Emerald

Hello Everyone! I do an Ayahuasca ceremony once per year in the Spring. And I just had my yearly Ayahuasca ceremony a couple weeks ago. To preface this, it has been revealed to me in previous ceremonies that the purpose of my life is mercy. And that I came from a point of God's consciousness that felt totally overwhelmed by the infinite. So, it created Emerald as an imperfect, ordinary, finite being as a vacation for God's consciousness from the perfect, extraordinary, and infinite. And along with these insights showed me that I (and all of the finite) is a precious gem in its eyes as it is through me (and other finite beings) that beauty and meaning can be derived. Another thing I had learned in previous ceremonies is that there is a generational trauma pattern that goes through my matrilineal line around betrayal. And this has created a dynamic in my mother, myself, and my daughter where we all feel like we have to have perfect knowledge... because we don't trust God, the universe, ourselves, or anyone else. So, we must have the omniscience of God... because of this lack of trust so that we can avoid the betrayal that we expect at every turn (from our mothers and from God itself). And this presents itself in different ways for all of us... but the trauma is the same. My mom convinces herself that she's absolutely right and will sacrifice everything so that she can maintain the idea that she's correct and therefore righteous. I am never certain that I'm right or righteous about anything, so I've spent every spare moment of my life compulsively questioning everything about everything ad infinitum in hopes that I can finally find the truth... only to find nothing solid to grasp. And my daughter will never guess at anything unless she's 200% certain that she knows... so it takes here about 4-5 times longer than her peers to finish her school work. Here is what happened with the medicine I went in with the intention to forgive my mom for the ways she's hurt me. My mom is a very fabulous mother to children under the age of 8. She's attentive and really sees the child as a special apple of her eye and she will do anything for them. And this was the treatment that I got until I was 8 and she was my favorite person in the world... shy of maybe my paternal grandma. And that's when I started to develop a mind of my own that wasn't exactly like hers. And this began to trigger the fear of not possessing infinite knowledge. And (to avoid getting into too many details) led her to become tyrannical and infantilizing at first to try to keep me in her narrative... trying to keep me from growing up. Then, eventually (at age 12) when she saw that she couldn't control me and I was challenging her logic, she cut me out of her life and I went to go live with my dad. And she didn't talk to me for a year or two at a time at various points during my pre-teens, teens, and earlier adulthood. So, I wanted to forgive her because I'm still angry and hurt by this... given that it was a total rug-pull and pendulum swing. And I've been expecting that of God ever since... and continuously questioning everything so that I am not blind-sided in case all of reality and everything I think I know was actually a trick of the devil.... and eventually it will be revealed that I've been in hell the whole time and all the direct experiences of God's mercy were all just a trick. I've experienced God in my medicine journeys many many times... and I always convince myself afterwards that it could just be an illusion... even though I believe it's real deep down. I'm just always spinning my wheels with a lack of trust and constant questioning... expecting a betrayal from God. So, in this medicine experience... I woke up to God with me as an extension of its consciousness (as it often presents itself in my Ayahuasca journeys). And it exposed me (as it had done a couple times before) to infinite knowledge. And infinite knowledge in a finite being is hell... and is a large part of why God decided to manifest part of its consciousness as Emerald in the first place because part of its consciousness could not handle the exposure to the infinite mind and infinite heart. And when I was exposed to the infinite knowing, I had to actively choose to forget the infinite knowledge and to choose to be Emerald again and again. It was showing me that the birth of meaning and beauty comes from choosing finiteness. And if you can choose between being finite and infinite... it's wisest to choose to be finite. And when I was choosing to be Emerald I was going through the labor pains of birthing myself and the entirety of the world into existence as the finite. The labor pain was experienced as part of God extricating itself from the infinite to become finite. And I had to keep doing this as I would lose connection to the finite and slip off into the chaos of infinite knowing. And I'd have to trust God that it would choose to re-manifest Emerald again. And it communicated to me (I was also it so it was like another being was talking to me... but also like I was talking to myself)... and it told me that I can choose to trust it. And it was very understanding as to why I wouldn't trust it because the ways it works aren't easy or possible to grasp from the perspective of a finite being with a finite mind. But it said that I could choose to trust it. And it showed me how I/it manifests everything in my life with my own permission. And that I could trust myself to not subject myself to needlessly tragic circumstances. And that any negative circumstances that I have decided to manifest thus far have all come for the purpose of manifesting future positive outcomes. And it mentioned that the reason why some people experience intense tragedies is because it is part of the things they've come to learn and experience in this life... though it also specified that this is not always a compassionate truth to share when someone is deeply suffering. So, I could choose to trust God and myself (which were one and the same) to not have the universe do a sudden heal-turn and subject me to needlessly hellish circumstances and that I didn't have to be hyper-vigilant and know everything to avoid the heal-turn. It also showed me that I chose the whole entire dynamic with my mother... and that there was nothing to actually forgive. At a certain point in time, it showed me the reason for authoritarianism, bigotry, hatred, ignorance, and other forms of pettiness. The reason why is because most people don't value finiteness and limitation. And in lieu of consciously choosing to limit ourselves... we manifest authoritarian patterns that create unequal power imbalances. (my mom's infinite knowing tendency is a microcosm of this... but it plays out macrocosmically as well). And this works to stave off the chaos of the infinite and the suffering that entail... but it creates the suffering associated with constriction and repression. So... it was showing me that sovereignty and limitation are important to incorporate in the proper balance. That way, we don't fall over on one side of the horse and drown in the chaos of infinite knowledge and don't fall over on the other side of the horse and have our sovereignty squelched. It was also showing me (as it has before) how valuable and precious the finite is from the perspective of the infinite. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. And because God is infinite... the infinite is an infinitely heavy crown to wear. And the reason why God can do so effortlessly is that it has TONS of complex mechanisms for fragmenting itself and distributing the weight of the crown. This is ultimately where Emerald came from. This part of God's consciousness was overwhelmed by the crown. And so, it manifested Emerald as a very ordinary woman to hold a small portion of the crown from time to time. I'm certain the same is true for all finite forms. And it had shown me in a previous ceremony the consequences of identifying with extraordinariness and specialness and how existentially heavy and disconnecting that is. And then, when it re-integrated me with the ordinary, it was like all that weight got distributed to all of reality. So, in this ceremony it showed me how to hold the crown and pass it around to alleviate the weight of the gifts that I have been given. And this went from me recognizing that, during my ceremony, I was healing the world. And I proudly wore the crown for a moment. Then... I realized that I was actually just a side character in the whole story and that the random guy journeying next to me was healing the world. Then... I realized that it was actually the Yawanawa tribe that was healing the world. And I kept dispersing the crown across the whole net of humanity to disperse the weight of the crown... which is also important when it comes to having an experience of being God. You are God.... but then... you are also just a small side character in God's story. Then, this went on further... and I realized that my whole entire life was as a side character in one of my client's lives. And that all of my life purpose was just to serve that other person. Then... it shifted to me being a side character in one or two of my other client's lives. Then, it went to me being a side character in the guy next to me's life. And it was releasing all this pressure as I was embracing the anonymity and humility of the experience. Once I started to come back down where I was more in tune with the Emerald Aspect than I was with the God Aspect... I started to look at all the people journeying around me around the fire. And I was overjoyed to be surrounded by all these people. And I felt all this appreciation for all the people in my life. And it was a further solidification of the notion that, it is only through finiteness, imperfection, and separation that things like meaning and beauty and relationship can be experienced. At this point, I had totally forgotten the infinite knowledge and saw it was wisest to choose to be Emerald, to choose to be finite, to choose to be ordinary, to choose to be imperfect, and to choose to be feminine. (as I had to keep saying all throughout the ceremony) To give an analogy... if God is the peacock and I am the peahen... the peahen is drab and dull and ordinary from our perspective... but it is the most beautiful and precious creature on Earth from the perspective of the peacock itself. And in this sense, all finite beings are the peahens. And this allows us to experience an imperfectly beautiful and meaningful story. There was also a realization that the line between life and death is slight... and beyond that I could see all these other Emerald-related timelines I could live. And it was clear that I could live as Emerald for a zillion lifetimes if I wanted to as God could spin up my life any time it wanted to. So, that also let me know that I didn't have to worry about ultimate loss and having to die and facing the chaos of the infinite again.

I haven't been tagged in any posts from you that aren't peppered with ad hominem attacks about me. Every single post you've tagged me in has been full of personal attacks. And you've been posting lots of other posts to other people on the forum that are near-obsessively taking personal jabs at me. And I come here because I like to debate. I see this forum as an intellectual boxing match. And I enjoy sparring with people who have different perspectives than mine. I delight in a heated disagreement. So, I would love to debate with you on the merits of your argument. That's why I'm bending my own rules a bit and taking the time to tell you my boundaries and why I've not been engaging with you. And my rule is that I'm not going to engage in anything that's below the belt. Bad faith debate tactics are one of my bigger pet peeves because it prioritizes winning and being right over having a good debate. And even beyond this format, I just don't engage with people who are disrespecting me because it wouldn't be a self-loving thing to do.

You'll catch more bees with honey rather than vinegar. I'm bending my rule a little bit right now in responding to you. But I just don't read or engage with perspectives that are overtly disrespectful or peppered with ad hominem attacks. If you want me to engage you in discussion on the merits of your arguments, you're going to need to speak to me with maturity and respect... and like both you and I are adults.

Thank you

I've lived in Florida my whole life. And there are hurricanes hitting the state once or twice per year during hurricane season. But we just get used to them for the most part. The worst I've ever experienced is having my power out for several days. And that was only once out of the 20ish hurricanes I've experienced. It would be quite rare to experience really negative circumstances, unless you live right on the beach.

That's nice of you to check in. My family and I evacuated to South Carolina. We're back now. And the house is still here. So, that's always good.

What is it about me tending to be attracted to more average looking guys over very attractive guys that's disappointing to you? I'm not quite understanding why that would be a problem from your perspective.

I don't find that it devalues them. There are many attractive men that I value as people. I just tend to have platonic feelings for them.

I don't understand why you're trying to shoot arrows at me all the time and attack me personally. What did I do to you to deserve this unkindness?

Can you clarify what you mean? It doesn't seem to fit with what I was talking about. I was talking about feeling most secure, desired, and loved when a guy sees me as valuable and beautiful. And if a guy is very physically attractive, it brings up doubts that he will value me that way. And so, it makes me associate the idea of being with a male model-looking guy with feelings of awkwardness. Are you disappointed that I'm not attracted to guys that look like super models? Or are you interpreting that I don't let myself admire men in general? If so, this isn't true. I'm very attracted to the men that I get attracted to. It isn't like "Yay! He's a desperate pathetic fool. He'll like me. And I hate myself, so I have to pick from the bottom of the barrell." It's more like, "I really like a lot of things about him, and I find him physically attractive. But I recognize that he's a bit older than me or a little less conventionally attractive than me. So, he's going to be excited that I'm attracted to him." And being on the receiving end of that excitement is exciting to me.

I mean more attractive in a physical way specifically. And I mean from my perspective. And yes, they must have other attractive features, and they must be proximal to my level of physical attractiveness (the same or slightly less).

If I felt he was equally attractive as a woman compared to him as a man, it wouldn't bother me. I tend to see women as more physically attractive than men. My perception is that women are the peacocks of the species, and men are the peahens. This of course, is a social value. In Ancient Greece, they believed the opposite. So in my eyes, the most attractive woman is more attractive than the most attractive man. So if he and I were hypothetically equally attractive for our specific genders, I'd still see myself as more attractive because I am female and he is male. And it wouldn't create the awkward feeling.

I think a lot of people end up doing some version of this social strategy. It think it's a tendency that a lot of people with avoidant attachment have. The opposite social strategy is common as well but leans more towards anxious attachment. This is where people seek more attractive and higher status people to fit in with and be desired by to bolster their feelings of worthiness. And I have a friend who goes for guys who he perceives as more attractive than him. And it puts him more in an anxiously attached mode with these men as it makes him feel like he's on the back foot. But for me, I don't really value it when someone is more attractive than me. And I tend to find ways to be the peacock as that feels more secure to me, and I can relax and open up and be myself more.

It's not about the man being desperate. And I don't see myself as shit, though I have had issues with shame and belonging that probably play into this preference quite a bit. It's really about the man recognizing my value. I feel the most loved when I am valued and seen as beautiful in the eyes of another. There's this nice pleasant heart-opening feeling when I feel like the beloved of the relationship. And that feeling is what compels me the most towards romantic connection. And if I feel like he's more attractive than me, it will be difficult for me to feel like the beloved. And I won't be able to feel that heart opening and connecting will feel awkward.

Yes, that's the dynamic that feels secure and exciting to me in romantic contexts. I feel very loved and desired that way. I tend to do a version of this with friendships too. The people that I feel the most comfortable connecting with and gel the most with are the people who are on the same wavelength and who have a natural appreciation for my values and qualities on their own... prior to knowing that I exist. Because of my early social experiences of feeling misunderstood, alien, and devalued, I have a spidey-sense about who is going to value my qualities or devalue my qualities. And as much as I can, I avoid social contexts (platonic or romantic) that won't understand or recognize my value. This includes avoiding relationships with men that I feel are unlikely to perceive me as beautiful. And even back when I was in high school, I dressed in a way that would filter out the wrong ones for me and attract in the right ones for me. I used to dress in a relatively heavy goth style that I'd cobble together from thrift store finds. And it would repel a lot of people who thought I was weird, or a satanist, or a witch, etc.. But it would attract to me people who were more open minded and enjoyed my MO. So, because I was always feeling a bit like a fish out of water, there was this natural marketing knowledge that arose and a tendency to put myself out there as a beacon to draw in others who are on the same wavelength. And since high school, there is this niche marketing myself to a target audience that will appreciate me and repelling the wrong ones. And if a potential friend or lover doesn't feel like they're part of my "target audience" that will appreciate me, I will not feel very secure or excited connecting with them. And this strategy has worked pretty well for me romantically and platonically. The issue is that it can be a bit self-objectifying. But I know that this type of pattern also has come up for lots of my clients who have dealt with dynamics around shame, disconnection, abandonment, alienation, ostracisms, etc. People who generally have these needs met by family and friends, tend to feel less of a need to niche market themselves to a target audience as they already have a social fabric to connect in to. For those who have deficits in these areas, we have to do the leg work to find the ones that are cut from the same cloth.

I don't think I'm ugly. But I value feeling beautiful, especially in romantic contexts. And I would not feel beautiful with a guy who's prettier than me. Like I mentioned before, it would feel like the Feminine version of emasculation. My husband (who I have children with) is an attractive guy and was very classically handsome when we met 14 years ago. And our kids are a couple of cutie pies. But he's also about a decade older than me. So, I could still access the feeling of being desired as youth is widely considered more attractive than age. So, it still set up that dynamic of me as the more attractive person in the relationship despite being with an attractive guy.

That's difficult to choose for me. I'm really not attracted to Luis Guzman, though I can recognize how some women would be. But I would feel uncomfortable and ugly engaging romantically with Chico. And I would feel really gross. So, honestly neither as both would feel very uncomfortable to engage physically with for different reasons. If I had to choose I'd probably end up picking Luis Guzman because I think I'd be able to feel less self-conscious in that situation. But it still wouldn't be pleasant because I'm not attracted to him.

I suspect that this is common for many women. I know there are also many women who feel more attractive by finding a very attractive partner. But that would just make me feel weird. I much prefer a Fred and Wilma Flintstone kind of dynamic.

It's not about the guy's age. I'm only two years older than him. And I've been attracted to men who are slightly younger than me before. But I'm very unlikely to develop an attraction towards him because he's more attractive than me. And being physically involved with him would make me feel unattractive, which is a turn off. I have the same thing with average looking guys who brag about only being attracted to the hottest women. It just signals to me that my beauty won't be recognized or appreciated. So, there's like this automatic platonic feeling that arises in me that solidifies neutral feelings towards the man in question. I really need to feel like the pretty one in the relationship in order to feel desired and therefore open to connecting in that way. To me, one of the most exciting parts of connecting with a guy is the feeling of being desired and to have a sense that the guy feels like he's punching above his weight by winning my affections. So, I tend to go for men who are a little less physically attractive than I am OR who are the same level of attractiveness to me but 5-10 years older. With a really attractive guy like that, I don't get the sense that my beauty would be recognized and that I will be valued or cherished. And so, the thought of being physical with a really attractive guy feels unappealing to me despite the fact that I can recognize that he's classically handsome. It would just give me an icky feeling.

I already told you that I'd choose neither option. I'm not attracted to Luis, so that's a turn off for me. And Chico wouldn't be attracted to me, and that's a turn off for me. I'd feel ugly with him. I tend to go for guys who aren't as pretty as me, but who are also pretty enough for me. So, I'm the most attracted to average looking guys.

I do think the Chico guy is more attractive. But at the same time, I don't find either of those men particularly intriguing in that way... as I feel too attractive for one but not attractive enough for the other. Give me a guy who's more attractive than Luis and less attractive than Chico and you'd be striking my goldilocks zone for looks. Maybe the women are choosing Luis Guzman because they can imagine being desired and lusted after by him, and they view themselves as more proximal in attractiveness compared to him. It's hard for an average woman to imagine being desired by a male model-looking guy. And these types of guys end up in a similar category to gay men in the eyes of the average woman. They may be very attractive, but they're definitionally not interested in the average woman. And that's a turn off for the average woman. I would turn myself off if I was with a guy who I felt was significantly more attractive than me. It's not fun to feel like a toad next to a swan. It's somewhat like the Feminine version of emasculation. So, I could see lots of women going for the less attractive guy for that reason as women tend to be hypogamous with looks.

Thank you. And you're welcome.

The way I tend to express this insight is more like "Everyone has positive intentions towards what they consider as part of themselves." So, if a person has a very contracted sense of self where they see themselves as different from others, they can do all sorts of negative things to the "other" out of a positive intention to serve themselves, their loved ones, the "good" people, or whatever group they identify with. But upon the awakening to the senes of oneness that undergirds all things, there is a genuine good will towards all because there is no longer an illusion of the other. There is just a recognition of a singularity that has pure positive intention and unconditional love for itself. And it is this same unitive unconditional love that is at play underneath every vile act that's done to serve self by sacrificing the other. It is only when we're caught in the illusion that there is anything other than self, that we can cause this kind of harm. So, we could say that a serial killer has positive intentions because it makes them temporarily feel good/better when they kill and murder the "other". But it is only with the illusion of fragmentation of self and other that someone can feel better by harming the other. And if there was a greater awareness of that sense of oneness, no one could harm another without the sense of harming self. The same thing holds true for when we repress away parts of ourselves. We resist and fragment off parts of ourselves that we can't accept, and even these parts of ourselves become the "other" despite being internal to our mind-body complex. And in similar ways, both the conscious personality can do harmful things to this repressed part to serve itself AND the repressed part can do harmful things to the conscious personality to serve itself. And similarly to how it is in external situations, it is only in the illusion of separation and "otherness" that we can cause harm to ourselves.

That's a very interesting thing to explore regarding environment and intimacy. One thing I noticed about myself is that, when I'm in certain environments, I'm able to access more compassion for others compared to when I'm in other environments. Like when I've attended Ayahuasca ceremonies, it becomes really clear that people's neuroses are coming from deeper vulnerabilities and wounds. But in other contexts, this isn't as immediately obvious to me and judgments can arise more easily. And in hostile argumentative online spaces, it's like I can get into a mode where I go semi-unconscious to people's humanity and I start viewing people in a flatter way. So, it sparks an interest in social engineering and creating spaces for more harmony and connection. And it makes me wonder what the ripple effect of existing in such spaces would be if that became the vibe and the culture of all/most human environments.

Sure, you can email me. My email is thediamondnetchannel@gmail.com I'll get back to you sometime in the coming days.