Emerald

@Leo Gura Were there any other Youtube channel ideas that you came up with before settling on creating Actualized.org, or did the idea come to you as one whole inspiration? What were the other names you were debating on if any? Thanks.

My reasons for wanting enlightenment are to be free from fear of death and imaginary suffering. I also want to be in touch with wisdom and subtler experiences of knowing. Ultimately, I want enlightenment so that I can feel free. This was a feeling that I only ever felt during my experiences of ego transcendence. I was free from the heavy burden of carrying around my imaginary friend I called Emerald. After setting Emerald down, I realized how much I hated to carry her everywhere. It was a lot of sacrifice to protect, sustain, and create an imaginary person. You cannot help but be one infinite being because that is what you are. I just want to release resistance to this and see reality for what it is. I don't wish to change anything about my life except my perceptions of it and my relationship to it. It is not a race to disappear, as the rational mind thinks. It is to truly become what you've always been. There is a good quote that I'll paraphrase. "Before enlightenment, dishes, laundry, and plowing; After enlightenment, dishes, laundry, and plowing." The details of your life don't change with enlightenment. You still live as a person. Don't let this man's story scare your ego. Enlightenment won't make you do anything against your own will. There are no obligations to being enlightened. It is simply a realization of your true nature. But there are no lighter stages of being awake, and there is no state 'after' enlightenment. Enlightenment is a realization of what is. There can't be anything more than what is. If you're afraid of death now, the only real remedy for this fear is to transcend the ego. It is only the ego that dies in death. Once the ego is seen through, death ceases to be scary. It is just another part of the beautiful cycle of nature that is couched within your consciousness.

You're welcome.

I'm not sure if what he's saying is legitimate. He could truly be a charlatan. But if he's legitimately enlightened, I'm not sure that this feeling is explicitly linked to his enlightenment. Intuitions becomes stronger when the illusion of self is seen through because there is no background fear obscuring it. He could be having a feeling that physical death is coming near, but this doesn't necessarily relate to enlightenment. It may just be intuition. Although, Sadhguru does say that sometimes an enlightened person will die because they don't have anything keeping them in their physical form, but that this is offset by grounding yourself in some ways to the physical. One example he gave is developing a fixation on food. But this idea likely comes from the Buddhist idea that once a person reaches enlightenment, the "soul" doesn't need to reincarnate again. So, it would make sense that a person who reaches enlightenment no longer needs to be embodied. But I have my doubts about this aspect of Buddhist philosophy. It seems to me that this comes from rational, hierarchical thinking and a potentially false belief in a separate soul. It seems like a story used to rationalize the reason behind enlightenment in a way that categorizes/labels people... in a way that's reminiscent of the Hindu Caste System. I believe that there is no separateness to souls at the "highest" level of consciousness, there is just one infinite thing that encompasses all things. So, in this way our separate nature as a human being is like being a wave in an ocean. There really isn't a separate wave from the ocean, and when the wave dies there is no separate wave to be found. Everything just gets mixed together and remains in a constant state of change. All separateness is illusion including the separation of matter and spirit and separation of spirit and spirit But take what I have to say with a grain of salt, this is just the way that I've come to understand things.

I subbed! Good luck.

I would say that the limitations are from Buddha's perspective being one of extremes. First he was extremely rich and powerful. Then he was an Ascetic. So, he referred to his enlightenment as the middle path. This gives the impression that living modestly is what Buddhism is about, but this will not produce enlightenment in itself. So, this would be a limitation that would make it difficult for an average, modern, and/or Western person to relate to unless they dived deeply into Buddhism

That's true. I unconsciously choose suffering every time. But with consciousness, no one would choose suffering because they would realize that there is nothing to be lost in giving up the ego.

I would say that suffering v. non- suffering is universally preferable from the individual human perspective. But neither is any more correct or significant. But if it comes down to the choice of suffering v. non-suffering; I'll choose non-suffering every time.

Notice how this comes from fear and insecurity, but not enjoyment, intimacy, or a genuine expression of your sexuality. I'm very interested in sexuality in general, and thus I've seen a lot of videos and posts from this vain of thinking. To me, it's absolutely ridiculous and very sad... this is no judgment of character, just judgment of the social pattern. Now, the PUA methods are likely to be effective because most people are low consciousness and trying to find a partner based on the mirroring effect. Men are interested in sleeping with women because it is temporary proof to show themselves that they are powerful. Women are interested in men being interested in them because it is temporary proof to show themselves that they are desirable. So, the partner is only a mirror for proof of one's own significance, and a temporary fix from feelings of insecurity, loneliness, and unworthiness. But for me, a man being a decent person is a 100% requirement to get my consideration. Warm-hearted men who are calm, encouraging, and positive get an exponential bump in attractiveness level. I'm married now, but this is still true. Being an asshole = Being a loser. Even when I was a child, I noticed how a bad personality killed a person's looks and attractiveness. It may be the case that nice guys don't get as many hook-ups as assholes... but consider why assholes get more women to bed. It's not because women like them more or are more attracted to them... it's just that assholes are pushier and a lot of women have issues with setting boundaries and have tons of insecurities. Most women feel yucky about these types of encounters after the fact. Do you really want to be someone's regret? So, my advice is to define your worth based on so much more than your attractiveness to women. Use sex for procreation, emotional connection, and/or physical pleasure. Self-esteem issues don't belong there. Also, I feel like there's this notion that women hold all the cards in the dating/sex game. This simply isn't true. Most women don't even know what they want from sex because female sexuality and sexual motivation isn't very well understood in our society. So, women use male sexuality as a basis for understanding their own, and thus can only imagine themselves from the second person perspective of sex. I hope this was helpful.

Definitely, these are some of the traps of 'seeking' enlightenment. Seeking means that you haven't found something but will find it in the future which is antithetical to enlightenment. Also, being enlightened is just as insignificant as being unenlightened. Thinking that you will add value to yourself by becoming enlightened is just another trap. But a word of caution, don't let your thoughts talk you out of waking up. The ego loves to derail progress.

Authenticity is key. So, make sure that whatever you improve about your speech and mannerisms doesn't obscure your natural personality. But you can find a way to filter your authentic identity through use of engaging public speaking techniques. I'm also fairly new to Youtube. Here is a video that I enjoyed about public speaking. Good luck! What is the link to your channel, by the way? I'll check it out.

The nature of living from the ego is to lie constantly. It is the only way to maintain identification with the self-concept. You have to be constantly deceiving yourself simply to protect the imaginary ego from imaginary dangers. When I had my second enlightenment experience, I realized that I was constantly lying to myself. I considered myself radically honest too. I'd go to great lengths simply to tell the 100% truth to everyone I encountered. I was obsessed with honesty. I wanted desperately to be seen as a 'man of my word,' so to speak. But then when I saw through my ego, I saw that I had no real capacity to be honest with others because I had no capacity to be honest with myself... and I didn't even realize it. That's the nature of being in a low consciousness state. So, don't sweat it. You don't have to force yourself to stop lying... just become conscious of your own lies. I guarantee you that you lie at least 10 times more than you realize. Consider it human nature and don't fret too much over it. But as you become more aware the ego will soften, and real honesty will become a possibility for you. For now, it is likely too big of a stretch. So, don't beat yourself up... just watch and be mindful.

I don't have many lucid dreams, but I used to be really interested in them when I was 15. If I do though, I'll definitely keep your advice in mind. Thanks. In order to have an OBE, you get to Sleep Paralysis mode and start paying attention to the vibration/buzzing sounds that accompany it. You can change the speed of this vibration by paying attention to it and intending to change it. I'm not sure if there's even a subtle movement to go along with changing it or if it's sensitive to your intent. I think it's a subtle movement in the inner ear but it's difficult for me to tell. When you get to a certain point where the vibration becomes more stable, you can either try to sit up, float up, or project yourself from your body. If you've gotten to Sleep Paralysis to go into lucid dream mode think about this being the mirror opposite of that. Instead of mindfully dipping down into sleep and dream state, you stay awake and get up to move around. The trick is not to move any muscles on your body while doing it. I have a video all about it giving the scientific explanation, metaphysical explanation, advice for having and OBE, and my first experience with Sleep Paralysis. I hope that it's helpful.

Absolutely. First off, don't be afraid of not finding your way back. This is impossible. In this way, OBE works like a dream even though it feels very different. You just snap right back into yourself, similar to how you would wake up. You don't have to backtrack or anything like that. It's instantaneous. Chances are you will have the opposite problem of not being able to stay out of body. This is what I struggle with, if I get too excited, rigid, etc. Sometimes I'll accidentally move my actual body when trying to get up and will completely waste my OBE experience. Now, there is a chance that you'll run into creepy things during OBE and Sleep Paralysis. This will happen when you go into the experience afraid or feeling uneasy. I've had a bunch of these types of experiences. They aren't fun... but they're fun to talk about later on. I mostly ran into these unpleasant experiences as a result of being afraid, thinking that I snapped myself out of the experience, and then getting up and out of the room that I'm sleeping in. I would be thinking that I'm heading to the refrigerator to get something to eat or to turn on the TV to distract myself from the experience and then Screamfest 2016! Very few times did my scary experiences happen when I was conscious of having an OBE. It was almost always by accident. My recommendation for avoiding scary experiences is to not attempt to leave your body from the Sleep Paralysis state when you feel scared or uneasy. About half the time when I get Sleep Paralysis, I feel uncomfortable so I just snap myself out of it by moving the small muscles in my abdomen. You can also try to move your fingers and toes. Most of the time, I can get back to sleep without the high pitched buzzing noise and paralysis coming back. I also keep my eyes closed during this time. What you can't see, can't scare you. But if you're scared, go back to sleep and don't try to get up and leave the room as you will likely be out of body and not realize it. One time when I did this, I encountered a large man made entirely out of twisted up long black braided screws. No face or features... just mangled up long black screws. If you feel comfortable enough to open your eyes and look around the room during Sleep Paralysis, this is a sign that your experience will likely be more pleasant. But if there is any ounce of fear or uneasiness, just snap yourself out of it. But remember that moving small muscles will help you get out of it very quickly. This next bit might scare you even more but situations like this have come up for me a few times before. Remember not to interact with friends or family members after experiencing sleep paralysis if their personality or life details seem off to you. Let them know that you realize that it isn't them. About a year and half ago, I had an experience where my mother had gotten home from work in the middle of the night. I started talking to her like normal but realized a few seconds later that my mom neither works in the middle of the night nor lives with me. So, as soon as "my mom" realized that I figured it out, it floated sidelong into the other bedroom while maintaining empty eye-contact with me the whole time. Creepy stuff. But these types of situations happen a lot less frequently now. The more that I learn and the more positive that I am, less comes up for me that's scary. So, in waking life try practicing positive focus and other activities to improve your emotional state. Also, there are many New Age based ideas about "raising your frequency" that are said to help avoid such entities... the idea here is that a high frequency being can't share a space with a low frequency being. I haven't tried many of them, so I would experiment and see what works for you. Also, daytime out of body experiences are a lot less scary. So, you can try to induce them in the middle of the daytime too. I hope this was helpful. Wishing you happy travels.

I've always had mixed impressions of Teal Swan. On one hand, she's really intelligent and super helpful. On the other hand, there is something about her persona that makes me a bit uncomfortable. I don't think it has to do with her background or anything. I think it's more of a shadow thing on my part. Like I've repressed traits that she has... or something of that nature. I'm hoping that I can help people with the content I put out. To be honest, at this point, aspiring to be a spiritual teacher feels a bit out of reach from where I presently am. But I can't deny that it felt really good to hear Teal Swan say that it was my life purpose. I have had the idea in the back of my head since I was 12. Thanks again!

It was a lot of fun. Mooji seems like a very loving person. I'm sure that would be a great experience.

Hi! I wrote a blog about my experiences. I also shot a video review about the workshop itself. When I post it, I'll put it on this thread as well. Conversations with Teal Swan: Fear and Decision Making So, over the weekend, I went to one of Teal Swan’s synchronization workshops in Orlando. It was my first time going to see her and it was a really awesome experience. If you get the chance, I highly recommend it. (Conversation with Teal Swan and I regarding Out of Body Experiences after the synchronization workshop in Orlando.) In the past, I’ve had a bit of a resistance to New Age spirituality or anything too much on the metaphysical side. So, when I first saw her videos about two years ago, I had a strong attraction/aversion reaction. But I pushed through it and continued watching her videos (albeit with the lights out and the blinds shut. J/K), which mostly offer psychological and spiritual help through the metaphysical lens. It was SOOO helpful for me, that I truly credit her work for helping me get through one of toughest times in my life. I probably wouldn’t even be in a place to be bettering myself and making blogs and videos without the clarity that her videos have given me. She really helped me pick myself out of some deep psychological traps that I had been caught up in for years, due to a lack of deep understanding. Despite this, to say that I don’t still have a lot of fear relative to New Age spirituality would be untrue. So, if I look at that under a microscope, what do I find? Am I actually averse to New Age spirituality itself… No. I’m afraid of the social stigma associated with being seen as ‘Woo Woo’ or gullible. The truth of the matter is that I really love the idea that there is more to this reality than what it appears at face value. I’ve always, since childhood, had an attraction to anything magical. It is only my social persona that I’m watching out for. I also have Out of Body Experiences, that I try to stay open minded and closed mouthed about in daily life. So, when I met with Teal Swan in person after the workshop, I asked her a question about an Out of Body Experience that I had had with her in it about two months prior that I wrote about in an earlier blog. (It's my blog from January 18th if you want to check it out.) I asked her if it was really her that I was seeing or simply a thought projection that I internally projected upon my experience. She said that it was indeed her, and that we had met Out of Body about 25 times prior over the course of the past two years. She said that I had come here for a similar purpose to why she came here: to be a spiritual teacher. So, I felt intensely happy to be validated in that way, but then immediately deflated because I didn’t want to feel gullible and I certainly didn’t want other people to think that of ME. It’s all ego. My egoic fear sapped me of my joy once again. It’s a huge problem. I like to pay a lot of lip service to being radically open minded, but I have a lot of issues with this when it comes to my reputation. I like to be able to think that I can hold space for contradictory opinions or different viewpoints on reality without clinging to beliefs in either direction. My policy is to neither believe nor disbelieve something, if I don’t have a firsthand experience of it in the present moment. But my ego gets in the way of this, and always wants me to fit and acquiesce to the social situation at hand, nullifying my unique perspective and connection to my wisdom. It’s hard to shake free of this tendency to try to sell myself to others. So, the next day, I went to one of the local parks in Orlando to meet up with the volunteers who worked at the event as well as a few other attendees at the workshop. I was pleasantly surprised to see Teal there too. And I spent about two hours with her and about 15 other people... (and got a pretty gnarly sunburn on my arms). Everyone there was really nice and open minded. Normally, I feel that I have to keep myself to myself to fit in, but there was no such issue here. (Volunteer Potluck at Clear Lake Park with Teal Swan. I am the one with the purple shirt) But then a conversation came up where I was the odd man out: vaccines. I got both of my kids vaccinated. But it didn’t feel good given my older sister’s allergic reaction to the Pertussis in the DTP shot back in 1974. She had petite mal seizures which left her with many developmental delays. In many ways she has the personality and interests of an 8 year old and she has to live with my mother to this day. So, I did a lot of research on vaccines from the establishment and from those against the establishment. Both explanations made sense to me logically and rationally. Ultimately, I decided that not getting them vaccinated would feel even worse to me. I’d rather my children risk being mentally challenged than risk them being sick with a fatal disease. My sister is at least happy. If I could have chosen to both vaccinate and not vaccinate at the same time, I would have. But of course, this isn’t possible. A decision had to be made. So, I decided to do all the vaccines except the Pertussis. This always to me felt like a game of Russian Roulette during that time. Both options felt like a huge risk, with my kids’ futures at stake. Plus, some of the nurses at the Health Department and at my regular doctor's office got super judgmental and invalidating, which was very painful to me. They were denying that my sisters seizures were caused by the vaccines, which is just untrue. They happened directly after the vaccines and it even says on the American Academy of Pediatrics website that this is a rare but possible side effect. But I digress... Now, Teal Swan is a huge opponent of vaccines, and I was fangirling out so I wanted her to like me. I didn’t want to make a bad impression. So, I was tempted to do the same type of social survival that I would normally engage in with the more mainstream social group. I was tempted to keep myself to myself. But given Teal’s ideology on authenticity I decided to be honest, and ask a question to Teal that had been on my mind before many times in the past and to use the vaccine topic as an example and springboard for that. I told her that I decided to vaccinate, but wanted to know how to discern between two binary options when both sides seem wrong to you emotionally but both sides seem right to you rationally. I would either have to exercise faith in the medical establishment or exercise faith in the anti-establishment. Neither of which do I have much faith in… I’m a bit of an iconoclast in that way. Both would certainly be biased by their own ideologies. So, it’s always going to be basing a decision on second-hand information. She recommended to me relative to vaccines to get the vaccines myself prior to giving my kids the vaccines, so that I could experience my personal physiological reactions to them. Then make my decision from there. I found this to be sound advice, although my kids have already gotten almost all of their vaccines that they will ever have to get. I don’t plan on having any more kids, but if I do, I’ll definitely consider this as an option. But later she gave me the answer to let go of fear relative to the issue, whether it be vaccines or any other issues where I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. Essentially, both options for me involved huge amounts of fear… especially with my sister’s reaction. So, I think that for me, this has been a major issue throughout the course of my life. Fear is always in the background for me, subtly lurking there and blocking me off from my innate wisdom. It is the only thing that keeps me back from happiness, joy, love, and all the other positive emotions. It is the thing that makes me deny what is most natural to me and what really feels authentic to me. It’s like all the best food and drink is ruined by a subtle nasty after-taste that won’t go away. The only time I ever got clarity was during my two ego-transcendence experiences where there was no separate me to actually protect. So, there was no fear and wisdom naturally came to me. There was no such thing as an unwise decision. I would imagine that I’d know which option truly felt right to me, if I could just get that clarity and drop away my fear. I’m sure that I would embrace whatever was of interest to me too, and I would never worry about what others would think because there really isn’t any value in that in the first place.

I see. I do often talk about my experiences. They are my only frame of reference, and they are safe for the ego. I think I'm a lot like a kid trying to avoid sleep by asking for a drink of water in that way. I sidetrack myself through intellectual bypassing. But I suspect that there are similarities and differences between what I experienced and living in the enlightened paradigm. More obviously, I wouldn't be experiencing a body-high and hallucinations in daily life. This was purely the effect of the drug. But I suspect that the letting go of neuroses and fears aspect would be part of it, which is what I really want at the end of the day. I want to really live and not just strive and sacrifice for the imaginary friend that I call Emerald.

No worries. I appreciate bluntness, even if it stings the ego a bit. I suspect there's a great deal of subtle posturing that I do every time I engage in conversations about enlightenment to paint myself in a positive light. By the way, what is your background? How did you become enlightened?

I've read about half of it and it's great. They even reference it through the Eastern idea of Dharma, which is basically your life purpose. So, if you're centered in your Dharma, it becomes best to practice it with a warriors resolve and be un-swayed by the opinions of others.

Be kind but also be firm in your boundaries. Say no often. Stick to your guns. Show yourself love and respect. Don't self-sacrifice.

No. I would say that he's intellectually familiar with many of the philosophies in New Age spirituality. But his ego is quite strong and he has a lot of neurotic tendencies.

I would cherry-pick advice from it, when it's applicable and helpful. But to swallow it whole would be absolutely horrible and unnecessary. I have it too. It's great for people-pleasers and understanding how cut-throat people and powerful people often operate. But in my opinion, exorbitant amounts of power are unnecessary. A little bit goes a long way.

That's true. I'm personally very attached to these experiences because they were so pivotal for me. I currently live under the illusion of ego, but these experiences were a small taste of non-duality that changed the course of my life. So, in many ways, it's just another ego game and getting to feel understood when (prior to conversing with others who have had similar experiences) no one else in life gets it. But it is likely an outgrowth of more self-lies, distraction, clinging to dogmas and frameworks, and ego protection. But I'm trying to be mindful. Thank you. Those experiences really changed my life in many ways for the better, even though there were some problematic outcomes of assimilating the memories from the higher state of consciousness back to the lower state of consciousness.

I didn't continue with the drug because it was very apparent while under the effect of it that I didn't need the drug to be in that state of consciousness. I knew that it was better to develop higher consciousness naturally, instead of using the substance as a crutch. This insight was a natural outgrowth of being in touch with wisdom which comes from the ability to be honest with oneself in a way that's impossible from the egoic mindset. The only reason why I did it one more time after the first was because my life was in dire straights and I wanted an escape and to get clarity about the situation. Prior to trying Ayahuasca, I used to smoke Marijuana on a regular basis from the time I was 13 to the time I was 20. When I tried the Ayahuasca and my separate identity dissolved, I realized that I never enjoyed Marijuana or the drugish lifestyle but that I was lying to myself and using it as an identity enhancer to fit a particular persona. I thought doing drugs was part of what made me interesting and therefore significant. I imagined myself with a chaotic life that was more of a work of art, like Hunter S. Thompson or someone like that. Prior to my non-dual experiences, I lived my life as though someone were making a movie of it. I would invite a lot of chaos into my life for the sake of making a more interesting life story. I was really interested in creating a legacy to help me run from the reaper. Ironically, this is what lead me to try the Ayahuasca. I wasn't looking for a transcendental experience when I first tried it. I was practically an atheist and hyper-rational. I just wanted another novel experience to add value and interest to my life-story. But what I got was so much more than I bargained for, and I saw through my many pretenses that I had been completely unconscious to prior to that. I realized that my striving and struggling against death was making me neurotic and causing me to suffer every single moment of my life. So, I quit clinging to that drugee identity afterward, and all drugs and my desire to do them naturally fell out of my life. I haven't done any drugs for over six years now. So, ironically enough, Ayahuasca was my anti-drug.