Emerald

It sounds like you’re dealing with shame. Shame has to do with feeling like we’re unworthy or invalid in some way. Here’s a video that I made about it, if you’re interested…

Yes, this is good advice.

Sometimes a man will be involved with a woman because it’s an easygoing situation where he can get access to sex and some intimacy/companionship. And most men are pretty content to stay in this mode with a woman because it’s low investment and comfortable. Men tend to just like to have a woman around if they can choose to have a woman around. But men generally respond much more to women who challenge them and that have higher standards and require a higher investment in effort. This is because men generally fall in love by giving love… not by receiving it. So, you telling him how handsome he is won’t probably mean much to him beyond it being a momentary ego stroke. And saying he’s a cut above other guys just communicates that your expectations of him aren’t high since he’s already exceeded your expectations from the get-go without any real challenge. And this subtly communicates that you’re lower in value than he is because you’re looking up to him. It’s actually much more effective to be a bit cheeky and tease him a bit (albeit on inconsequential things or patently false things that won’t register as an actual insult). For example, if a woman and a man are talking about going to the gym. And the guy says he can bench 200 lbs. And the woman jokes that it’s not that big of a deal because she can bench 500 lbs. Not only does it give a good opportunity for laughter and banter… it also shows a kind of confidence that she’s willing to challenge him a bit. So, that kind of thing could be good to try. But the main thing is to lean back a bit and wait to see what he does. The egg doesn’t chase the sperm. If you lean back a bit and let him do the work, it will give him some space to woo you and chase you… IF he’s really interested. But if he’s not really that interested, he will move on. Either way, it is a win-win for you… even if it might feel like it’s not. And when you lean back, you must not do so to manipulate him into some particular outcome. Do it because that is what’s going to be better for you. And you give low investment guys the space to sort themselves from your consideration… and you give the guys you like who are willing to invest in you the space to “earn” your affections.

Usually you can sense a person’s ambivalence in a case like that of the OP.

It’s especially common in men because of the societal mythos around personal validation coming from having sex with very attractive women. There’s tons of messaging that tells boys/men… to be valid, you have to be a man. And to be a man, you have to have sex with lots of attractive women. So, tons of men end up feeling like they’re not living up to the masculine standards enough and feel shame…. Which creates a desire to seek validation through the conquest of women. But the transference element is equally common in both men and women. It just doesn’t tend to take that form as often in women because our societal mythos is so different and often contradictory. (I.e. Everyone wants women to be sexual, but when you are you get slut shamed) So the transference tends to happen differently for different women. It isn’t as predictable of a projection pattern as it is for men. But neither of these inherently entails consciously bullshitting your partner. It’s about feeling like some key to your happiness/salvation is being impeded by being in a relationship. It gives the illusion that the cure to your soul sickness exists in romantic or sexual validation from others. Some people dealing with these issues really love their partners and feel very torn… but still have this fantasy of getting validation outside the relationship can’t be achieved within it.

This is a really romanticized and unhelpful way to think about having children… mostly because it equates romantic passion with the desire for the act of raising children. And a person could want the former without truly wanting the latter… and be tempted to engage with the former anyway as an expression of passionate love. Also, some people just don’t want kids. And that doesn’t mean that they love their partners any less. It’s just not right for their life. And when you equate procreation/sex with passionate love in such an exacting way, it can lead to reckless family planning decisions and an adversarial relationship to birth control. Also, it is unwise to breathe children into existence as a testament to their parents love and passion in the heat of a moment. It’s important to really understand the child as independent of being an expression of love for the other parent.

Probably high school seniors

Maybe… but her make-up look probably only takes like 15-20 minutes because it’s fairly simple. Perhaps she spends all day in the mirror preening throughout the day. But it really isn’t necessary to have this look.

Why would anyone be upset that you’re attracted to blondes? It’s not sexist to state a preference as long as you’re not saying “non-blondes are garbage” or “all women need to dye their hair blonde” or something like that. It would be like a woman saying, I prefer ginger guys… or guys who are tall, dark, and handsome. Or I like if I prefer husky bearded men or tall, skinny guys. It’s just an aesthetic preference. And everyone has them.

It would be very upsetting. That’s one of the main reasons that breaking up would be a good idea as it would allow her the ability to find someone else. But these feelings are common to come up for people… especially men who are conditioned to equate their self-worth with sexual validation from attractive women. And this mythos is very commonly reinforced by society. Plus, there could be other more personal dynamics at play… like transferring the need for parental validation onto women. And this, always seeking new women to validate them… like feeding a hungry ghost. And there is a dynamic that I call ‘relationship mirages’ where a person goes seeking for repressed aspects of themselves in another person. But once they know that person, that person becomes a poor screen to project their repressed traits upon. And so, they go seeking another blank screen. Some brand new person. And the cycle continues. But as triggering as this can be, it’s important to understand these dynamic are complex and never consciously chosen. And they are not something that a person can just decide not to want. And shame only exacerbates the issue. These dynamics require a lot of deep work or the person afflicted will never feel truly content in a relationship… even if they really want one.

I have two children… one is 11 and the other will be 8 next month. And I’ve been a mom since I was 22. And I find that the way I could describe how this has impacted my personal development is in the statement, “The obstacle is the path” Taking care of another human being is difficult and it matures you in ways that you can’t mature otherwise. And you learn a lot about family and the cycle of life. And it can be a limiting factor. I can’t just go and travel and go on spiritual retreats willy nilly. And I have to focus on what’s best for them, which sometimes requires sacrifice. That said, the sacrifice and limitation is also a learning experience. I feel that my personal development has shaken out differently than it would have had I not had kids. But I suspect that things are probably equivalent as I don’t see many non-parents that I’d describe as more developed than me for their independent focus. I don’t feel behind in any way. Plus, I will have two adult children at age 43. So, if I want to, I can spend my 40s doing all the independent adventurous things that were not possible in my 20s as a young parent.

This type of thing creates a weak foundation for the relationship, because it puts things in a double bind. Part of him wants the relationship to continue. And part of him wants to seek experiences with other women. And if you chase two rabbits, you catch none. This drive could come from a desire for experience which can eventually be satiated. Or it could come from a psychological dynamic around shame and the desire for validation, which can be understood and unwired with deeper work. But until one or both of these things happen, the biggest nightmare will be if a romantic relationship is going well. And part of him will hope for its demise. And this is not a good relationship to be in for either partner. His girlfriend will feel this ambivalence and it may create insecurity. And I view it as a relationship best practice that a woman should not stay with a man who doesn’t properly appreciate her. Let her find someone who is sure about her.

Break up with her, and let her find someone else who does find her attractive. That’s the first thing. But if you want to explore into this and not run into the same problem in your next relationship, then you’ll have to figure out exactly what need this fantasy is serving. Once you know where the fantasy is coming from, you can figure out what you’re really looking for and can go directly toward it. Edit: I suppose you can work through this in this relationship if you really want to keep it going. But it’s common for people who have this issue to exhaust the fantasy and find it empty of what they’re looking for. And you probably won’t be able to do that in a relationship.

@mr_engineer Well. Good luck in love and life. With those philosophies, you’ll need it.

Yeah, exactly. A lot of these types of chest-thumping anti-woman positions have to do with deep levels of insecurity, powerlessness, and shame. They project certain powers to validate/invalidate men’s existence onto women that women don’t actually have… and then they feel small and threatened and get aggressive as a result. And these types of guys choose the fight response to try to solve that internal problem. And they try to make women smaller in their minds in any way they can. And they become like glass cannons… dishing it out constantly but being unable to take it. I never met a man who felt good about himself who was hung up about women or the existence of Feminism.

Go ahead and report me if you want to. All I said is that you’re imagining battles with women in your head that don’t actually exist in reality. And that you have an issue with victim’s mentality. And none of the moderators nor Leo will disagree with me. They’ll tell you the exact same thing.

Some Feminists might do that. But others not so much. If you knew the first thing about Feminism, you’d know that it’s not a monolith and that there are many things that Feminists fiercely debate. As for what Teal said about containment, it can be difficult to grapple with distinguishing your genuine desires/needs and what has been constructed specifically to oppress women. The reality is that women have historically been oppressed on the basis their femininity… as well as any divergence from feminine societal norms. So, their femininity has been constructed into narratives that both idealize and disempower them. These are constructed in such a way that applies a limiting narratives to women and femininity in general. So, it is designed to squelch the feminine power. So, if women are feminine, they get disrespected and infantilized. And if women stray from those narratives in certain ways, they are judged a shrewish and masculine. There’s really no way for women to win in this conceptualization. And that’s the whole point of these narratives to give women no philosophical foundation for power and personal sovereignty. So, women tend to have a fraught relationship to their femininity because of these patriarchal narratives around femininity. And less conscious Feminists can have perspectives that simply rebel from anything that resembles the patriarchal narrative to get as far from it as possible. But more conscious Feminists often look to separate the wheat from the chaff in terms of what is conditioned in as a result of patriarchy versus what is their genuine desire. And this requires a lot of introspection. So if a woman wants to be contained/held by her partner… this can bring up feelings of powerlessness and shame if she hasn’t unpacked her own femininity and personal sovereignty from those limiting narratives and hasn’t debunked the notions of masculine supremacy.

What battle? You’re imagining battles in your head that don’t exist.

The philosophy behind chivalry is itself a form of benevolent sexism because it’s a system of expectations placed upon men to live up to that maintains the patriarchal narrative. But it is nice when a man is just kind because it’s part of his character, as opposed to living up to some arbitrary standard of chivalry. And there is nothing wrong with men playing more traditionally masculine roles if it resonates with them. But the notion of chivalry itself is steeped in benevolent sexism.

So much victim’s mentality in this post. You’re shadow boxing with imaginary people in your head.

I was responding to what you said. So I assumed that you did put at least enough emotional weight into the topic to want to put in your two cents.

That’s in a scenario where your species or tribe is about to be annihilated. You’ll want to keep the women alive then to re-populate. But in a life-boat scenario, that logic doesn’t apply there because there are plenty of people to keep society going.

There are some general differences that can be noticed. But there is a reason why men try to exaggerate these differences and that women tend to downplay them. It’s mostly because the patriarchal forces in society take a handful of genuine differences betweenness men and women, exaggerates them, and weaves them into a male supremacy and dominance narrative that tells a story of why men are more entitled power than women just by virtue of being men. And it soothes the soul sickness of men who feel shame and powerlessness by constructing a reassuring narrative where they are better and more powerful just by virtue of being male. And it makes it pretty impossible for women to embrace their femininity around men who do this because it automatically puts the woman on the defensive. And that’s because their femininity gets used as an insult and as a means to impose a narrative that strips them of power. And then the very same men are like “Women aren’t feminine anymore. It’s must be those pesky Feminists.” They look everywhere but themselves.

Exactly. It also communicates to men that they are responsible for being stoic and invulnerable. And this creates a ton of resentment for men towards women... because they perceive that women are allowed to be human and vulnerable in a way that they are not. And this creates tons of shadowy behaviors towards women in men who ascribe to these benevolently sexist ideas. They are jealous and get competitive, catty, and spiteful for what they perceive as a privilege. But the price that women pay for this ‘privilege’ is to have our capabilities questioned and our autonomy restricted under the guise of protection… all while a significant portion of the male population tries to drag us off the pedestal that they projected onto us.

Somewhat different than what you guys are talking about. But one thing that’s interesting is that the general tastes of men in poorer societies do favor bigger women. They did a study of men and women around the world in a variety of sociology-economic statuses. In poorer societies, the women favored hyper-masculine men with big muscles, narrow eyes, and barreled chests. And the men favored chubbier women. In wealthier societies, the women favored men who have a mixture of masculine and feminine traits (like most Hollywood actors). And the men favored thinner women.