as pornographic demon angels up on a pedestal objectifying them and judging their masculinity and their worth as a human being... because they are not judging women's inherent worth based on her looks/femininity. Also, there is nothing bad about being attracted to women who are your looks-match. In fact, that's quite normal. Most couples don't have a significant disparity in terms of their looks. They even did an experiment, where they put numbers on sticky notes on everyone's heads and had them try to match up. And most people matched up with those who are closest in number, even though they couldn't see their own number. So, it's quite normal. It's just that there's a lot of pressure to be the guy who has all the hot women... mostly not even for the pleasure of the experience but for the status in the eyes of other men. So, being with a woman of equal looks to you might create feelings of inadequacy in the eyes of other men. And this leads also to self-esteem issues, since you are expecting them (and often rightly so) to be judging your masculinity as inadequate. Men with low self-esteem tend to play off of one-another's insecurities about their own masculinity and success with women... which of course creates a cycle of bad feelings about themselves. Their judgments towards other men, also rebound inward towards themselves. Basically, any judgment out will rebound as a judgment inward. So, one of the best ways to improve your self-esteem is to drop judgment and notice the humanity in all people and to view all people in a subjectifying way as opposed to an objectifying way.

Were you noticing the same thing? A lot of times, people will call themselves introverted when it's really just a passive way to set boundaries... through distance and isolation. Most people who end up in this pattern, have a hard time asserting their boundaries actively, so they isolate to put up a passive boundary. Lobsters who have shed their shells, always hide out alone until a new one grows in its place. And a human being without the ability to set boundaries is the emotional equivalent of a lobster without its shell, in terms of vulnerability to emotional harm and trauma.

Thank you. That is important to develop a good relationship to yourself, first and foremost.

Yeah, Stage Orange is really bad for that. Many of the issues of stage Orange come from atomization and disconnection. I'm looking forward to when Green brings in a more communal focus. But we're still early in Green, so I don't think communal living will come back into vogue anytime really soon. We first have to learn to co-exist without giving up ourselves. This is tricky because people haven't really learned how to do this yet on the collective level.

I'm certain that that can't be true. If her step-father was outed that way to where things were settled in court, he wouldn't be allowed within several thousand feet of any child. I would start looking for advice online about this. I'm sure that you're not the only one to have found yourself in this position. But you have to do something about this as the adult. And I understand that it might feel like betrayal to speak to her father about this. But the real betrayal would be to do nothing about it.

It is difficult to pull this off in the current structure of society unless you’re a kid in middle or high school. But this is how small villages and tribes have always been. It’s the most commonly social order that there’s been. There is a number called the Dunbar Number... which is 150. This is how many people a person can care about. So, that’s why I recommend having about 150 acquaintances... But also having even more contacts that you’re not that well acquainted with. That way you have the ability to always become better acquainted with new people which will keep your system dynamic. And then about 30 friends with 5 or so of them being very close to you. But unfortunately, our Orange social structure is very Individualistic and ambition oriented. So, most people sacrifice their social health to focus on making it in the world. But I think it’s very important to push past the path of least resistance... which currently is isolation dressed up as introversion.

Yeah, I think women are more naturally oriented to being interested in men within the context of a social matrix. But yes... it can be difficult to meet people in a small town. My recommendation is to go to online or in-person workshops, events, etc. that focus in on topics that interest you. And then meet people, get their contact information. And keep in touch here and there. It isn’t as good as existing within the same context. But it is a way to add more like-minded people to your social circle and get to know them.

You definitely don’t need a social circle to attract someone. Just go out in public for a bit, and you’ll probably be approached. Attracting a man is easy if that’s what you’re looking for. Attracting a man who is compatible and a good person will always be a gamble unless you get to know him platonically for a while first. That’s why the social circle is important for dating... among other reasons.

You’re welcome

I’m not advocating for women to act cold. In fact, warmth is a great trait all around. But I am advocating to let men do most of the courting and initiating. If a man doesn’t pursue, it means he’s probably not that into you. Either that, or that he just prefers to be the more feminine partner and that he wants the woman to shift into her masculine energy and pursue him. Which is fine for whoever wants that. It’s just not most women’s cup of tea. But good on you to send a clear message and not any pursuing further. This will help her avoid investing in a man who is not that interested and make room for a man who is and who will make the effort to court her.

It is a shame that the other staff members’ perspectives are that beating is valuable to do. In fact, there has been studies done where it was found that spanking (which I’m sure is much lighter than the beatings the students have received) is ineffective at managing discipline at best and traumatic and counterproductive at worst. That said, societies change slowly. In another generation or so, there will probably reforms. Mind you, most Southern schools in America technically still allow corporal punishment with parental consent. But it wouldn’t be used by anyone who didn’t want to be on the news for child abuse. I’m sorry that you’ve gone through this. But the best advice I can give you is that your ex-teacher needn’t play any role in your healing process. He has no power over your healing.

The key to healing from trauma doesn’t exist within the person who traumatized you. He has no power over you in that way. Trauma is something that exists within your mind/body system, and it can only be healed from within the mind/body system. Just like, if someone cut you with a knife, you don’t need the knife’s compliance to heal from the cut.

Do you really think his interpretation of the events are accurate? I have suspicions that he may be drawing the wrong conclusions about her motivations. He’s put together that interpretation based on the fact that she asked him to repeat himself and that she also happened to be an atheist. She may have genuinely been trying to understand what he was saying. But maybe she was being a bitch. I just don’t see enough evidence to come to that conclusion, if he didn’t pick up on it while it was happening. But I don’t really believe women consciously do “shit tests” in the first place. I think it’s just a sizable minority of women’s personalities that make them prone to being difficult people. And men who are trying to understand and game it, framed it as shit testing to make it make sense in their framework. And now you have a bunch of men watching for “shit tests” and over-analyzing what they imagine are women’s underlying thoughts, feelings, and motives.

I’m an introvert too. But this is what a healthy social circle looks like. I know it sounds like a lot. But you’ve all probably experienced this before in school. And it’s what was just common (especially in small towns and villages) until the recent couple of decades. It’s just that the isolating way society is structured that makes this kind of social structure a chore because you have to go out of your way for it because Orange society is socially decentralized. Luckily there is the internet where you can meet lots of people. You’re all doing it right now actually.

It’s not a fantasy. Trust me. This is just part of the way social dynamics tend to work between men and women. Men tend to fantasize about very available women. But in reality, they are much less interested in pursuing women who make themselves very available to them. Most men respond to a challenge and a bit of a chase. This requires some distance on the part of the woman. And most women make the mistake of initiating most of the conversations and investing more than he does. But a good rule of thumb as a woman is to initiate 25% of the time, but let him do the rest. He’s courting you, not the other way around.

I really think do I need to crystallize what I wrote and get my mind right about it. My intuition has never really been off. It’s just that my intuition isn’t specifically looking for a happy relationship. It’s looking for deep relationship... painful or joyful, it has no preference. It wants mostly to learn, it seems. My mind, however, is the thing that has historically lined me up to the negative experience seeking part of my intuition. And it is mostly because I have always been prone to throwing caution to the wind once I get struck by the Cupid’s Arrow. So, in a way, my intuition has always lead me to the experiences and the pain I need to learn in the context of relationships and life in general. A big part of my purpose is teaching. This was something I was shown in a plant medicine ceremony. And I have experienced quite a range of varied (mild, moderate, and severe) heartbreaks and traumas throughout my first 20 years of life. And it was clear in that revelation that this variety of trauma has been necessary for me to fulfill my purpose. And this is because I can relate to most human pain, at least a little bit. But I would like now to switch gears. I’m hoping that I’ve had enough painful relationship experiences to suffice for my own learning. And I think it wise to keep these hard-won insights in mind as opposed to doing what I have done historically. But the relationships have gotten better as time has gone on. So, I’m hoping that for the next one, it will be better still. But I’m not ready for all that yet. I still have to grieve this one fully.

You’d be best to cultivate a really wide social circle for it, with several layers. Like being familiar with 600+ people in your in-person or online vicinity, and always being open to meeting more. Having 140-150 acquaintances within that 600 that you interact with occasionally. Then having 30 or so friends that you see at least once a month and would invite to parties and get-togethers. Then having like 5 or so really close friends that you see frequently. And ideally, you find most of these people in places where people on the same wavelength spend time. That’s what a healthy dynamic social circle looks like. It’s very similar to the social circle that high school or college sets up. So, you don’t really run out of options. And people who you just met can become really close friends of yours or even lovers over relatively short periods of time.

Not totally off the mark. It’s helpful to crystallize insights this way. And I am a bit sad because I just ended my last relationship less than a month ago. And I really didn’t want to. So, this helps that way, because I don’t want to wind up in another situation again where I invest a lot of energy and love into a situation that really can’t work out. But mostly, I wanted to share this because it is a really male-dominated space with lots of distorted viewpoints about women’s sexuality floating around... including distorted viewpoints about what men want in a partner. Mostly, if you ask half the guys on here, they would give some looks-based thing. But that only attracts but never keeps a man. And these viewpoints can genuinely take a number on women’s self-esteem because most women are not perfect 10s. And this might make them more prone to letting go of boundaries and settling for incompatible/low character men because they feel inadequate. So, I wanted to give genuinely helpful advice, which focuses on inner work, firm boundaries, individuality, and the cultivation of a Yin orientation to dating.

This is more of a list of things that I've learned from making many mistakes. These are the bits of advice I would give my younger self (though I've always known about numbers 7 and 8). And they are very much good advice. I am married but have been separated for 2.5 years and we were together for 9 years. We still live together with our children. It was a really rough relationship for me for a multitude of reasons that I don't feel comfortable with discussing. I really had to grit my teeth to keep it together for as long as I did. But it's much better now that we're just co-parents. I have had a couple of long-distance relationships in the past couple years (each lasting about a year a piece), and they were both very much mirrors to me, for better or for worse. And I've learned a lot in these relationships. That's why I recommend finding a man that mirrors you. It will give you what you need to learn. The first long-distance relationship in particular was the deepest I'd ever gone with a man, but we mirrored eachother so well that we ran into eachother's traumas eventually and I became very anxious and lost my boundaries and it turned sour. Hence the focus towards working through Shadows, setting boundaries, and knowing your deal-breakers. I loved him very much but he was a perfect mirror to what I had repressed in myself. And it was an incredibly painful breakup that brought me right into some childhood trauma that I wouldn't have otherwise brought to the surface. The second relationship I had was really nice and we mirrored eachother quite a lot as well. He's a very considerate person, which is something I hadn't experienced yet. We learned a lot together. But I sadly had to end it because our visions for the future were not compatible. I'd have gladly stayed with him otherwise. I also had a really bad relationship between age 16-20, that I was in prior to meeting my husband. I had the mindset at the time that, if I love a person then I need to sacrifice all of my boundaries for them. So, yeah... you can imagine how that went. So, here is my advice. It's good advice, I promise. It comes from a lot of trial and error.